Dreaming

I had several nightmares last night..real nightmares with monsters and the like. The last thing I remember hearing was my sibling saying to me, you know what that symbol around your neck means don't you? Referring to the new turtle necklace that I'm wearing. My coworker Lexi, told me how in her culture a turtle represents fertility and her mom told me I should find one and wear it at all times and didn't I go to Kohls and find about 5 different pendants with a turtle on it? Coincidence? I think not. Anyhow, I haven't written in a bit and I guess I just needed time to get my brains back together and I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. The weekend was particularly difficult. I spent about 15 minutes talking to a visibly pregnant person I was introduced to...all of 23 years old and you know what, really, I think that's about how old you really probably are supposed to be when you start trying..for your body to be most receptive so who the heck am I to judge and I didn't. Not like I normally would anyway. I don't see young people who are pregnant as a disgrace, or a person making a detrimental mistake in their lives..I feel, if anything, people like me, who wait for the career and that elusive prince Charming, are perhaps the fools. Someone should tell you, Hey, he sometimes doesn't make it and don't wait til the last minute and girl, you don't need to have a man..you can be your own woman! But alas, that's not how life is so here I am on the cusp of 40-fucking-one trying to have a baby and desperately hoping that I can just squeeze one out..that I'm wrong in thinking that I did in fact wait just a bit too long. Someone, Oprah or whoever the fuck, should have done a show at some point saying girls, those actresses having babies at 46: they are using donor eggs my friends- so don't think scientist have a magic wand..the eggs do not stay fresh forever! Nobody ever says that...I don't understand why that is. I have a sister who still believes it's possible to have babies older..even though I've explained that the doctor says after 43 it's near to impossible..I say near because there is always that freak occurrence but people seem to think you go to a fertility specialist, and voila! Poof!! they can get it done. I thought this myself..you live and learn. So I just wanted to touch base after once again perusing the online plus size maternity sections in the stores that have them and planning my imaginary wardrobe if it were to ever happen. Dreaming as usual. I have to keep dreaming as it'd be too painful to face the other..the thought that it won't happen. I told myself I'd spend up to 30k of my own money, not including sperm..after my insurance runs out. I think this is about the price of a decent car and something that I would regret not doing..not taking every opportunity to do. I spoke to someone today about how it works that I can borrow against my pension and it's fairly easy so...
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.

Crazy for feeling so lonely?

I had a dream about asshole last night..actually this morning as I think it was the last dream of the night so I awoke with it fresh in my head. In my dream: Kay was with me and Asshole was sitting to the right of me, though I was refusing to look at him, and Kay kept talking to him and asking him questions and pissing me off. I took her outside to tell her to cut it out and then I asked her, ..."how does he look"? Different she says, just weird and different. We go back in and lo and behold his face is weird..it's him but his face is weird..distorted. I wake up...get my shit together and I go to work and the shit is slamming us left and right..it's crazy busy. I find a second to tell Kay about my dream which she agrees is bizarre, and says maybe the universe is trying to tell you something. A client needs help. I go help the client and who do I see? Asshole...looks straight at me and at first, I'm confused..don't recognize him..something is different, though it's been a few years since I saw him last...a full beard...Maybe it's me but that is too freaky. Too close to the fucking dream..eerily close. I tell Kay..she says she's got chills..it's just plain weird in an eerie way. I call my friend Diana..she doesn't flinch..aren't you shocked? I ask her...no, you have that weird thing you do. We laugh. It's freaky. I tell Kay that I'm glad I told her as otherwise I would have thought my memory was playing tricks on me..that I was totally losing it on a road to crazyville. She says Gem, if you hadn't told me I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me the dream after. Yes, strange and freaky..I laugh at the thought of my "psychic abilities" when I think of it as the day goes on.... and I think, I'm okay with the Asshole sighting..that I'm over everything..everything that was really nothing but it hurt like a mother effer. But I'm not okay. It fucks up my whole day. The whole day I think about him and his pregnant wife, and how maybe he was toying with me and how I blow things up in my head, and how I'm alone. 40 and counting and definitely alone.

