Mother, part Deux

I'm not going to say I'm surprised by this lady's reaction. I go to her house, pick up D and explain I need her to watch Tess. She says she wants to go. I offer to pay for a cab to take D herself as I can't leave Tess alone for another 2-3 hours today. Like any good mother, she threw a fit. Threw her purse and actually said, "I never get to go anywhere". Mind you she was out all morning to her own Dr.'s appointment and then to a fast food restaurant. If you ever call and find the lady home it's an absolute miracle. So she throws her fit and I say, "mom, I can only take D from now on to their appointments if you are watching Tess, otherwise I can't do it. I can't do that to an animal so the choice is yours. Either find a way to take D yourself or stay with Tess". She immediately calms down and says "fine, go". So I go. D is upset and it takes the next 5-10 minutes to get them to calm down. You're thinking, it would probably been easier to just take her and make Tess suffer...I used to think like this too. But she'll take over you're whole life where you don't have a chance to breathe as you'll be too busy breathing for her. This is a person who you cannot converse with as it always leads to a laundry list of things to do and the conversation cannot be maintained unless it's specifically and only about her... Growing up my father used to make the excuse for her that "she doesn't know how to love, she never learned how to love" ..yeah that shit gets old. That was my day.

Mother

So I'm writing this real quick to get it off my chest and move on and though it may sound petty, it's irritating me. I have to take "D" to see their doctor, which is fine. D and I have a great relationship and I enjoy the time we spend together however upon discussing it this past weekend my mother immediately wants to make plans around my trip scheduling her own appointments so that I can take her. I told her no...I felt guilty of course and as usual, called her later in the week and told her to schedule the appointment. So today, D calls to ask me what time they should bathe and what they need to do (you have to say to D..wash your face with soap, wash your privates with soap..put on clean clothes..and so on). I tell D, ask mom if she has scheduled her appt for the same time. D puts mother on the phone where she explains she went already as they didn't have a time that coincided with D's appt. So I say, okay well would you mind watching Tess while I take D to the appt as Tess has been alone all day. She tells me but her plan was to go along for the ride. Now..this might not be a big deal to anyone but I had this same conversation with her last time. I need her to watch the dog when I am with D because my dog spends all day by herself Monday through Friday and it really isn't fair to her. I get angry that she doesn't give a shit that we sacrifice for her child but she can't think beyond her own wants..now dont' think it would stop with a ride to the doctor just because she wants to go along, she will inevitably ask you to stop at the supermarket, pharmacy, or whatever else she has on her agenda. What makes me angriest is that not once have I been able to take D to an appointment without feeling some sort of guilt that I'm neglecting my mother in some way...not once. It can't just be that D and I enjoy ourselves without some bullshit guilt trip that this lady will give you. Love her, but she is a pain in the asspirin. My sister says, Gem, what do you expect, if it's not about her she hasn't considered it...so she's inconsiderate and we have to put up with it? She says she's lonely all the time however she's so verbally abusive to her friends none of them want to talk to her...it was different when my father was around as for whatever reason she was more in check...I don't know. Just had to vent that out. So my plan is to take Tess, tell mother she's staying with the dog and take D. Heartless? Maybe it is...I'll be living with the guilt or anger either way for the rest of the day or week.

Hormones?

