Blah blah blah blah blah

Haven't written in a while. Sometimes I think I'm writing, thinking, saying the same shit over and over again. Having the Sunday night blahs again..hate Sunday night as it starts the worrying for Monday for me. I bought four vials of man juice last Friday as my guy finally had some available. It was kind of bizarre last Friday..I had a client come in, and I don't usually see clients anymore but shit happened so I'm seeing this chick and it was one of those situations where you feel like you know the person. So prior to me actually getting down to business with her we're chit chatting and she explained how she'd had lap band surgery recently and so far has lost 40 lbs. As I'm taking her information I see that she also had a child later in life and she explains how her weight contributed to her inability to conceive and finally after several years of marriage she got on clomid and got pregnant. I just thought there were a lot of parallels between the both of us. Of course she is married and I'm single but still...

Anyhow, I have been out of control with the food. I was initially gonna say feeling out of control but this is beyond a feeling..this is all out gung-ho food chaos. Been eating like I've got it like that and I don't know what it's going to take to reign me in. I just want this madness to stop and I'm not sure how to make that happen. Went to the second therapist the other day and boy, so not feeling it. It was another, I've got all the answers therapist. I don't need that shit. I've got some of the answers..I just need support. Made that mistake with my old therapist and she ran my life, became judgmental and I had to run from her into crazyville all by myself...a situation that made me feel even crazier. I want someone like Arlene..yeah she gives you support, gives you information, but lets you figure it out more or less. I'm not schizophrenic here just mildly depressed with a lovely case of PTSD. So I'm going to call the original chick back tomorrow and ask if she'll take me. I have one other non therapist issue with the original chick. Her chair is killing my knees and back. I don't know if I should ask for a hard chair. She is working out of her kids play room and has some sort of beach chairs she is using (yeah, totally high price operation) but the chairs are killing me.

So I've gotta go get my ass ready for work tomorrow. Am going to try to take a day off from work in early September just to chill out. Plus, my friend Kay is off that week and I really don't like going into work if she's not there...yes codependent..whateva!!

Goodbye Sanity

Well, I guess that headline isn't really accurate. It's really goodbye to my therapist. I had my last session on Thursday with her and I feel like I'm free floating out here. I explained to her my feelings like this; I know I don't need a weekly therapy session , but it feels like a good safety net to have one just in case. She reminds me I'm not the person who walked in there early last year, falling apart and I'm stronger than I think. I know I'm not who I was when I walked in there. I was at a point where I would literally and I mean literally, jump when I saw my own shadow..I was that freaked out, and believe me walking out of her building in the early evening there was more than one occasion where I saw my shadow and gasped. Someone would walk behind me and I'd jump. I was scared. But I'm not there anymore. Am I stronger than I think? Well, I think I made that mistake before; overestimating my strength both physically and mentally. I used to think I was a rock, a boulder really and I found out real quick that I'm just an ordinary stone, easily kicked, so I've gained weight, made myself even bigger, put the shield up even higher and still sometimes it seems it's not enough..actually the weight thing is not even what it once was. I used to be heavy and felt shielded now I am acutely aware that I am less nimble and more vulnerable with this weight at this age. I walked into work Friday after Thursday's debacle and Thursday night's goodbye to the shrink lady, shaken and beaten. I literally walked in holding back tears, went straight to my corner office, shut the door and tried to breathe. I sat there thinking about what my therapist (Arlene) said to me. That this was abuse, what the staff did to me, I knew this. I am only too aware of the signs of domestic violence (work experience not personal thank God) and though this isn't d.v. this is definitely abuse..verbal and emotional, though I am at somewhat of a loss as to how to stop it. If I trusted the head honcho, I would talk to her but I can't, I don't trust her at all to help me and I am pretty sure it would backfire on me in some way. Just talking about all of this leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut. The chick who went off on me on Thursday, ignored me on Friday, and I don't know if this is due to her being embarassed by her behavior or feeling anger still. I wish I had recorded her rant as it was so out there. Who the heck tells their boss, "I will reprimand you!" or "I'll do what I want when you're not here"...crazy shit. Shook my ass up and I don't need this stress. This coming month, I'm trying again for a baby and I certainly can't deal with this shit trying for my baby. Gotta find my inner peace.

