Another lovely weekend with the family that ended up with my getting into a heated argument with my youngest sib. This is my version of it, and I say my version because I'm sure my sib sees it differently. So, we're all sitting around the table eating a late lunch/early dinner. I'm on one end near the phone, my mother is on the other with a sibling sitting on either side of her. The phone rings for the millionth time, I take it and hand it to my mother. My sib, sitting to the right of her snatches it from my hand roughly and says hello, apparently exasperated that I didn't say hello and answer it. I shake my head, give them a look and then try to not give it too much mind though I realize it's no longer a pleasant place for me. The phone rings again, I hand it to my sibling who while reaching for it informs me, "you might have to come back tomorrow to help dad with the meds". I say to my other sib who has my ipad and had been downloading something, "Okay, I think it's time for me to go". Sibling with the phone now yells, "Fine. I'll do it. Dammit, you don't want to do anything. I'll do it myself". I say, I've really had enough here today, between having a phone snatched from my hand, and being told what I'm going to be doing. They proceed to scream that they didn't tell me what to do rather they said I might be doing it. I'm yelling now and say what you're supposed to do is ask me if I might be willing to do it. They proceed to denigrate me and tell me I'm mean, I'm nasty, I need meds, I'm a million things. I say they need to look at their own behavior and they repeat the same sentence to me. I said I just said that to you. I go to my car, unload my father's groceries, come back inside and tell them yelling really that I don't need them to be abusive towards me, always sniping, always zinging, they try throwing it back at me and I lose it and tell them I'm tired of their fucking picking on me games, their self righteousness. It's how I feel. I apologize to D who I know will be upset, apologize to my mother for the scene and leave. The thing is I'm not really angry. I'm hurt. I don't know what makes ,my sibling think they can talk to me this way and disregard me because I live close by and just because. I drive home shaking. And listen, could I be wrong about all this? Yes. Yes, I could. But I would never say to my sib, 'you may have to do such and such'....they wouldn't even go for it. I'm just tired of that particular sibling's shit. My therapist believes their behavior is due to their bipolar disorder but why is it I"m always the one left to feel crazy?
So I came home and tried to calm myself down, ate half a huge bag of kettle corn or however you spell it popcorn. Chilled for a little while, received a call from the court to say they would not be open tomorrow due to the hurricane (shit really?), went grocery shopping, dyed my hair even though it was kind of super late to be blow drying it and jumped on here to finish this post.
I"m hoping to go into work tomorrow, finish some statistics I'm working on that my boss is pissed that I still haven't submitted and then hightail it home if it's not super busy. I suppose I'll have to wait and see. I have a bunch of candles in case the lights go out and I'm going to try and collect some water tomorrow in one of my big storage bins so if I lose water I can at least flush the toilet. I have about 4 gallons of drinking water which I think (hope) should be fine and that folks, is my weekend in a nutshell. We'll see what the week brings.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Stalking and other crazy shit I do
So I'm at the hospital waiting for my mom to get out of surgery....story of my life...this hospital plays a lullaby every time a baby is born...awesome! I go to the bathroom in time to see a man pulling up the car to take his newborn home for the first time....more awesome....pregnancy women everywhere ...fucking fantastic...there's no safe place here to hide...a virtual war zone for the infertile.
What most people do in the hospital is wait so I came prepared with my trusty IPAD... did a little stalking to see if my fertility doctor gave birth.....another lullaby goes off...mother fucker...and on my doctor's site she has as her background an egg being inseminated by a trillion sperm and it's like an arrow to my heart that somehow ricochets to my stomach and I want to write her a message saying, instead of showing off with what you do, practice chick....but I know that in reality it has nothing to do with her...it's me and my old rotten eggs...it's life and it hurts...but it's real. Shit.
What most people do in the hospital is wait so I came prepared with my trusty IPAD... did a little stalking to see if my fertility doctor gave birth.....another lullaby goes off...mother fucker...and on my doctor's site she has as her background an egg being inseminated by a trillion sperm and it's like an arrow to my heart that somehow ricochets to my stomach and I want to write her a message saying, instead of showing off with what you do, practice chick....but I know that in reality it has nothing to do with her...it's me and my old rotten eggs...it's life and it hurts...but it's real. Shit.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Catching up
I've been hanging on in therapy. I was going to quit..as usual..but we've begun delving into some shit from the past and I think it's something I've needed to do for some time. We've talked about the abusive shit with my parents, which I frankly never considered that horrific, but when you verbalize crap it really wakes you up and makes you realize how crazy it really was. The therapist was shocked which frankly shocked me but there it is. She said something that was interesting to me as my mother, who spent countless years in therapy herself, always mentioned her therapist saying; I'm shocked you turned out so well. Sends chills down my spine that my therapist uttered these exact words. Anyhow, the past is the past and childhood for most people is traumatic, at least in my opinion. So I'm hanging in hoping to exorcise some of these demons from my soul.