I've been feeling shitty the last two days. Not sick shitty just emotionally shitty. Work has been hard and I've been keeping my shit clean, staying away, not talking to anyone, I really have, but they come to me and sometimes it's just part of the job. There's a portion of my job that I'm not that great at. I was never involved in this type of work before in my life and was never trained how to do it so it was basically baptism by fire..jump in and do it...except I don't really do it, my job is to answer questions for people who do it, so I'm on the fringes of the job all the time and so that's all I know..the fringes of the job. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't take advantage of the fact that I don't know it...today though, I didn't let them bully me into letting them not do shit, making excuses using rules I know nothing about, I called someone who knows their shit who works at the very top, though doesn't work for my agency, and sure as shit, I was right, they were trying to get away with not doing it out of laziness and the shit with that is that it's my ass. I am going to make a supreme effort to try and catch up with all my work (I've been behind for about a year due to mass quantities of work and also, I'll admit dragging my ass due to resenting the fact that they give me more...I mentioned there's no love loss right?), anyhow today I said, Gem, you're going to have to work double time, give more work to other people, and you're going to get down in the trenches and learn this job from the bottom up. I don't know how I'll pull this off as when I tell you I get shit loads of work, it's shit loads. A colleague asked me how I choose what to work on first and asked if I made a list. No list, it's whatever is worrying my stomach the most. The pressure is at times incredible and too often I find myself panicked and overwhelmed. Ms. Mattie asked me the other day if I had a special manual to answer everyone's questions. I asked her why she asked and she said she assumed they'd given me some special manual as everyone bugs me all day long...no, there's no friggin manual...been looking for a special manual. I used to try to explain to the boss how I needed help, that I couldn't keep up with it and she'd shrug her shoulders...so I stopped giving a shit so much about it too....fuck it..it's ultimately her head and one time when expressed feeling worried that something wasn't finished and asked if I could rush, I shrugged my shoulders...ballsy but hey, wtf? now you're panicked?...That's reason number a million she hates me but mostly cause I call her out on her shit and I'll do it in front of others...it's gotten that ugly.There's been more shit that has happened this week that I'm just too tired to get into...just the drama of work which I will at some times express here and sometimes not.
Anyhow I got lucky today and had a Dr.'s appt after work so left an hour earlier than usual. Again my Dr. made me feel great. She is so psyched that I'm trying to get pregnant. I can't help but be surprised. But she's sees all my blood work and though all of my levels are low in terms of vitamins she told me to just add some D to the pre-natals, and continue with the B-12 injections and I should be good to go so... :) She said to me, you know, before you have a baby your job is important, your friends are important, men are important, but all of that goes away when you have a baby..the only thing that is important is your baby. That seemed so wonderful to me. I'm going to say something that perhaps sounds stupid but ...when I first got Tess, I was scared I wouldn't love her enough. But now she is so precious to me, I love her dearly even though I know she's just a dog, I never thought I could love a dog like this..now I know, this aint no baby but I'm responsible for her and I love her more than I thought so when a baby does come along, I can't imagine what that'll feel like to love like that. The way the Dr. looked when she said it, made it sound so precious, and tender, and just beautiful.
That was the end of my day and it ended in a good way. The rest of the day I stayed in except for a late day walk with Tess who didn't want to be outside for whatever reason.

Frienemies and the Canadians

I'm ending my day with an uneasy feeling in the middle of my chest. There were several minor interactions with others that left me feeling angry, shitty, paranoid, unsure. I also recognize that I'm ovulating today or thereabouts so it could just be that I'm being sensitive.

Tonight was my night with the Canadians and it wasn't the usual crew. The girl who was there setting up is someone who hadn't been there in a while and I get the impression she is looking down her nose at me..not friendly at all. I was getting myself upset in the beginning of the meeting whereas usually as soon as I get to this meeting I feel somewhat peaceful and calm. Anyhow as the meeting progressed, she loosened up. My friend Rivfka was there which was good..she's the one who gave me the food plan, and she's cool people even though she doesn't think so. She puts herself down all the time meanwhile, she's adorable. She must be all of 5' tall and maybe 115-120lbs. with beautiful blue eyes and she keeps herself real nice for an older lady. She has a dark brown wig that doesn't suit her but otherwise she looks like a doll. Anyhow, she kind of softened the other chick up on me, explaining I've been helping the meeting out. I actually committed to taking care of all the paperwork which is a big deal for me as I don't like to be tied down to any type of thing. Thing is I need this meeting. You know when you quit smokes or booze, you never have to go back to it..food you do, so though it's a similar feeling of withdrawal, I am doubly tempted to cheat and just eat what I want. Rifka told me I can call her daily and 'commit to abstinence'. So weird to hear her say that as it feels like such an ominous word to me...'commit to abstinence'..shit.