On that note, I called up the cryobank regading my donor who is all out of juice. They told me he had indeed come in for blood work and new vials would be available this upcoming Friday. This dude sold out in one day last time so I have to hustle. His I.D. number only shows up on one tiny little post on the CCB (calif cryo bank) bulletin board as it seems like only a small handful of people had a chance. He seems too good to be true but I'm going for it. I find it interesting that my sisters haven't asked me for a description of what he looks like. I find it interesting that the topic has become a nontopic..I broke the news and flash! reaction! and then nothing. I can't let this permeate my thoughts though, as I don't want any more negativity than what already exists in my life to interfere with my emotions...not when I need to be at my emotional best. Speaking of, I saw a new therapist on Wednesday, one recommended to me by my therapist. Older woman, lesbian, her and her partner adopted 2 kids from foreign county. She seems okay but a little too..I don't know..loud? She kept saying how good she was at what she does, and listen, I'm only too aware of how often a therapist is in need of therapy so my antenna went straight up. There was one thing she did that gave me a little hope that maybe she is okay...she actually asked for details of what happened to me as a child (I had never shared this before) and when I concluded with all the other stuff in my life she said, "holy shit, really Gem, that too. You've been through hell". Made me feel better as sometimes I think I'm just a wimp maybe or something..a whiner..so when someone acknowledges that it's a lot it makes me feel more sane. I'm seeing a different one this week and am doing this kind of thing..interviewing therapist and dropping the ones I think are too nutsy for me. I'm not saying I'm not gonna see this one again..I'm just seeing what's out there...interviewing, if you will.

So, I move onward into the week. Today, I clean my condo, dye my hair and take a brief ride into the city and then the week from hell begins. I spoke to my Godmother the other day who is a doll and always the giver of sound advice and observations (and extremely religious) who said, Gem, you work in purgatory..give up your sufferings to God in the morning, it'll earn you credits in heaven when you die. If this is purgatory, it must be the basement level cause I swear I can feel the flames of hell at my feet. I'm lucky to be working, blessed to be making what I make, but it's not easy and I guess it's not supposed to be. But still I'm luckier than most. Have to remind myself of that.

P.S. I can't seem to leave a comment for anybody's comments but someone asked if my subordinates were younger...you would think right? No, all older than me. Some old enough to be my mother. One of them, age 60 actually said to me that I am like the old lady who lived in the shoe with too many children and they were all vying for my attention..yes she said it with a straight face.

Bitches

I have so had enough with these chicks at work. This week I have had two subordinates tell me off, making accusations against me and all kinds of shit. Of course after they upset me and leave me shaking they apologize.. what the fuck is wrong with these bitches!!! What is wrong with these people? I don't know. I came home early today thank God and was just waiting to get inside to friggin cry. I get so mad at myself as I wish I could do a better job of telling them off. I go back at them I do but not enough to really make me feel satisfied as I can't. I've decided I'm going to start documenting this shit. If it accumulates I'm going to write them up even if my supervisor isn't supportive..I can't take it any more. So sick of them. Just have had enough.

Sensitive?

So I went to work today and it was better than yesterday. I think this was due in part to having discussed what was going on with my therapist, who by the way, I only have one session left with and it's over. Today I called some new chick to try to set something up but no phone call yet..hope she calls as I don't really want to spend too much time without one. I know it sounds really codependant and maybe I am, but I feel too fragile at this time in my life and feel like I need the support..whatever..sometimes I think I'm crazy but the shrink tells me I'm sane so...that sentence I think says way too much. Anyhow, I hope she calls me and I hope she's not a loon. Did I tell you about the therapist who spoke in the fake baby voice? No? Well,needless to say I got out of that quick but not unscathed as she freaked me out.. holy shit anyone can get their license. I have mine btw, my license to practice therapy..but I don't practice. I figure I do enough emotional damage to myself, why subject others to my madness. At one point, after the art, that was my dream, to do therapy, and I worked for a long time with the mentally ill, for years and years, and loved it. But I think everyone needs to realize their limitations, and for me, I was beyond burned out...and now, I'm not emotionally strong enough to take on a caseload of people depending on me. I've got just enough strength for me, my baby, and those friends and family who need me, and there'll be none left over after my baby as I'm going to give that baby everything I got in me. All the love and support a child could want or need...not spoiled but I want her to really feel like I've got her back..not wonder if I'm there..know I am..that's my plan so being a therapist is out for me, though there was a time I loved that...loved doing sessions with people who were run of the mill like me, or with the severely mentally ill..very fulfilling and humbling so much so I can't even describe how great it was....but I digress...

