The Doc

I love my doctor..my RE that is..have I mentioned this? She's beautiful inside and out and just the nicest person you can ever imagine..seems unreal sometimes. I'm at times a very nosey person..I say at times as there are others where you'd think I would want to know something and I really couldn't care less. So yesterday when I'm sitting with Kay for countless hours she asks me about my doctor..how old is she..does she have kids..where does she live? How the frick should I know. I never thought about it..never thought about her and you know what, sometimes you're better off not knowing. I think if it wasn't for the nature of my job, where you receive more information about people than you would ever want to know..their deepest, darkest and dirtiest, I'd probably be more inquisitive in general but well, it kind of changes stuff for me but when Kay asked, I quickly got to work digging...wish I hadn't. Ended up seeing a pic of her in an intimate pic with her family of her after giving birth. She has 2 children btw, both boys, and a handsome husband who is from the same country as her though his job is not nearly as prestigious as hers...she's early 30's and he's late 30's...I know exact ages but really what I found was too much information. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing that some people are indeed ..just human...lost some of that ethereal quality she had about her though she still is a sweety! You ever meet someone that you wish you could be even a little like? I think..how do you grow up to be a person like this..so nice, caring, loving and beautiful to boot? Don't know..something to strive towards emulating I suppose..(good luck with that one Gem)!

She called me today regarding the plans. She said continue with meds..blah blah and she was thinking..this is what she says..she was thinking I could probably remove these tubes myself..oh lawd!..will be removing them Monday night..myself! sheesh! I figure if I can inject myself in the rear..this should be a cinch..at least I can reach and use a mirror (her suggestion, the mirror).

Went to a meeting for "D" this morning as they are signing "D" up for a work program. They explained "D" felt 12 hours a week would be fine..I said, you know "D" has no concept of what 12 hours is right?..."really?"...yes, really...how bout we start with 8 hours as last time "D" tried working it was 2 hours a week and poor "D" was terminated..poor kid..terminated and devestated. Went to Walmart afterwards..a big trip as it's not that nearby..love that store! can't get over how cheap everything is there...you can buy Jeans for $20..sometimes even cheaper!! Bought a whole bunch of men's long sleeved t's for the weekends...comfy and I don't give a shit what they look like really as I feel gross about my body right now so don't want to spend tons on clothes. Went home and took a walk with Tess but really I think I try to do too much..I have to try and rest more.

Next embryo transplant..I have to take it easy..Doc implied it might not happen until February..that's fine too. Can't stress. I didn't mention that one of my facebook friends..my age...just announced yesterday that she's expecting again..her *cough..6th! She was looking for hand-me-downs...interesting..as I would have never thought to post a request..sometimes I think I'm a bit of a snob that way..expecting everything to be new for a new baby... Got a text today from an ex-coworker (who I don't particularly care for) saying one of her children (2 are currently pregnant..AGAIN!!) is expecting a girl! It's a girl! I really want to write back..who gives a shit you bragging moron??!!! but I can't so instead I just don't reply...can't anymore. Kay says, just think how great it'll be when you can announce yours..I suppose...you know you're a grump when Kay is seeing the glass as half full as opposed to you..Gonna try to stay positive. I do feel hopeful. Felt hopeful after hanging up with the doctor. She told me they had to remove more of the fibroid than they thought..it isn't a separate fibroid like Kay said, it's actually the one on the outside that's growing into the inside...lovely..whatever. I hope that if I do get pregnant I can ask the ob/gyn to do a c-section and remove the fibroid at the same time. My thinking is my chances of a c-section are high because of my weight...might as well kill two birds with one stone as the fibroid is too large for laproscopic surgery..it's actually larger than my uterus..scary so I want it out..don't need anything in me that might in any way be cancer. Waiting for pathology on the D&C which scares me...the word pathology itself scares me now..don't find anything please! So that's that..Monday tubes come out which I can't wait as it's beyond even describable of what it's like though not the worse thing I've ever had..thank God..just want to be able to feel like I don't have to walk gingerly with something hanging between my legs.

Oh, my sister called me today...surprising..but it was good to connect. Have to accept was is given rather than be disappointed that the connection didn't have what I was looking for. It is what it is and I have to be grateful as I need my family..disfunctional as it may be..

Say What?!

