4th Retrieval

I go in for my retrieval tomorrow. It's my 4th and final IVF...the next anything, if there is anything, is donor eggs. My friend Ling is taking me which I really didn't want to have to go with her because she is not the emotionally healthiest person but I was hard up and it's the only one of my friends who doesn't work and that I'm tight enough to ask. You see what a bitch I am...yes, I am. Love Ling..but I have to guard myself around her as she tends to be one of those people that subtly puts you down.. Anyhow, she's taking me and I am grateful. I'm driving in as she doesn't really drive in NYC and she's supposed to drive back with me guiding her but if I'm well enough I'll drive. Kay couldn't do it as the thought of driving to NYC was too much for her..she's petrified which I don't really understand but whatever..I appreciate having people to ask when you can't ask your family.

Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.

Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.

So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.

The Pressure

So I get a call Thursday after running around like a fiend...like a fiend I tell you. I had to get to the clinic by 7a.m. as I had an all day conference that I could not reschedule at 9...ugh. I get there...they can't find my chart..my fault as I didn't call the day before, can't find a vein because my scar tissue from cancer has made it so the phlebotomist jokes, "you have no blood"..I wish I say then maybe I could rest..ha ha. Then, I can't open the bathroom door in the exam room which makes it so I can't remove my friggin tampon (girl problems..ugh), doctor leaves and comes back late late later...I run run run back to the work site..make it just in time. Pick up Tess during lunch and drop her off at my mom's as she's been alone way too long...run back to work site. We get out early...I'm delirious with lack of sleep as of course the insomnia kicked into the 3 hours I had allotted myself so I run back home sleep for half hour then run to pick up D for D's doctor appointment...D is hearing voices terribly..poor thing..love D....We drive home happy with the doctor pick up stuff for my dad. I get to my mom's to drop D off...where is my phone? Oh no..lost it..don't care for a minute except older sib calls on mom's line that she needs to be picked up. D's doctor calls, she'll be there for another hour and guess what she found? Phone.  I take Tess to my dad's to drop off the food for him...stay with him for 1/2 hour..he's not good..I explain I can't stay as I lost my phone have to pick it up and pick sib up..Dad's unhappy...slumped in his wheelchair a sight nobody ever wants to see...worst nightmare sight you ever want to have of your parents. I go pick up phone, go home make myself a grilled cheese. In the middle of this chaos the clinic calls...my sperm is not there and they can't proceed until I have sperm there.. I'll order it today I promis..yeah, when the frick will I have the time..and who exactly am I picking. Run pick up the sib, get home after 10 conk out on the couch and awaken at 1:30a.m. to realize I took none of my fertility drugs....take them half delirious. Ever try to measure out needles of shit half asleep?...meds I'd never taken before?...yikes.

Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.

I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.

Getting poked

My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.

I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.

I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.

Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.

I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.

Anyhow, that's what's up for now...

Catching up

I almost forgot to write as I've been writing so much to the chicks I met at the clinic. Well, still no period. No sign of hide or hair of it. I finally called the chick at the clinic yesterday who said she'd email the doctor and ask her how she wants to proceed. I found the donor I want to use though I haven't purchased any vials and I'm not sure what the frick I'm waiting for as he'll probably be sold out by the time I get to it. I'm finally rolling with all of this making the calls I needed to make. I'm full of anxiety. Full of it. Chock full! Can't seem to get away from it but for small bits of time.

I'm avoiding my family today as they're driving me crazy but I promised D I would go over. Did I mention D had to have oral surgery. Older sibling kept saying don't call the dentist as I'm calling today...this went on forever and I finally called them....they never called me back BTW which makes me angry but doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore when using "the system" for the disabled. It's a racket and if you had to use it, and I'm sure I've said this before, you wouldn't believe you live in the U.S. I live in friggin NY people!! It's not even like I live in Osh Kosh USA.. Whateva! Anyhow, my mother took D to her dentist who is ancient and he had D go to a surgeon. D is better but it was beyond..just beyond..an unnecessary stressor.

Shit at work is what it is. I confronted the one friend of the group that went and reported me...what a wuss. She says, Gem, I have to work with these people. I asked how she thought it would affect our friendship...humina humina humina...puhlease... I don't care anymore. I'm not even angry either I'm just disgusted and realize I have to move on knowing I did nothing wrong here. I work in a fucked up environment but the pay is good so I'll shut the fuck up and be grateful...just wait it out and see what the future holds.

My father continues to not be well. Has a terribel wound on his leg...not good. I worry. The sibs have not been visiting during the week as far as I can tell. One of the care ladies said she called younger sibs for adult diapers Thursday morning so when I showed up Thursday night with NADA! she looked at me like where are they...did you get the call? No? Well neither did I. This is how they roll. Infuriating. So late at night there go me and Tess driving back towards my home to get the diapers and drive all the way back. Whatever..really it's frustrating.