I was feeling upset tonight (what else is new) over a comment someone made on facebook. A friend of mine asked if anyone new if the planet of the apes movie was any good and someone replied "the Obama documentary"? The guy who asked about the movie is a good person so I didn't want to start shit with his friend so I replied "wow :(" and thankfully my friend removed the post. I felt bad but I couldn't just ignore it so that was my gentlest way of showing disapproval. It never ceases to amaze me that people actually have the balls to write shit like that. I mean, what kind of fucking idiot writes that? You gotta be a real asshole and then I think Gem, you're being overly sensitive. And I know I'm extremely sensitive to things..not only emotional things for me, but for others as well. My therapist calls it hyper-sensitive..that's what I am...not only am I hurt easily, I will get just as upset if someone else gets hurt, or there is a possibility that someone else got hurt, and for whatever reason I am very in tune to other's emotions..to a point where it's not good for me...at times believe it or not, I feel it physically..it's a physical pain though I'll leave it at that as an explanation. So I was pissed when I read that comment and was going to write a nasty comment regarding the State this dude lives in because most people in the Northeast would never think of saying that kind of shit outloud..they may think it, but say it? Unless you want your ass in a sling..no. That my friends is an example of how everyone is prejudice...he makes a racist statement and I come back with a prejudice one? not good...and though I didn't make a comment about his State..I thought it!..alas, I am far from perfect and this I know for sure. It's been a hard week so I have to keep this in mind and try to keep things in perspective. I also think adding to the sensitivity this month is the fact that I didn't get pregnant and am not able to try this month and couple this with the loss of my therapist and teh b.s. at work and presto change-o you got a super sensitive Gem.

Anyhow, tomorrow I take Tess back to the vet to see how she is. She seems better though not 100%. Love that dog.

Work

I promised myself a while back that I would stop obsessing about work. I pulled away from all of the staff and tried to stay in the background, thinking maybe this is what they want. Today I found out that one of the staff called me a "nightmare". This from a person who used to be my friend and who I've been nothing but kind to through all of the difficult times she has had these past few years going through a divorce and the diagnosis of mental illness for her son. This really hurt me...really hurts me still. I know I shouldn't give them the time of day, let them rent space in my head for free, but I can't seem to let it go. I want to cry but realize it's not worth it. There are so many people that hate me at work for various reasons that I have to examine my own behavior to see where my part in all of this is. I realize I have control issues but other than requiring for people to accurately document the time they're working, I've let the rest of the things go, let everyone do their own thing...I'm so angry at all of this. These bitches...just pissed that this is where I've ended up in my life. I have to be grateful for the job but really wish I'd had the balls to study something big.. Anyway, this isn't suppose to be a place for me to vent but there it is.. I just needed to get it off my chest. Hate my coworkers...not all of them but quite a few...

comments

Just real brief...for whatever reason, I can't post comments but thank you all for all the support and encouragement and though I've tried to reciprocate in kind, blogger won't let me. I think of all of you and your experiences, all of you brave people. May God bless as you continue on this journey we're all on.

Funk

I'm feeling a little down at the thought of not trying this month but realistically, buying anything right now would be downright ridiculous. I have a little in savings, maybe 7k which really isn't much and my goal is to have a nice hefty reserve in there for maternity leave as I will probably have to fund at least 2 months of leave completely out of pocket and I don't want to start this journey off already in a state of financial struggle, well, more financial struggle than it will be. I've estimated I would need about 1k a month for child care at least and will have to live very frugally for several years. That's fine but I can't start off owing thousands of dollars. Like I said, I wanted to cap off my spending at 5k so I have to bring this vet bill down a bit before I try again. Shit!! Thank God I was able to make a little extra this month at work. But still, I'm disappointed. Will have to live with that disappointment I suppose. It just seems like a month is a long time to wait now and I just want to start this journey already....the more I wait the more the fear that it will never happen penetrates my thoughts.

Oh,I never mentioned I told my mother yesterday I was trying. She shakes her head in disapproval, and says, "well that's your problem"...LOL!!! that is so my mother it's laughable. I guess that's why I never mentioned it..it was a typical shrug off from her. When I had cancer and broke the news to her, she had been watching television. I told her and she just raised her eyebrows and went back to watching. She's a good one for ignoring crap she doesn't want to hear, think about, or doesn't affect her. I don't take it as an "I don't care", I take it as an "I can't deal"..you have to think of it this way or drive yourself crazy. She's my mother and I love her but she really doesn't make it easy.