So I go in for my "uterine study" today which also included a D&C...glad I didn't know about that til the last minute as I would have freaked. So I'm in there for a good 2 hours come out in recovery in mega pain...morphine...pain...more morphine...pain...more morphine.. Laying in recovery with my friend Kay who deserves to win the lotto as she has been just too good to me, really, her name should appear where it says father of the child, and so I"m trying to just feel better so I can go and I'm moving around and feel I need to go pee. Kay gets the nurse who takes me to the bathroom and tells me to ring the buzzer if there's a problem or when I'm done. So I go to sit down and feel something...hmmmm...reach down and there's definitely something down there that's not a baby..WTF???..in my morphine haze I'm trying to calm myself down and make sure I'm not hallucinating..WTF??!!..WTF? I look..I've got some cables coming out of my vagina..like the ones you plug behind the computer sort of...hmm..wtf?..I look again and think..'are you hallucinating Gem?'...'uh, no, there's cables there'...call the nurse...she says..."what? Are you sure?"..yes I'm sure.."what is it". I tell her well it's not a penis!.."can I see"..umm....another nurse comes..Kay comes..THANK GOD FOR KAY!! who says, the Dr. mentioned a catheter...Oh says one nurse, I heard of another Dr. doing this...whew! thought my Dr. had forgotten to finish up. Just pee with it on and pat dry they tell me..Okay. I have to have this shit in me for 20 days..on closer inspection the tubes go from inside and are taped to the side of my leg..interesting..how do you bathe with this? No idea. This baby better behave when it's born...and it better sleep and grow up to be a Dr. or an engineer or something good..better not give me a lick of trouble I tell you as I've already been throug hell it seems..but in the end it'll be worth it. They found a fibroid that they hadn't realized was there..good. Almost made it home but upon entering my complex had to yell at Kay to stop the car, flung the door open and still wearing my seatbelt puked my brains out, and puked, and puked, and puked..didn't think I'd ever get inside. Finally was able to eat something around 9..that was my day. My doctor also informed me my iron is extremely deficient and my thyroid levels are extremely low...both too low for a baby...gotta go hustle to my other doctors and get this fixed.. but at least I know and thank God for kick ass insurance! Exhausted but got through it. God is good.

Not my Funday..

I don't know what it is about Sundays...for me they're never good..then again I think I'm starting to become a pessimist or maybe it's all the hormones. It seems like I'm super-sensitive lately...just spinning myself into a small bout of the blues. Today I dyed my hair and hung out with Tess. Texted my sister to see if she wanted me to pick something up on the way to my mother's. She tells me they're leaving as my other sibling was called into work. That's the shit with those two..when they're together nobody gives a shit about me but if one of them doesn't come down my phone doesn't stop..it really hurts my feelings. I went out with them yesterday and of course nobody asked about how my trying is going. I'd like to say I don't care but that's not true in any way shape or form. Just wish they gave a shit..really gave a shit..not just when they need me or when the other isn't around. I went to my mother's anyway and I shouldn't have. She was as usual, trying to get me to do what she wants me to do and having a fit when I wouldn't bend, though she tried all her tricks a total of 3, count them, 3, times...lady is a trip. Needless to say I stayed for less than an hour..feeling shitty about myself...feeling shitty about "D"...just feeling shitty. So Tess and I are back home and she's here next to me sleeping while I stew in my guilt and feel sorry for myself.. I did have a nice talk with Diana last night and even though it was only a half hour it always makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world and that someone else speaks the same language as me...I didn't even talk as it was mostly her shit with her husband but all the same, it made me feel less alone. I don't know..don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get my procedure done Tuesday..hope it doesn't hurt too much and start the new shrinky dink Thursday and hope she's not a total waste..I'm looking for someone who is sharp but not too bossy and not hell bent on her opinion being the only way. I'm not (for the most part) crazy...just somewhat tormented by too much shit. We'll see.

Really Universe? At WW?

So I wake up at the crack of ass this morning to get ready to go in for prelinaries at the hospital. Drop Tess off at my mother's house, and drive an hour through New Jersey following my GPS system. Get there...wait...wait...get a nice nurse who weighs exactly the same as me she tells me and also tells me...you're not morbidly obese according to the guidelines...well isn't that nice..and in a way it was..to know there are people with bigger weight issues out there. The experience as a whole was more pleasant than anything else and I get out of there on time to make it to my 10:30 Weight watcher's meeting..lost a pound..woo hoo...did I mention I gained 4 last week..shit. Anyhow, as I enter, the meeting leader who I think secretly hates me..(I really do)..mentions as she's flashing through her phone..you want to see a picture of my new baby..she's not talking to me so I keep walking and flashign through my head is...new puppy..new car..could be anything but alas..at the end of the meeting yes, you guessed it..fucking meeting leader is pregnant with her second child...well God bless.. I mean really! Really God?! Well isn't that fucking so typical? I came home, put a pot of coffee on and vaccuumed my rug because what else is there to do? I left Tess at my mom's..I figured why should she stew in my misery when she's got her 2 dog cousins at my mom's to play with and my sister's who love her..Am I whining and sounding like a baby..maybe..but really I'm sick of this shit...really sick of it.. It's always someone else getting married, having the fucking baby, buying the beautiful fucking house, winning the fucking lotto, and Lord knows I've been blessed with a good job good education good brain but I'm fucking alone!! afuckinglone and I don't really get that...why go through all of this shit if it's just to end up alone? It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. I know I have to keep the faith but sometimes I think this is a cruel joke the universe is playing because okay, you don't want to give it to me or it's not in the cards for me but can you please not have it all around me...surrounding me..drowning me in this shit? Really? Is there no safe place? Can't take much more of this really. It's fucking killing me.

