So Life Goes On

I'm back at work and its the same shit different day though I certainly don't feel like the same person.

My relatives from my moms side are visiting and it's bittersweet as they're still grieving over my uncles death but the trip had been planned for a while , my aunt hasn't been to the U.S. in over 20 years and so the visit happened and I'm glad as I know we still have our lives to live so we're doing some fun things for my cousin who is here and young and her and I actually took a cake decorating class (that's her thing) and because I used to be a sculptor (not sure if I ever mentioned..) it wasn't such a stretch...it was fun...made me miss art so much though I now know cake decorating, the icing part, is not for me.... whatever... I digress.

Today I received a message from my friend Ollie about his wedding in November. I've known him since I was 15 or so and he knew my father well....My father actually invited him to live with him when Ollie was down and out.....I got one line from him when my dad died...not a call not a card and for every tragedy in his life I've flown out to help him. It bothers me and I'm not replying to his stupid wedding bullshit. I'm pissed. But that's it...life goes on and nobody seems to stop when it feels like your life has stopped...it's natural I suppose.

It's hard.

My fairy Godmother

I went to go visit with my fairy Godmother on Wednesday. She was completely unresponsive and had been so since the previous day when she'd been admitted by ambulance. I cried the whole time there...I've been strong but really how much can someone take. The nurse was eager to speak to me as she said they had no info as no family had stopped by. Heartbreaking. Two nuns had stopped by earlier and I explained that she'd been a nun for over 20 years. I gave them what information I knew and stayed for about 2 hours just talking to someone who appeared to be in a deep sleep. Thursday morning I called the hospital and they explained she'd finally awoken but could not speak though at times could not yes. I went to see her later that day and it was not good. Better than Wednesday but still a far cry from my usually feisty Godmother. I felt awful as I couldn't stop crying and she just stared at me but really, it was the straw that broke the camel's back...just way to much and even as I write this I can't help but feel a deep and guttural sorrow in my chest; feeling too much loss in such a short time.

It's been hard. My younger sib is having a very difficult time. They also had the awful experience of having a long time love who'd they recently broke up with find a new person and tell them it was serious. My sib is very close to a breakdown and I'm seriously worried.

At times it feels as if there's a curse over our family though there have been many blessings there seems to be just a bit too much heartache and troubles throughout our lives. I don't get it but have to think it's some kind of test from God or the fates or what have you.

Just trying to hang in.

I spoke to the girls who are trying. R just had a disappointment and J is going for a retrieval today. I'm hoping to get my application for the donor thing filled out sometime this coming month.

Sadness and heartache

On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.

Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...

Just Shut Up Already

My work involves a ton of talking with a ton of different people who are usually in crisis of some sort. We end up meeting about 15 people a day if not more, hearing the most intimate details of their lives, and that's not including people we speak to on the phone. There is a saturation point, at least for me and times where yes, I ignore my phone calls, texts, and emails; really it feels as if I don't want to hear or talk to one more person not about my shit or theirs...I wanna just tell people to leave me the fuck alone. Today is one of those days. Aside from feeling this way, I've mentioned before I have an illness that I don't talk about which is flaring up this week and just killing me so I'm especially grouchy. In comes my mother with dementia and my sib who is M.R. .....ugh! It's very frustrating my plan was to take the to go see my father. But of course my mother has to call saying she wants to tagalong which is just annoying as hell because it's time for us to spend with our father not for her to spend with her ex-husband but if you tell her this she'll flip the hell out.

On top of all this the handyman continues to call me regarding repairs he's working on, the other handyman isn't calling me because he's pissed I don't approve of his ridiculous ideas for repairs (dude! It's fa fucking rental...I'm not putting in top quality shit so the dirty chick who lives there can fuck it up) and I'm just exhausted...near tears exhausted...and my siblings are nowhere to be found!

Fuck I could cry...I could cry cause sometimes its just too hard...feels just too hard.

The one positive note was that after receiving a long lists of shit I needed to get done from the fertility clinic, it turns out I don't have to hunt for a GYN to do them and my regular GP was able to get them all done today...the highlight of my day...the one easy thing I got this week.

So that's that people, a bitch session and I feel a little better. Thanks

Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Scars

Maybe it's a moment of clarity when the crazy goes away and you can see through all the clouds and smog that have been choking you for too long. I caught just a glimpse in my memory of who I was and how I was when this whole thing started; when the baby making started. I had walked into this with no weapons, no armor, and in my naiveté was almost slaughtered, or so it seems emotionally to me. Like with any storm or in any battle there are scars and these past two years are no different; I'm standing here a different woman in too many ways. I have to remind myself not to let myself be taken, taken by the emotional pain. At the end of all of this there has to be something left of me; something  left to either raise a child or pick up the pieces of myself emotionally.......or both.

feeling shitty a/k/a Sunday

I totally lost it today at my mom's ..not screaming kind of lost it but bailed on everyone kind of lost it.   I couldn't take being with them any more and it's like I explained to my older sib when they asked me why I was suddenly pissed, I just felt like I was being held hostage. We had gone out to dinner for my mother's birthday which was fine but long and afterwards my sib says we're going to the supermarket to buy shit for my father. I didn't want to go but it was either go with them or drive the car home and pick them up and then, after spending what seemed like an eternity at the supermarket walking on eggshells because younger sib was grouchy,  we had to stop somewhere else and then go to my dads.... My sibling and my mother ended up staying at my fathers house. This normally would not be a problem however we still have not celebrated my mother's birthday meaning opening gifts and cutting a cake. It was already 7 o'clock. I go to my mothers house and I'm trying to sort through the huge mess of shit that we have left to do and finally I just lost my cool. It felt like I was never going to get out of there. Of course there was more to it than that but the gist..
It's my fault really because I find myself stressed over the amount of times spend with my family but I have choices. And really, if we delve a little deeper I'm harboring resentments against my two sibs to begin with and though I try to just ignore that piece of it all it's not easy. I need to do more to limit my time with them but then I feel like I spend too much time alone as it is....shit.
I hate when shit like this happens; when I feel like I can't take them any more, I act out, feel guilty, beat myself up, feel confused....ugh...it's too much.