Don't drink and cry

This was an extremely long weekend...not long in the good way..exhausting long. Last night Lexi, the young girl from work who's 23 year old came over. It was supposed to be "girls night in"..her idea and Kay was supposed to come over. I feel bad for Lex as she works with all old people so we're it in terms of fun..me who's 40 and Kay who is pushing 59 with both hands..Kay couldn't make it. Her son was in the war and right now, he's not doing well so she didn't feel like she could leave him so it ended up just me and Lexi. She brought over, I gag as I think back to it..fruit punch and coconut rum..mix those together and what do you get?...some bad ass puking if you drink too much of that..I limited myself to a tiny bit. It was a nice night but she was here until 1 a.m. and I was tired though I'm usually up that late but not with company. Today we had "brunch" for my father's birthday at some ritzy place my sister's wanted to go to..I put brunch in quotes as they called it brunch but it was 1p.m so....we'd been there before and really..it's good but out of the way and still pricey for "brunch" anyway. Drank too many mimosas, and now after a weekend of too much shitty booze I want to play the crying game. Am trying not to and trying to keep in mind it's the booze crying not me though in reality I think it's a little of both. Another day spent with my sister's where nobody asks how things are going with the baby making...cool right? Fuckers. I promised myself, I am not bringing it up just to be shot down again, and I'm sticking to my word...not that anybody gives a shit but... It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't make me feel so alone. If I was with someone I imagine that it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't ask me as I'd be in this with someone..but to do it alone and not have the support of your family...not a good feeling. We're not having company for Thanksgiving..which is really unheard of in my house so no distractions from each other....suuuuckkks!!

This week I'm working a three day week..which is excellent but I start tomorrow with a management meeting which is not so excellent..worst shit I do at work but hoping it just goes by fast and I can just sit there and do what I have to do and get out...just want the week to go by. Haven't heard anything from my Dr. about going into the hospital for the uterus study..want that done and have to call the cryobank to see when the old guy I was using has more juice available... I just want to get on with this already but by the same token I feel so unravelled at times that I just want to stop and take a break from it all..not sure. I'm going to try to call that therapist that I found, this week. The shit is that when I'm working, as stressful as it is..I feel better and then think well I'm alright I don't need a therapist right now..then I get to the weekends and my real life and I"m hanging on to sanity for dear life..ain't that the way of things. Anyhow..we'll see what this brings..hoping this weekend isn't horrible..trying not to stress out.

Run run running from the Pussy (cat) and the (Jack) Ass

I didn't know where to go with this. I really didn't. Talking to Kay and Diana didn't help much..really it didn't. I knew one day it was coming and so here it is..the day I found out Pussy face and Asshole were pregnant. Not quite as painful as finding out they were dating..or that they were engaged..or that they got married ..but painful nonetheless. So here I am with this information and really feeling nothing but shocked, confused, and I won't lie, in some pain. Not pain like I would have felt 5 or 6 years ago but pain. Wondering what did I do in my life that was so fucking terrible that I didn't deserve to meet someone too. I know asshole wasn't for me really though at one point I did think we'd end up together (delusional thinking), but in restrospect, I can see he's not healthy and it wouldn't have been good, but isn't unhealthy better than nothing? Is it? I'm really asking because I'm not sure. So no husband, or even significant someone, and no baby..yet. I want to scream with the unfairness of it all but the truth is, I know it's plenty fair. The reality of it is, that she did things, like the song says, that I wouldn't or couldn't do. And the forces that be kept us apart. He wasn't strong enough for me, strong enough to be the person I needed/need in my life and that's just the fact of it all. I needed a person who would fight for me and be a man for me and that's not who he is..so he's there and I'm here fighting for my baby..but not fighting for my man (whoever that may be)because like Asshole, that's something I can't seem to do either..too alike the both of us I guess, in that way anyway.

Speaking of babies, I went to the RE today but didn't see my regular chick, I had to see the gay guy Dr. L...I really like him and feel comfortable with him..it's the gay thing..makes me feel comfortable and taken care of..(past experiences) so it was good. He found about 14, count them, 14 follicles!!...good huh?

Bitter sweet getting pregnant this way I tell you. It's so precious but it makes not having a partner so crystal clear..magnifies any feelings of loneliness...but not trying is not an option here. It really isn't.

One thing I learned from having cancer and from realizing late in life that you really have to make an effort to attain your goals and dreams, is that life is very short. Now, I know people say this all the time but it really is the truth in terms of time. I do this thing every once in a while when I'm doing something mundane like climbing the stairs or sitting in a diner with my family or friends where I consciously remember the scene and think to myself, one day you'll look back and remember this. I remember doing this in high school all the time and let me tell you..it feels like that was just a year or two ago the scenes are so clear..white moccasins climbing the stairs up to the second floor. Life really is very brief so every day has to really count. I'm not saying I do fantastical things daily but I'm always, every single day, moving towards bettering myself in some way, or moving towards a goal. I feel at 40 that I'm running out of time..I know it may sound silly but I'm half way through and it doesn't seem like it'll be enough.It's the reason I go to bed late and wake up early on the weekends..don't want to miss anything..yes, yes, it's not good for me I know..constant sleep deprivation.

