today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

Goodbyes

I have a friend I made from the CCB website as we'd been using the same donor sperm, or rather, her partner was using the same sperm as I was. We talk regularly and her partner had been doing IUI's...12 in total I believe. She just found out that IVF, which would be her next step,  is $26k where she lives and it's pretty much curtains for them. I received a message from her on Facebook that seemed like a goodbye to me. Just brought me down...another one bites the dust and I can't help but think that this may be me in a month or two...biting the reality dust. I felt sad for her but more sad for her partner who is understandably devastated. It's just devastating. It's a loss of your babies...the babies you pictured having as a child...real babies you imagined when you played with your baby dolls and just knew that you would eventually have along with that husband who would be just perfect...shit. Life is just an ass kicker sometimes.

I feel like sometimes my heart will surely fucking explode with the grief and the pain but it doesn't, it just goes on and on and on. Even when I think it's not possible to take another breath, another step, to live another day, it just goes on, and it's as if nothing is happening in your world, nothing horrible. It's not like when someone dies, or when you get fired, get divorced or whatever other horrific thing happens...nobody really gets it unless they have lived it. What you get is people saying, well you can adopt and when I hear this, I just want to tear their eyeballs out. That is one of the stupidest things you can fucking say. Really I can adopt? So can you you fucking ass wipe but that isn't a first choice for anybody and again, I'm so tired of people's easy answers to life tragedies. The right answer is "I'm sorry. How devastating", or something like that. That is the right answer.

Anyhow, I'm pissed tonight and I'm upset and maybe part of it is that I got my period today which is never good for me. All these periods and cramps for nothing. What a joke.

Phone calls

I had my HSG scheduled for this morning. Funny how some things happen. My test was at 9 a.m. in east jabib New Jersey (not a real place btw) so I needed an hour to get there. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m.....why this would make sense to me I have no idea. So here I am this morning cutting up Tessa's food (It comes in a block, don't ask), and I look at the clock and it says 7:45 a.m. and I think to myself...what the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?! was I thinking. I put down her food and water, hightail it to the shower (hello it's not like I'm going somewhere where skipping would even be an option), scrub myself all over, scrub again, rinse, brush the teeth, thank God that I had set out all my clothes, underclothes et cetera the night before, jump in it, throw some makeup on and I'm out of the house at 8a.m. ..shit. I get there with 10 minutes to spare and finally a male attendant calls me in (.....huh) and they explain he's helping as the other chick's not in but will wait outside while anything is going on and come in when he has to shoot the pics...fine. She puts the shit in, it HURTSSSSS like a motherfucker...more pain than I think I can withstand and I lay there whimpering because it's that painful. I turn, I turn the other way, I'm done. She says it all looks clear though there is some scalloping though she doesn't think this is significant in any way. I think, what the fuck is scalloping? I think of roof shingles, clothing hems and potatoes...I don't know what she's talking about but in true Gem stupidity, I don't ask...I can only think of one thing which is getting out of there, taking some advils and relieving the stress and pain...I get my films and I'm out. Okay cool beans. I leave, program my GPS to go to my doctor's office to see how far and figure out it's only 15-20 away and off I go. Drop the shit off, go grocery shopping and I'm home.

I'm putting the stuff away and my cell rings...restricted call...The chick says she's Sandra and so and so gave her my number regarding international adoption. I think to myself, "shit, really". I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this yet, I don't know. She tells me all about the process, explains it's pricey and takes about a year. She has a connection that could save me $10K...I do have to go to Haiti (UGH!!)...I get the information, thank her, call her the wrong name of course because it wouldn't be me if I didn't fuck up your name, and we hang up.

I fall asleep on the couch and wake up 2 hours later. Dr. B calls. She says the top of the uterus looks perfect however the middle appears as if there is some constriction, perhaps the fibroid is pressing on the uterus though she thinks the space is "adequate enough to carry a pregnancy". Fuck, I think, adequate is not perfect....adequate is code for maybe. Okay, where do we go from here. She asks me what I've decided and says she can't remember my choices clearly. Shit, she can't remember...I thought I was special...*sigh*..alas it appears I'm just average. Moving on from my sarcastic thoughts, I tell her I thought we were moving in the direction of donor egg with my uterus. She asks if I've made a wish list. Wish list? She says she has one donor in mind that matches my ethnicity that she's thinking of...hmmm...okay...the rest of the conversation is just basic bullshit...bullshit that still hurts but only because of what we're talking about, not because of how it's delivered. She'll have Allison the person in charge of donors call me. I thank her. I want to cry as all I can do is picture her sitting there pregnant talking to me about using one particular chicks donor eggs that she has in mind because she is my same race and I wonder if she even knows what race I am. I'm upset obviously but it's not the conversation...it's really just about a million different things, a million different difficult and painful reasons.

 I don't care what race I get which is something that someone else might care about.. but me, not so much. So it's not matchy matchy...don't care. I need the chick to have gone to college, have not done drugs, not have been a total slut or loser or unable to concentrate or given her mother hell. I want her to be smart, gentle, and sweet as I'm not fully convinced that these attributes are all gathered through nurture rather than nature. I want to know why she's giving up her eggs for 8 thousand dollars because you couldn't give me a million dollars for one itty bitty one of mine even if they are no good just because there is a possibility that my baby may be going home with you. But if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't think like me, didn't look at her eggs as too precious to give away, I'd have no chance at all. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, and shit. I guess I still haven't fully absorbed the idea of using someone else's eggs. I can't explain it really but I imagine that everyone feels this way, that this decision isn't an easy one for anybody, and that this idea, as sickening as it is, and I'm sorry to say that it is, is easier to digest than the thought of travelling to Haiti to adopt someone else's baby. That sentence, as horrible as it is in content and probably in grammar, is too true...painful, selfish, perhaps egomaniacal but true. It's how I feel, right or wrong. And I can't help but wonder, am I just grasping at straws here. Is this some bone they throw you when you want something that's never going to happen? I don't know..I don't know. I'm scared....I'm scared it's over..and I'm scared it won't work.