On Hold

Just a quick update as I haven't written since my last meltdown. I've done nothing to work towards pregnancy. Haven't called Ms. Autumn to get the donor egg going. I've had too much with my dad, his business and work and am waiting for a bit of a lull where I can catch my breath just a little. Aside from that I guess I'm just waiting for myself to settle down emotionally.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.

It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.

Hypersensitive?

I understand when my siblings don't want to talk to me about my trying to have a baby. At least I try to understand. I don't understand why they have to bring each time another person gets pregnant. I just got an email from one of my fucking asshole siblings announcing someone else's pregnancy??!! Sometimes I think my whole fucking family has to be out of their minds because who would do that to somebody? Even somebody you hate you don't do that to.

Curve Balls

I had my follow up consult with the doctor on Monday. I fully expected for her to either tell me to do donor egg or give up altogether. She told me money being no object I should do at least another 2 rounds of ivf seeing as I'm "such a good responder"....What!!??...She said Gem, there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant...she can't predict. She said the embryos looked good and my lining was "beautiful".... Heard this phrase before from Dr. B. I told her I'd been expecting to go straight to donor and I was torn and that money is an object as I'm single and not rich though I would wish of course to be a millionaire. Ha ha..joke when nervous. Now this chick is one of the top fertility specialists in the country as well as a top cancer specialist. She was actually recently on the Katie Couric show and this is what she said: "You see all of this? All of this around me (she gestures at all of her awards and there are many).....my job ...everything I worked for? This is nothing compared to my children. Nothing at all. The best thing I've ever done in my life, the greatest thing is my children. You have to keep trying if you really want them. It's something you'll never regret". I tell her how I feel that I will regret it if I don't keep trying. I tell her I think I've made up my mind to go with donor eggs. She says that that's a rational decision and that the statistics are much higher. We talk a bit more and we end the meeting. It lasted all of 10 minutes. As I'm walking to the elevator I realize that now I haven't made up my mind. Now I'm not sure that I want to go with donor eggs. Now what the fuck do I do? I think it would've been easier she just told me to go with the donor, I wouldn't  have so many questions in my mind. Now I'm just confused. If it wasn't that it would cost me so much money to try my own eggs and then donor eggs if that doesn't work out I'd be more willing to just risk it but altogether if I do two more cycles of the IVF and it doesn't work and I decide to go with donor eggs I would end up spending more than $40,000.... money that I don't have. It would mean I would have to take out mega loans, borrow against my pension, against my retirement account,  tap myself out completely financially in terms of savings, and be completely freaked out by it all. I have a significant mortgage as well as a significant amount in student loans, and I also pay a large common charge for my condo complex. If it wasn't for all those factors and I just rented a place I didn't have the student loans perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. By the same token, I know that I make decent money and that my job is relatively secure. What do I do? I don't know. I really don't. J tells me do one more, R doesn't say either way but she's married and I get the impression she's okay financially, Kay doesn't say either way either, Jo-Ann says Gem just do it. I'm torn.

I want to go with donor because I'm tired, tired of all the physical shit ivf puts you through and I believe I mentioned the illness I have that I don't talk about...it makes it worse and it hurts. I know though that there will be a part of me angry that I wasn't resilient enough....tough enough to hang in though the rational part of me says, "it's been 3 IUI's and 4 ivf how much more shit can you take"? On top of this my meds from after cancer were changed and I'm having heart palpitations....not a good time to decide but I'm not getting any younger. Fuck and ugh..

Another one down

R got her results yesterday....negative. Not sure if I mentioned that one of her frozen embryo had died the day of transfer and so they had to take her last one for transfer. She's got none left that means.

Monday I go in to see the doctor for the consult.....they had initially told me it would be a phone conference but they called to say they wanted to see me in person. If I'm repeating myself, my apologies, I'm all over the place really.

I'm as usual scared to see what the doctor is going to say. I guess my fear is that she's going to say I'm  too heavy, or she doesn't want to work with me, or she feels like it's impossible for me to actually get pregnant. J mentioned to me this week also feeling like she is fighting a losing battle and feeling like she wants to give up. She also said she doesn't think she wants to try donor eggs and mentioned going straight to adoption. I can't imagine ever just giving up on myself that easily....Its hard not to judge when you've gone though 2 years of torture....She's only gone through two cycles and her insurance covers six more cycles..... I just feel like that's a cop-out.. but what do I know and who the fuck am I to judge....(going to hell I tell you). Maybe she's on the fence about getting pregnant, or even scared, and I understand that; she is single like me and I can't tell you how hard it is to go through this alone so I really need to just shut up already. There have been so many times where I question if I really want to do this or not. Even though there's a part of me that can't imagine my life without children, there's another part of me that is so fearful of doing this. You think about what if something were to happen to you and the child ends up with no parents? I think about how little family I really have around me and how none of my siblings have children and how in turn, that would affect my child's future. Perhaps I'm overthinking everything but I'm a planner by nature and I never want my child to feel all alone in the world. Do I have control issues or what? I guess I can't plan everything in life and that should've been obvious to me by now.....a hard lessons to learn for me it would seem.

Well onward....We will see what the doctor says on Monday and really just how I feel about whatever she has to say. I have no doubt that I will use, or try to use, donor eggs. No matter the cost I feel I have to at least give myself that one opportunity though it does scare me financially and otherwise.

Relief

Did you ever get to one of those points in your life where you just can't find a way to make yourself feel normal again; like you're crawling out of your skin and you don't know what to do to temper that feeling? I'm in between wanting to smoke, wanting to drink, wanting to drug myself just a little, and wanting to just slip into some sort of peaceful coma...just for a little while..just to rest my brain and my heart for a little bit. None of those things would help me...maybe combining a few of them but that could also kill me and I don't want to die but I do want to rest; just to be able to get rid of this ache in my chest from too much of everything in life. It's really just too much sometimes..too much for one person really. I wonder if it's different if you're going through life with someone else...a partner sharing your grief..I don't know. I imagine it has to be in some ways.