On the work front,a colleague of mine,Jecca, who was once a close friend, has befriended my boss. They're so close in fact they now go out after work and the like. I recognize one of their commonalities to be that they are both in their own way social climbers though one for work reasons, and another for the prestige of being seen with these bigwigs. Anyhow, though my colleague and I still talk I'm ashamed to say that I don't trust her..I still talk to her but I don't trust her. Our relationship changed when she posted something on facebook that was an untruth and could have negatively impacted my career. She explained to another co-worker that she'd been drunk and didn't know what she had written, and also tried to explain this to me, but I told her to let's just move on, and forget about it. The thing is, I haven't exactly forgotten about it. I didn't want an explanation because I didn't want to hear her lie to me and tell me she was drunk because I had spoken to her a few minutes prior and she appeared to be quite sober. Anyhow, so today she came to my office and began to describe what a great time she had while hanging out with the boss...Really? I need to hear this shit? I managed to push her out and tell her I couldn't talk at that moment, that I had shit I needed to get done. Also bothering me with this chick is that because I've been using larger than usual amounts of sick time ( I never usually use any) she asked me point blank if I was trying to have a kid. See that's the shit crap and they know how you roll. So, caught off guard, I told her I was thinking about it but a few days later when she bought up the topic again, explained I didn't think I could try as my levels are off, (I have issues with vitamin absorption and with my thyroid hormone levels). I don't think she fully believed me. Tonight she sent me a text with pics of twins and stated, this is going to be you. I texted her back that maybe in a year or two. Two things bother me about this situation; one: the fact that I am lying, and two: the fact that I tend to pride myself on not being two-faced...and hello I'm faking a friendship. I'm stuck though as it would be career suicide to end the "friendship" as she knows too much about me. I'm doing that paranoid thing where you examine every detail of what this person may know about you. It's can't be much I'm thinking because I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person and also tend to do shit by the books but nevertheless, I'm still scared. There's another part of me that feels bad for this chick. She has no real friends, no children (she's in her 50's) and is widowed from her husband (he was 24 years older). She complains all the time about her situation, about feeling lonely and that she is alone but she hasn't nurtured any friendships. And let me tell you, she really is aware of being alone. She is representative to me of all the things I never want to be. Nonetheless and the bottom line is that this situation is uncomfortable and really leaves me feeling not good. Not sure what to do with this stuff.

Food

So this new food plan I'm trying is sort of kicking my ass and sort of getting me in line. This feels very similar to when I quit smoking two years ago and you get that irritable feeling where you know if you just took one hit of a smoke you'd be okay. I sort of changed the food plan slightly only because my body can't tolerate the quantity of vegetables it's suggesting and I wouldn't be able to make it through the work day comfortably.

This is what I had today:

Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.

Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).

(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)

coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)

Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple

This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.

I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.

I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..

 Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.

I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.

Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.

Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.



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Here we go again

Sunday night and the anxiety sets in and I wonder when this feeling will finally stop. Every Sunday it starts at the pit of my stomach knowing what's coming the next day.... Monday. I think the hardest part of Monday is that you have so long to go. They say whenever something is difficult to take it one day at a time and if that's too much, take it one hour at a time, and you break it down from there until it's down to what you can manage. I use this technique at work. I do intervals of time and cross them off. 9 to 10:30, whew nothing, 10:30 to 12, nothing, and so on.

My first day of work in this joint should have clued me off. They had bought in a mediator to try to resolve some of the conflicts within the department. The guy, after trying to come off like a buddy to the workers, got clobbered and after a few weeks of this shit, he abandoned ship and joined the opposing team. Smart dude...asshole! but smart dude. During this guys "seminar" someone stood up and spoke of feeling that he had to wear armor when he walked into work each day and I thought, 'how thin skinned can you be?'...well, here I am every Sunday thinking should I take a pill to sleep? Should I call out? Running scared like a person I never thought I'd be. When I'm in there and it gets ugly and one of those biotches decides it's give it to Gem day, I fight back, but it leaves me tired. I'm tired of doing it. I've taken to shutting my door half way. I use my 15 minute breaks to close my door completely and listen to relaxation tapes to get me through...it's like that. Using anything I can think of to get me through..keeping conversation with people to a minimum...answering my bosses email with one word "okay" or "yes" to avoid anything that may open a space for her to jump in and play her games. I'm not the only one she does this to which makes me feel better...sick but true...it makes me feel better because I know it's not in my head. She does the opposite of what I call a bop and burp. I used to work with addicts and any time you had to say something bad to them or that would upset them we'd tell them the negative thing and then you say something nice...bop and burp. My boss does the burp and bop....she acts nice and asks for help and then when you give it to her she gives you a reprimand. She did it to her secretary Ann when Ann left her a note trying to help her out... the boss thanked her and then reprimanded her....the secretary was so upset she took the note home to show her husband and then showed it to me..and she did it to one of the other guys..Ridiculous. So I now keep conversation to an absolute minimum. She needs help, I give her the bare minimum. I give everyone there except for a few who've proven to be friends, the bare minimum.