I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.
So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.
I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.
I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.
So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.
I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Blessed (hate this word but..)
I hate the word blessed. I feel like it's overused and for whatever reason I just don't like it. I don't hate the meaning behind it and I wish there was another word for it but there really isn't.
Anyhow, how I ended up choosing the fertility clinic where I was going was because Kay had a friend, also working for the government, who is a lesbian and had children using donor sperm with this clinic. Her name is Stacy who has a wife Eve. They have 2 children a boy and a girl who are beautiful and she had them with minimal problems. So when I started on this journey, Kay called up Stacy and asked her for the info and she set me up with all of it, the sperm bank, the clinic, the whole enchilada...grateful grateful blessed.. We (Kay and me) bump into her today on our way to the parking lot going on our lunch breaks and she asks me what's up with the fertility. I explain I have an appointment in December at a new place and blah blah blah... donor eggs..blah blah... She says, you know, I have an embryo still at the clinic...she pauses and thinks...says it'd be weird for me to have a full sibling of her kids and then says...you know, if I'm not mistaken I have several eggs stored away if you want them... I say Stace...maybe you better think about this and get back to me...I mean we're outside in the parking lot while you're sitting in your hot van...she says, no, I'm fine with it, I can't do the embryo as that's too weird but the eggs would be fine..no different than using donor sperm, though I'm not sure if they're still there she says...I ask her if she'd check...Yeah, yeah...I will. Just like that. Can you imagine? That's the second offer someone gives me of their eggs. That's 2 egg donor people who in truth don't even know me that well at all....how blessed am I? It's more than luck so it's blessed...even if I can't stand the word.
I don't know Stacy that well...at all really other than what I mentioned up above and that she hates one of the girls who I supervise who is also a lesbian...had a relationship with Eve at one point I believe...anyhow, I wanted to talk to Kay about it but as usual when I got back to the office after the break it was all balls to the wall with back to back work. Kay mentioned on our way out the door how we hadn't had a chance to talk about it, and I said I'd wanted to talk to her about it too. Kay is like the equivalent to my husband/partner at this point as she's been there for me like you wouldn't believe... a friend like no other really...couldn't get a better friend.
My thoughts are this...and yes a little negative but real..always keeping it real so I don't really hurt myself...I'll definitely take the eggs if they still exist...it'll be a bit weird as Stacy is Jewish and looks absolutely nothing like me but I know this about her; she's good people...kind and level headed...I also know that frozen eggs don't usually result in a pregnancy...but it's a shot.
As much as pregnancy hasn't happened for me I can't help but think that one of the following is true; Either, A) God is giving me all these blessings because He really wants me to have a child or B) He's giving me all these chances to show me that no matter what, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm of course hoping it's A. I suppose time will tell.
Right now my next goal is trying to get myself healthy...just vitamin level wise as all my levels are whacked and also I found a lump that I have to have checked....it's been there for several months and my doctor found it too...so mammogram it is. I really hope it's nothing. If it's the big C again I can't continue with fertility. It wouldn't be fair to a child as it would then seem to me that my chances of living long would not be good...how many times can you get C and win? I don't know. If there were a baby daddy perhaps I'd feel differently but there isn't so..
So that's that. Life never ceases to amaze me and people never cease to amaze me though I think if I had some eggs stored away and my babies were made already I could probably give them as a gift. I didn't think I could a little bit ago but now, I think so...I really do. I'm grateful today. Grateful and in awe...Just when I think people are shit...someone comes along and screams Not all of us! and ain't that the truth.
Anyhow, how I ended up choosing the fertility clinic where I was going was because Kay had a friend, also working for the government, who is a lesbian and had children using donor sperm with this clinic. Her name is Stacy who has a wife Eve. They have 2 children a boy and a girl who are beautiful and she had them with minimal problems. So when I started on this journey, Kay called up Stacy and asked her for the info and she set me up with all of it, the sperm bank, the clinic, the whole enchilada...grateful grateful blessed.. We (Kay and me) bump into her today on our way to the parking lot going on our lunch breaks and she asks me what's up with the fertility. I explain I have an appointment in December at a new place and blah blah blah... donor eggs..blah blah... She says, you know, I have an embryo still at the clinic...she pauses and thinks...says it'd be weird for me to have a full sibling of her kids and then says...you know, if I'm not mistaken I have several eggs stored away if you want them... I say Stace...maybe you better think about this and get back to me...I mean we're outside in the parking lot while you're sitting in your hot van...she says, no, I'm fine with it, I can't do the embryo as that's too weird but the eggs would be fine..no different than using donor sperm, though I'm not sure if they're still there she says...I ask her if she'd check...Yeah, yeah...I will. Just like that. Can you imagine? That's the second offer someone gives me of their eggs. That's 2 egg donor people who in truth don't even know me that well at all....how blessed am I? It's more than luck so it's blessed...even if I can't stand the word.