I had a phone call today from my Godmother's neighbor Javier. He and his wife babysat for my Tess one day as they have a tiny dog too. They are also having fertility problems. His wife can get pregnant but she miscarries. She actually got to 6 months along one time and miscarried in her bathroom, the babies little feet dangling from between her legs. Torturous. We have from time to time touched base though the wife is super shy, super sweet but super shy. He's older and I'm guessing has a drinking problem...he has a drinking problem. Anyhow he called me out of the blue to ask me how the fertility shit is going so we talked for a bit. It was good to talk to someone about it who wasn't directly going through it but knew the struggle. I at times wish I could really just freely talk to someone about what it is I feel...not just the process but the actual emotions going through my soul and body. It's not good. It's really not good. My edges seem to be fraying this time around. The clinic told me to call the doctor's assistant to set up a phone consult but I haven't done it yet. I'm building up the...what?..courage? I'm not sure what I'm building up but maybe it's just getting my bearings. Just putting this all together..my brain together.

I'm having trouble at work...getting the work done. My job requires thinking. Lots of fucking thinking. Thinking, planning, strategizing. None of these things are really my forte...I'm more of a talking kind of person...more social service type shit. Anyhow, I'm struggling. Struggling not to just say to people, leave me the fuck alone! My brain is shit! But of course I can't say that. I have to go through the shit..the meetings, the bullshit, the staff crap, and of course my asshole director who is the type of person who asks you a question but already has the answer she wants...you know...the type of person who thinks her brain cells are the best...good..fuck it..fuck you lady...don't ask me and make me think just to tell me that's not the answer..answer your own fucking question...just tell me where I'm going and what to say.

I'm drowning really. My father is really to shit. Really to shit. I saw him last night and I could have cried with how fucked up he is. Just a shell of what he once was.

On top of that I finally looked at all my credit card statements, savings and all that shit and it's not good. I have about 10K in credit cards, and not as much as I thought in savings. I get my tax money back and I'm hoping that's at least 4k and that's it. It's exasperating to think about paying the $20+K for the donor egg thing though at least with this idea, the donor egg idea, I've made peace. I've done all I can, all within my power to do my own eggs...it's just not happening. So for now I'm on a strict no spend budget and we'll see what happens. I figure I'm going to borrow the $10k from my pension plan (which they make you pay back in 5 years), 5K from savings, and I'll either borrow the rest from my other retirement account (I set this up separately) or put it on my credit card. That's that. I'll be fucked for 5 years as that's how long I have to go to pay back my master's degree as well and then it'll be a little relief.

I hadn't written because in truth I didn't want to speak. I think I stayed silent for two solid days...what's to say really except that it felt like it feels for everybody else; like my heart was literally breaking apart in two; a feeling I expected and was preparing myself for. It hurt any ol' way. How do you prepare yourself for agony? I don't know. I did my best and lived to tell the tale so I guess that's success. J from the 3 girls I met at the clinic was super cool about it and supportive, R tried to be but she's younger. She had her transfer yesterday. I believe I mentioned she produced 2 good blasts that she planned on transferrring individually as she wanted to avoid twins. One of them unfortunately didn't survive the thaw and they had to ask her if it was okay to defrost the other...so it's inside and she's waiting to see what happens. I hope it takes for her sake. The pain is too much really...too much for even the biggest asshole in the world to deserve and she really is a nice girl.

Anyhow, that's it for me. Had to put this all out there so it didn't swallow me whole...so I could breathe just a little. Thank you.

1 positive....but none for you

We finally got a positive from one of the girls in the group....the oldest one of us...wouldn't you know....On her first try. She produced one egg in total...count them....one. They say you just need one good one. The email hit me like a ton of bricks...literally made me gasp. I did what I promised I wouldn't..ran to the bathroom to test.....Negative....big fat bupkis for me. I'm okay...A little bit of pain in my stomach...like the kind you get when you find out the boy you love is marrying somebody else but not as intense...the same though...hits you in the same spot.

I don't want to cry at this clinic tomorrow. It's not the homey caring place like my old clinic where everyone is rooting for you. This is very upper east side...designer handbag...nobody knows your name kind of place. Can't lose it there. I feel like tears are right there but really I've done all this shit before; this mass of emotions. What's the point really?

Right before all this at about 10:30pm my dads aide called...he won't settle down. I talk to him and he's all kinds of confused...."come get me" I hear him yell. I talk to him...calm him for a sec...it doesn't last but a few seconds.

Sometimes I wonder what this life is all about.

1st (technically) HPT

I took a home pregnancy test this morning. I just couldn't wait all day to find out....It was negative..*sigh*. Today is day 6 post 5 day embryo transfer (a/k/a: 6p5det). Kay tells me it's still early and maybe it is but I just can't help but think negatively...I think it's negative for real. A part of me is having a hard time believing that and the other part of me accepts it. I cried for a minute this morning...unexpectedly cried while getting ready for work...just a little for myself. I feel so tired...just so tired of all this crazy running around just to get from point A to point B. Nothing, nothing in my life has been easy really and maybe that's true for everyone. It's just me and Tess here...just me and Tess for too long. I'd love to meet someone, love to lose some of this poundage, love to have a baby...all these things that seem to just eventually trickle into people's life with minimal effort...or so it seems. Doesn't really matter. It really doesn't in the grand scheme of things. I would just like something, someone to share my life with ...to make it worth the struggle. Maybe that's too friggin much. It's weird how little grief I feel really. I'm sad but more than that I feel tired...beat down and tired.

I came home to Tess happy and wagging her tail with her ass in the air like she does...she's so funny...she really is just a precious little thing and I'm grateful for her because she makes me happy. I'm grateful.

Maybe this is it....maybe this is it for me. I'm not sure. I thought to myself this morning...even if there was money left on my insurance..and there isn't a dime left...I don't think I could do it again...it's too much...not just the running around...the shots...those mother effin shots...too many and the progesterone with the huge needle in the ass is beyond too much every day....I must have given myself hundreds of injections and still nothing. Crazy. I must be crazy.