Anyhow..that's the long and the short..will let you know what happens Wednesday at the psych eval for people using donor sperm...too funny...you think I need a shrink for donor sperm? I need a shrink for a million other reason!. ..

Back to the plan

Today I went back to the IVF clinic. Kay went with me at my request because I still wasn't comfortable with the commute into NYC...and the GPS goes crazy with all the bridges and tunnels..plus I wanted the company. Kay is my angel..I swear it. Anyhow..had blood drawn. Spoke to 2 people regarding the no period..they didn't seem that concerned. And last but definitely not least..attended the IVF class even though I'd already gone to one at the old clinic they made me do it again. I met 3 ladies there. One, the youngest who I instantly didn't like was 35 but she ended up being okay. I'm giving her all my old meds as she's paying for them out of pocket which is ridiculous. The second chick is 42 though initially said she was 41..I knew she had lied as I had looked at her DOB written on her folder...she is also using donor sperm. The third, and the one I know the least is also I believe in her 40's and has never tried anything. I emailed them all to just follow up and invited them to keep in touch. Going through the class brought back all of the old feelings of dealing with all the injections and the stress of all that crap but at least it distracted me from the stress of work.

Speaking of.. I asked Kay today if she though I was getting fired. I feel like I'm being set up..I really do. There is nowhere to turn though. My boss' boss is the County Exec who is planning to exit soon and really, who goes to the country exec to bitch. There's nowhere to go. The union can't help me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to obsess but the stress is ridiculously intense. I'm thinking of applying to a job, also with the government that is posted. It's about 40,000 less a year but it's not nothing.. Gonna look at it again tomorrow when I get to work and see if I qualify for the exam (all the jobs are by examination..civil service..), and go from there. I don't want a cut in pay but at this point the stress is ridiculous. I figure if it comes down to it I'll figure shit out.

I never called the guy back. Did I mention the guy? Not sure if I did or not but never called him. My feeling is if he wanted to reach me he would have called me in the evening when he knew I'd be home instead of just leaving messages during the work day...what the fuck is that? Anyhow, I chickened out because I'm now chickenish. My therapist said I'm stronger than I think but I think she's got it wrong. I think I'm weaker than she thinks...not weaker but more emotionally vulnerable. I feel at times I'm at the precipice of insanity.

Anyhow..I go off as usual. So I'm back on track for babyville. Hoping and praying which is all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

Work...

I went into the boss' office today to hand in a time off request as I wanted to leave early so I could visit my father..I have a session tonight and so wanted to make sure I could get everything in. My boss says she will begin questioning my staff as to the allegations made by the chick and her posse a few weeks back. I say, "that's really not how I would like it handled and I don't think it's going to be helpful". She is insisting. I tell her do what she wants. I spend the entire shift crying at the injustice of it all. Take a poll from any worker on their supervisor and I'm sure it's not going to be great...in my office with all the dysfunction it's going to be even worse. I am upset that she takes what they say but doesn't give any weight to what I say. I'm trying to let it go but to say I'm pissed is an understatement and I was close to losing it but gathered my wits by way of Mattie who helped talk me through it. I'm still upset. I can't help but think that all the chaos and bullshit going on has to have contributed to my lack of period. Still nothing btw.. I wish I could leave my job. I can't but I wish I could. I have too much debt and I make too much. I owe a mortgage of almost 200k, 60k in student loan debt, and my common charges on my condo are a ton as well...biggest mistake buying this place and really it's beyond modest...tiny little fixer upper that I've only managed to partially fix up..but it's home and shit happens..can't turn back time.

My goal this year is to get my license. I have an MSW...don't know if I mentioned but I never got my license to practice therapy..never took the test. I have to take a course to more than brush up on the stuff and then try and take it. It'll better equip me if I have to leave. I want to get one more year under my belt so that I'm vested in the system and then if the shit hits the fan take off....This is the plan particularly if there are no babies and it looks like if this period doesn't come back there won't be. When I got my MSW the plan had been to be a therapist but some shit happens for a reason and I'm glad it turned out differently as the agency where I had wanted to work closed down and I would have been jobless at a time when jobs are scarce. But I have to try and get it. It's security for me, or at least some security and I speak another language which would also help me. I also have an "in" at another place that I think would hire me part time.

Anyhow, that's it in a nutshell. I've had enough of these bitches bullying me...taunting me...speaking to me like I'm the shit on the bottom of their shoe. Really had enough but there's nothing I can do. Been hiding in my office...I'm ashamed even as I write it. But I didn't grow up with this type of shit...girl on girl aggression. SOooo not used to it and don't know how not to be defensive and emotional about it.

That's me. A wuss at 41...awesome.

Stolen Groove

I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.

Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Valium-ing it up

My life has been unbelievably crazy lately and the anxiety has been back full force. Today, after visiting my doctor and visiting my fairy Godmother in the nursing home, I came home exhausted with the thoughts of all that is going on in my life floating in my head. Feeling guilt over not visiting my father today, knowing none of the children have today, feeling bad about my Godmother, about having left Tess alone too long, and mostly obsessing about the bitch at work who acted super obnoxious during a meeting today. So I'm laying on the couch with my heart palpitating out of my chest and finally, out of fear of having a heart attack, I thankfully remembered that I had a pill of valium that Dr. B had given me to take when I was having an implanting of embryo. I ended up not being able to take it as I didn't have a ride so had to do it sans drugs. I'm not a drug person so I split the shit in half and down the hatch it went. Jumped on here right after so hopefully it does the trick. I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and I know this is in part due to my impending period... ugh. 

My doctor subtley brought up the topic of weight loss. Two doctors in a two week period. Not sure how to go about doing this really. Just feeling a bit lost.

Time will tell but had the thought this morning that I must take action in order to make change in my life. Gotta get my shit together to get my life in gear. I pray I can do it.

Trying to roll with the punches..

It's been an ass kicker of a week and I find myself with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and unable to friggin sleep. My father is not well. Not the kind of 'not well' that impairs one physically...it's all mental...hallucinating nonstop, he even looks and sounds different. The night before after we'd left the nursing home my sibs were called back as he'd become violent with the aides. My older sib ran over there to find him surrounded by aides at the reception desk, sitting there calmly and when they asked him what was wrong he answered..I'm sitting here surrounded by apes...referring to the aides.. The only saving grace is that he said this in a different language. Sheesh. My other sib came down from where they live and ended up staying until 6 a.m. as he would not go to sleep though they'd given him 4 different meds to try and knock him out. Though I offered to come down my sib refused and truthfully, I was delirious as I'd been going since early that morning non stop and had gotten home past midnight getting the call a bit after 1 a.m. I could have gone but they probably would have had to give me something as well. I've been trying to see him daily and trying not to go on the days my younger sib is able to come down though it's a crap shoot when they're coming which is a bit frustrating...I'm tired.

At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.

I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.

So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.

Coworkers...(I use that word lightly and in an effort to be p.c.)

Today was a day from hell. I came in early as I usually do on Wednesdays and Thursdays and though I've told her repeatedly not to, in comes Mattie during my only 2 quiet hours of my work week. I try to move on and I'm sitting at my desk reading an investigation and return it to Jo-ann who I've mentioned before on here. They call her crazy Jo-ann but in truth she's anything but. To say she beats to her own drum is an understatement and her story is a sad one of serious abuse. Physical and sexual but I'll leave it at that for the sake of her own privacy though of course her name has been changed. So Jo-ann is in an ultra wacky argumentative mood and debating about who she is willing to share her notes with and other such nonsense...she's snappy which is unusual for her. A short while later she comes to my office to apologize and explain she is in the process of miscarrying...what?...miscarrying...yup...at work and she's acting like it's nothing and trying to finish up several investigations that she's working on. She explains she didn't tell me she was pregnant as she didn't want to upset me considering my situation and all the shit happening with my father. I try to be supportive and tell her next time just tell me. She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time though she was going the traditional root...well, traditional for Jo-ann...she was trying with her one boyfriend last year and then when she switched boyfriends began trying with him...unbeknownst to him of course. She's 42 btw.... So she's sitting in my office in super pain and I'm flooded with questions from other coworkers as I try to listen to her and read at the same time. Finally it's 9 and Mattie comes to sit inside the office...she sits at another desk until 9 as this is the compromise for coming in before she's technically working... It sounds fucked up of me and maybe it is but I get 2 hours of quiet alone time to do work and believe me I need it so as fucked up as it is...shit happens..

The day continues...I'm reading like a fiend in my office...trying to get shit done when in comes this crazy ass biotch Brenda. Now if you want to meet crazy, Brenda is your gal...mood swings and paranoia galore. Aside from this she's the slowest gal in the North....my entire team will be hauling ass and she's in her office polishing her nails or whatever it is she does....it pisses everyone off and though I've tried to get her to haul ass and she's been confronted about her productivity by coworkers...shit doesn't seem to move her. So she comes to my office and says she's changing her plan for time off...her and her husband both work with me and yes, I'm both of their bosses...fun fun. I give her the time slips and she makes the changes though I explain you need to put the new times on a new slip. She looks at me sideways...typical and I should have known. She says okay but in that slow way people do when they're confused....ohhkaaayy.... twisting her lips...she leaves my office comes back in with the slips and says, Not to be obnoxious but if you're worried about seniority nobody in this department has more seniority then me and proceeds to flick the forms on my desk...At this point other people walk in and there's Mattie with her mouth in an O at the audacity of the chick... Long story short after people leave my office I go and confront her and doesn't the bitch tear me a new asshole? Tells me I'm mean, that I walk around with my chest puffed out, and that I'm abusive..on and on she goes not letting me speak at all...total bully tactic... Now, hold up here I'm thinking... I barely even speak to my staff because they're so abusive it's not worth my mental health. I go back and forth with her and finally have to walk away. I go speak to the director who yesses me to death and I'm sure will take Brenda's side as soon as she hauls ass over there and do everything in my power to not let this chick rent space in my head for the rest of the day. I write an account of what happened in a file folder on my desktop...saved along with other situations where these people find it completely appropriate to tell of their boss...and hey I did it once too, told off my boss so who the fuck am I...it was for a completely different and 1000% more serious reason but it is what it is and my boss has hated me since...oh well.

