Relief

I'm going to preface this entry by saying that if you're tired of hearing me gripe, groan, moan, and basically sitting in my shit, go read something else as I'm trying to work through my life here so ...

I went to see the therapist chick last Wednesday. She was nice, professional. Unfortunately she lacked the magic wand I was looking for. I'm going back Tuesday and to the disappointment of anybody who knows my last few attempts with therapy, it seems unlikely I will stick with this chick either. The thing is, or maybe the excuse is that, I'm looking for something not available on a therapeutic couch....relief. Relief from my obsessive baby thoughts, my feelings of despair, feeling overwhelmed, but most of all feeling like just giving fucking up. Just throwing caution to the fucking wind, getting lap band surgery, going back to smoking, paying off my debt, quitting my job and joining the circus where I can drink like a fish and not have any real responsibility except to become intoxicated to the point of oblivion from this pain in my heart that I can't seem to quell at all;  A feeling of utter hopelessness from ever feeling truly happy in this life. I told the therapist chick this...not in so many words as I made sure she didn't feel the need to call in the white jackets and the gist of what she said to me, other than the typical rephrasing of all my shit, was that it appears that I know what I want and it has all been well thought out and it appears that my biggest obstacle was the actual drive into the city (this was at the end of the session where they try to round up what was discussed) and I just needed to make the call and wrap my head around the drive there. Really? Really lady. I said, "it's more than the drive. It's much more than the drive. It's the whole thing, the drive is just a part of it"...as I walked out the door and realized that the most important part of that session had ended for her...the check was handed over and she felt like a genius. Therapy, in my opinion, is so much harder to get through when you've been trained to be a therapist. You know the cheap shit...rephrase...and the ending..the summation of the topics discussed...so when someone throws this amateur night at the Apollo shit at you...it's just hard to take them seriously. I just want someone to throw technique out the window and just really talk to me. Anyhow, I'm going back for the same reason I always go back, because I have to make sure I'm not throwing something valuable out the window...I'm double checking myself. How my last therapist, who I really loved, made the cut, I'm not sure. I think it was that she just listened. Really listened and didn't give me some cheap solution. She actually saved my ass as, if you think I'm in the funky dunk now, you ain't seen nothing. Truth be told last time it wasn't so much that I was in a funk, it was more that I had suffered a trauma and was literally, as I've described before in earlier posts, scared of my own shadow...would actually jump if I saw the slightest move out of the corner of my eye and she 'restored me back to sanity' as they say in the big book. Put humpty dumpty back together again, though really, I have never been the same again but at least I'm functioning, without pills and without shaking so hard I could barely contain myself. That's how bad I was last time; I would literally shake. So that's how it went with therapy, and though I can tell you more about past bad "therapeutic" experiences I won't but I will say this, when I was in school a professor used to always say, that we weren't looking to help people and that's not why we wanted to do therapy, we were there trying to resolve issues in our own lives. They recommended we all do therapy to resolve issues before we practiced and from experience, the professor was correct; craziest most maladjusted people I've ever met was working on my degree... but whateva...  Anyhow, I always tell people when they're looking for a shrink to be wary if they seem too crazy as they'll make you crazier and this my friends is partly why I'm squeamish of therapists...I'm crazy already and don't need your crazy or you making me more crazy..well, I suppose that's really just a part of it.

I digress as usual. So today I actually slept in and woke up at 10... I find that the longer I sleep the less thinking I have to do. I woke up made a complex tuna salad that was horrendous and ended up eating PB & J instead and have stayed quiet except for the fits of crying or telling Tess to hush it as I can't deal with her demands right now...guilt guilt guilt.. And just wondering where I go, what do I do to make myself feel better?  I don't know. It's the quiet that's killing me really...that sadness that makes you want to just curl inside yourself and become mute. That's where I'm at. And I keep looking for some relief and it's nothing that a cigarette, a cookie, or a glass of wine can seem to even begin to touch. I want to run, run, run and actually played with the idea of going to visit Ollie in Fla. but he's in the middle of a new relationship and really it's not what I need. I just feel like I need someone to help me but I can't seem to find that person. I'm looking something to assuage all these feelings and just give me some inner peace...some feeling of hope...a feeling that things will really get better, will become tolerable, will be worth living. Relief, relief, relief..that doesn't seem to come.