Impatiently Waiting

I'm just waiting to be able to find out if this worked or not and though I know the odds are not in my favor there is always that annoying bit of hope waving it's hands in the back of your head, psyching you up for a let down. I have to prepare myself for this not working or maybe I don't. I don't know. R, one of the girls I met at the clinic is so positive this is going to work even though she's done several IVF's and IUI's before. I wish I could just abandon myself to hope like that but I'm a chicken shit. I've been waiting for the inplantation bleeding and it never came though I thought I saw an imaginary smudge of something last night. It just feels like my period is coming and rightfully so as it would have been calculated to come tomorrow. I so wish this would work which I know goes without saying. I can see how people do IVF over and over again. It's like sitting at the casino tables, losing but you keep throwing your money down thinking you'll maybe win one. That's really what it feels like except it seems to take forever for that roullette wheel to fucking finally stop and it's never on your number or even on your color..it's just a big fat loss.

I used to read a blog called Just Nesting. For whatever she privatized the thing so you can't read it any more...I had read her for years religiously. I don't know why but I just felt a connection. Actually my ceiling in my dining room is painted a color she suggested to me. Anyhow she was married and couldn't conceive...it wasn't the reason she started the blog as it had started way before that with another blog until she got married and did Just Nesting. Anyhow, I remember her wanting to do IVF and wishing her mom would help her pay for it. I think to myself now, little did she know it's not the magic bullet everyone thinks it is. I often wonder about her and if she ever got her baby. Heart breaking when you don't, really.

On the father front, they changed his meds and he seemed so much more alert yesterday. I think if they finally get his meds straight, his therapy straight, his eyes straight, he'll be able to pull all this shit together...not to the way he was of course but to a point where he might be able to function semi-normally. I was going to say to a point where he doesn't need 24 hour care but I don't know how true that would be.

Anyhow so that's that. I confess that I gave myself a home pregnancy test yesterday even though I know I'm not secreting any HCG or whatever it's called yet....I just had to get it out of my system and I used one from the dollar store...negative of course but it was 4 days after transfer. You hear that...that "but"...it's hope. Hope scares me. But there it is. When I used to work with addicts they used to say, "everything after 'but' is bullshit"...a double entendre there...but/butt. Yeah, classy I know.

P.S.: I'm adding this later as I just found her blog and am now following...psyched!

Under the Strain

No heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling, nothing where you need to exert yourself. That's what it says. Well how the fuck does one accomplish that really? Can you tell me? I don't know. I get home after what seems like the longest fucking day...I'm exhausted. I get a phone call from one of my dad's tenants that such and such has not been fixed. I think...fuck off lady..I don't really care as it's on order and there's not much I can do about it. Really. That's what I think even if it is fucked up. This is the tenant I had to tell off a month ago for calling me every day on a repair she very well knew was being taken care of. I actually asked her if she thought I had a fucking magic wand that I can make things just appear as the guy had been there to measure the night before for her repair and he had told her he would buy the part and install them that week...wtf really. So I go about my business and get another call from another tenant about another repair. This one a legit emergency that needs immediate attention. My repair guy is of course on vacation though I have a few back up people up my sleeve. I tell the dude I'll have someone there pronto. I call my guy he goes down there, calls me, I need a new water tank....$500 that I don't have. Okay I say. I'll drive down there in a bit and get you the money. He'll install it tomorrow. I go to my mom's and get some money. Go to my dad's where D is also visiting. I walk in to find my father half on and half off the floor...the aide trying to get D to help her. I go over but he has completely no strength...he's fucking falling. I tell him dad make an effort but he doesn't. My phone is ringing which I'm sure is the guy to fix the water tank. I tell D get the phone. D is too slow. D get the phone, get the phone. D answer the fucking phone already. I have my dad's knees braced against mine and he's reclining on the bed ass not supported by anything slipping. My father is screaming at D to help. Poor fucking D has the face of pain on. You can't yell at D...it traumatizes D. It's not good. I strain under the weight of my father and ask the aide why in the frick would you get him up....he wanted to. I tell her if he has no strength you don't get him up.  She tells me he screams if you don't and I tell her to let him scream....wtf. All I can think is there goes my babies. I fucking strained like a mother fucker and I'm tired. I'm just tired of it all. I say UNCLE universe...fucking Uncle...I give the fuck up.

D is beside themselves with upset and I give them a hug and say it's not you. I'm sorry that we yelled it's not you but it's too late and D is all fucked up too. We sit for a while in silence, everyone upset for one reason or another and D goes home which normally I would not allow D to go alone but I know D needs to go. I sit and wait for the water tank guy. I start to cry because really how much can one person take? The water tank guy comes and I ask him to help us put my father to bed and he says of course he will. I pay him and say goodbye. My father asks if I don't want to take care of him. The aide explains "she has to work in the morning". My father asks the aide if she'll take care of him. Yes, yes.

It's all fucked up and I go to my mom's to pick up Tess and she starts with her b.s. and I feel guilty because I can't take it even though she's been so helpful and I tell her I gotta go.

I get home.

Last but not least

I went in for the embryo transfer and the doctor..a new one yet again...told me I had 3 "very good" embryo all with the possibility of becoming a baby. I was thrilled...I was thrilled that even one of them made it. He said my primary doctor put in her notes we were to "proceed aggressively" which I took to mean put everything and the kitchen sink in so all 3 went in. Now I'm just praying one of them hangs in there. I spoke to the embryologist afterwards as I wanted to clarify if they had actually made it to blasto and the embryologist stated they had. I wish I had paid attention to the grading of each but really that part is a foreign language to me and I'll know soon enough what I've got or haven't got here. Just trying to stay emotionally neutral.

I'm exhausted as I had a meeting before my transfer appointment and another late night meeting way across the county tonight after the transfer so I ran around today like a fiend but I was surprisingly not my rushed rushed self. I took it slow and just said fuck it if I'm late to whatever. I took Tess over to my mom's after my appointment so she wouldn't be alone for too long, picked her up after the last meeting, came home to a phone call regarding plumbing issues at my dad's, took care of that, another call regarding father issues, will take care of that tomorrow and now it's time to hit the hay as it's an early day tomorrow.

All in all if nothing else I can say I've tried everything. I tried 3 IUI, 3 IVF at the old clinic and one at this creme de la creme clinic. It's all I could do to give my eggs a chance.

