Nights

I was thinking about this guy that I used to work with that I used to more than have a crush on. I think back to that time as it's been quite a while as to how it all ended. Someone spread a rumor that I was involved with another coworker and this guy called me and confronted me and that was the end of that. I was crazy about him and it killed me..it killed me more that he ended up marrying one of my other coworkers. But that was a long time ago..I was someone else then...still fucked up but life hadn't killed me like now. I immaturely have code names for them;Asshole and P#$@face..did I say immaturely? Anyhow, I was looking at some baby clothes wondering if I'll ever need it and I ran a search for this guy's girl at a popular baby item registry just to see if perhaps they were expecting. I do this every few months..check up, see what I'm missing. I see him every once in a blue moon...we don't speak any more, and last time I saw him he had aged horribly, had gained an enormous amount of weight, had gone gray, and appeared to have trouble walking. It was so surreal to see him that way. Anyhow, tonight I thought of him as I'm looking through all these things wondering what it might have been like with him, or with anyone for that matter, to plan for a child. I've been having these days where I'm eccstatically happy during the day and crash with loneliness at night and fear that perhaps I can't do this alone. I know I can, but I get this niggling doubt creeping into my brain each night haunting me. I told you the other night I woke up screaming? Haven't woken up screaming in a while..The clomid also seems to be making me more sensitive I feel. It could be the med or the fact that this is alot. I'm happy and over the moon I'm doing it but it cements the fact that I am doing this alone. I have supports in friends, don't get me wrong, but ultimately it'll be me.

I felt weird today with my friend Diana. I think I mentioned that I would elaborate about her some time. Diana has been my very great friend for many years now and we've actually known each other since we were both 19 however became tight about 12-13 years ago when we worked together tied at the hip. She's going through something right now that's so bad, there aint nothing good about it. Close to two years ago, her husband lost his job due to an immature idiotic prank he pulled on a coworker. It was so bad (and racist/discriminatory) that it effected his license to do what he does and nobody would hire him. Diana has been married to him for about 15 years and she has always been his biggest cheerleader, and always expressed immense love and attraction for him. A few months back, after being forced to return to the workforce to help support her family she received a phone call from the hubby telling her to come quick as he was being arrested. Diana almost died from the shock to learn her husband had committed a very bad crime while working at his previous job. She was devestated...the news made the paper...her coworkers were aware...and more upsetting her family wanted nothing to do with him and was angry at her for not leaving immediately. About a month after this happened Diane's brother discovered he had terminal cancer. Needless to say Diana has been going through more than hard times. They have two very young children..one a toddler. Her husband will be going to prison this month. The weird part of today's conversation with her had to do with her moving in with me. I had earlier this year, tried to list my condo for sale and was looking to buy a bigger place so I could get Tess a little friend. Anyhow, I told Diana that if it worked out she could move in with me and the kids..and I meant it however, my plans changed. The baby thing happened and I realized not only was moving going to be near to impossible in this market, selling while trying to reproduce was just too much. Anyhow, Diana mentioned feeling I had given up on the "plan" of having a place for both of us. It was weird but I know she is wild with worry and fear so I'm just trying to be supportive and not think too much into this. I just explained that I wouldn't be able to sell and though her moving in with her mom was going to be less than ideal for her, time would settle some of the shit she was going through. I mean really, what do you say in this type of situation? It's so surreal as I always thought of her husband as being on the up and up...bad with their finances but on the up and up. Who really knows anybody? Diana was so freaked by the whole incident. I think it must have been a great shock to realize you're living with someone you really don't know..capable of shit you'd never think someone you'd be with would be capable of. The piece of shit has taken to making not so veiled threats against her and the kids. I think she should get out fast but who am I? I expressed this to her, offered to help her with a restraining order, and that's pretty much all I can do.. When she's working late and scared, I have called to check up on him and make sure the kids aren't hurt or he hasn't flown off the deep end. I think really, he's just scared too..who the fuck knows. It's such a fucked up situation really.

It seems everyone right now is going through something and I have to say, other than the baby project, my life (knock on wood) has been relatively quiet right now..trying to keep on the down low at work and trying to make myself as invisible as possible...just need to be left alone there in order to survive. My nights though have been haunting me..a time for reflecting on the scary things that go bump in my head keeping me awake, giving me anxiety. It's hard to share this with anybody or find relief from these feelings when everybody seems to be in such a place of distress and my therapist is out for a month. I miss having that relief but next week she's back so... Just have to make it through these nights for now.