There are too many days ruined by my coworker and it's really my fault because I let it get to me. It hurts me, they hurt me,  though today, thankfully, it didn't hurt as much as she tried to say that I'm mean and I know this isn't true..not even a little bit...she was grasping.

Anyhow, that was the day. Jo-ann getting pregnant hurt only a teeny bit because I like her so much. She wouldn't hurt a fly though she really is different than anybody else I know.. I worry about having a baby...worry worry worry...like some crazed obsessive..but there it is...it's like my life is in limbo waiting for the baby that might never come...waiting and waiting and waiting..drowning in this life that at times seems pointlessly painful.

Well Damn.

The other day some chick with a kid shows up at my job and I don't know how it ended up that I ended up working with her doing something that I personally don't usually do at my job. The chick has a baby and a criminal record along with the 'baby daddy' and yes it was one of those situations where you know that poor child is going to grow up all kinds of fucked up thanks to good ol' drugs. I say to Kay, "she should give me that baby".... So what crosses my desk today? A newspaper clipping, outlining how this chick and some other fool were arrested for stealing and didn't she abandon the baby trying to escape? Well, if you think they gave me the baby..of course not..it went to one of her other family who will finish fucking the poor thing up..but it was weird that I mentioned she should give it to me...I had forgotten I'd said it until I said it again today and Kay said, "you said that when she was here". I just thought it was just unbelievable. I can't get over how people have kids so easily and they just toss them aside, use them, fuck them up willy nilly...and I wonder if it'd been easy for me if maybe I would have taken it for granted...

Cough, cough, sick

I called out today. Why? Because frankly, I didn't want to go in. I'm tired of hearing people griping, and on top of that there was a case in court today that I didn't want to attend...shit happens. I felt guilty for a minute and then I said fuck it. All the bitches call out left and right and today, I did it. I used to say I hardly ever call out sick but I don't know how true that is anymore. I probably call out, maybe every 3-4 months...maybe 3 or 4 times a year...for me this is a lot. Who cares. The bottom line is my body is killing me (all joints..thank you very much) and I don't want to hear Kay whining or put up with anybody's attitude. Love Kay, don't love anybody else there really but enough is enough...they're getting on my nerves so I stayed home...yes, though I'm trying not to, I feel a bit, just a teeny bit of guilt. I know tomorrow I'll be facing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune because of it, especially from the girl I was supposed to go to court with but it's not my case...it's hers but she's being a complete chicken shit and needs to just take care of her own shit. That's it. BTW, no I'm not an attorney...blech.

I slept until 11 which I've only done twice in the past maybe 4 years as I don't ever sleep in...ever..but today, I had to do it, I was tired, Tess was feeling cuddly, and I didn't want to face my thoughts. But really, I've been trying to stop pushing myself so hard. I sleep too little, end up doing too much during the day and then can't function for the evening portion of my days..the time that's most important as it's the part I actually enjoy the most. I spent a large part of the beginning of the day watching those baby shows on TV...bringing home baby or whatever they're called. I love watching them though I cry at the end of each one like a total fool. If I had t-vo or whatever it's called, it'd totally be on my list...for now I only enjoy it on those days I'm off.

I logged onto JCP.com and found that they no longer has a plus size maternity section...mothereffers... Pissed as they had the most normal looking clothes of all the sites...who knows if I'll ever need it but I'm a planner... Anyhow, watching those shows today makes me both hopeful and feeling a sense of desperation. A feeling like it'd be great to have a baby but also brings home the realization that it just might not happen. One couple, same sex, had a round of triplets and then were now going in for their twins...it was awesome but not something I'd particularly want. Two would be my limit I think. Anyhow, enough babble, Just wanted to touch base.

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

A little of this and that

Today was one of those days that just wouldn't quit...it was like a mine field of shit at work..never ending and completely exhausting to get through. I think I fucked up at one point and am sure will hear about it on Monday but there were just too many people with too many issues and too many phone calls and too many crisis'. Just an ass kicker and it wasn't one of those days where you kick ass and take numbers..it was just more like holy shit this is kicking my ass and when is it gonna stop. I felt bad as I snapped at Kay at one point. I just didn't want to hear another whine or whimper from anybody and I just needed people to pull their shit together and haul ass and do it right, or at least give it your best shot. Oh well, c'est la vie..what the fuck can you do about it really? Came home and crashed and then went and picked up the sib and went to my mother's. Fine..I'm exhausted.