Heavy

Tonight we went out to the movies. Older sibling and I convinced D to go. D never wants to go for fear of people, of noise, of darkness. I don't know. Anyhow, we went to go see that movie Identity Thief...don't waste your money but it was fine time really. We left there and it was still early enough to go see my father. D had not drank any of their $5.50 drink and Older sib insisted they take it with them. We go to my dad's and he is cranky as shit. He screams at us to put him to bed though the aide explained she'd just put him in the chair. We put him to bed after he yells at us a second time. He's uncomfortable and wants to sit up. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit up. He wants to get up though we convince him to just sit. He wants to lay down. Yelling at us each time. He's hot, he's hot...fan him. We stand there with one of those hand held fans waving at him. After an hour of this I tell Older sib let's go. Older sib says he's not calm yet. He's nowhere nears calm. I tell her this is every night...we'll be there til morning as he doesn't get calm..it just continues...we go back and forth...we stay a bit longer and D is falling asleep on the chair not having had their meds yet, their shower yet. I again tell Older sib let's go. My father screams don't you leave me here like this. I ask him what he wants. I need to be more comfortable he says. I go help him straining with his weight that I'm not supposed to be lifting having just had my retrieval 2 days ago. He doesn't help. I say you have to make an effort to move or you're staying there...losing any patience I may have had. I haul him over and up and finally have him straight in the bed. I feel the pressure in my neck, my back, my already aching groins. Take the sheets and blankets off and ask are you more comfortable? Yes he says. Okay we're leaving. He yells not to leave him like this. He's hot and wants more fanning. I tell him Teresa will fan him. He yells no and I say we'll see you tomorrw, D says goodbye, I tell older sib say goodbye. Older sib is in the kitchen rummaging around. What are you looking for? Let's go. I'm looking for D's drink. Are you out of your mind I say...come on...who cares about the drink..let's go. Older sib says they'll walk, pissed off now. Get in the car I say, let's just go. We're in the middle of the hood dude. Older sib is sometimes off their rocker...wanted D to walk to my mom's for a fan. Alone down the street where I was almost mugged last week...can you imagine? Did I mention I was almost mugged? This is my life and my back is killing me and I"m thinking...what the fuck am I planning to bring someone into this hell for? What the fuck?

P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.

10

The nurse from the clinic called today and I have 10 embryo. We go in Tuesday to see what's left of them and how many if any go in. I almost cried I was so thrilled ...the most I've ever had though only 1 more than last time. Well, only time can tell what'll happen. I'm hoping and praying...just hoping and praying as that's all I got.

15

They were able to get 15 follicles out today. Though it's my lowest number I was okay with it. One of the nurses said it was a great number and said...this is better than having more as usually more eggs means many are not mature. A second nurse said the same thing at a different time today so maybe it's the truth. It was a beyond uncomfortable experience. This clinic is nothing if not efficient and there are times where you feel like you are on an assembly line...a very efficient fast moving assembly line. I didn't realize my doctor was not going to perform the procedure...they take turns according to day of the week. I never even met the doctor who did it as he came in while I was knocked out and left before I came to...like a thief in the night. They have you lay on a cot where you have to swing your legs over the stirrups...the stirrups are not for your feet but rather for you to swing your knees over and they hang from there...arms spread to the side. The anesthesiologist who was not nice is the person doing most of the talking...there are a bunch of other people in the room..maybe 5 or 6. My last place the doctor speaks to you and walks you in...it's just you the doctor anesthesiologist and the nurse...3 people...My last doctor also knew I didn't want my privates on display and kept them covered whereas here it was like come'on everybody here is The Vagina...mortifying. I make a joke for the anesthesiologist about feeling like Jesus on the cross..jokes being my specialty..and he actually laughed as I tried to hold back tears at the fucked up situation I was in and just hoped for a quick trip to unconsciousness...bless the frigging drugs. Woke up in a different room in sufficient pain and did my very best to fight to the top of lucidity so I can hightail it out of there. Ling was great and just waited out in the waiting room..thankfully they don't encourage visitors in the recovery area...very different from my old place...just wasn't in the mood.

We had something to eat after leaving the city, came home and knocked out on the couch..woke up several hours later. Was just tired. I have an amazing feeling of bloatedness...like gas except it's not really gas..you can't expel it and sorry if that's TMI but it is what it is...

Anyhow so I wait until tomorrow for a call to see if any of them fertilized.. I'm just hoping and praying and trying to stay chilled.

4th Retrieval

I go in for my retrieval tomorrow. It's my 4th and final IVF...the next anything, if there is anything, is donor eggs. My friend Ling is taking me which I really didn't want to have to go with her because she is not the emotionally healthiest person but I was hard up and it's the only one of my friends who doesn't work and that I'm tight enough to ask. You see what a bitch I am...yes, I am. Love Ling..but I have to guard myself around her as she tends to be one of those people that subtly puts you down.. Anyhow, she's taking me and I am grateful. I'm driving in as she doesn't really drive in NYC and she's supposed to drive back with me guiding her but if I'm well enough I'll drive. Kay couldn't do it as the thought of driving to NYC was too much for her..she's petrified which I don't really understand but whatever..I appreciate having people to ask when you can't ask your family.

Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.

Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.

So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.

One down

J wrote emailed me. She got her period. I go in tomorrow for another blood and ultrasound. Everyone keeps saying you have to be positive but I can't help but feel like this isn't going to work. I went onto Sart.com again to look at the stats. They finally have the 2011 stats and my old clinic did surprisingly well. Not as well as my new clinic but in some areas it was close which just reinforces for me the fact that it's not the clinic, the skills of the doctor, the experience, it's me and my ol' hard boiled rotten eggs. Well, there's nothing I can do about it at this point. The truth is I was hoping it wouldn't come to donor eggs but it appears it will unless a miracle happens.

I'm scared. Freaked really. I so want this to work but my brain doesn't allow me to think it will as I can't take the grief. The inevitable grief that will come either way I know.

Ugh.

This is your brain on drugs

I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.

Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.


Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.

My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.

Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.