Thanksgiving

I woke up today around 6:30 a.m. feeling grateful and thankful for all that I have; A family, friends, a good job, my Tess...and too many blessings to really count. This week one of my coworkers let me in to the fact that she had nowhere to go for Thanksgivng..this is a real crazy lady and she really doesn't work for us per se but near us and so she comes in daily to water my plants, get a little free therapy as she is going through something, help me with my mail, and just shoot the shit. People stay away from her but all in all she's not terrible though I've had my share of bad experiences with her. So she's got nowhere to go and reluctantly I invited her to visit the disfunction junction though she declined and it made me think how lucky I was to have a family to spend the holiday with. Onward moved the day, I finished making what I was bringing with and for whatever reason I terrible sense of sadness has come in to swoop over me. Thinking about Pussyface and Asshole...not having my own family..my own baby..a partner of any kind...just made me sad. So here I am putting this down here before I had out to face la familia and try not to destroy a holiday with my craziness. I don't know what it'll take to make me feel some sort of serenity in my life...not happiness per se but just serenity..always feeling like I am not enough in some way or harping on the past. Have to move forward in a more positive light. I have faith that this is possible but I have to make some changes in my life beginning with myself to see this happen...beginning with feeling more grateful...more glass half full.

Canada

I went to see the Canadians today. Only Robby was there which was fine and we also had a couple of people on the phone bridge. When the meeting ended Robby asked me about the baby making thing, the food thing, and in general how am I holding up. I told her the whole baby making fiasco story and also how my eating is out of control and I can't seem to get a grip...the worst it's been in a long time. She made me promise to go to another meeting this week and I'm going to try and really do it not just say it or make an excuse. We had a nice long talk and basically she told me I needed more meetings and to just get 3 days in and I would start from there. On the baby making topic, she told me to not give up, to try and lose some weight to make it easier to carry and shared how she never tried and now at 60-something has major regrets...even tried to adopt when she was in her 50's but realized she was just too old...said it was the biggest regret of her life. I left there feeling hopeful..more hopeful than I had in a long time. I set up a meeting with a new therapist yesterday for next week..don't believe I mentioned it. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to really try with this chick unless she's a complete psycho freak...have to get my mental affairs in order.

It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.

Don't drink and cry

This was an extremely long weekend...not long in the good way..exhausting long. Last night Lexi, the young girl from work who's 23 year old came over. It was supposed to be "girls night in"..her idea and Kay was supposed to come over. I feel bad for Lex as she works with all old people so we're it in terms of fun..me who's 40 and Kay who is pushing 59 with both hands..Kay couldn't make it. Her son was in the war and right now, he's not doing well so she didn't feel like she could leave him so it ended up just me and Lexi. She brought over, I gag as I think back to it..fruit punch and coconut rum..mix those together and what do you get?...some bad ass puking if you drink too much of that..I limited myself to a tiny bit. It was a nice night but she was here until 1 a.m. and I was tired though I'm usually up that late but not with company. Today we had "brunch" for my father's birthday at some ritzy place my sister's wanted to go to..I put brunch in quotes as they called it brunch but it was 1p.m so....we'd been there before and really..it's good but out of the way and still pricey for "brunch" anyway. Drank too many mimosas, and now after a weekend of too much shitty booze I want to play the crying game. Am trying not to and trying to keep in mind it's the booze crying not me though in reality I think it's a little of both. Another day spent with my sister's where nobody asks how things are going with the baby making...cool right? Fuckers. I promised myself, I am not bringing it up just to be shot down again, and I'm sticking to my word...not that anybody gives a shit but... It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't make me feel so alone. If I was with someone I imagine that it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't ask me as I'd be in this with someone..but to do it alone and not have the support of your family...not a good feeling. We're not having company for Thanksgiving..which is really unheard of in my house so no distractions from each other....suuuuckkks!!