I don't think I mentioned here or maybe I did, that I haven't been feeling well and for reasons I'm not going to get into right now I am changing general practictioners and have an appointment with a new nurse practictioner on Wednesday. I know my levels are off or some such shit as I can barely make it through the work day, I'm that tired, and having mega issues with my hands and arms and can barely turn my neck..taking breaks as I type because that's where we're at. Been taking a nap each day after work and sleeping hard..it's just not good..am more exhausted than I've been in a long time in a way that's not normal. Gotta get it checked out.

Anyhow, I have more to say about the babymakingshit but right now I don't even want to think about it...just not in a place for it. I will say this as this is what's in the forefront; I don't want to see my RE. Why? Because she's probably very much along and I can't face that. I don't want to face it. Hopefully I won't have to; either they'll find an egg donor after she gives birth or I do it with the other little Canadian guy. I think if I see her I'll cry, not with jealousy I don't think just with the exasperation and frustration of it all.

TGIF

I didn't hear from the girl who offered the eggs after I turned her down in an email...why email? Because we met on the Cryo site and have never spoken in person. I don't want to hurt her as I value the friendship that we've formed but I'm a painfully realistic type of person...if you can't get pg with your eggs I really can't put my money on them either. Kills me as the chick is super nice and any other time the answere would have been a quick and loud yes.

Today was an extremely difficult day at work. I had given most of my staff the day off in one of the areas I work in though thankfully had all my staff in another area (these two areas have nothing to do with each other btw so it's not like they can interchange tasks). Anyhow, I ended up doing work I haven't done in a long time and really, I don't have the patience for it any more. Aside from the patience issue, I get interrupted about a trillion times, my phone wasn't working, and the area that was staffed was having major issues. Kicked my ass today but it felt good to have my juices flowing...felt like I was still alive, that the brain was still working. I was frustrated and glad it was over but also glad to know that I still have it, that I can still do the dirty work.. My job is in human services though not what you'd typically consider human services...you have to be on your toes and guess people's moves, what they're thinking, or be able to get information from them..exhausting. Exhausting, interesting, sad,...it's a lot of things and Mattie, who really had never worked in this type of environment acts as if she finds it as juicy as a soap opera. I guess I'm somewhat jaded as I've worked with the low of the low for too long..to me it's like watching a soap episode except it's the same shit and predictable every day...sometimes the scenes are coming fast and furiously throughout the day and other times you're getting trickles of the show but it's the same fricking show, with the same cast of clowns, pulling the same bullshit move, hurting each other like crazy, using their kids to hurt each other like crazy, being shitty parents...just fucking up each other's lives in general. I'll be honest and say there is a part of my job that I'm not well versed in...that really I have only a little clue about...fucked up huh? I was kind of thrown into it and so I just kind of wing it and do the best I can...so crazy really. If I was more familiar with it, more confident in what I'm doing, I'd probably enjoy it more but it's one of those jobs with too many nuances to do by just observing and I can't really jump in and do it in a way that I'd really be able to learn it...so I'm stuck in this sort of limbo..it is what it is. I'm thankful for the job and though it's not what I wanted to be "when I grew up" it's good enough. A therapist once said to me that loving what you do for a living is a luxury and I believe that's partly true...definitely true in this economy I suppose. Anyhow....

I ate like a pig today and am not looking forward to WW on Sunday as I know it's gone up. I start off the week with the best of intentions and then I fuck it all up..sucks. I'm eating less than I was before but nowhere near my points target that WW wants. Haven't called Rachel either. I don't know what holds me back...my insecurity mostly and a feeling that I won't be successful.  I want what that chick Rachel has..the clean time with the weight loss but I can't find the courage... What a wuss I am, huh?

Tomorrow is another day...tomorrow I'm back on the wagon..again.