I don't know Stacy that well...at all really other than what I mentioned up above and that she hates one of the girls who I supervise who is also a lesbian...had a relationship with Eve at one point I believe...anyhow, I wanted to talk to Kay about it but as usual when I got back to the office after the break it was all balls to the wall with back to back work. Kay mentioned on our way out the door how we hadn't had a chance to talk about it, and I said I'd wanted to talk to her about it too. Kay is like the equivalent to my husband/partner at this point as she's been there for me like you wouldn't believe... a friend like no other really...couldn't get a better friend.
My thoughts are this...and yes a little negative but real..always keeping it real so I don't really hurt myself...I'll definitely take the eggs if they still exist...it'll be a bit weird as Stacy is Jewish and looks absolutely nothing like me but I know this about her; she's good people...kind and level headed...I also know that frozen eggs don't usually result in a pregnancy...but it's a shot.
As much as pregnancy hasn't happened for me I can't help but think that one of the following is true; Either, A) God is giving me all these blessings because He really wants me to have a child or B) He's giving me all these chances to show me that no matter what, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm of course hoping it's A. I suppose time will tell.
Right now my next goal is trying to get myself healthy...just vitamin level wise as all my levels are whacked and also I found a lump that I have to have checked....it's been there for several months and my doctor found it too...so mammogram it is. I really hope it's nothing. If it's the big C again I can't continue with fertility. It wouldn't be fair to a child as it would then seem to me that my chances of living long would not be good...how many times can you get C and win? I don't know. If there were a baby daddy perhaps I'd feel differently but there isn't so..
So that's that. Life never ceases to amaze me and people never cease to amaze me though I think if I had some eggs stored away and my babies were made already I could probably give them as a gift. I didn't think I could a little bit ago but now, I think so...I really do. I'm grateful today. Grateful and in awe...Just when I think people are shit...someone comes along and screams Not all of us! and ain't that the truth.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Coworkers...(I use that word lightly and in an effort to be p.c.)
Today was a day from hell. I came in early as I usually do on Wednesdays and Thursdays and though I've told her repeatedly not to, in comes Mattie during my only 2 quiet hours of my work week. I try to move on and I'm sitting at my desk reading an investigation and return it to Jo-ann who I've mentioned before on here. They call her crazy Jo-ann but in truth she's anything but. To say she beats to her own drum is an understatement and her story is a sad one of serious abuse. Physical and sexual but I'll leave it at that for the sake of her own privacy though of course her name has been changed. So Jo-ann is in an ultra wacky argumentative mood and debating about who she is willing to share her notes with and other such nonsense...she's snappy which is unusual for her. A short while later she comes to my office to apologize and explain she is in the process of miscarrying...what?...miscarrying...yup...at work and she's acting like it's nothing and trying to finish up several investigations that she's working on. She explains she didn't tell me she was pregnant as she didn't want to upset me considering my situation and all the shit happening with my father. I try to be supportive and tell her next time just tell me. She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time though she was going the traditional root...well, traditional for Jo-ann...she was trying with her one boyfriend last year and then when she switched boyfriends began trying with him...unbeknownst to him of course. She's 42 btw.... So she's sitting in my office in super pain and I'm flooded with questions from other coworkers as I try to listen to her and read at the same time. Finally it's 9 and Mattie comes to sit inside the office...she sits at another desk until 9 as this is the compromise for coming in before she's technically working... It sounds fucked up of me and maybe it is but I get 2 hours of quiet alone time to do work and believe me I need it so as fucked up as it is...shit happens..