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll cry again today, peruse the registrant section of babies-r-us to see if there's a pussy face registered..but today is really the end of something for me. Why it took me so long to get here I'm not sure but I'm here.

I Piss on Canada!!

I went to see the Canadians (OA mtg) tonight and nobody showed up...again. I was pissed. I was throwing up all night and have been sick to my stomach all day and dragged my ass the whole half hour there in the dark through the frigging woods and nobody. There was 2 people on the phone line at least so we did a quick 1/2 hour meeting with all 3 of us sharing. Came home and Tess and I took a long walk though in reality it was a little scary as it really is friggin dark around this complex. Came back in to find a phone message from one of the Canadians explaining she couldn't come because she was exhausted and so on...fine fine...this meeting seems to be going to shit...I'd be surprised if it hangs on without disbanding as it just gets no play...it seems Tuesday night is not a good night for compulsive overeaters...maybe they're all home watching the biggest loser...Who TF knows?

Anyhow, went to the IVF class this morning. It was very informative and made me feel positive that there could possibly be more than the 3 tries depending on how many eggs are harvested. Harvest? Is that the right term? Anyhow I came back and googled the percentage rate of women my age (40) becoming pregnant with IVF...15% which isn't fooling anybody. That statistic sucks. I didn't realize it was that low and for IUI it is only 5%...who knew. Well, I'm gonna try and if it's not in the cards, it's not in the cards and I have to move forward with possibly adopting or doing whatever...I don't know what. I had a frank talk with God and told him I'm not sure what is going on with him and I ...what he wants me to do in this life but I pray he shows me the way. As sacrilegious as this may sound, I'm going to see a psychic tomorrow...hoping she can shed some light..it's cheating but I'm hard up right now plus I don't 100% believe..it's fun though and gives me hope that some day my prince may indeed come on a white horse and everything while sitting outside on a picnic bench..no?

Oh, I failed to mention I got my fucking period today...while taking progesterone mind you even though the doctor told me I wouldn't get it..I did...period is stronger than iron I tell you...bitch just keeps coming to rain on my parade..

Well, I've got Tess here munching away on a bullystick..she'll have to do as my child for now..she really is such a sweetheart. Love her to pieces. She sat so still today as I brushed her hair just enjoying it..so sweet that little princess..like a little angel from heaven. I swear God sent her special for me to love as she's been a joy even in times of real sadness for me..

Babies, Babies, everywhere, and not a drop to drink

I just got finished doing a home pregnancy test and of course..negative. It didn't hurt as much as last month but it hurts still. I finally talked to my mother again about the topic (lightly) and she responded with her usual "why don't you forget about that already?"..crazy woman. I think, if a crazy woman like her..someone with only the tiniest microscopic maternal instinct in her (and I'm giving this to her as really I don't think it's there but.., can have 4 children then why can't I, who wants one so bad and babies little Tess as if she were a human that sprouted from my loins? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to have one and my life is just supposed to be about coping with a disfunctional family and a fucked up job with fucked up coworkers and emotional tortures about food..... Really? That's it? I refuse to believe that, and if that's the case I need to change some of the above as that's just not enough. I remember a therapist suggesting that perhaps a hobby...okay a fucking hobby! Why is it that people with children look at us with no children and think that throwing us some crumb will do? A hobby, a dog (though I love Tess to pieces), babysitting for theirs (that's a good one), all those little nothings (except for the dog because I'm sorry dogs are close in my humble)..but what do I know!? Anyhow, I'm just venting. I just feel like I've been prodded and poked enough in my life...this too has to be a scientific exploration..really? And in the end what will I have? I can't help but think that it won't happen and in the end, I'll have nothing. Perhaps I'm a pessimist...though I don't normall think so..not really , more like a realist. Just feeling emotionally exhausted from this. I was talking to some chick who is using the same sperm donor as I am, a reall nice lady but it's her partner getting inseminated, and she told me they're on like try number 9...try number fucking 9...and she sounded okay with it. I guess maybe if you're with a partner it may be a little easier to get through it or if maybe your family was supportive or a combination of the two..again, what do I know? I don't. Maybe it's just as hard. Four follicles and a combined total of 20 million sperm and nothing. Am I crying, yes I am. Crying and blaming myself, my age, my weight, et cetera and yes yes, it'd probably be easier if I was thin though I know people in my boat..normal weight so who knows.

Anyhow, dropped the shrink this week which feels right and flying solo right now which also feels right. Going to IVF class Tuesday morning to sit with all the beautiful couples and not so beautiful couples and stew in my own shit.