I wait for Allison's phone call and we'll see what that brings. Can't wait.

Family

Yesterday I spent the day with my fairy Godmother. My Godmother is one of those people who doesn't edit and doesn't edit in a loud voice. She will bring up the fact that my sister, who mistakenly felt she could share this information with her, had an abortion when she was 19 years old. Any time I spent time with her she says, so and so had an abortion, remember? I don't think that's something that anybody forgets. She also anounced during her grandson's baby shower (the fact that I had to go wasn't enough) that I'm using donor sperm and getting inseminated. Luckily nobody in the room was English speaking and I quickly told her this was private...not that I think this really makes a difference to her. Yesterday she says, so did you get inseminated? We were in the car but still, this isn't something you just blurt out. She also told me her, her son, and his wife were talking about me and how they couldn't understand why I couldn't find a man as I had such a pretty face. My usual come back for when married people say this is "why would I want to find a man and be married, so I can be as happy as you"...I don't know any happily married people. Anyhow I didn't say this, I just said, I don't want a man right now which is true, I don't. Later after this baby ordeal is resolved maybe I'll look for someone when a few years have passed. She asked me if I was pregnant and sometimes, even though I love these people and have respect for the fact that they're old and crotchedy, I still want to punch them in the nose. Have some sensitivity people. She proceeds to tell me maybe it's not God's plan for me....yes, maybe it's not but maybe it is and I tell her how I wouldn't be happy otherwise. She says that against her feelings she will pray that it happens for me (she was a nun for over 25 years..'nough said). I change the topic...a million times yesterday I change the topic and I practically kick her with my shoe out of the car in the drowning rain. I pick up her million pound dog from the back of the car and all her bags and quickly deposit them in her living room as my shirt, hair and jeans are drenched and my mascara runs down my cheeks...I don't care, I just want her out. Tess and I drive home wet as all hell but finally blissfully alone after spending about 5 hours with her getting her dog and my Tess groomed. Today we go to my uncle's for a barbecue. I always go when he invites us as it's the only family gathering that is actually enjoyable and I think this is mostly due to the fact that both he and his wife push drinks on everyone all day long and everyone ends up buzzed and happy..me included. I get there and am served cheap wine with ice in a paper cup and promptly proceed to get drunk. I'm a wine drinker and no, it's usually not with ice or in a paper cup but for whatever reason, whenever I go there, I drink it the way they want to serve me and enjoy it...I go with D ahead of the other sibs who are also going and meet my mother and our old neighbor who are already there. Our old neighbor is like family and  she's known all of us our whole lives. She had 4 children herself, 3 girls and a boy and the girls all died young from different illnesses and the boy was the only one who survived. This lady is like a Saint though she is nowhere nears a bright woman, she is an absolutely kind woman and D refers to her as Grandma and always has as she's known D since they dropped D off from the foster agency. Anyhow, she's not well these days and I think she is soon going to die. I just have that feeling. I love her to death and when I lived at home she would come over every week and clean my room for me, empty my ashtrays, and the like and I could always count on her to help me in a way I couldn't with my mother. I sat next to her and she explained she wasn't feeling well but had a doctor's appointment next month...I tell her to call the doctor tomorrow...I know she's not well. She asks me if I have any luck with the baby situation and I explain that I don't. She tells me, well, if it's meant to be it'll happen. And this makes me feel better. I always feel like she has a direct connection to God..have you ever met that kind of person? Too good for this earth? This is her. I remember her cooking one day in my mother's kitchen and her saying that the pot would not boil and she finally says, wait, I'll fix it...she takes the spoon and taps the pot in the sign of the cross and doesn't that mother boil. My sister and I couldn't believe it and she continued on as if this was perfectly normal. She's special and although I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, I'll miss her when she's gone. On the other side of me sat my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin, who is 40 mind you, has been dating this girl over 10 years but never proposed. She says she doesn't want to marry either but tonight when she was ribbed with this as usual she says it but it lacks conviction and I, in my ghetto wine stupor, say to her listen, if nothing else, have your babies, whatever you have to do have your babies. I whisper this as my sibs are across from me and my sister says to her, don't listen to whatever she's saying, she's drunk. I tell her, I may be drunk but I'm telling her the truth and she says next year and I make her promise me this is true and I tell her I'm going to check on her. She's 35..next year is a good time though this year is better. I tell her, your eggs grow old and those hollywood ladies are using somebody else's so don't think that doctors have a magic wand. She says she knows...we'll see. I had a nice time with her and my cousin, her boyfriend who is the only cousin geographically close to us and one of the only cousins we grew up with. It was real nice. It felt like we really had family. My cousin agreed that it was hard not to have family here in the U.S.. and it really is. It's why neighbors and Godmothers become family members because there's nobody else around.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.