This week I'm working a three day week..which is excellent but I start tomorrow with a management meeting which is not so excellent..worst shit I do at work but hoping it just goes by fast and I can just sit there and do what I have to do and get out...just want the week to go by. Haven't heard anything from my Dr. about going into the hospital for the uterus study..want that done and have to call the cryobank to see when the old guy I was using has more juice available... I just want to get on with this already but by the same token I feel so unravelled at times that I just want to stop and take a break from it all..not sure. I'm going to try to call that therapist that I found, this week. The shit is that when I'm working, as stressful as it is..I feel better and then think well I'm alright I don't need a therapist right now..then I get to the weekends and my real life and I"m hanging on to sanity for dear life..ain't that the way of things. Anyhow..we'll see what this brings..hoping this weekend isn't horrible..trying not to stress out.

I'm Up!

I got a call from my RE today. I was supposed to have called this week and had every intention of calling yesterday when I left work early but really couldn't bring myself to do it, emotionally. She calls me today and says she's reviewed my chart and wants to do a study of my uterus..she explains my insurance pays for it and she sees on the films she has there is a tiny flap which she wants to look at more closely and shave down if she can..she doesn't think it's a big deal but wants to cover all angles. She calls in a script to my pharmacy for birth control to stop the thickening of my uterine lining which I have to start immediately she says...I have to go to a hospital not her clinic for a procedure though she'll be the one doing it..it's either Tuesday next week (doubtful) or the Tuesday the following week. I nod, say yes, agree, hang up and want to break into tears. This means I again have to go for xrays, ekg, and all that crap I just finished last month. Have to take time off from work, find someone to drive me, and just get my shit together when emotionally I'm just tired but I gotta do what I gotta do. If the hospital was local it wouldn't be so bad but of course it's in the next state and about an hour away..making it more difficult. I had someone at work today tell me that I'm lucky I don't have children as they really do tire you out..said like a person who had no problems having kids, got married at the right age, and life is just ho-hos and bon bons.. To these people I would like to say, "fuck you idiot!"...but you can't. Anyhow, this round I'm going to take time off and do things the right way. The girl who'd made the comment that she felt I should have taken it easy last time and I did too much, talked to me today and apologized for saying it. I told her next time tell me as I'm doing it as this is my base M.O. it's how I've always done things full steam ahead and it really is my base line..I'm constantly running, constantly stressed, constantly rushing and pushing myself until I can't anymore and I don't realize I do it until I'm falling on my face. I explained that until she said it I didn't even realize I was doing it and I was so glad she said it as it didn't even occur to me..the only thought in my head was that after the insemination I had gone out to lunch with a friend..thinking maybe I shouldn't have been sitting up..never realized I'd been running around..!!!!!I'm such a moron sometimes.... I'll be getting more Personal time in January which is good as it's time where they can't ask you what you're doing or deny you...unlike sick whereas if you use 3 days in a row you need a doctor's note with an explanation..I'm going to use my time and make sure I'm relaxed even if it cuts into my maternity leave time..I'll have to save more money and just pay my own way if I don't have the time..shit happens...and I have to stop being so greedy..just have to cut my expenses and pinch pennies and watch my Christmas shopping.

Getting back to the conversation with the Doc, she said that she wants me to keep trying as she thinks my chances are good. I'm scared that she's wrong but know I'll use every last cent to try and when that's gone...I don't know. Just hoping this next one takes..please God. I have to get away from the stress at work and it's so intense. I walk out of there on a regular basis with a pit in my stomach and it's really from the bitches not from the actual work...today it even included one of the guys..soo fucking arrogant. He was pissed that I told him I didn't want him speaking to the opposing's attorney without our attorney or the client..at all! no sharing of information..he thought it was because I didn't feel comfortable speaking to attorneys but he explained to me this is something he was quite comfortable with and had experience doing..I had to explain that it had to do with confidentiality...fucking idiot big dick penis head!! and told him that any fool could speak to an attorney..idiot. I spoke to the boss today about the shit going on with my staff and just briefly let her know that there is trouble with horse-face who is very pissed at me right now and that she might hear some shit come down the pike..she said she appreciates being warned but the truth is you know if the shit hits the fan she'll take pleasure in frying my ass...oh well...can't keep thinking about that place and the drama there. Have to think about me-Gem! and my hopes and dreams and how if I don't relax..it's not going to happen..I wish I knew how to relax...if you asked me the most relaxing thing for me I'd tell you a cigarette with a glass of wine but for whatever reason..I don't think that's the answer in this situation (joke).

Keeping on..