Onwards and upwards or however that saying goes. Maybe if this doesn't happen, I just need something else in my life. I'm not sure what that could possibly be. I have 2 more years until I'm vested in the government insurance and then I can jet and still get it at retirement I believe. So changing careers is always an option though it requires more school...something that the thought of doesn't sound delicious. I also have my MSW degree I can fall back on though that doesn't call me the way it once did. I suppose we'll have to wait and see where the road leads.

Crabby, frustrated, and plain ol' feeling like shi#

I'm on progesterone which I'm not sure if I mentioned here earlier. I started Saturday and of course it has all kinds of side effects that are basically like exaggerated feelings of your period. I'm crabby as all heck and sensitive and then I fluctuate between the two emotions and just feel plain ol' crazy. I went to see the new therapist last week and again today. Perhaps I'm not in a good place to judge or what have you but this one is a dud as well...when you're cutting me off at every sentence to complete it with whatever is going on in your mind...ummm, yeah,..no!At this point I feel like giving up but I really hate the idea of not having a backup therapist in case I start to lose it. Co dependant? Perhaps but realize I don't exactly get prime adult interaction on a regular basis.. I minimally interact with my siblingss during the week except for "D" and that's not normal adult conversation. My friends all seem to be going through a crisis at the same time so it's not like they need to hear my pidley shit so a therapist is ideal for me and I've had one for most of my adult life. I also have to add that depression runs in my family big time so I also use it as a preventive so that I never sink into a funk too deep to climb out of.

Last night I hung with the Canadians..well, one Canadian and really you can consider her a civilian. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to do this, have a baby?" I told her I was pretty sure. She said that when she was my age (40) she didn't want to have a baby and now she regrets it every day of her life (she's in her early 60's). I told her that I've heard this from a lot of people. Jecca at work who I'm currently not really speaking to, is one of my big motivators for trying..I look at her and can't help but see a sad life. I realize I'm not her and our thinking is different but the end result is..living life for just yourself is not my idea of living life. For some people it may be enought to amass wealth, or have a big house..to me that's all just bull shit. Yes, I need some things but I'm definitely not a keeping up with the anybody kind of person. That's just not what my life is about. So I have to try. I'm currently in my two week wait and will test on Sunday. I don't think I am for whatever reason..I just get the feeling this is going to be as hard as possible for me. Time will tell.

2 a.m. and all's well

Feeling restless and not ready to go to sleep. I have had this crush on this guy for a really long time and haven't done shit about it mostly because of issues with this body. I have gained 60lbs in the last few years thanks to cancer and giving up the smokes (yeah, you give up smokes when the big C scares the crap out of you). So I went from feeling insecure about my overweight body to feeling complete disgust for my now ridiculous size body. I am currently failing miserably at weight watchers and am also trying OA. One of the chicks at OA just gave me this diet to follow which asks that you abstain from all sugar (including all artificial sweeteners..Yikes!), wheat, caffeine, dried fruits, and deli meats. I want to do it though I'm scared I won't be able to stick to it. This is how it goes.... Breakfast: plain oatmeal (or some other grain), one fruit serving, and one protien. Lunch: one grain, one  oil, one protien, two vegetable. Dinner: same as lunch. Nothing in between meals and that's it. Grains are oatmeal, brown rice, bulgar, and that sort of thing..no pasta which is fine. I tried plain oatmeal today to see if I could even give this a shot and it was palatable though I had to put a pinch of ground cinnamon..shit was somewhat nasty...but I've had worse. Gonna aim for Sunday as I have to buy protien. I'm not a vegetarian but eat very little meat...it grosses me out a little, plus cooking really isn't my strongest suit and really...why the frig should I cook for one person?? You end up throwing half the crap out. I usually do sandwich or some such thing. Anyhow, I digress, so thoughts of my crush popped into my head (were pushed into my head but that's TMI for this site) and made me a little sad. This baby thing signals the end of something for me and though I've made my peace with it, it's still once in a while pops into my head..... that I won't have the all american family that everyone expects to have. Why at the age of 40 am I still thinking about the all American family dream? If you have to ask you've never been 40 and single....that's the way the shit is...you don't have it, you may have wanted it, and though you realize you aint getting it...you still think hmmmm..would have been nice and that dream is over. Yes, I can still find someone but the dream of school, job, marriage, house, and family (and in that order) has to go away and I have to wake up to reality. Oh well...I can roll with it...but it is painful. I see the girls at work though that didn't have children and I don't want that for me... I can deal with no husband or man in my life but no children? That would be a devestating blow for me...something I don't even want to imagine. I have prepared myself though with the idea that if that were to happen, I would throw all my energy into rebuilding a new career for myself..either med school or vet school..one of the two. I'm older but I can still find the energy to give it a go...I can't not have children and stay at the dump where I work...I can have a child and stay but I can't have nothing in all areas of my life...We'll see I suppose.