Bruising

Today felt really weird. Kay was back at work finally and I had missed her like crazy. The last, I'd say 3 days, it had seemed the pain had subsided a bit but today it was back...not in full force mind you, but just this slight ache and pain in my heart, a slightly bruised feeling of sorrow in my chest just hurting me ever so slightly. There was a little girl at work today..she must have been all of 1 1/2, if that, with cute little clothes on and the sweetest sounding chirping sounds were coming from the office and I finally took a look to see who it was. The colleague who was taking care of her mother later told me that the mother was pregnant again and also had 2 other children who had been taken away by children services due to neglect...isn't that just crap? Heartbreaking crap but there it is.
I prayed last night for God to tell me if I was making the right decision on the donor embryo and pursuing a child still and today, for whatever reason, I got the feeling that a baby just isn't in the cards for me. I know this really means nothing but it's a feeling I have, the feeling that added to my renewed sadness today. I just don't know what direction my life is going in as it seems like all the really big decisions are out of my hands and going nothing like I had imagined or would have planned them to go. It's just so painful sometimes..this whole thing is just so unimaginably painful...and I don't know which way to turn if this never happens for me. I don't even think I'll have the money left to try adoption. I still haven't gotten rid of all the books and baby clothes Diana had given me though I think tomorrow I'll box them up and give them to my mother for her friend's garage sale....no, on second thought I'll just toss in in the salvation army bin...avoid all the questions and the look of satisfaction on her face knowing that I can't have a child. It's hard not to be able to share this unbelievable sadness with my family but none of them were thrilled with my decision nor will they entertain the topic with me so I have to just sort of live around it when I'm with them. It breaks my heart and Kay, who has a very supportive family is always shocked at the shenanigans that happen with my family, the callousness really. You get used to it so it isn't a surprise but this pain has been one of the most difficult things to keep under wraps. I feel like someone has scooped out all of my insides and left me empty...left me with an agonizing emptiness. But enough about my pain...there are only a limited amount of adjectives you can use to describe pain before you start sounding like a drama queen or some badly written soap scene. I just have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Just keep moving forward towards what? I don't know. Towards nothing. Towards the same shit every day. If there is no baby, I have to stay at my job long enough to pay off all this debt and then I'll sell this joint and move into a little apartment. In my head I go back to smoking and drinking fully caffeinated coffee, go back to art and just living for me, getting through it as painlessly as I possibly can. I know I don't talk much about what I do and who I work with but the meat and potatoes of my job is about children...fucked up children who are either fucked up because of choices they've made for themselves or  being raised by fucked up people or in the middle of a fucked up situation. Mostly we just hear the story and don't meet the children, just deal with the legalities of their situation or deal with state laws and shit but we do see these children mostly because when we see the parents they bring them with them...I can't do this job without having my heart broken for the rest of my life. My old boss, my first boss, a kind woman, had lost her child when he was just a little boy..her only son, and I never knew how she did this job. She would drink at lunch and drink more at home and she would pace and pace and pace the halls and frankly I don't want to do this, I don't think I'm strong enough to do this; to have this shit hammered into your head on a daily basis when you have no babies in your arms and you see all these babies get all fucked up by their fucked up drug addicted, crazy assed, self absorbed parents. I can't do this with no babies...it would just be a daily torture. One of the other chicks I became friends with also using the same cryo bank is in a similar field and also unable to get pregnant. She jokes that maybe if she smoked a little crack it would happen as that's what seems to work for the people she works with. It's not funny but it's a little true...I used to work in mental health and always remember the one client who delivered a baby in her room. She was schizophrenic and had already had 8 babies taken from her by children's services....it's seems the more fucked up you are the more fertile......crack addict = 10 babies, schizophrenic = 5 babies...no addictions and no (serious) mental health issues = you get bupkis. I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't.

Voodoo dolls and the TWW....again

This two week wait seems a little different...no false hopes. I'm thinking this ain't it. Why? Because it's the safest thing to think...a safer thought that doesn't hurt as much....negative and I know that's not good but neither is crying for a month afterwards soo... Listened to two relaxation tapes this morning as I feel a pit in my stomach and scheduled a session with the acupuncturist for tomorrow though mine is away so will have to see the guy Marc. Did I tell you about Marc...I saw him once before ..it was awkward as he's about my age and we were talking about my period and really dude you're not a doctor so...I told him so...just said this conversation is uncomfortable...awesome and tactful but it's how I am..ugh. He's Kay's regular acupuncturist at another place where he works. Anyhow I have a session with him tomorrow and I hope I can relax. I have cramps which I read back to my last TWW posts and this is the norm. Weird how you forget from each time to each time though you never forget the unbearable feeling of waiting. I'd forgotten that last time I'd only had 3 embryo put back in and I knew even when he did it that my chances weren't good so there is a slight edge this time..does that sound too positive..ha ha...that's as excited as I'll get. I would think my chances were very good this time but I'm scared to think this...just scared at where I am at this point in the process really...no more insurance money, dwindling hope, increase in anxiety, and 41. Not sure if I mentioned that my friend Lexi brought me over a fertility doll that her mom had made...it's very adorable...she said she put "corn rows" in her hair...and her body is stuffed with rice. I showed Kay a photo..she noted the blue eyes and I told her the corn rows and rice were from my side of the family...yup, I got jokes! Lexi explained that you have to name the doll so I gave it a combo of my girl and boy name picks for my babies. Have had them picked out for years now.

Weirdly cute right?  Anyhow, I had always thought I'd have a twin boy and girl...maybe this is just what everyone fantasizes about but I really thought I would...if it happened I'd be over the moon...just one and I'd be over the moon. Yesterday and today I kept praying and praying and I finally said to God, listen, you know what my prayer is so I'm not going to just keep repeating it a million times during the day as I feel like this is just me begging. I asked for it to be His will and I'll pray at night as usual and my brief morning salutations. I'm not going to lose my mind over it as if it doesn't happen my fear is I'll lose my faith and I need my faith...it's what helps keep me "sane" or whatever this mental state is called. It has always been my light in the uncertain dark. Something more powerful than me that I guess I have to hold onto and grasp because without it life is just to lonely and scary so I don't want to lose it.