You know what's weird is that as soon as I get there the anxiety shifts; it doesn't go away but it changes. My attitude changes. I'm in protective mode when I'm there. You wouldn't even recognize me I'm so different..stiff, quiet, feeling-less, a shell. It doesn't always stay this way though and there are too many days when, by the end of the day, I feel like I'm physically vibrating. I can't jump in my car fast enought, and the feeling of wanting to be home is at times one of overwhelming desperation, of wanting to feel safe in my little place. As soon as I see Tess some of that goes away. If it's really bad I hug her until I'm back, until I can exhale and leave it behind me.

My friend Diana said to me the other day, when she met me in the parking lot to drop something off for me, that when I turned around to go back in the building she felt she didn't know how I could walk in. She said she felt scared for me. I found that funny for whatever reason.

I wanted to talk a little about my friend Diana but I'm suddenly exhausted..Another time I suppose.

Crazy food addiction

So I decided to start trying to follow the 90 day OA plan (no flour, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no whatever the frick) today. I started my day off with a bowl of plain oatmeal flavored with a little cinnamon, a cup of coffee which is not allowed, and minus the fruit as my stomach can't deal with fruit and I had to go to Weight watchers this a.m. So breakfast was fine...ate it and felt fine. I go to WW, lost 3.8 lbs (no celebration as this is the 4 I gained last week with my friggin period), ran to my friend's house who had pregnancy books for me, and ran home starving. I wanted to stop and buy some fish as I thought it'd be nice to have fish, brown rice and some spinach or other veg but of course was too hungry to start shopping so I came home, put a few baby potatoes to nuke, scrambled an egg along with a container of egg white, and sauteed some broccolli with onions and peppers. (I mixed the eggs with the broccolli and put some reduced fat cheese on top). Ate all of that and felt that crazy feeling you get when you need a little sugar or a cracker or piece of bread so had a piece of fruit..still no good. So I'm sitting here with my bottle of seltzer saying "listen you crazy animal..settle down now, settle down".

 If you haven't spent your entire life dieting, researching dieting, learning about compulsive overeating, and why people who are fat stay fat, you're probably thinking, wtf is wrong with this chick? But whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, thinking that the person just has to diet and excercise, is somewhat primitive and ignorant; if you have half a brain cell, you'd have to acknowledge that there is more to the problem than that but my point is not to lecture..my point is: I have a serious problem with food. Now you're probably thinking I'm one of those people that have to be forklifted out of my house...that's not the case at all as I excercise daily and have a regular life, and though I'm overweight it's not stand out overweight...
nonetheless, my addiction to food is very real, very heart breaking, very painful.

How I first made the final decision to start trying to get pregnant was related to my weight. Last month I'm at the doctor's office..my regular G.P. and she is flipping through my chart commenting that I've gained a tremendous amount of weight in the last few years.."How come?" she says. "Cancer and quitting smoking", I say. She nods. I explain how I can't seem to get it off and she says "have you considered...", "Lap band", I say. "Yes" she says. I explain that I am now at a crossroads in my life where though I have considered lap band I would like to have a child though I'm uncertain if perhaps I'm too overweight? "Oh no", she says.."go have your baby. Lap band can wait a few years". and right there I could have cried with joy...I cry as I write this. So here I am ..day one of the OA 90 day, struggling but still trying as I know the lighter I am the better off I am.

I've been going to OA for about maybe 5 months however I only go to one meeting. It's a meeting made up of mostly Orthodox jewish women which is fine with me as I am able to keep my identity on the DL (I know a lot of people and they know me right back and they're the good, the bad, and the ugly). So this meeting with these women, who are too kind to the Puerto Rican girl who shows up each week, give me strength, hope, and the will to keep trying to lose with the help of God and the sisterhood who transcends all Religions, and all cultures.

