Hope

Just a brief update:
I went to see my RE today as today was day 2 of my little friend, aunt F, et cetera. As usual, the RE was super nice. She showed me films of my uterus and fallopians and boy is that one tube blocked...no chance of anything getting through there..there's not even a tube..the whole thing is surrounded by mass. But she wants to go on and try the clomid and IUI so tonight is my first night of clomid. I'm going to be honest and say I'm scared to take it. I've never been one for pills and even with all the surgeries and crap I've had throughout my life I've never once taken a pain pill given to me by prescription. The only non-life perserving pill I've taken is a half milligram pill of Ativan for anxiety and I was prescribed those about 2 years ago and have more than 3/4 of the bottle still. I'm not a "drugs" kind of person and my drug of choice has always been food. Anyway I took them..she put me on 150 mg which, if I'm comparing notes seems a tad high but I'm glad as I've gotta give it a good shot. I'm scared of the side effects one of which is nightmares. The shit is, at times, I end up with nightmares already. Last night I dreamt I had cancer again, was locked in the oncology ward with all old people, and one of them had bitten me. I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and had to calm poor Tess down. Any old how, I'm taking this for five days, and on the 19th going in for a sono with another RE as mine will be away on vacay (shit!) and of course it'll be a man (fukc!) but you do what you have to do and on the 22nd I'm scheduled for my first IUI. I am so excited, I can cry thought don't want to get my hopes up.

Ollie came for the visit and though it was brief it was good. He definitely wants to move back to NY and said he'll be my "Manny"...I'm not banking on that and realize I have to be prepared to care for this baby solo (yes I'm already in the mindset that it's definitely happening..praying that pregnancy becomes my reality..squeezing away any doubts that it won't) but it's nice to know he wants to help...it's nice to know I'm not alone. Anyhow, have to hit the hay as I've been up for about 19 hours straight now and this weekend I probably slept a cumulative 12 hours all together from Fri to Sunday..if that so off I go...happy and hopeful to bed and praying for no nightmares or weird side effects.