23 on the 22nd

Kay tells me 22 is her lucky number. She came to pick me up this morning at 7:40 a.m. for my egg retrieval...is that a good friend or what?!? They got 23 eggs. I'm trying to think of it as 22 eggs and one for good luck on today the 22nd of April. The only reason 22 is her lucky number is due to her being a Mets fan and loving Al Leiter (retired) who was number 22..that's Kay for you. I babbled after the procedure to my doctor telling her what a doll she was and all kinds of stuff and yup, she's pregnant...asked the nurse who didn't want to say but finally said and gave me the scoop..she doesn't want her patients to feel bad and blah blah blah..hurts but not like it would with anybody else..she deserves it..really does. If you met her you'd understand...a beautiful person inside and out like no other...a real doll just like I babbled to her. I spent the morning sleeping and eating bagels..a food a rarely allow myself...ate bagels all day which is really not good. Gotta freeze the rest of them as it really is a trigger for me. Went to my mom's for a minute where I got an eyeroll from my sibling when I told them I couldn't lift a bed frame wtih them...piece of work as they knew what I'd had done today...I wasn't even supposed to be driving for cripes sake..can you imagine? Probably yes and I don't even know why I'm surprised...I'm the fool really but alas trying not to let them blow my zen feeling. I've only wanted to cry a few times today which is pretty good as I've been a baller this whole month. I go to work tomorrow and Tuesday am off on Wednesday and Thursday and am thinking I'll call out Friday...we'll see how things go. Just praying for some fertilizations tomorrow. The nurse today, told me she has 3 children which include a set of "IVF twins" as she put it. She said "people think because you try when you're young it's going to happen but it's not that easy"...girl please! I think each and every baby is a miracle and I just don't even know how people get it done naturally...really..it's just amazing. My doctor seemed so hopeful today for me as did the nurse but me, I am trying not to dream too high..am thinking one more time after this and I gotta throw in the towel but then again if it doesn't happen on this or the next who knows what I'll feel. Where do you stop though really? Do you try til you're bankrupt and unable to give the child all you'd like to? I don't know. I really don't. My friend Mike (who is like a cousin to me as we all grew up together) was telling me him and his wife were trying and stopped at $40K...money they can't afford...alas, no baby, two dogs and no babies, and they stopped trying..can't blame them. I'd originally said I'd stop at $30K but not sure...that really is only enough for 2 more tries any ol' way. So I'll just keep praying and see what God has in store for me...hoping it's a baby.

Wassssup??

Tomorrow I go to "D"s meeting. I'm trying to remind myself to stay calm, not be defensive and not to let the ghetto in me rear it's ugly head and just speak what's on my mind...only because it wouldn't be fair to "D". I'm nervous about the meeting as in my experience, and I've done about a million "D" meetings in my life, it's always "D"s fault..even when it isn't..it's always that there's something wrong with "D" and it raises my hackles. The stakes are different this time as it's not like when I would deal with the school...school is a God given right in this country..day programs are a privelege. So I gotta shut my pie hole. Not an easy task.

On the baby making front, I went to see Dr. B on Monday as I'd gotten my period on Saturday night which was perfect...I was so fearful that it would come on Friday though my cycle really runs more like 29-30 days than the usual 28..so Saturday made it better as Dr. B had told me last time that she wanted to count my spotting day as day 1 rather than counting the first full period day as number 1. She started me on the pill that day saying that she wanted my eggs to all catch up in maturity as though I always gave a good number of eggs..good numbers weren't shit if they weren't any good...of course she said it much more eloquently and didn't curse but that was about what she related. I'm on the pill for a week and a half (until next Wednesday April 4th) and then go in to see her Friday the 6th. Good Friday..interesting.

Anyhow that's it for now...praying praying praying and just trying to be a good person and make something of this life..

Mood swings

The day went easier than I thought...much better than last week's day in East Jabib that's for sure. Interviewed a slew of people which really is unnecessary..we should just ask for a resume and to have them sit for 3 minutes as that's how long it takes to make up your mind...then again my boss always has ulterior motives for hiring people so ..
Anyhow, was feeling good about myself today, somewhat productive though I'll admit am concerned about my lack of energy..will try and go to the doctor for blood work as I'm sure it's all fucked up..as usual. I tell you this whole cancer shit really fucked up my body and I can't help but think it's impacting the fertility thing but who knows...what I do know is that I'm having trouble absorbing different vitamins and it's been going on for too long and I'm too tired and though I've been taking the sublingual b-12 I know I have to bite the bullet and just go in to get my shots..sucks. Anyhow I was feeling okay like I said and log onto facebook. My real reason for going online tonight was to do some research on accupuncture and it's benefits with trying to conceive but I am a get distracted type of person and of course digressed into a different area. I log on and it seems like everyone is pregnant or had a baby or some such thing...3 at one time..2 pregnancies and one baby and I am by no means one of those people with a trillion facebook friends..I have my modest 100+ that's it. So it got me down a bit. I just ..well..I think it'd be ridiculous to mention what I was..what's the focus of this blog if not to whine about not having a baby. It's not whining really and I need to cut myself a break. I think most women...want a baby..it's natural to want a baby and a family so I'm just doing what's natural and boy is it painful not to be able to do it. I'm trying again this month...going to try the accupuncture I think..don't have a positive feeling but gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my chin up, keep the faith, and all that other good stuff you're supposed to say or tell yourself or believe or whatever.

Regrouping

I have been in a serious funk. A serious funk I tell you. Some deep shit of sadness and I can't for the life of me recall if this happened the last time IVF failed. It's taking a toll and my fucking job and asshole boss don't help. I can't seem to make myself feel any better no matter what I do so I'm allowing myself to wallow a little but then I have to find a way to regroup. Have to find a way to get my spirits up before the next IVF as I think it'll effect the outcome. I want to feel calm, at peace and just semi-happy at least. I made myself a deal. If there is no baby I'm out. I'm going to finish up with my credentials, sell the condo, pay off as much as I can on my student loans, and get the fuck out. I can find an apartment for less than a grand because really, who needs luxury. Talking to a friend at work about it, she balked and said you'll never make this much, but really, who needs money if you have no kids? You just need enough to live and make sure you're covered for when you retire..that's it. There would be no college loans or any such thing to worry about and I figure I sock enough away monthly now that I can apply to some of my student loans and the like to get me out of debt and outta this job pronto. That's if there is no baby and I hope that there is..I don't care if I'm stuck working in hell forever but please give me my baby God. I also am seriously thinking that after the baby I'm doing lap band. I just can't take the weight anymore. I don't want to get heavier than I am as I'll be entering the morbidly obese category and it's not even that..it's that I'm ashamed of myself and what I look like..ashamed. So after the baby or after if there is no baby..lap band. Hate to do it and I never thought I would but there it is.

