Funk

I'm feeling a little down at the thought of not trying this month but realistically, buying anything right now would be downright ridiculous. I have a little in savings, maybe 7k which really isn't much and my goal is to have a nice hefty reserve in there for maternity leave as I will probably have to fund at least 2 months of leave completely out of pocket and I don't want to start this journey off already in a state of financial struggle, well, more financial struggle than it will be. I've estimated I would need about 1k a month for child care at least and will have to live very frugally for several years. That's fine but I can't start off owing thousands of dollars. Like I said, I wanted to cap off my spending at 5k so I have to bring this vet bill down a bit before I try again. Shit!! Thank God I was able to make a little extra this month at work. But still, I'm disappointed. Will have to live with that disappointment I suppose. It just seems like a month is a long time to wait now and I just want to start this journey already....the more I wait the more the fear that it will never happen penetrates my thoughts.

Oh,I never mentioned I told my mother yesterday I was trying. She shakes her head in disapproval, and says, "well that's your problem"...LOL!!! that is so my mother it's laughable. I guess that's why I never mentioned it..it was a typical shrug off from her. When I had cancer and broke the news to her, she had been watching television. I told her and she just raised her eyebrows and went back to watching. She's a good one for ignoring crap she doesn't want to hear, think about, or doesn't affect her. I don't take it as an "I don't care", I take it as an "I can't deal"..you have to think of it this way or drive yourself crazy. She's my mother and I love her but she really doesn't make it easy.

So everyone that needed to know now knows. I haven't told my father because I don't talk to him about such things. I think he'll be thrilled though but will tell him when it actually happens.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Tomorrow my Tess comes home if all goes well. I'm feeling so alone without her and never thought I'd feel so lost. Hope she's okay. The vet called me this morning and said they still aren't sure what is wrong but think it may be a blockage in her intestine and they're waiting for her to pass something. I'm worried as my work week is a bit hectic and Tuesday in particular is going to be hard. I don't want to leave her alone. I have the OA meeting but the Canadians will not be there so I have to go it alone. I'm thinking of sneaking Tess in with me. The meeting is in a hospital though so...not sure how that will go. I guess we'll see.