Bruising

Today felt really weird. Kay was back at work finally and I had missed her like crazy. The last, I'd say 3 days, it had seemed the pain had subsided a bit but today it was back...not in full force mind you, but just this slight ache and pain in my heart, a slightly bruised feeling of sorrow in my chest just hurting me ever so slightly. There was a little girl at work today..she must have been all of 1 1/2, if that, with cute little clothes on and the sweetest sounding chirping sounds were coming from the office and I finally took a look to see who it was. The colleague who was taking care of her mother later told me that the mother was pregnant again and also had 2 other children who had been taken away by children services due to neglect...isn't that just crap? Heartbreaking crap but there it is.
I prayed last night for God to tell me if I was making the right decision on the donor embryo and pursuing a child still and today, for whatever reason, I got the feeling that a baby just isn't in the cards for me. I know this really means nothing but it's a feeling I have, the feeling that added to my renewed sadness today. I just don't know what direction my life is going in as it seems like all the really big decisions are out of my hands and going nothing like I had imagined or would have planned them to go. It's just so painful sometimes..this whole thing is just so unimaginably painful...and I don't know which way to turn if this never happens for me. I don't even think I'll have the money left to try adoption. I still haven't gotten rid of all the books and baby clothes Diana had given me though I think tomorrow I'll box them up and give them to my mother for her friend's garage sale....no, on second thought I'll just toss in in the salvation army bin...avoid all the questions and the look of satisfaction on her face knowing that I can't have a child. It's hard not to be able to share this unbelievable sadness with my family but none of them were thrilled with my decision nor will they entertain the topic with me so I have to just sort of live around it when I'm with them. It breaks my heart and Kay, who has a very supportive family is always shocked at the shenanigans that happen with my family, the callousness really. You get used to it so it isn't a surprise but this pain has been one of the most difficult things to keep under wraps. I feel like someone has scooped out all of my insides and left me empty...left me with an agonizing emptiness. But enough about my pain...there are only a limited amount of adjectives you can use to describe pain before you start sounding like a drama queen or some badly written soap scene. I just have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Just keep moving forward towards what? I don't know. Towards nothing. Towards the same shit every day. If there is no baby, I have to stay at my job long enough to pay off all this debt and then I'll sell this joint and move into a little apartment. In my head I go back to smoking and drinking fully caffeinated coffee, go back to art and just living for me, getting through it as painlessly as I possibly can. I know I don't talk much about what I do and who I work with but the meat and potatoes of my job is about children...fucked up children who are either fucked up because of choices they've made for themselves or  being raised by fucked up people or in the middle of a fucked up situation. Mostly we just hear the story and don't meet the children, just deal with the legalities of their situation or deal with state laws and shit but we do see these children mostly because when we see the parents they bring them with them...I can't do this job without having my heart broken for the rest of my life. My old boss, my first boss, a kind woman, had lost her child when he was just a little boy..her only son, and I never knew how she did this job. She would drink at lunch and drink more at home and she would pace and pace and pace the halls and frankly I don't want to do this, I don't think I'm strong enough to do this; to have this shit hammered into your head on a daily basis when you have no babies in your arms and you see all these babies get all fucked up by their fucked up drug addicted, crazy assed, self absorbed parents. I can't do this with no babies...it would just be a daily torture. One of the other chicks I became friends with also using the same cryo bank is in a similar field and also unable to get pregnant. She jokes that maybe if she smoked a little crack it would happen as that's what seems to work for the people she works with. It's not funny but it's a little true...I used to work in mental health and always remember the one client who delivered a baby in her room. She was schizophrenic and had already had 8 babies taken from her by children's services....it's seems the more fucked up you are the more fertile......crack addict = 10 babies, schizophrenic = 5 babies...no addictions and no (serious) mental health issues = you get bupkis. I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't.