Worrying, Hoping, but definitely not Sleeping

I was awoken this morning by a text from my sib at the unGodly hour of 6:30 a.m. and I was in a deep sleep..finally. Of course that was it for me so here I am worrying, stressing, feeling sorry for myself. I've been looking up all kinds of stuff...for instance, this morning, caffeine and IVF? results:don't do it. So I'm making some tea which is usually something I don't drink and if I do, it's usually something I drink at night..but I need something warm though I'd love a coffee. I told myself if it doesn't happen this time I'm going to sit down with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and get my ear pierced..again..self destructive huh? Mildly but it's the best I can do. I'd get a tattoo but I'm saving that for in case I do have a child and will ink something fabulous to commemorate I'm sure..or not. I just want one to take..just one..boy or girl..anything healthy...I guess that's what we all want. I was talking to one of the girls online who has done 5 IUI (paying it out of her own pocket) and using donor sperm and she said how she wants twins...I want twins too but I won't be greedy..just send me my one baby and we'll call it a done deal. I have significant cramps today probably from the catheter. I read up on the whole business and they said right now what my body is hopefully doing is keeping the embryo warm and safe while the cells God-willing are multiplying. About 7 days post transfer they should be done and then the thing hatches (hatches?) and hopeful implantation begins. I'll admit that the last time around I didn't know that this is how it worked. I imagined that implantation was a battle that was starting as soon as they were put in but alas, that is not the case. I'm just hoping they do multiply..doctor said they were slow ones..not great...but it is what it is and miracles do happen. I have to call the clinic today as I forgot to jot down how much progesterone I'm supposed to inject myself with..duh. Thought of it last night. I think it's 2cc's but I'm not sure and I'm definitely not going to guess.
There's just so much shit running through my head..disappointments and upset with others and worry about never having babies...an idea I just can't seem to wrap my head around. Gonna try to stay positive and focused today...would love to clean out my closets though don't want to do anything that I might dwell about later..just going to chill with Tess and watch the boob tube, go online, maybe venture out a little later to the supermarket..we'll see.
Oh, P.S. Today is the 7th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis..Time flies.

Embryo transfer

Woke up this morning after a dream that a man entered my home with two little children...a girl and a boy...literally walked right in and I was only wearing a tshirt and I reprimanded him. The little boy came up to me..he had to be maybe all of 2 years old and asked why I yelled, if I was upset. I took his pudgy little hand in mine and told him that I wasn't and he was precious..then I woke up. Got up showered and about 1/4 to 9 got the call asking if I could come in by 10. I was already showered so I called Kay who sounded dead asleep and told her and she said she'd pick me up at 9;15 and off we went. 3 embryo made it and all 3 went in. They said though they didn't multiply as quickly as they wanted they were definitely in good shape and progressing with no cell fragmentation. I was high on valium which was good and the Dr. was nice. The whole thing took maybe 5 minutes...put my relaxation tape on my ipod on and slept for 1/2 hour, given an injection of Progesterone which I'll have to do every morning with a progesterone suppository (vaginal) at night. Instructions to take estradol sp? beginning Friday, and left and here I am to tell the tale. Feeling hopeful and happy and hoping they stay in.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

It's been a crazy weekend with one of my sibs falling apart and having had something stolen from their car...not good. They had asked me earlier in the week if I would loan them my credit card for a much needed vacation and they'd pay me with their income tax money. I'll be honest and say I was hesitant though I agreed. I don't think they get that I'm financially pre-occupied right now as I have about 8k worth of sperm on a credit card (which I mean to transfer asap), am unsure if this is the year I get a baby, which would also be financially demanding, and I have to buy a friggin car. I have some savings but it's not like it's tons of money...I have a mortgage and student loans from both my bachelor's and master's degrees..ummmm hellooo.. I found that I couldn't say no though but when I asked that they repay me in a lump sum rather than installments they kind of backed off but then had a break yesterday when the crap was stolen from the car so we'll see. They have an anxiety disorder which believe me I get but sometimes I just wish they would be a little more financially responsible.
Today, I woke up with my own feelings of anxiety for really no good reason. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with all the crossroads I'm encountering in my life at this time. My car is in really bad shape and I'm scared it won't hold up but I don't want to commit to a car that I'll regret if I don't or if I do, for that matter, get pregnant. I found the car I think though I've yet to see it up close and personal.. To my utter shock it's considered a luxury brand though it's not one you see every day. Bumped into it and liked it and used it cost about the same as any other which is kind of strange and I don't really get why that is but it is what it is. I'm just nervous as I hate to put myself in a financial hole. Tomorrow I go back to the RE and we start the IVF process again. I'm nervous...really nervous..more than I thought I'd be..it's working my stomach real good. I just keep hoping and praying that this happens and it's God's will. This could really break me and that scares me. I was looking up the adoption process for Haiti which for whatever naive reason, I thought would be easier, and found that it's quite complicated. When I see my connection I'm going to ask her if it really is as complex as all that. For now, I'm focusing on trying for a bio one. Focusing, hoping, praying, and dying of anxiety!