Follisitim or is it me? More Ramblings...

Today I gave myself my second injection of the follisitim 300 mgs/? I'm not feeling so hot today emotionally and I'm not sure if this is due to the meds or due to me. I had a very stressful day at work trying to decipher greek that the boss gave me..blows my mind that she gives me shit she should be doing and I have no idea about. If I worked at a regular company it'd be one thing but I work for the government so this shit is important but oh well, I do what I can. I called up another head Government worker in charge of the project my boss gave me and she was stunned that I was working on it let alone working on it by myself..sho the fuck knows..this is just a crazy place to work but I'm grateful for the job. Tomorrow I'm calling out..something I hardly ever do...maybe 2 to 3 times a year...it makes me feel guilty so I don't like to do it. I just need a day to relax and catch up with myself so to speak. I feel extremely emotional, though in truth, I was feeling this way earlier in the week but my period is over and today it's worse than ever. So I was wondering if it was the injections or the fact that I'm feeling incredibly lonely this week particularly at work...not sure. Kay has been out and thankfully Mattie came in this week...(this is the older lady who is from an outside agency assigned to help me). She's a doll and not your typical grandma (she's in recovery over 20 years from hard street drugs) but she has good words of wisdom though at times she's talking out of her ass and makes the shit up, but I like her. She asked me today why I find it easier when she's there as she doesn't do too much and I explained that the staff behave differently when she's there. I'm not sure if it's because she's older or if it's because there's a witness but they don't go off on me and aren't mean to me..they really don't confront me on shit so I like it as I really can't stand when they do that..it's hurtful to me as I really do try and be nice to them.

Right now, when I'm trying to have a baby, I really need to stay as stress free as possible and my job makes that very difficult. Between the staff and my asshole boss it'd be bad enough but add that the job itself is demanding and stressful and it can send anyone over the edge. So I was glad for Mattie this week and it just so happens that tomorrow she won't be there so me being out works out.

Aside from Mattie, I really didn't talk to anyone today. I had a conversation with Ollie who is on his way to Florida from Texas with all of his belongings but it was all about him..rightfully so, as he is going through something major and his sister was also listening in so it's not like I want to say anything personal for her to hear but I felt like I just needed to talk to someone. I tried to call Diana but she wasn't working tonight and wasn't picking up her cell. The fact that she wasn't at work makes me believe some shit must have hit the fan as she never calls out. Her brother has stage 4 cancer and her mom is also just recovering from cancer. It's such a fucked up situation on top of what she's already going through. She has had a rough life. She had another brother who jumped off a bridge and killed himself..heart breaking stuff. Kay comes back tomorrow and I'm glad though she doesn't have shit easy right now either as her son, the military vet, is going through some serious shit..not good. It's hard when everyone is going through something to find with whom to vent shit. The crazy therapist called me back finally..seeing her next week..thank God. So that's it in a nut shell.

Tess is still not 100%...puked Sunday, ate Monday and Tuesday and puked today.

Excitement

Tomorrow I go back to the RE as my period came on Saturday. Hoping this doesn't screw it up that I got it on a long weekend so it's not "day one" when I go in. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of getting pregnant. It's scary doing it alone no matter how prepared you think you are, how ballsy you feel you are, how against the grain you've lived the rest of your life, having a baby alone, or planning to have one is scary. The first month I tried I was so pysched and I'm trying to conjure about that feeling of enthusiasm and excitement but I think things were slightly different then. My family didn't know, I had a good therapist, my friend Ollie was on board, all minor but major things. So I'm scared. This isn't a good week to gauge anything, I keep telling myself, as I have my period which makes me feel vulnverable and emotional, the boss comes back which leaves me feeling angry and somewhat hopeless, and my best friend is out of state.. Also, today is a Monday but really like a Sunday..the worst day of the week for me as it's back to work I go. Well, I know this: I'm lucky to have a job, this feeling will pass, and last but of most importance, I know that if I don't have a child I will regret it for the rest of my life..so onward we go perhaps not excited but hopeful. I think what's really killing me, what's really been renting space in my head for free is the loss of that "ideal family" which in my heart I know doesn't exist but sometimes I just wish I'd had the opportunity to experience this for myself..but time is running out and alone I must go or I won't get to go at all. That's life and I can't get everything I've ever wanted..most people can't and don't no matter how it looks from across the fence..I have to believe this or I'd be yelling "it's not fair". Realistically, I know I've been blessed in my life..I see the people starving in Africa and have met hungry people right here in the U.S. and I know that there but for the Grace of God goes me..so I have been blessed and continue to be blessed. Have to not feel sorry for myself which I think sometimes I find hard. Ah well, all life lessons and character defects to overcome. Tomorrow I go to the RE, then work, then to the Canadians.. and as usual..the beat goes on.