Feeling a little of everything

Feeling cranky from all the meds and having muscle pain galore. I remember the muscle pain from last time though perhaps not as intense as it is now. The crankiness is almos humorous it's so absurd. I was walking from my mother's house to my father's. They live in one of the shittiest towns here in this county and as I'm walking in the dark..alone...someone comes up behind me and gets so close they actually touched me. Mind you I had my hood up as it was drizzling. I turned around quickly and fucking blew them a new asshole. I think he intentionally intended to scare me...no, truthfully he probably planned to try and steal from me but I blew his ass up. 10 years ago I probably could have physically defended myself somewhat but the truth is after the big C I don't have even a third of the physical strength I used to. So I cursed his ass out, actually came up behind him and asked him how he liked it. Yup, that cranky. I grew up in this neighborhood though I admit it wasn't quite as shitty as it is now but I'm only a bit nervous at night. The crankiness gave me super balls it appears. Crazy....crazy.

Anyhow, one of the other girls J, that I met during IVF orientation had her transfer yesterday. She's 42 and they transferred 2 though she wasn't hopeful as they didn't develop as far as she'd hoped.

I have to tell you that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I might have some hope that this will work even against all odds...this is a set up for disappointment and it scares the shit out of me. I'm still knocking around the dreaded idea of stopping after this. I could scream with the agony of this process. It's just so fucking crazy painful and so crazy what we do to ourselves mentally. I see these other girls; K, R, and J. All of us hoping against hope for a baby. I could cry with the desperation we are all feeling and I see mothers and father everywhere taking their children for fucking granted...they don't seem to realize how lucky they've been...how fucking blessed...they don't seem to realize. I see them yelling at them or tugging on them. Today I saw some guy with the little toddler trailing behind in the parking lot with all this traffic. The kid had to be all of 2...WTF dude..pay attention... but the phone or what have you was way more important...shit.

I went back and read some of my old posts to remember what the fuck had been happening. I had completely forgotten that 7 had fertilized last time but 5 were put in. 9 mature. Those are good numbers. Those are good fucking numbers..and I don't understand why they don't stay in. I want to hope. I really do. I wish I could let myself go like in the beginning and really fantasize about how awesome it would be. I can't. I can't do that to myself..can't open up myself to that hurt. I figure if I get pregnant I'll have plenty of time to do all that. Breaks my friggin heart this whole thing. My sibs are again not interested though I didn't tell them I'm trying it'd clear that I am but not a peep, not a question..fuck it. I have to just do this for me and my life. Me and my hopes and dreams. wow...life is painful sometimes..too often. I still believe it's good though. I really do. Crazy.

The Pressure

So I get a call Thursday after running around like a fiend...like a fiend I tell you. I had to get to the clinic by 7a.m. as I had an all day conference that I could not reschedule at 9...ugh. I get there...they can't find my chart..my fault as I didn't call the day before, can't find a vein because my scar tissue from cancer has made it so the phlebotomist jokes, "you have no blood"..I wish I say then maybe I could rest..ha ha. Then, I can't open the bathroom door in the exam room which makes it so I can't remove my friggin tampon (girl problems..ugh), doctor leaves and comes back late late later...I run run run back to the work site..make it just in time. Pick up Tess during lunch and drop her off at my mom's as she's been alone way too long...run back to work site. We get out early...I'm delirious with lack of sleep as of course the insomnia kicked into the 3 hours I had allotted myself so I run back home sleep for half hour then run to pick up D for D's doctor appointment...D is hearing voices terribly..poor thing..love D....We drive home happy with the doctor pick up stuff for my dad. I get to my mom's to drop D off...where is my phone? Oh no..lost it..don't care for a minute except older sib calls on mom's line that she needs to be picked up. D's doctor calls, she'll be there for another hour and guess what she found? Phone.  I take Tess to my dad's to drop off the food for him...stay with him for 1/2 hour..he's not good..I explain I can't stay as I lost my phone have to pick it up and pick sib up..Dad's unhappy...slumped in his wheelchair a sight nobody ever wants to see...worst nightmare sight you ever want to have of your parents. I go pick up phone, go home make myself a grilled cheese. In the middle of this chaos the clinic calls...my sperm is not there and they can't proceed until I have sperm there.. I'll order it today I promis..yeah, when the frick will I have the time..and who exactly am I picking. Run pick up the sib, get home after 10 conk out on the couch and awaken at 1:30a.m. to realize I took none of my fertility drugs....take them half delirious. Ever try to measure out needles of shit half asleep?...meds I'd never taken before?...yikes.

Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.

I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.

+1

I open my facebook page to a picture of a baby. Yes, another person my age just had a baby...naturally...with a husband. Mattie at work insists that if I just afforded myself a good romp it would happen. Whatever..not my style no matter what. I have to draw the line somewhere and I know no one that I'd like to romp with...sad but true. This really shouldn't be so hard.

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry at the absurdity of it all...really. Think I'll just go to bed.

Getting poked

My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.

I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.

I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.

Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.

I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.

Anyhow, that's what's up for now...

Food and Friends

My friend Jo-ann from work asked me to take her kid home after work as she had something going on in court (personal). I agreed. Her kid is an absolute doll...one of the sweetest children I've met in a long time.. I get to my apartment and soon after Jo-ann is done and she comes to pick the kid up...her voice is weird and she explains she has a cold but can't take anything just in case. Just in case what? She says, "you know". Shit. I think she is already but if she is she won't admit to it. Jeez.

Later I find myself unable to stop eating. Is it related? Maybe. Maybe a little. But the truth is I haven't been watching my food intake or rather I've been out of control with my food intake. I can't seem to stop myself and I'm not sure what to do. Each day I resolve not to stuff my face. Even as I'm stuffing my face I'm trying not to stuff my face...I stuff my face. It's not good. I feel terrible carrying around all this extra weight. I don't feel good about myself as a person but more importantly as a woman. It just seems hopeless. My therapist is not knowledgeable about any type of eating disorders..which I'm sorry is a little weird. She asked me what OA was...come on man, really and when I bring up the food she tells me to try low carb diet such and such..man it's not the diet..they all work if you can stick to it. It's the stick to it part..that's my problem here.

Anyhow, enough of my lip.

No 3 day?!!?