I believe I mentioned I had gotten my period after work Monday. I was glad to get it as the Dr. mentioned I was to have gotten it over the weekend and when it hadn't come I was worried that perhaps it never would again. Monday and yesterday it was pretty light but today it came in normally except with excruciating cramps. So bad in fact, that I took 3 advil this morning, had to leave work early as I was in real pain, came home and slept for a bit over an hour and had to take 3 more advils..pain. I found myself tearful again today, not so much while I'm at work but when I'm alone. I came home and got to watch some of those shows on TLC where they show people having babies or bringing them home or what have you..I cried..cried when I was happy for them and cried when I was sad for me.

I went to see the Canadians last night and my two regular friends did not come. Some other Canadians whom I'd never met before came and was a total bitch. I shared with the people on the phone and broke down crying in front of the bitch..I didn't care. I find myself caring less about mundane things which is good though I'm still obsessive about work. I have to be careful at work as that one chick Horseface is very angry at me..she is a very dangerous person and therefore my hackles are up and on guard..we'll see what happens..and there's a part of me that doesn't care about that either. The part that cares is the one where hope lives and I'm still hoping for that baby so I need my job more than ever.

Well, that's it in a nutshell and just wanted to touch base briefly before I hit the hay. Life continues but there's a little piece of me that doesn't want to. I know that the beat goes on and I've got to roll with the punches, and all those other motivating cliches but I'm getting tired..I've been tired and I'm getting more tired..two more tries and then I'm pretty much I don't know where.

Smoke 2 cigarettes and call me in the morning..

Last night I spoke briefly to Kay whom I love but it wasn't what I needed. I waited until about 11:30 pm and called Diana who was working graveyard. She said she'd been just about to call me,something I had needed to hear; that someone was thinking of me..needy huh? but there it is. Diana, out of all my friends, knows me the best and is the most similar to me in certain respects. I cried like a freak for about an hour..wracking sobs the ugly, I can't even talk, crying..smoked a marlboro menthol from my emergency stash and finally after 3 days of emotional hell felt human again. Went to work today, got through the meeting without killing anyone or making an ass of myself..almost got through my shift without someone annoying the crap out of me..and here I am: safe and sound at home. Tomorrow is another meeting with my staff to start the day and I have a feeling it's not going to be good. I'm going to try to get through it without getting my ass handed back to me on a platter and just move on. One of my coworker..a young girl who I'm pretty close to, said Gem, next time you can't run around stressing like you do..you gotta be away from here as it's too much..this is all too much and I think she's right. I worked like I always worked and was annoyed by people like I always am..and really, though I know my not getting pregnant is not my fault, I have to do more to protect myself, to ensure that I don't just carry that all capable attitude..it's not good for me and it doesn't do me any favors and really, if I was an embryo, I'd be like, I'm outta here..so next time..I'm going to take a little time to myself and protect myself even if I have to call out to do it. But that's for later but a good lesson along the way.

So the moral of this story? Shit happens and this too shall pass. I feel better. Not 100% back to where I was but better. When I got home today I opened up my underwears to find my period sitting there..a relief as I didn't want to get it while at work, and feel any emotions while there, and also was worried that it wasn't coming..it's here and I'm fine with it. I'll try again in January. Am definitely going to find a shrink as, even though I feel okay, I recognize that I have demons haunting me that I can't shake on my own and eventually they will come for me and take me if I don't deal with them now so on to a therapist it is. Have to find one less crazy than me which you'd think wouldn't be as hard as it is..but isn't this the way of things?

I'm going to try and use this time between now and January to focus on me, finding a therapist and lose a little weight..just get myself together a bit. No more smoking for me as I woke up with the urge after yesterdays slip..maybe a beer later.. Just need to relax.

Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.

To Be or not To Be...that is the Question...

So, last night I mentioned that I got the negative HPT...devastated..crying fit..feeling bad for myself and sat in my own shit for the rest of the evening except for the long walk me and Tess took cause really, why should she sit in it with me? So today I go to the RE's office, say to the nurse, "I don't think I"m pregnant"..'why, did you take a home pregnancy test?'.."yes, and it was negative"..'ohhhh'..okay so I'm like confirmation, this dance is done, nail in the coffin, pack it up and move on. See the Dr. and we have the same exchange except, 'well, it could be too low to show up on an HPT'..oh, I think..Hope?..so she sticks the penis probe inside and looks around and says, "Gemma if you hadn't told me you got a negative I would say you look pregnant. Your mucus is right..ovaries swollen as occurs in pregnancy..it looks good. I don't want to get your hopes up though but I don't want you to be discouraged." I of course break down balling..I mean..what kind of yo-yo hormone crap is this..do I stay or do I go here? So I cry the entire way back to New York..am hysterical as I fill up on cheap Jersey gas..and haul my ass over to the department store..call Diana..who really is drowning in her own stuff but when you can't call family you pick whoever comes to your mind..I buy an overly expensive sweater (which by the way will be returned as I just found a coupon for that store 30% off) while bumping into every pregnant woman, and newborn infant on the planet, ...rush home, set up the crock pot all the while holding in my pee and go take another HPT...guess what it said? Why,.. negative...of course. Have to just keep the faith.