Hormonal Babbling

So, I got my period this morning which I was expecting. Glad it comes every month, cramps and all as it means there is hope. Along with it comes the PMS that for whatever reason seems to be lasting through the first day of this cycle. I just feel shitty..lonely..alone really and I am though I'm supposed to be leaving for a picnic at my Godmom's..I don't want to go. Isn't that silly? I feel alone but don't want to go to a picnic to be with people? But I'm sure you know what I mean..that's not the company I want..looking for a more intimate type of companionship right now..Not sexual, just a friend really. My friends are all emotionally fucked right now. Did I tell you Ollie broke up with his partner? No. Well he did. He's moving back to Florida which I think is better for him anyway as that's where his family is. I'm not sure if I wrote about that here.. a big disappointment really as the plan was for him to move here to N.Y. and help when the kid(s)came (his idea not mine) but alas it's not to be and really he needs to be with his family where he has the most support. He has a house there too so he'll be okay. He had cancer a few years back too but his kicked his ass back and forth and left and right..that shit wasn't playing with him...he got a good ass whooping from that mean ol' cancer..everyone usually does but his was unusually brutal. He's also positive.....don't think I mentioned that.. so his immune system is beyond compromised..yeah, he needs to be with his family. But as usual I digress, so he's in his shit right now and I try to be there, Diana is dealing with the 2 boys alone while the hubby is in jail situation (which still sounds so beyond unbelievable it's not even funny..jail??? come'on), and Kay is dealing with the legal repercussions of her son the pothead and her other son who is a veteran and dealing with PTSD, and on top of that last night she learned he is drinking heavily and told her he thinks he has a problem...right before she's heading off for visit with her parents one of whom has alzheimers...love them all but needless to say, I can't go to them with my trivial shit while their fighting for their own sanity. So I came here. Truth be told I'd use this more but as I've mentioned my hands can't take the typing but I do what I can. Anyhow, off to the picnic..alone!! to be with people I don't want to be with except for my Godmom who I love. Gotta bring those creamers!

Timing is everything

I went in for my first IUI yesterday. A rather unpleasant experience as it seemed like it was take your partner to the RE's office day. There was one lesbian couple and about 20 hetero couples and I don't know how it is in other RE offices but there are times where patients are streaming out into the hall and this was definitely one of those days. So I'm sitting there by myself next to the only other person there alone and of course I hear reception talking on the phone and they say "Mandinga? Mandinga? your husband is on the phone". Yes, I'm sitting next to Mandinga (not her real name but can't remember it). I'm sitting there with my purse, my huge work bag overflowing with my shit that helps me survive the day and the Ovidrel injection I had picked up from CVS the day before trying with all my might not to cry and texting my friend Kay who thankfully told me I could text away while she got ready to go to work. So I finally go in, she tells me she can't find my little ol' follicle but will do IUI anyway as it could be hiding and inserts the catheter with the quarter inch of stuff I paid close to $600 dollars for and bada-bing bada-boom, I'm inseminated and 45 minutes late to work. I got a phone call later in the day telling me that my bloodwork showed I wasn't ovulating and take the Ovidrel Saturday between 7 and 9... I was admittedly a little freaked at the thought of giving myself an injection, texted my friend who is studying to be a nurse to call me, finally called Ollie who I remembered injected himself regularly when he was going through the big C who told me just do it really fast and it'll be fine. So, I got online, 'you tubed' giving yourself ovidrel and rushed into the kitchen to do it..then rushed to the bathroom to do it as it just didn't seem like a kitchen thing to do. I pinched an inch of flesh under my belly button like the chick on the video, jabbed it in quick like Ollie said and voila..not bad at all..actually super easy nothingness to it. Go in Monday for my last insemination of the month. Feels good..taking care of business. Wishing, hoping, and praying for a little someone...not that Tess isn't a little someone but I have a lot more love to give so...

