Smoking....

I started smoking regularly when I was about 14 years old and I loved it..absolutely loved it, though towards the end, it scared the shit out of me. I officially quit smoking, oh I'd say about 3 or 4 years ago though in the past I'd occasionally have a drag when the shit hit the fan and I thought I couldn't deal with stuff. When you smoke, or when you're a smoker I should say, it gives you something definitive to do when you're stressed, upset, or otherwise unsure what to do with a particular emotion. For me it was always an alternative to eating and I admit it helped me lost weight when I tried to diet. Tonight, at a time where I would have liked to smoke I found myself eating mac and chees...I hate fucking mac and cheese and only had it in the house as Lexie loves it and she was watching Tess for me while I was away. I ate some, Tess ate some, and finally I tossed the shit realizing I was emotionally eating shit I didn't even like. Awesome. I haven't been to WW in about a month and I don't even want to go. It feels like it's not even helping to go and I feel like what would really help me is OA though why I haven't dragged my ass to a meeting is beyond. Well, the truth is, it's not exactly like my life has been anything but smooth but then again, whose life is?

I'm scared of my doctor's appointment with the new fertilility clinic. I think my weight is going to be an issue. And no matter how many times I say I'm going to lose some weight I continue to binge eat and try to assuage my feelings of whatever with food. It's my addiction and since I quit smoking it seems like I can't get a grasp on it at all. I'm constantly looking for that feeling of relief, the exhale out, the release of the tension, and no matter what I do it doesn't come. Part of me feels like maybe I'm self sabotaging, scared to live the life I've dreamt of dreaming. Who knows?

Smoking isn't going to help me with this one and I know they say when you quit one addiction you pick up another but in my case it's really that I picked up the pace on another one of my vices. What to do? I'm certainly not going to smoke again..that's out. I gotta find my way out of this one and I'm not sure how really. My therapist seems to have little to no experience with addiction of any kind so it's really not a resource. Gonna try to hit an OA meeting at least by next week. Will let you know if I make it.

Life's whirlwinds

So right before we left on our trip my father had gone into the hospital with a blood clot in his arm that caused it to swell to ridiculously large proportions. We thought he'd go in and that would be the end but apparently it triggered more damage to what had already occurred with the stroke and the dude began to hallucinate and become violent, was put on psychiatric meds and ultimately transferred to a nursing home where he is now. The hallucinations for the most part have subsided. When I tell you this is so unlike my father I cannot even explain. My father is one of those people who never gets their feathers ruffled...Never..Ever. Have never seen him explode in anger or yell a day in his life. When he's going to be an asshole to you he does it in a calm collected, piss you off even more way. It was needless to say a stressful trip as we'd left my younger sibling here alone with the situation and they were starting to unravel under the pressure. We visited him the same night we got in and the yesterday as well and he is so not the same but that's life I suppose. He's a skeleton and when we visited him yesterday he had just finished puking his guts out. We're hoping to get his new apartment set up as soon as the tenants move out though they're taking their sweet fucking time. On top of this his brother came in from the country he's from and he stopped by my mom's yesterday. I saw he was wearing my father's favorite baseball cap which pissed me off as last time he left with a brand new pair of my father's shoes. It seems everyone tries to take advantage of whatever situation they can. The women that are caring for him are not excluded from this, at least the overnight person seems to be. The day person seems to be excellent and I'm hoping this isn't all just an optical illusion.

As far as the trip went there's nothing much to say. Everyone was kind, everyone was broke. We gave out as much money to whichever family members seemed to need it the most but it's never really enough. What do you do? I would like to send my cousin Vanessa some money though it's awkward. She asked to borrow a few thousand from me earlier this year and I sent it to her with her promising to get it back to me this December which doesn't look likely. I'll send her some for Christmas though I know it'll never be the amount she needs. The economy over there is ridiculous really...what do you do? Aside from all that mess and I won't mention the gossip pool they've got rolling over there, we were stressed and quiet the entire trip knowing that my father over here was not well and my sib was falling apart. When we landed I could have kissed the fucking dirty ground I was so relieved and I slept the sleep of death on the cab ride home as I hadn't slept peacefully the whole trip...just an hour or two at a pop.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I went to see a psychic over there who said without a cleansing she didn't foresee me having any children or a marriage as someone had cursed me. Now I believe in psychics but this chick seemed to just be looking for $$ so I don't believe it...can't believe it. She said more about a spirit of a little girl floating around me trying to get to me but mostly I had to lead her in the right direction and I've been to my share where you don't have to say shit so..that was that. It was kind of scary as I'd never gone to a potions type of person but ... Whatever. Life is life and my thoughts are I'll try to make mine what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.

In a few weeks I go see the new doctor. I'm scared she won't take me. I was doing comparison success rates between that clinic and my old one but one of them used percentages and the other used fractions and Lord help me if I can try to figure it out. I did what I could mentally with my underutilized math and it seems like the new clinic has much better percentage rates but really I guess it's all up to God and the fates. Time will tell.

I'm tired from all of this but feel like I accomplished something just getting through it. I'm sure there's more to come and we'll see what that is.

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

Trudging along

I write less and less it seems mostly because what the fuck is there to write about? I have my appointment next month and I'm hoping she takes my case but I've read negative reviews about this doctor's bedside manner so I'm not hoping for much. One of the other girls who started trying around the same time with me is pregnant. She did it the old fashion way. So strange.  She started trying and was using my same guy. She met someone on match.com and actually talked to me about it asking me what she should do. I told her fuck the sperm, go for the guy because really, truthfully, that's really what most people want; the whole enchilada..not just part of it..and she did. She ended up marrying the dude maybe 2 months ago and voila, just like that, she is pregnant. Yup, just like that...just like it's supposed to happen. The whole enchilada. And yes, I had to block her shit from my Facebook page. I just can't read it.

Yesterday, my coworker Jill brought her baby in. The kid is about 1 1/2 or something like that and an absolute doll. She was wearing these pink footie pajamas and had a pony tail and was drinking from a baby bottle and looked just precious...like a sweet angel. I said to Mattie this week while flipping through Pinterest crap, that's what's the hardest, to see the little things people do with their kid and know that it won't be you. Dress them up, read to them, help them with whatever, get ready for the holidays...all those sweet sweet things. Jill's little girl would smile and then run to Jill and cling to her leg..it was just precious really and just sweet. That's what I'll miss if I never have a child, the sweetness of the every day crap.

So onward we go, trudging through this life. Next week I have to fly to see my relatives and do the whole confirmation thing. Not looking forward to it really...just want to be home and I haven't even left yet. Been checking to see if my fertility doctor gave birth...is that some sick shit or what...I don't know who's sicker..me or the fates that when I'm trying to conceive this doctor ends up getting pregnant..that is so my life right there.

Anyhow, that's it for now. I have a ton of other shit going on in my life but alas my hands have taken a beating this week...so I'll say goodbye for now.