Testing, one, two, three, testing...

So I bought a home pregnancy test during my lunch break at work. I know it's early but I had to be prepared for the negative and in the deepest, darkest, secret part of myself, I've been telling myself I'm pregnant. This is not good! I will be devastated tomorrow so I had to stick a pin in that friggin imagination balloon..sure enough..negative. I cried for a second..just a second of frustration and pitty party-ness..feeling like everyone gets everything,.. I get nothing, ..I'm going home to eat worms like a big friggin baby. It's painful..real painful...I want to run from my life but there's really nowhere to go so.. I go to the RE tomorrow to confirm and do an US and then we start again. Though I write this, there's a disconnected part of me that doesn't fully believe it because I don't want to believe it..don't want to believe that I've gone through all this shit for nothing..both of my ass cheeks hurt still from these shots, I'm hormonal as hell, and have close to 10K worth of sperm on my AMEX card and yet nothing..nothing at all..can you imagine? And I only have 2 more tries on my insurance. If I pull it together I can probably scrape up enough for one round of IVF on my own but then I have not one drop of savings...scary when you are trying to have a child...to do it sans a penny of savings. I don't regret taking the test as I can now grieve slowly and in private. I'm pissed though and hurt but I have to learn to accept this...do my two more tries and then ..

"D" is coming to stay with me this weekend overnight so I have to prepare my spare room and do some cooking, cleaning, and shopping. I like when "D" stays though it's also somewhat taxing..and it always seems that "D" comes when I'm not emotionally equipped but the plan has been laid and so ..

shit.

Killer Colleagues!!

Today was a whirlwind of a day. I've been trying to keep a low profile...lower than usual, at work as I've been feeling emotionally shaky...just an inner jitter that I can't seem to shake and so I have to keep stress (a/k/a coworkers) away. Well today it starts off like shit. I have some hard decisions to make that will result in people getting very angry at me..then I have this twirp reception kid come into my office screaming and cursing about my staff..biotches you say? Yeah, no fucking kidding..welcome to my world..but I'll be damned if I'm doing your job. So he goes off, and this kid is a spoiled punk whose mom is a bigwig in another area and so my boss of course buried her nose in thos cheeks, and the kid really belongs working at a pizza hut..that's the truth..lazy. So he goes crazy, I calm him down, he upsets a client, I calm the staff who now has to deal with the client down, then he pulls some cocka mamie thing where rather than do his job he forwards the work to me..so I told him..listen..don't talk to clients..take their name and pass it on to a staff..don't make any decisions for them or explain jack to them..just pass their name to a staff..that's it. Doesn't the little shit get pissed off starts slamming crap around and then go running to my boss? And here comes Ms. Power-Trip to reprimand me and tell me to march myself and go do the work and that we'll talk about my treating a reception staff a certain way tomorrow. I insisted we speak on it now and pulled her into a coworker's office. Long story short she initially defended the kid but unfortunately for his sorry ass there were too many witnesses including (thank you Lord), Mattie, who had returned to work this week and was in my office when the little shit exploded..mouth agape at his behavior mind you. Whew..he was reprimanded and cried. Tried to throw me under the bus the little shit..took his ass down with me..we'll see what tomorrow brings..it's not easy I tell you. All this friggin stress and it is extremely stressful as aside from all this crap I had a mountain of work to do and serious legal issues (work) that I was trying to juggle...while sitting on the fact that I'm trying to get pregnant, have taken a ton of drugs so I'm super emotional, and waiting to hear that it's once again a BFN!! Now I don't know this for sure but I'm preparing myself for the disappointment. The kid upset me so much my stomach was in knots and I had to run to find a bathroom...I do not like to do this at work and yes it's TMI but it is what it is. Hoping tomorrow is better. It's the last day before the weekend thanks to Veteran's day. Ugh..need some good news Friday but have a feeling it's not gonna be what I wanna hear. I'll live but it'll hurt.

Monday

I just want to add here that I love my mother as much as she drives me crazy and doesn't show a maternal side..she's the mother God gave me and I'm lucky to have one..Wanted to add that to conclude yesterday's rant. I was angry and though it's all true..spread out over a lifetime, it's not the worst situation in the world..