I mentioned in another post that I had experienced something traumatic. I'm not going to go into detail but suffice is to say it happened at work, it was an incident of bullying and emotional abuse by a male colleague, and depending who you speak to, you may or may not feel I deserved it. Doesn't really matter as I've made my peace with that issue as well. As I had previously described, it left me feeling like a dog that'd been run over on the street and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover. I found a new therapist who has been supportive (of course she is retiring in a month), who suggested OA and though I was resistant, I trust this lady. I met her after my regular therapist who I'd been seeing for years emotionally abandoned me, and I had tried some other chick who insisted on speaking with a baby voice unless I reminded her that I needed her to talk to me regular (you think I'm effing kidding? I'm not.). Picture being at one of your darkest moments and everywhere you turn you encounter what appears to be crazy. You know those horror movies where there's a person who is scared and running and they keep bumping into some distorted clown figure or the like? That's how I felt...everywhere I looked..instability and dysfunction. So when I found this lady, I wanted to go home with her, cling to her, have her protect me from the demons in my head, and at my job, and from my family (yes them too). I felt like an infant who had been battered and left outside to die and I didn't think my psyche would actually make it but we humans are resilient. My therapist says to me all the time that I'm brave...if she had met the me who I used to be she would have thought I was a warrior!..but that person..she was clobbered too many times...by too many things...molestation, parents who couldn't protect her, by a sick sibling, by cancer, by an abusive coworker, an asshole boss, and by life...so now, there's just me..I'm no longer a warrior but I can fake it a little and I have my moments. You fuck with me...you're going down, maybe not physically but verbally...I don't take shit anymore and I don't get upset at people like I used to. It's sort of a zen feeling where I can tell you off, get super heated and it's gone..poof..it doesn't stay inside. How? you ask..no. It's not How..it's why? Because I don't give a shit about those people any more. Those people who try to squash you down with their words and make you feel less than. I know who "my people" are now, after so many heartbreaking losses, and I was surprised to find that "my people" are many. I have a lot of people on my team and I love them..it's clear now whereas before I loved them but I loved too many who just wanted to be seen with me.. a person who had something. If I sound like an ego maniac, please excuse me, as though I'm not super special and won't mention what I do, I have a semi-important job where you might want to know me. Anyhow, that's that. I went from a person who was somewhat stable to a person who gets frequent anxiety attacks and for a while flackbacks. A shrink I saw said I was suffering from PTSD...I think he's right but enough about that. I go to OA to be with the women..I call them the Canadians..don't ask. So I go see the Canadians every Tuesday and it helps. It helps me stay connected to my higher power, God, who I had all but abandoned until I was on my knees beggin for mercy from the pain..just begging from the pain, and I'm up, I'm walking, it's still painful but I'm functioning, trying to have my baby.

So some may be thinking, Chick is crazy, that may be, but my thinking is, where the eff else can you go to rant and ramble.

2 a.m. and all's well

Feeling restless and not ready to go to sleep. I have had this crush on this guy for a really long time and haven't done shit about it mostly because of issues with this body. I have gained 60lbs in the last few years thanks to cancer and giving up the smokes (yeah, you give up smokes when the big C scares the crap out of you). So I went from feeling insecure about my overweight body to feeling complete disgust for my now ridiculous size body. I am currently failing miserably at weight watchers and am also trying OA. One of the chicks at OA just gave me this diet to follow which asks that you abstain from all sugar (including all artificial sweeteners..Yikes!), wheat, caffeine, dried fruits, and deli meats. I want to do it though I'm scared I won't be able to stick to it. This is how it goes.... Breakfast: plain oatmeal (or some other grain), one fruit serving, and one protien. Lunch: one grain, one  oil, one protien, two vegetable. Dinner: same as lunch. Nothing in between meals and that's it. Grains are oatmeal, brown rice, bulgar, and that sort of thing..no pasta which is fine. I tried plain oatmeal today to see if I could even give this a shot and it was palatable though I had to put a pinch of ground cinnamon..shit was somewhat nasty...but I've had worse. Gonna aim for Sunday as I have to buy protien. I'm not a vegetarian but eat very little meat...it grosses me out a little, plus cooking really isn't my strongest suit and really...why the frig should I cook for one person?? You end up throwing half the crap out. I usually do sandwich or some such thing. Anyhow, I digress, so thoughts of my crush popped into my head (were pushed into my head but that's TMI for this site) and made me a little sad. This baby thing signals the end of something for me and though I've made my peace with it, it's still once in a while pops into my head..... that I won't have the all american family that everyone expects to have. Why at the age of 40 am I still thinking about the all American family dream? If you have to ask you've never been 40 and single....that's the way the shit is...you don't have it, you may have wanted it, and though you realize you aint getting it...you still think hmmmm..would have been nice and that dream is over. Yes, I can still find someone but the dream of school, job, marriage, house, and family (and in that order) has to go away and I have to wake up to reality. Oh well...I can roll with it...but it is painful. I see the girls at work though that didn't have children and I don't want that for me... I can deal with no husband or man in my life but no children? That would be a devestating blow for me...something I don't even want to imagine. I have prepared myself though with the idea that if that were to happen, I would throw all my energy into rebuilding a new career for myself..either med school or vet school..one of the two. I'm older but I can still find the energy to give it a go...I can't not have children and stay at the dump where I work...I can have a child and stay but I can't have nothing in all areas of my life...We'll see I suppose.