I went to see the shrink today at the new RE clinic that I'm using. In case anybody was wondering, I'm using the NYU Langone Center or whatever it's called in NYC...it's supposed to be excellent. Anyhow, they make you see a shrink if you're using anything donor. The doctor was top notch and I say this with some experience as in my previous life, before I did what I do now, mental health was my area of expertise or at least I knew a hell of a lot more than the average joe about it and well..I digress as usual...She was Aces. She actually gave a very good way of explaining to a child how they came about...the long and the short..you explain about how an ovum and a sperm when joined produce an embryo which grows in a womb...she went on to explain how you introduce the topic that sometimes there's a father, sometimes people do it by fucking, basically you explain that although sometimes it a man and a woman it doesn't necessarily have to be. She said if you say the whole thing omitting that concept of normally it's a mommy and a daddy kids tend to just think of this and accept...if you bring up they don't have a daddy this becomes the focus...she of course was much more eloquent and pc but you get the drift. Anyhow it was a great way of explaining it and if I wasn't so exhausted I'd explain it a little better but ..friggin tired. The one thing that shocked me was that she informed me that they don't do 3 day transfers...they used to..but they don't anymore. I thought I'd faint. She explained that they are top notch and are not going to waste the time or money on things that don't happen and if the embryo can't make it to 5 day, what "they" discovered was that they wouldn't have survived any ol' way...that's what "the data" shows..that those embryo that wouldn't make it to 5 never would have become a child any way. WHAT!!!?? My last 3 IVF were 3 day. It made me feel like #1 my last clinic was retarded and #2 I don't have a friggin snow balls chance in hell. I expressed feeling that this was never going to happen. She said, if Dr. Noyes didn't think it would happen she wouldn't have put you through this. She also said with donor eggs, if it comes to that, they only like to put 1 back in, 2 max but really only 1. I said, I'll put in 2. I only have one friggin shot and I don't feel that positive about it at all..I'm getting 2 you freaks. I've gone through 2 1/2 years of poking my ass by myself, commuting to E. Jabib to friggin get this shit and tolerated all the bullshit at work just to have "the Mercedes Benz" of insurance as the last clinic called it and the money to support a child, I'm getting 2. Did I tell you I don't think this shit will work?

In my head, this is what I picture: A big ass cavernous womb and instead of the sticky gooey shit that my last doctor said was perfect for implantation, I have what sneakily looks like the right goop but it's actually a grease pit, developed from all those years of eating crap, that makes the friggin embryo just slide right out from inside and back out into my always pantyliner..yup, that's what I think. So put 2 in mo-fo's so at least when they both slide their asses out they won't be lonely.

I saw my father today. I'm not that thrilled with the night staff lady. She is a doll mind you, and very respectful, sweet and kind however, I always come in when she's in the middle of her own personal shit. She is the only worker who actually lives in with my dad. When I got there I leaned in towards him and asked him if everything was okay...he said he was anxious because of the men out there...she had men moving some of her belongings that she as having send by ship to her native country...I wasn't happy. I talked to him for a bit and left. She called me at about 11:45 to say my father couldn't sleep and kept mentioning D and how he thought D was lost. I spoke to him and explained D was sleeping and fine...he asked why nobody told him D'd been found...frick...totally delusional.. I don't know what to do with that. Aside from that it's getting increasingly hard to care for his business. All the money gets eaten up by the workers we have to pay to care for him 24/7 and it's not covered by his insurance...it's a mess...we're barely making it and I'm having to pitch in with my own money...not good as it's not like I"m not spending it myself. Shit.

So..that's where we're at.

Catching up

I almost forgot to write as I've been writing so much to the chicks I met at the clinic. Well, still no period. No sign of hide or hair of it. I finally called the chick at the clinic yesterday who said she'd email the doctor and ask her how she wants to proceed. I found the donor I want to use though I haven't purchased any vials and I'm not sure what the frick I'm waiting for as he'll probably be sold out by the time I get to it. I'm finally rolling with all of this making the calls I needed to make. I'm full of anxiety. Full of it. Chock full! Can't seem to get away from it but for small bits of time.

I'm avoiding my family today as they're driving me crazy but I promised D I would go over. Did I mention D had to have oral surgery. Older sibling kept saying don't call the dentist as I'm calling today...this went on forever and I finally called them....they never called me back BTW which makes me angry but doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore when using "the system" for the disabled. It's a racket and if you had to use it, and I'm sure I've said this before, you wouldn't believe you live in the U.S. I live in friggin NY people!! It's not even like I live in Osh Kosh USA.. Whateva! Anyhow, my mother took D to her dentist who is ancient and he had D go to a surgeon. D is better but it was beyond..just beyond..an unnecessary stressor.

Shit at work is what it is. I confronted the one friend of the group that went and reported me...what a wuss. She says, Gem, I have to work with these people. I asked how she thought it would affect our friendship...humina humina humina...puhlease... I don't care anymore. I'm not even angry either I'm just disgusted and realize I have to move on knowing I did nothing wrong here. I work in a fucked up environment but the pay is good so I'll shut the fuck up and be grateful...just wait it out and see what the future holds.

My father continues to not be well. Has a terribel wound on his leg...not good. I worry. The sibs have not been visiting during the week as far as I can tell. One of the care ladies said she called younger sibs for adult diapers Thursday morning so when I showed up Thursday night with NADA! she looked at me like where are they...did you get the call? No? Well neither did I. This is how they roll. Infuriating. So late at night there go me and Tess driving back towards my home to get the diapers and drive all the way back. Whatever..really it's frustrating.

Anyhow..that's the long and the short..will let you know what happens Wednesday at the psych eval for people using donor sperm...too funny...you think I need a shrink for donor sperm? I need a shrink for a million other reason!. ..

Back to the plan

Today I went back to the IVF clinic. Kay went with me at my request because I still wasn't comfortable with the commute into NYC...and the GPS goes crazy with all the bridges and tunnels..plus I wanted the company. Kay is my angel..I swear it. Anyhow..had blood drawn. Spoke to 2 people regarding the no period..they didn't seem that concerned. And last but definitely not least..attended the IVF class even though I'd already gone to one at the old clinic they made me do it again. I met 3 ladies there. One, the youngest who I instantly didn't like was 35 but she ended up being okay. I'm giving her all my old meds as she's paying for them out of pocket which is ridiculous. The second chick is 42 though initially said she was 41..I knew she had lied as I had looked at her DOB written on her folder...she is also using donor sperm. The third, and the one I know the least is also I believe in her 40's and has never tried anything. I emailed them all to just follow up and invited them to keep in touch. Going through the class brought back all of the old feelings of dealing with all the injections and the stress of all that crap but at least it distracted me from the stress of work.