Wow upside down

"Wow upside down" is the code name we use for my mother when she's within earshot(genius I know..sigh). I was just there and I can't remember a time whenever I've come back from there when I felt good about myself. Today was no different.  There've been times when I thought it was me and my fault and I'll admit I contribute as I won't let shit just go...but I know it's mostly the insanity of what is my family. This weekend my youngest sibling, the one with th history of a breakdown decided that they couldn't come....it was just too much for them as they'd been traumatized from last weekend but last minute decided to change their mind....shortly regretted it...when I tell you the situation ain't easy it ain't.  The thing is my mother...she's not your typical mother and never has been really...had a bad childhood .....a fact we were (or I should say are) reminded of on a regular basis growing up and until this day it is a main topic of conversation for her....can't see that anyone else has suffered...just her...will dismiss anybody else's pain saying hers is or was worse. You bring up that you went to the doctor and are having such and such a problem...she will only acknowledge to say she went and hers is worse...always whatever she is going through, went through is worse...is a miser and would like you to pay for everything..never mind that not a one of us is married and has someone to share the bills with and any opportunity she has is trying to get you to do something for her... every. opportunity. every. single. one. And this applies to anyone. Has lost contact with many people who no longer wish to speak to her as she will squeeze the life from you ....never asks how you are..nothing. My older sib explains it like this...if it has nothing to do with her..it's not important. Sadly this is about 99%  true. I love her but it ain't easy and she's one of those people that if you try and sit down to talk to them about it gets so defensive that she ends up making you feel like you are the lowest piece of shit ever. I find I am similar to her in some respects which scares the shit out of me. I acknowledge but don't accept and have to make a conscious effort to be aware. I do care about others and definitely don't think my life has been the worst and am told I'm a pretty good listening so it's none of those things..but I tend to be a bit argumentative (maybe more than a bit) and can at times be a bit of a know it all not including anything at work of course (duh and shit). Anyhow, I left there telling her a joke to make myself feel better and run run running to the safety of my own place, wtih my own things, done my own way, with nobody asking me to do anything except for Tess who seems to always want me to play play play and I just really don't feel like it lately. The reality of it is, that my mother will drive you crazy and we as the twisted "children" who are full of resentments make the situation worse. She can't help herself as she can't see her behavior but we can see our but for some reason can't seem to be able to control ourselves...I know I'm not explaining it right it's just a weird family phenomenon that happens when we're with her and everyone ends up miserable including her...very frigging healthy.
Anyhow, on the IVF front, I have been feeling no different than any other day, actually less symptomatic than the last two week wait and I can't help but think this is a failure...positive thinking I know but it's honest if nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned that the anesthesiologist was quite intrigued by my job and for whatever reason as it was somewhat of a stretch, related it to the movie the Shawshak redemption....would not stop talking about the friggin movie and I couldn't help but think back to that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe (if you know the show) is having triplets and the OBGYN keeps referring back to episodes of Happy Days and the Fonz...I mean the guy would not get off of Shawshank Redemption..even Kay thought it was weird. He was nice though so he was forgiven...so of course after my lovely time at my mother's I come home flick on the boob and sure enough...Hello Morgan Freeman! Shawshank..of course. It's not a sign though it's just a coincidence. Last time I was in the 2 week waiting period I kept bumping into picks of Bradley Cooper...significant because my donor supposedly resembles Bradley Cooper...I kept thinking maybe it was a sign but obvioulsy it meant nothing other than Mr. Copper sure is popular...same thing with Shawshank but when I spoke to Kay we laughed like idiots...you gotta ask yourself...what the fuck man? Really? So that's that. So yes, my donor looks like Bradley Copper and also supposedly looks like the blonde guy with the long hair from Lost...not the hobbit guy the other hot one. This is normally not my taste of men and initially I had picked someone completely different...average looking but then I said hell, if I'm going to pick from all these choices..I'm picking the creme de la creme...someone who would never sleep with me in real life and the truth is looks matter so if I have to give this kid no father, at least let me give the kid a fighting chance in the looks department...Kay who helped me agreed..pick the most gorgeous one you can find and Bradley Cooper was it (truthfully, I had to look him up as I'm not a celebrity drooler). Don't know what the combo of me and him would look like but I'm sure it would beat me picking someone that looks like Howdie Doodie (my first choice was red haired and I later learned incedibly freckled, which combined with my freckles would be a Hell No!).
I had Sunday night anxiety tonight which I don't think I've had in a while....all because I gotta go back tomorrow. I just don't like work right now as I'm dealing with too many statistical shit and it always throws me for a loop...should have been an accountant with all the number shit I have to do and I'm not good at it at all. Sucks. I wish I knew the job better...I know this must sounds strange that I supervise people doing a job I know very little about but it is what it is...it's the effed up position I'm in right now and have been for a few years. I've learned a ton about it since taking over but if you've never actually had to do the work then it's all just theory really..sucks..did I mention that? sucks.

Sheesh!!

My schedule is kicking my ass!! This morning I went to go see Dr. B...had to be there at 7 in order to try to get to work on time which meant getting up at 5:15 a.m. and of course, I was late to work any ol' way as the doctor's office took extra long..can't win. So I go in, bloodwork, vaginal sonogram (yes perhaps TMI but alas that's what the blog's about) and she says retrieval probably Saturday or Sunday...Hoping for Sunday because my schedule sucks and I have a friggin meeting Tuesday afternoon that I really should not miss as they've been planning it for what seems like forever. Go to work...I'm dying as I haven't been able to sleep on the Lupron and I'm wiped. Decide I'm going home early and when I'm just about home I get a call from the doctor's office..."she wants to see you tomorrow at 8:30"...yeah, I start work at 8...nobody cares...they'll see me at 8:30..call the boss as I'm aware we have a meeting in the a.m. who says "but I wanted to discuss the (bullshit bullshit) tomorrow'..she catches herself and says Oh, well it's medical..we'll be here when you get in..yeah thought so...and in the house I go to say hi to Tess and try to chill for a minute but it's off to the races again tomorrow and I'm beat! Meds were decreased at least for tomorrow. They'd changed my meds on Monday from Lupron 20cc BID, Follistim 300 AM, and Menopur 150 HS to Lupron BID and all other meds AM and today they canged them again omitting the Menopur in the AM until the doctor sees me. My abdomen looks like a globe as it is all blue and green and I'm running out of areas to inject that don't hurt..I'm also bruised from the acupuncture and my carpal tunnel sydnrome is killing me...Don't even care!...just hoping hoping hoping... I was also hoping to schedule acupuncture for after the embryo transfer but I have to cut myself a break as I can't get everything synchronized perfectly and stress about it...This weekend I also have a groomer's appointment for Tess and I also told my (fairy) Godmother (she's 81 and can't do it) that I would take her dog. My groomer squeezed that dog in so I can't back out as, if you have a dog that needs grooming, you know that appointments are extremely hard to come by last minute especially if you have a good groomer so ..onward. Worse comes to worse I'll have to ask my sibling to jump in and help me..Fuck! That'll go over like a lead pipe...gotta rest but can't seem to stop the madness and with work there's only so far I can push it. I took off Wednesday and Thursday of next week as if I call out 3 days in a row I need a note from my doctor and I don't want them knowing my shit so I figured take these two days off as vacation days and if you have to call out sick.....you get the picture..Anyhow, that's it..I'm going to try and catch some ZZZZ's today with Tess and just chill...hope Tess isn't a pain and let's me actually rest. If I could drink I would as it helps me snooze but alas... Anyhow, that's it for now..just wanted to update.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the.. holy doctor?