Clomid

So I've been on Clomid 4 days now...I find myself extremely tearful and somewhat depressed in the evenings. Also deep sleeping?.. I've also been in a lot of carpel tunnel pain with this heat. Anyhow, tomorrow is my last dose until next month and can't wait to get this out of my system. Next week is my first IUI...!!! I would like to say that I'm feeling nothing but excited but truth be told, I'm scared. I'm scared of doing this alone but I'm more scared of not doing it at all...so.

My friend Ollie called today and it looks like he'll definitely be moving over here. I can't help but wonder if it isn't God helping me out..I hope so. I'm just praying I can do this, physically and mentally and financially. Right now I staff away in my saving about $350 a month. I get a substantial pay increase in two months, God willing and will add that to the monthly pot. This way when I have to fork money over for day care I'll already have gotten used to the idea of living with less. I know this isn't 100% of what it'll cost as from what I see it's about $1000 per month but I figure I'll find a way.

Anyhow dying here of sleep deprivation so..

Hope

Just a brief update:
I went to see my RE today as today was day 2 of my little friend, aunt F, et cetera. As usual, the RE was super nice. She showed me films of my uterus and fallopians and boy is that one tube blocked...no chance of anything getting through there..there's not even a tube..the whole thing is surrounded by mass. But she wants to go on and try the clomid and IUI so tonight is my first night of clomid. I'm going to be honest and say I'm scared to take it. I've never been one for pills and even with all the surgeries and crap I've had throughout my life I've never once taken a pain pill given to me by prescription. The only non-life perserving pill I've taken is a half milligram pill of Ativan for anxiety and I was prescribed those about 2 years ago and have more than 3/4 of the bottle still. I'm not a "drugs" kind of person and my drug of choice has always been food. Anyway I took them..she put me on 150 mg which, if I'm comparing notes seems a tad high but I'm glad as I've gotta give it a good shot. I'm scared of the side effects one of which is nightmares. The shit is, at times, I end up with nightmares already. Last night I dreamt I had cancer again, was locked in the oncology ward with all old people, and one of them had bitten me. I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and had to calm poor Tess down. Any old how, I'm taking this for five days, and on the 19th going in for a sono with another RE as mine will be away on vacay (shit!) and of course it'll be a man (fukc!) but you do what you have to do and on the 22nd I'm scheduled for my first IUI. I am so excited, I can cry thought don't want to get my hopes up.

Ollie came for the visit and though it was brief it was good. He definitely wants to move back to NY and said he'll be my "Manny"...I'm not banking on that and realize I have to be prepared to care for this baby solo (yes I'm already in the mindset that it's definitely happening..praying that pregnancy becomes my reality..squeezing away any doubts that it won't) but it's nice to know he wants to help...it's nice to know I'm not alone. Anyhow, have to hit the hay as I've been up for about 19 hours straight now and this weekend I probably slept a cumulative 12 hours all together from Fri to Sunday..if that so off I go...happy and hopeful to bed and praying for no nightmares or weird side effects.

Fukcen Funk

I think I am in a serious funk or some such thing. I can't seem to find the energy for anything and I just feel like shit. I have been eating out of control and just feeling detached. It could be due to my period coming but nonetheless, I don't feel like myself. My therapist has also been away for a month and that's usually where I go to just let my feelings all hang out or whatever it is that's renting space in my head. I think I mentioned she's retiring and she referred me to two people though the first chick couldn't accomodate my schedule and the second wasn't on my insurance and though usually I'd pay the deductible and just move on with it, I'm not in a financial position to do that right now or any time in the near future soo...

I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.

I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???

My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.

There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".

Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.