A Quiet Desperation

All week I've been obsessing with the thought that I hope I get pregnant..ever since I spoke to the RE on Monday. I have to keep things in perspective and keep myself hopeful but not so hopeful that I set myself up for a devastation. I have two things that are better or different happening than last time; one, my fibroid was cut back, and two, I'm using a different sperm..one that I really want to take. I'm just worried that it won't happen and then wonder what I'll do with my life really...what plans I will have. I spoke to Kay about that fact that I now have to replace my car due to the tranny problem and explained that if I do indeed get pregnant then that would effect what type of car I get and I'd get something more conventional...if it's not in the cars then I'll rebuy what I drive now which is ridiculously unconventional by any stretch of the imagination particularly for a woman my age (ugh the sound of that..ugh, but true). She asked me if it didn't work, wasn't I planning to adopt? Well, I guess I'd have to cross that road but that would be down the pike as this has been emotionally exhausting and I can't continue on a race like thi; have it not work and jump into another battle in an effort to find my baby..I would need time to just collect myself and my disappointment. The thought makes me want to cry. I have two more shots at this left which isn't bad and the RE said she thought my chances were not bad...she didn't say they were good but when I asked her if they were bad, she said absolutely not..made me feel a lot better. So we'll see where it goes. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll do if it doesn't happen. A part of me gets so crazed at the idea that I think I'd sell my place, quit my job and just live a simple bullshit, hippy, go back to art life...just feels I'd need to shut down and just get away from all my coworkers who are mothers or wives or both and just so fucking proud of it all that they have to talk about it nonstop..Yes, I realize I'd do the same but it hurts nonetheless. I keep looking up shit to up your chances of conceiving..really not that helpful though they keep mentioning reduce stress..difficult though I'm trying to disengage myself from the bitches at work or I should say, continuing to try..I'm listening to my meditation CD on my breaks there which is somewhat helpful but not always and just trying to keep or needing to try to keep a low profile while there. The work has been relentless this week but I'm trying to just do it and shut up about it. I've been feeling cramping lately indicating my period is coming and the start of this rat race of injections again. I'm ready..I think I'm ready. Going to take some time off when the time comes and just be better to myself. Not always such an easy task.

The Doc

I love my doctor..my RE that is..have I mentioned this? She's beautiful inside and out and just the nicest person you can ever imagine..seems unreal sometimes. I'm at times a very nosey person..I say at times as there are others where you'd think I would want to know something and I really couldn't care less. So yesterday when I'm sitting with Kay for countless hours she asks me about my doctor..how old is she..does she have kids..where does she live? How the frick should I know. I never thought about it..never thought about her and you know what, sometimes you're better off not knowing. I think if it wasn't for the nature of my job, where you receive more information about people than you would ever want to know..their deepest, darkest and dirtiest, I'd probably be more inquisitive in general but well, it kind of changes stuff for me but when Kay asked, I quickly got to work digging...wish I hadn't. Ended up seeing a pic of her in an intimate pic with her family of her after giving birth. She has 2 children btw, both boys, and a handsome husband who is from the same country as her though his job is not nearly as prestigious as hers...she's early 30's and he's late 30's...I know exact ages but really what I found was too much information. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing that some people are indeed ..just human...lost some of that ethereal quality she had about her though she still is a sweety! You ever meet someone that you wish you could be even a little like? I think..how do you grow up to be a person like this..so nice, caring, loving and beautiful to boot? Don't know..something to strive towards emulating I suppose..(good luck with that one Gem)!

She called me today regarding the plans. She said continue with meds..blah blah and she was thinking..this is what she says..she was thinking I could probably remove these tubes myself..oh lawd!..will be removing them Monday night..myself! sheesh! I figure if I can inject myself in the rear..this should be a cinch..at least I can reach and use a mirror (her suggestion, the mirror).

Went to a meeting for "D" this morning as they are signing "D" up for a work program. They explained "D" felt 12 hours a week would be fine..I said, you know "D" has no concept of what 12 hours is right?..."really?"...yes, really...how bout we start with 8 hours as last time "D" tried working it was 2 hours a week and poor "D" was terminated..poor kid..terminated and devestated. Went to Walmart afterwards..a big trip as it's not that nearby..love that store! can't get over how cheap everything is there...you can buy Jeans for $20..sometimes even cheaper!! Bought a whole bunch of men's long sleeved t's for the weekends...comfy and I don't give a shit what they look like really as I feel gross about my body right now so don't want to spend tons on clothes. Went home and took a walk with Tess but really I think I try to do too much..I have to try and rest more.

Next embryo transplant..I have to take it easy..Doc implied it might not happen until February..that's fine too. Can't stress. I didn't mention that one of my facebook friends..my age...just announced yesterday that she's expecting again..her *cough..6th! She was looking for hand-me-downs...interesting..as I would have never thought to post a request..sometimes I think I'm a bit of a snob that way..expecting everything to be new for a new baby... Got a text today from an ex-coworker (who I don't particularly care for) saying one of her children (2 are currently pregnant..AGAIN!!) is expecting a girl! It's a girl! I really want to write back..who gives a shit you bragging moron??!!! but I can't so instead I just don't reply...can't anymore. Kay says, just think how great it'll be when you can announce yours..I suppose...you know you're a grump when Kay is seeing the glass as half full as opposed to you..Gonna try to stay positive. I do feel hopeful. Felt hopeful after hanging up with the doctor. She told me they had to remove more of the fibroid than they thought..it isn't a separate fibroid like Kay said, it's actually the one on the outside that's growing into the inside...lovely..whatever. I hope that if I do get pregnant I can ask the ob/gyn to do a c-section and remove the fibroid at the same time. My thinking is my chances of a c-section are high because of my weight...might as well kill two birds with one stone as the fibroid is too large for laproscopic surgery..it's actually larger than my uterus..scary so I want it out..don't need anything in me that might in any way be cancer. Waiting for pathology on the D&C which scares me...the word pathology itself scares me now..don't find anything please! So that's that..Monday tubes come out which I can't wait as it's beyond even describable of what it's like though not the worse thing I've ever had..thank God..just want to be able to feel like I don't have to walk gingerly with something hanging between my legs.