Speaking of.. I asked Kay today if she though I was getting fired. I feel like I'm being set up..I really do. There is nowhere to turn though. My boss' boss is the County Exec who is planning to exit soon and really, who goes to the country exec to bitch. There's nowhere to go. The union can't help me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to obsess but the stress is ridiculously intense. I'm thinking of applying to a job, also with the government that is posted. It's about 40,000 less a year but it's not nothing.. Gonna look at it again tomorrow when I get to work and see if I qualify for the exam (all the jobs are by examination..civil service..), and go from there. I don't want a cut in pay but at this point the stress is ridiculous. I figure if it comes down to it I'll figure shit out.

I never called the guy back. Did I mention the guy? Not sure if I did or not but never called him. My feeling is if he wanted to reach me he would have called me in the evening when he knew I'd be home instead of just leaving messages during the work day...what the fuck is that? Anyhow, I chickened out because I'm now chickenish. My therapist said I'm stronger than I think but I think she's got it wrong. I think I'm weaker than she thinks...not weaker but more emotionally vulnerable. I feel at times I'm at the precipice of insanity.

Anyhow..I go off as usual. So I'm back on track for babyville. Hoping and praying which is all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

Work...

I went into the boss' office today to hand in a time off request as I wanted to leave early so I could visit my father..I have a session tonight and so wanted to make sure I could get everything in. My boss says she will begin questioning my staff as to the allegations made by the chick and her posse a few weeks back. I say, "that's really not how I would like it handled and I don't think it's going to be helpful". She is insisting. I tell her do what she wants. I spend the entire shift crying at the injustice of it all. Take a poll from any worker on their supervisor and I'm sure it's not going to be great...in my office with all the dysfunction it's going to be even worse. I am upset that she takes what they say but doesn't give any weight to what I say. I'm trying to let it go but to say I'm pissed is an understatement and I was close to losing it but gathered my wits by way of Mattie who helped talk me through it. I'm still upset. I can't help but think that all the chaos and bullshit going on has to have contributed to my lack of period. Still nothing btw.. I wish I could leave my job. I can't but I wish I could. I have too much debt and I make too much. I owe a mortgage of almost 200k, 60k in student loan debt, and my common charges on my condo are a ton as well...biggest mistake buying this place and really it's beyond modest...tiny little fixer upper that I've only managed to partially fix up..but it's home and shit happens..can't turn back time.

My goal this year is to get my license. I have an MSW...don't know if I mentioned but I never got my license to practice therapy..never took the test. I have to take a course to more than brush up on the stuff and then try and take it. It'll better equip me if I have to leave. I want to get one more year under my belt so that I'm vested in the system and then if the shit hits the fan take off....This is the plan particularly if there are no babies and it looks like if this period doesn't come back there won't be. When I got my MSW the plan had been to be a therapist but some shit happens for a reason and I'm glad it turned out differently as the agency where I had wanted to work closed down and I would have been jobless at a time when jobs are scarce. But I have to try and get it. It's security for me, or at least some security and I speak another language which would also help me. I also have an "in" at another place that I think would hire me part time.

Anyhow, that's it in a nutshell. I've had enough of these bitches bullying me...taunting me...speaking to me like I'm the shit on the bottom of their shoe. Really had enough but there's nothing I can do. Been hiding in my office...I'm ashamed even as I write it. But I didn't grow up with this type of shit...girl on girl aggression. SOooo not used to it and don't know how not to be defensive and emotional about it.

That's me. A wuss at 41...awesome.

A Watched pot! Ugh!

I'm waiting and waiting for this period and it's nowhere in sight. Never in my life!! The truth of the matter is I've been so stressed my brain feels like it weighs 50 lbs. so I shouldn't be surprised that it's all fucked up. Considering gonig for a massage with the gift certificate I got for Christmas. Gonna have to do something to relax as I can't seem to do it on my own.

:(

Period.

I'm waiting for my friggin period. It was supposed to come yesterday and not a sign in site. I'm nervous about it really as I don't want anything to fuck up this try. I've missed a period NEVER iu my life so I can't imagine that it'll happen this month it's just weird. I can only attribute it to the mega stress at work and the mega stress with my father and both combined have left me wired as all hell...tense beyond belief and just..Ugh!! Anyhow, it is what it is and I'm going to just try to let it go and see what happens..hoping it comes tonight. Say a friggin prayer.

I'm a Wuss now..sh#$

I've turned into such a chicken shit I can't even stand my sniveling self anymore. I'm freaked out at work and feeling anxious left and right. I'm super freaked about this upcoming IVF thing and even just waiting for my period (due tomorrow) is totally stressing me out, even though it's not this round I'm doing, but next round....freaked, freaked, freaked. I have to call them though the day I get my period this cycle..why? I don't know..I'm just too freaked to really think shit out. And last but not least...I'm freaked that this guy that is supposedly interested in me is calling me...at least I think it's him as someone, with his same last name, left a quick message yesterday on my machine telling me to call him but not saying why. Supposedly this dude met me at work though he was not a client and of course I can't remember him for shit because that is how I roll...I never remember anybody...just meet wayy too many people. Kay doesn't remember him either. Who the fuck knows..but I'm freaked. I feel like shit about my body and I can't go out with anybody like this. Aside from that I'm in the middle of trying to make a baby... He's actually the same mix I am and works in a sort of similar field.. If he was the one that left the message, he has a slight accent...not really my thing but who the freak am I really.

Anyhow, I'm trying to be calm as I know I have to be for this upcoming cycle but I have too many fires going at the same time and the stress is just ridiculous... Mattie tells me to pray about it and I try to pray but I'm distracted by my own thoughts..craziness really.

Any ol' way, I can't write as my hands are killing me. Wanted to just touch base and catch up, let go of some of these thoughts here on these pages.

Trying to stay cautiously hopeful about the next few months. I'm scared as it's more hopeful than cautious and I can't have another broken heart this year...