The day continues...I'm reading like a fiend in my office...trying to get shit done when in comes this crazy ass biotch Brenda. Now if you want to meet crazy, Brenda is your gal...mood swings and paranoia galore. Aside from this she's the slowest gal in the North....my entire team will be hauling ass and she's in her office polishing her nails or whatever it is she does....it pisses everyone off and though I've tried to get her to haul ass and she's been confronted about her productivity by coworkers...shit doesn't seem to move her. So she comes to my office and says she's changing her plan for time off...her and her husband both work with me and yes, I'm both of their bosses...fun fun. I give her the time slips and she makes the changes though I explain you need to put the new times on a new slip. She looks at me sideways...typical and I should have known. She says okay but in that slow way people do when they're confused....ohhkaaayy.... twisting her lips...she leaves my office comes back in with the slips and says, Not to be obnoxious but if you're worried about seniority nobody in this department has more seniority then me and proceeds to flick the forms on my desk...At this point other people walk in and there's Mattie with her mouth in an O at the audacity of the chick... Long story short after people leave my office I go and confront her and doesn't the bitch tear me a new asshole? Tells me I'm mean, that I walk around with my chest puffed out, and that I'm abusive..on and on she goes not letting me speak at all...total bully tactic... Now, hold up here I'm thinking... I barely even speak to my staff because they're so abusive it's not worth my mental health. I go back and forth with her and finally have to walk away. I go speak to the director who yesses me to death and I'm sure will take Brenda's side as soon as she hauls ass over there and do everything in my power to not let this chick rent space in my head for the rest of the day. I write an account of what happened in a file folder on my desktop...saved along with other situations where these people find it completely appropriate to tell of their boss...and hey I did it once too, told off my boss so who the fuck am I...it was for a completely different and 1000% more serious reason but it is what it is and my boss has hated me since...oh well.
There are too many days ruined by my coworker and it's really my fault because I let it get to me. It hurts me, they hurt me, though today, thankfully, it didn't hurt as much as she tried to say that I'm mean and I know this isn't true..not even a little bit...she was grasping.
Anyhow, that was the day. Jo-ann getting pregnant hurt only a teeny bit because I like her so much. She wouldn't hurt a fly though she really is different than anybody else I know.. I worry about having a baby...worry worry worry...like some crazed obsessive..but there it is...it's like my life is in limbo waiting for the baby that might never come...waiting and waiting and waiting..drowning in this life that at times seems pointlessly painful.
The day continues...I'm reading like a fiend in my office...trying to get shit done when in comes this crazy ass biotch Brenda. Now if you want to meet crazy, Brenda is your gal...mood swings and paranoia galore. Aside from this she's the slowest gal in the North....my entire team will be hauling ass and she's in her office polishing her nails or whatever it is she does....it pisses everyone off and though I've tried to get her to haul ass and she's been confronted about her productivity by coworkers...shit doesn't seem to move her. So she comes to my office and says she's changing her plan for time off...her and her husband both work with me and yes, I'm both of their bosses...fun fun. I give her the time slips and she makes the changes though I explain you need to put the new times on a new slip. She looks at me sideways...typical and I should have known. She says okay but in that slow way people do when they're confused....ohhkaaayy.... twisting her lips...she leaves my office comes back in with the slips and says, Not to be obnoxious but if you're worried about seniority nobody in this department has more seniority then me and proceeds to flick the forms on my desk...At this point other people walk in and there's Mattie with her mouth in an O at the audacity of the chick... Long story short after people leave my office I go and confront her and doesn't the bitch tear me a new asshole? Tells me I'm mean, that I walk around with my chest puffed out, and that I'm abusive..on and on she goes not letting me speak at all...total bully tactic... Now, hold up here I'm thinking... I barely even speak to my staff because they're so abusive it's not worth my mental health. I go back and forth with her and finally have to walk away. I go speak to the director who yesses me to death and I'm sure will take Brenda's side as soon as she hauls ass over there and do everything in my power to not let this chick rent space in my head for the rest of the day. I write an account of what happened in a file folder on my desktop...saved along with other situations where these people find it completely appropriate to tell of their boss...and hey I did it once too, told off my boss so who the fuck am I...it was for a completely different and 1000% more serious reason but it is what it is and my boss has hated me since...oh well.
There are too many days ruined by my coworker and it's really my fault because I let it get to me. It hurts me, they hurt me, though today, thankfully, it didn't hurt as much as she tried to say that I'm mean and I know this isn't true..not even a little bit...she was grasping.
Anyhow, that was the day. Jo-ann getting pregnant hurt only a teeny bit because I like her so much. She wouldn't hurt a fly though she really is different than anybody else I know.. I worry about having a baby...worry worry worry...like some crazed obsessive..but there it is...it's like my life is in limbo waiting for the baby that might never come...waiting and waiting and waiting..drowning in this life that at times seems pointlessly painful.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Catching up
My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.
I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..
When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...
So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in. I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose.
On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.
I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..
When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...
So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in. I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose.
On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.
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