So, today was another Monday. I did my calculations and it appears that my period should not be showing up until sometime late next week though it hasn't been regular since pumping my body full of all this crap. I actually had a very short period sometime last month but I guess it's from all the meds that is forcing my body to do what the RE wants it to do. I don't feel anything much today..was cramp free all day until late tonight when I had some cramping. Last night when I awoke to use the bathroom there were two tiny and I mean teensy drops of blood..they were bright read and not smudgy..more like suspended drops..weird and pardon the TMI but it is what it is.. I thought to myself, "aww, two fell out"..I know that's not how it works but those were my thoughts..I'm scared that this won't be it..Have a feeling it isn't but want to be somewhat hopeful..not sure what'll happen of course..Friday is the day.

The Parents

Tonight I just got into quite an argument with my mother... Upsetting. I don't know at what time in my life, but suspect sometime in my early 20's, I became disillusioned and disappointed by my parents..I guess in just the realization that they will never live up to the expectation I had for them and really, that's not their fault, I mean, who the fuck am I? Maybe everyone at one point has this realization..it's cause a real break in our relationship ever since. Tonight my mother started the topic again regarding what exactly "D's" diagnosis is, wanting to decrease "D's" meds herself as "D" sleeps "too much' even though "D" takes these meds for auditory hallucinations. I don't get her, I really don't. Who does this kind of thing because it's hard for them to get their child up in the morning? Really? Cause it's a pain in the ass for you to get them up, your child should hear terrifying voices? I don't know. So I say, this again? And she starts yelling that she can't talk in her own house, that she has nobody to speak to and she's carrying on, screaming as usual, her usual rant that nobody gives a shit about her. I tell her maybe if you changed the topic..it's the same topic and if it's not that topic, you're asking one of us for something. She says, "you never do any favors for me at all!" Well I had had it. I told her that I didn't have to do any favors for her..that I did more than my share for "D" and practically raised "D" which she disputed..I asked her, "Tell me one school meeting I didn't attend? One program meeting I didn't attend? One doctor that wasn't found if not by me? Any significant part of D's life that I hadn't been involved in?" I was fucking livid. I have lost more sleep over this kid than she would ever know with all the shit throughout "D's" life..the time no doctor would take "D"...nobody wanted to take the case when D required tons of medication but had nobody to prescribe..when we had all the problems in school due to the "incident", when we had all the problems finding a school where "D" could exist and every fucking day after working an overnight shift before going to school full time I'd trek my ass down to the school flip the kid over my shoulder and take the out of control child kicking and screaming home because the school couldn't handle "D"... I sat for 2 weeks straight in "D's" class one year to try and figure out what the fuck was wrong, drove the kid to school for a month back and forth when D was suspended from the bus..yeah, I don't help her...WTF!!!!! And the times she's come through for me...Hmmm.. let's think..the one, count them, one visit she made to the hospital oncology ward when I was in there for over a week...she visited for a whole 5 minutes and had the fucking nerve to tell me she was visiting so and so..the mother fucker who had molested me as a child..knowing full well how I felt about that fucker..can you fucking imagine???? Fucking oblivious...even my father who barely spoke to me throughout most of my adult life wanted to kill the mother fucker but my mother? no, she wants to visit..and tell me about it when I'm trapped in oncology's isolation room...And I forgive my mother a lot...I don't harp or dwell on her hitting us as children..that's not even a blip on my radar of shit but do I remember? Hell yes..crazy ass woman would tear our room up and throw every single possession in the garbage..you think I exaggerate? EVERY single belonging you had would end up in the trash and this happened let's see...hmmm...can't count how many times I came home to a room full of nothing but your bed and furniture..no posters on the wall, no socks, no pants, no nothing..crazy..yeah and all the support she's given me now trying to conceive..can't even bring it up any more as I can't take the fucking hurt. I know my siblings think I'm crazy as they accuse me of trying to have a normal conversation with her..think she's incapable of talking about anything but her..my sibs words not mine..I don't know. I look at all my friends with the normal mothers who are supportive and talk with them and they go shopping sometimes or out to lunch and I think WTF? And let me tell you..there is a part of me that's made my peace with that..I'm not looking for Mrs. Brady here..but once in a while..can she just be a little motherly? Ask, how are you and wait for an answer before she asks you for something?

Sorry, I had to vent that out and I'm fine really. Just trying to clear out my head and talk it out. Sometimes I think I'm mean to her and other times I feel justified but in reality I wish I could ignore her little idiosyncracies and just accept her as she is..I try...I really do. The funny thing is every time I visit her I say a prayer on my way to not upset her or let her upset me..every single time and didn't I forget today because I took a different route and didn't pass the church that usually triggers my prayer? Ugh. If there wasn't a chance I had babies in here today would definitely be a take a puff from my stash of smokes day.