So everyone that needed to know now knows. I haven't told my father because I don't talk to him about such things. I think he'll be thrilled though but will tell him when it actually happens.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Tomorrow my Tess comes home if all goes well. I'm feeling so alone without her and never thought I'd feel so lost. Hope she's okay. The vet called me this morning and said they still aren't sure what is wrong but think it may be a blockage in her intestine and they're waiting for her to pass something. I'm worried as my work week is a bit hectic and Tuesday in particular is going to be hard. I don't want to leave her alone. I have the OA meeting but the Canadians will not be there so I have to go it alone. I'm thinking of sneaking Tess in with me. The meeting is in a hospital though so...not sure how that will go. I guess we'll see.

August

On the cryobank bulletin board someone mentioned something about August being their lucky month..I don't think I'm even going to try this month. For financial reasons and because I think it's just going to be too much for me emotionally. I'm tired starting on my way in already and we haven't done any procedures so... I hate to lose a month but I don't really see much choice here. I'm feeling lost tonight without my Tess..feeling scared really to be here all alone. I wish she was home and I'm not sure she'll even be back tomorrow. I can't call out Monday as I have a serious mandated training for which people are coming down from Albany to conduct though if Willa is really bad..fuck it, I won't go and face the consequence but it won't be good.
My Tess is such a darling. I'm going to try and post a pic of what a cutie pie she is not to mention a sweetheart. Anyhow, I miss her. If I could spend all day with her I would. I think it really was fate that brought us together at a time when I so needed someone...

Tomorrow I had planned to go to a different OA meeting than usual. It would be with Canadians I've never met before. I'm tired and the circumstances of this weekend have definitely changed but then again, I don't want to keep making excuses that halt my progress towards change. Though my goal right now has shifted from weight loss to pregnancy, my desire to be rid of this crazy food addiction continues though I don't know how I'll manage it. The Canadians say I need a sponsor and I know that to be the truth. I drag my feet in all honesty, because I don't want to face the work that lies ahead...it's going to take a lot as this problem has existed for a long time for me. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Tess

So Tessa had been vomitting Thursday night into Friday morning and after work yesterday appeared okay. Last night she started again and I was so freaked out at the thought of something happening to her I called the emergency vet who told me I could come in if I was worried..left there at 5a.m. with instructions to follow up with my vet this morning. So at 8 a.m. I call my vet and run over there half freaked and half asleep. Long story short Tess is in the hospital. Spent the majority of the morning crying with worry over her..my precious baby girl who keeps me company and gives me comfort whenever things aren't good. Vet called a little bit ago that they'll keep her overnight but looks like things are okay...whew..relief. The downside to her being sick aside from her being sick, and don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my Tess is so far the vet bill is at $2700. Yup, $2700...shit. Not sure if I should even consider buying vials this month. Something to think about. I'm scared to get myself so far in hock that I won't be able to climb out of it. My plan had been to buy a few more vials on my amex, with the goal of not going over 5K in total and then transferring thing to a new credit card that would give me a 0% apr for transfers... This changes things a little as it's half my budget more than what I anticipated going into debt. Not sure what to do.

Unwelcome visitor

So last night the infamous Aunt Frannie came to visit. A disappointment to say the least. It scared me a bit especially after I had just heard about my coworker's story of infertility. She is currently fostering a beautiful little boy but I don't want to go that route...nobody does, I know. Anyhow, I'm debating what to do this month. My first choice of donor doesn't have any more vials until September and my second choice only has premium iui samples which is a hefty $200 dollars more...it would in essence translate to about $1600 for this month..and though I am okay financially..I'm not that okay, that I can easily just absorb that. I wonder how far in debt this whole thing is going to leave me and as a potential single parent, that scares me, especially in such a difficult financial time. Then I think..if you don't go all the way to try on this, you'll regret it forever so.... Monday I go back to the RE to most likely start the process again. This is a very physically and emotionally exhausting experience.. more than I could have imagined. I so wish my hands were in better shape as I have so much I'd like to say but I typed more than usual at work and my hands have had enough. Will continue to pray and dream....