Oh, my sister called me today...surprising..but it was good to connect. Have to accept was is given rather than be disappointed that the connection didn't have what I was looking for. It is what it is and I have to be grateful as I need my family..disfunctional as it may be..

Say What?!

So I go in for my "uterine study" today which also included a D&C...glad I didn't know about that til the last minute as I would have freaked. So I'm in there for a good 2 hours come out in recovery in mega pain...morphine...pain...more morphine...pain...more morphine.. Laying in recovery with my friend Kay who deserves to win the lotto as she has been just too good to me, really, her name should appear where it says father of the child, and so I"m trying to just feel better so I can go and I'm moving around and feel I need to go pee. Kay gets the nurse who takes me to the bathroom and tells me to ring the buzzer if there's a problem or when I'm done. So I go to sit down and feel something...hmmmm...reach down and there's definitely something down there that's not a baby..WTF???..in my morphine haze I'm trying to calm myself down and make sure I'm not hallucinating..WTF??!!..WTF? I look..I've got some cables coming out of my vagina..like the ones you plug behind the computer sort of...hmm..wtf?..I look again and think..'are you hallucinating Gem?'...'uh, no, there's cables there'...call the nurse...she says..."what? Are you sure?"..yes I'm sure.."what is it". I tell her well it's not a penis!.."can I see"..umm....another nurse comes..Kay comes..THANK GOD FOR KAY!! who says, the Dr. mentioned a catheter...Oh says one nurse, I heard of another Dr. doing this...whew! thought my Dr. had forgotten to finish up. Just pee with it on and pat dry they tell me..Okay. I have to have this shit in me for 20 days..on closer inspection the tubes go from inside and are taped to the side of my leg..interesting..how do you bathe with this? No idea. This baby better behave when it's born...and it better sleep and grow up to be a Dr. or an engineer or something good..better not give me a lick of trouble I tell you as I've already been throug hell it seems..but in the end it'll be worth it. They found a fibroid that they hadn't realized was there..good. Almost made it home but upon entering my complex had to yell at Kay to stop the car, flung the door open and still wearing my seatbelt puked my brains out, and puked, and puked, and puked..didn't think I'd ever get inside. Finally was able to eat something around 9..that was my day. My doctor also informed me my iron is extremely deficient and my thyroid levels are extremely low...both too low for a baby...gotta go hustle to my other doctors and get this fixed.. but at least I know and thank God for kick ass insurance! Exhausted but got through it. God is good.

Thanksgiving

I woke up today around 6:30 a.m. feeling grateful and thankful for all that I have; A family, friends, a good job, my Tess...and too many blessings to really count. This week one of my coworkers let me in to the fact that she had nowhere to go for Thanksgivng..this is a real crazy lady and she really doesn't work for us per se but near us and so she comes in daily to water my plants, get a little free therapy as she is going through something, help me with my mail, and just shoot the shit. People stay away from her but all in all she's not terrible though I've had my share of bad experiences with her. So she's got nowhere to go and reluctantly I invited her to visit the disfunction junction though she declined and it made me think how lucky I was to have a family to spend the holiday with. Onward moved the day, I finished making what I was bringing with and for whatever reason I terrible sense of sadness has come in to swoop over me. Thinking about Pussyface and Asshole...not having my own family..my own baby..a partner of any kind...just made me sad. So here I am putting this down here before I had out to face la familia and try not to destroy a holiday with my craziness. I don't know what it'll take to make me feel some sort of serenity in my life...not happiness per se but just serenity..always feeling like I am not enough in some way or harping on the past. Have to move forward in a more positive light. I have faith that this is possible but I have to make some changes in my life beginning with myself to see this happen...beginning with feeling more grateful...more glass half full.

Don't drink and cry

This was an extremely long weekend...not long in the good way..exhausting long. Last night Lexi, the young girl from work who's 23 year old came over. It was supposed to be "girls night in"..her idea and Kay was supposed to come over. I feel bad for Lex as she works with all old people so we're it in terms of fun..me who's 40 and Kay who is pushing 59 with both hands..Kay couldn't make it. Her son was in the war and right now, he's not doing well so she didn't feel like she could leave him so it ended up just me and Lexi. She brought over, I gag as I think back to it..fruit punch and coconut rum..mix those together and what do you get?...some bad ass puking if you drink too much of that..I limited myself to a tiny bit. It was a nice night but she was here until 1 a.m. and I was tired though I'm usually up that late but not with company. Today we had "brunch" for my father's birthday at some ritzy place my sister's wanted to go to..I put brunch in quotes as they called it brunch but it was 1p.m so....we'd been there before and really..it's good but out of the way and still pricey for "brunch" anyway. Drank too many mimosas, and now after a weekend of too much shitty booze I want to play the crying game. Am trying not to and trying to keep in mind it's the booze crying not me though in reality I think it's a little of both. Another day spent with my sister's where nobody asks how things are going with the baby making...cool right? Fuckers. I promised myself, I am not bringing it up just to be shot down again, and I'm sticking to my word...not that anybody gives a shit but... It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't make me feel so alone. If I was with someone I imagine that it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't ask me as I'd be in this with someone..but to do it alone and not have the support of your family...not a good feeling. We're not having company for Thanksgiving..which is really unheard of in my house so no distractions from each other....suuuuckkks!!