Went to work today and faced my usual barrage of crisis..left early for a doctor's appointment where some guy proceeds to have a half hour long conversation, as loud as you please, on his ear phone thing and when I look over he says to me.."I'm just as loud as the tv so I don't know why you're looking"..Oh yeah mo fo..I look like I'm shy and won't talk back..well..I proceed to tell him with my hand up as when in the ghetto do as the ghetto-ese or what have you.."I don't think so!..don't even start with me brother" ....thinking..because I'll get down and ghetto with you in two minutes...he shuts up.. with his conversation with me anyway. So I finally after an hour and fifteen minute wait, ...and yes, I need a new fucking doctor,.. I go in..Now I scheduled with a doctor who is not my usual doctor..why? Because my doctor will have you wait close to two hours and look at you strange if you complain so here goes with the ol' lady doctor eating a cinnabon with rosary beads around her neck and a lanyard thingy that says something about Jesus..I tell her why I'm there..need my levels, vitamin b12, vitamin D script..anemia blah blah..getting IVF.. and what does she say? "Are you Christian? God would not like what you're doing".. She proceeds to give me a lecture about religion, about God, my sins..et cetera.. Holy crap! I'm thinking. I look around. Surely there is a camera hidden somewhere with some fool waiting to jump out at me. You fucking kidding me lady? I go through my whole Catholic credentials (hello 12 years in parachiol! duh)...and finally after what seems like an eternity I get a script, a refusal to vitamin b12 inject me..frick you lady!..and a script for more blood work.. Whatever. Listen as far as I know, me and God..we're straight. I pray, I try to be a good person and harm no one with my words or deeds, and I think me and Him..we're cool. That's as far as I go. I don't need a little Filipino lady eating a cinnabon while she's attending to me giving me a God lecture..you and I lady..we're equals here with God. You help people all day and so do I..have done it my whole life and to those people I've hurt believe me I've paid in guilt as I can't remember a time where I hurt someone intentionally and if I did I definitely paid for it in guilt..so you got it lady..I've got guilt therefore I'm a good Catholic! as good as I'll ever be I imagine. This is the same lady that last time I saw her for a b-12 hurt me so bad with the injection that for weeks afterwards I had to have all injections given in my right arm and this during a time I was getting daily b-12's...swear she did this shit on purpose!) I'm mad that I even explained myself to this chick,and am now feeling stressed and defensive, and mad that after all that time in that frigging office, I walk out with not much help than what I walked in with..really just one vitamin script and more blood work! Shit. And for whatever reason, when I get out in the parking lot of the office (which is in a shit part of town and smells like garbage, mind you) I want to cry. I want to cry because this month..this month that I wanted to be "my month" has been too hard..has just been too hard and sometimes I just can't..just can't be strong..can't put up with the bull shit of life and the people in it. I forgot to mention that "D" called me while I'm in with the doctor to tell me they won't let "D" get work because "D" is hearing voices and "D" so upset says to me, but Gem, I'm not hearing voices, and I try to calm "D" down and yesterday as I'm walking into acupuncture I get a call from "D's" psychiatrist regarding a note from the program and what to do about it and you know what..I'm one fucking person and my one sibling, who last week was so "..you don't have to do this alone Gem.." doesn't return any of my texts regarding "D" and the other sibling replies by saying "ugh, weird" after I text them all the shit happening..so what the fuck am I suppose to do but cry just a little man because really sometimes it's just too much. It's just too much and I'm just too alone and I can't get peace for just a second to make one of my dreams come true... So yes, I think me and God ...we're straight because Lord knows, and I mean Lord knows literally,..I've had my share and I've tried to keep my chin up and roll with the punches and keep the faith and all of that but I've had my share and I'm still grateful because I know there are others who've had more so I thank God and I know He knows I'm grateful...I'm grateful for this life and grateful for the strength to keep on keeping on...for the ability to help "D" even if I unintentionally fuck it up for "D" or get angry or sit on the pity pot about it..I'm grateful for my job with a boss who is more than an asshole, working with coworkers who are emotionally warped,and egomaniacal assholes, I'm grateful..I just want my baby..just one little gift (btw the doctor reminded me..like I need to be reminded..that "babies are gifts and if I didn't get one..."..oh yes, she went there..)..so I cried a little and am crying a little sitting on the pity pot because I've had enough but thank God that I can take it. Amen.