Full of Embryos

My doctor explained to me why we were up in the air as to whether it was today or tomorrow for insemination; it turns out 2 more eggs fertilized and they wanted to wait and see how they progressed to be able to pick the best of the bunch..they didn't progress and so I found myself rush rush rushing from work to the RE's office for my implantation..no ride, no valium, and in the end, no biggie. Four went in; 1 excellent, 2 very good ones, and 1 good enough..so now we wait. I was started on injectible progesteron which my doctor explained was old fashioned but for me she'd like it as a back up and the progesterone suppositories at night. The injections are in the ass..both the nurse and doctor doubted I'd be able to pull it off myself but I managed to do one in their office though the test will be if I can manage to do it on the other side of my butt..one side is easier to access for me than the other..this should be fun.

The closer I get to this as a reality the more scared I become. I have doubts on my ability to be a good parent. My fears I think are not the traditional..it's more my fear of being able to be active enough for a child. I'm giving myself 5 months after the baby is born to lose some weight and if not then I'm going to have to look into lap band..enough is enough and I have to either shit or get off the pot. I have to do everything I can to be the best parent as it'll just be me fucking up this kid..and she/he will have nobody to immediately run to so.. I went for a walk early today with Willa and am trying to get back into the habit of doing that. Getting harder with the weather as it's freezing. The other day Tess refused to walk and I had to carry her the whole way..crazy dog. I'm hoping I can keep it up even if I have to put her in a bag to come with me.

Just trying to do my best here.

I went out with my friend Ling today and she asked about my sibs and family. She's known me for about 18 years and my family. She was upset to hear they weren't supportive at all. It got me upset a little to just talk about it but it is what it is. I can't stay sick with them..have to make my life and move on.

Just waiting

So at around 3 p.m. I called the RE's office as my doctor had said they'd be contacting me with instructions as to when I was doing the implantation, saying most likely Thursday. The nurse told me I'd have to call tomorrow between 8:30 and 9 to see if I was actually going Thursday or Friday. I explained that my shift starts at 8 and this makes it difficult. She explained the embryos may or may not be ready and they'd have to check on them in the morning...Oh. Well that trumps it's going to be difficult for me to leave work, right? I called my friend Ling who had said she could take me tomorrow to explain and she said didn't think it'd be a problem. I was going to ask Kay again but she's been super stressed and high voltage and right now I need peace and serenity. Ling is not the healthiest emotionally but she's someone who usually does well when dealing with sick people so.. and she was more than willing. I helped her with her children when they were little and still they come over for major homework assignments regularly so she is always saying she owes me which so isn't true..though at one time I saved one of her kid's lives..we joke about this. Those were our days of afternoon cocktails every day and working nights..back when neither of us had any and I mean any money. We had lost contact for a while and upon reconnecting she let me know she had developed a drinkig problem. I always look back and think..thank God I walked away when I did with just the smoking habit and the food issue..alcohol on top of it would have sent me over the edge. She struggles with the alcohol at night mostly..mostly wine. If worse comes to worse, I can drive myself but can't take the valium they suggest you take before the procedure..I really want the valium..so unlike me but I've had enough already. If you saw my body, I have bruises all over my arms, my stomach and one so large on my hand from the IV, a coworker actually gasped today when she saw it..yes..it's been semi-torturous so..valium please!

Anyhow so I'm in a sort of limbo waiting to see and the kind of fucked up part of it is that I had changed my entire calendar tomorrow in preparation for the insemination..rearranged a fairly large meeting and here I am waiting..In truth, I really don't give a shit..I hate meetings...I'm sure the guy who had to rearrange all this feels differently. Speaking of meetings, this morning I went to one as a matter of fact..one of those here's breakfast long meetings. I bumped into a police officer..cute!..who struck up a conversation..when I introduced myself he said he knew me already and recalled 'the incident" that had occurred at work with me. He asked me if things had gotten any better and commented that someone should have taken a bat to my coworker..so of course I fell in love and also fell apart..had to walk away and haven't been right all day..it's just too much still..too painful the whole incident. Waiting for the day when it's little more than a memory.. Made me feel good that the cop felt this way though..like there are still men out there willing to put up their dukes for you..you know? I know this is so anti-women's independance and blah blah blah but sometimes..you need a Knight..even if it's just long enough to take a swing or say he'd take a swing..a girl needs a knight. Anyhow, trying to just keep my eye on the prize here, what's really important..my baby.