This week I'm working a three day week..which is excellent but I start tomorrow with a management meeting which is not so excellent..worst shit I do at work but hoping it just goes by fast and I can just sit there and do what I have to do and get out...just want the week to go by. Haven't heard anything from my Dr. about going into the hospital for the uterus study..want that done and have to call the cryobank to see when the old guy I was using has more juice available... I just want to get on with this already but by the same token I feel so unravelled at times that I just want to stop and take a break from it all..not sure. I'm going to try to call that therapist that I found, this week. The shit is that when I'm working, as stressful as it is..I feel better and then think well I'm alright I don't need a therapist right now..then I get to the weekends and my real life and I"m hanging on to sanity for dear life..ain't that the way of things. Anyhow..we'll see what this brings..hoping this weekend isn't horrible..trying not to stress out.

I'm Up!

I got a call from my RE today. I was supposed to have called this week and had every intention of calling yesterday when I left work early but really couldn't bring myself to do it, emotionally. She calls me today and says she's reviewed my chart and wants to do a study of my uterus..she explains my insurance pays for it and she sees on the films she has there is a tiny flap which she wants to look at more closely and shave down if she can..she doesn't think it's a big deal but wants to cover all angles. She calls in a script to my pharmacy for birth control to stop the thickening of my uterine lining which I have to start immediately she says...I have to go to a hospital not her clinic for a procedure though she'll be the one doing it..it's either Tuesday next week (doubtful) or the Tuesday the following week. I nod, say yes, agree, hang up and want to break into tears. This means I again have to go for xrays, ekg, and all that crap I just finished last month. Have to take time off from work, find someone to drive me, and just get my shit together when emotionally I'm just tired but I gotta do what I gotta do. If the hospital was local it wouldn't be so bad but of course it's in the next state and about an hour away..making it more difficult. I had someone at work today tell me that I'm lucky I don't have children as they really do tire you out..said like a person who had no problems having kids, got married at the right age, and life is just ho-hos and bon bons.. To these people I would like to say, "fuck you idiot!"...but you can't. Anyhow, this round I'm going to take time off and do things the right way. The girl who'd made the comment that she felt I should have taken it easy last time and I did too much, talked to me today and apologized for saying it. I told her next time tell me as I'm doing it as this is my base M.O. it's how I've always done things full steam ahead and it really is my base line..I'm constantly running, constantly stressed, constantly rushing and pushing myself until I can't anymore and I don't realize I do it until I'm falling on my face. I explained that until she said it I didn't even realize I was doing it and I was so glad she said it as it didn't even occur to me..the only thought in my head was that after the insemination I had gone out to lunch with a friend..thinking maybe I shouldn't have been sitting up..never realized I'd been running around..!!!!!I'm such a moron sometimes.... I'll be getting more Personal time in January which is good as it's time where they can't ask you what you're doing or deny you...unlike sick whereas if you use 3 days in a row you need a doctor's note with an explanation..I'm going to use my time and make sure I'm relaxed even if it cuts into my maternity leave time..I'll have to save more money and just pay my own way if I don't have the time..shit happens...and I have to stop being so greedy..just have to cut my expenses and pinch pennies and watch my Christmas shopping.

Getting back to the conversation with the Doc, she said that she wants me to keep trying as she thinks my chances are good. I'm scared that she's wrong but know I'll use every last cent to try and when that's gone...I don't know. Just hoping this next one takes..please God. I have to get away from the stress at work and it's so intense. I walk out of there on a regular basis with a pit in my stomach and it's really from the bitches not from the actual work...today it even included one of the guys..soo fucking arrogant. He was pissed that I told him I didn't want him speaking to the opposing's attorney without our attorney or the client..at all! no sharing of information..he thought it was because I didn't feel comfortable speaking to attorneys but he explained to me this is something he was quite comfortable with and had experience doing..I had to explain that it had to do with confidentiality...fucking idiot big dick penis head!! and told him that any fool could speak to an attorney..idiot. I spoke to the boss today about the shit going on with my staff and just briefly let her know that there is trouble with horse-face who is very pissed at me right now and that she might hear some shit come down the pike..she said she appreciates being warned but the truth is you know if the shit hits the fan she'll take pleasure in frying my ass...oh well...can't keep thinking about that place and the drama there. Have to think about me-Gem! and my hopes and dreams and how if I don't relax..it's not going to happen..I wish I knew how to relax...if you asked me the most relaxing thing for me I'd tell you a cigarette with a glass of wine but for whatever reason..I don't think that's the answer in this situation (joke).

Testing, one, two, three, testing...

So I bought a home pregnancy test during my lunch break at work. I know it's early but I had to be prepared for the negative and in the deepest, darkest, secret part of myself, I've been telling myself I'm pregnant. This is not good! I will be devastated tomorrow so I had to stick a pin in that friggin imagination balloon..sure enough..negative. I cried for a second..just a second of frustration and pitty party-ness..feeling like everyone gets everything,.. I get nothing, ..I'm going home to eat worms like a big friggin baby. It's painful..real painful...I want to run from my life but there's really nowhere to go so.. I go to the RE tomorrow to confirm and do an US and then we start again. Though I write this, there's a disconnected part of me that doesn't fully believe it because I don't want to believe it..don't want to believe that I've gone through all this shit for nothing..both of my ass cheeks hurt still from these shots, I'm hormonal as hell, and have close to 10K worth of sperm on my AMEX card and yet nothing..nothing at all..can you imagine? And I only have 2 more tries on my insurance. If I pull it together I can probably scrape up enough for one round of IVF on my own but then I have not one drop of savings...scary when you are trying to have a child...to do it sans a penny of savings. I don't regret taking the test as I can now grieve slowly and in private. I'm pissed though and hurt but I have to learn to accept this...do my two more tries and then ..

"D" is coming to stay with me this weekend overnight so I have to prepare my spare room and do some cooking, cleaning, and shopping. I like when "D" stays though it's also somewhat taxing..and it always seems that "D" comes when I'm not emotionally equipped but the plan has been laid and so ..

shit.