Friday

I look forward to my Fridays more than I would guess the normal person would or at least, it feels that way to me. Friday is my lifesaver in a sea of shit! My "I can finally friggin breathe" after what feels like a week of suffocating torture,  in a place full of dysfunction, anger, undermining, and back stabbing. I go there daily and at one point, it was like tearing little pieces of my soul off of me, bit by bit. I learned to block out all feeling, or almost all feeling. I no longer cry when people are so mean but call you their friend. It was unbelievably shocking to me that this was actually an adult place of business, full of professional well educated people, beginning with the head honcho, who have no problems lying, cheating and stealing. I grew up thinking people..grownups..."respectable" grownups were all honest (yes really).When people that know where I work hear about this stuff, they can't believe it, but alas, it's true. Think of any institution that you grew up to respect and learned that it was full of the good guys, only to find that it's full of bull shit...well voila..that's what my short career there has been...a shock that this is our America.  Anyhow, it is what it is, at least for now, but I have hope that it will get better. Just biding my time until someone notices what is really going on.You'd think that with all this silly idealistic thinking I grew up with the Cleevers but in reality I grew up in the 'hood. It's just that, at least it was this way for me, when you grow up in the hood, you think educated people don't do sheisty shit...au contraire ma'cherie! Today was today...fine and glad it's over.

I kept thinking today of the fallopian tube issue discovered yesterday. I just couldn't get it out of my head. Not obsessive like, just annoyed like, tired like, make this easy for me God like. I'll do what I gotta do to address this but I'll be honest and say I won't like it. Look, it's not that I feel like my life has been terrible so I shouldn't have to suffer anymore; I had some great stuff in my life so far....I am extremely well educated especially considering my background...nobody would have guessed I would have gotten this far in school. I have a great paying job (that I hate but great paying nonetheless), and I have great and I mean great friends. I have a friend that is so great, she offered to give me an egg and carry the doggone baby for me that's how great my friends are. I have a good family though the epitome of dysfunction, it's a family. But there is a part of me that feels like I've been through "enough". I have had several years of life seriously kicking my ass and I mean kicking my ass left and right, down and up, where my friends who've gone through shit claim I've been through more, and though it's changed me, wounded me, humbled me, and bought me to a point of near madness (yes totally thought I was seriously going to have to be locked up ), I know I've had a pretty good life but that other side of me says, listen Gem, you had your share it's okay to have something easy. That's the thing..I've struggled for all I have and I mean struggled, mostly emotionally and physically, and I pay the piper every day for every juicy red cent in my big fat check..it's blood money and the blood all over it is mine. So this pregnancy thing, I just thought, no, this isn't going to be one of those..and who knows maybe it won't..time will tell. Like everything else I'll roll with the punches and if it doesn't happen, I'll deal. But I hope it happens and I'm greedy enough to want two and I accept I'm being greedy..who cares.

I'm going to mention something here on the topic of feeling like I'm losing my mind and it's just to clarify this in my head...I was in a depression so deep (bought on by a traumatizing event), I felt like I would literally drown in the bile that piles up in your throat from crying. It was something so raw, I felt like a wild animal with nowhere to turn and though it lasted only a short while, it was something so profound that when I woke up and walked down the other path of that trail, I found I was a completely different person. All the attributes of my personality that I at one time considered strong, were now weak rags of uselessness that I couldn't flex to save my life. But I found I had new muscles, quieter muscles, damaged and wounded but strong enough to carry me the rest of the way towards today where I have hope for a child and the life I can give it. It changed my perspective of life and the things that I perceived as important and to this day that fight continues to teach me something about myself and show me who the hell I am. I thought I knew...but I didn't even a little bit.  I'm learning and I've found that I'm not as good as I thought I was, though I'm not so bad either...I'm in between but I'm trying to be a better person every day and for me that's enough..that at least I'm aiming towards being better.

Day 1

Today really isn't day one, but it was day one in disappointment on my way towards parenthood. Like everybody else, I thought the journey would be different...Married, the job, the house, the dog, the baby, the friggin white pickett fence. I have the condo, the job (sux), the dog, and the aging eggs. So I'm on this journey at 40 and solo.

Today I had that procedure called an HSG where they squirt dye through your fallopian tubes to see if they're clear and I think I'm still in shock to find one of them was clogged. Well, my attitude is that... the beat goes on, so I ran over to my RE's office (repoductive endocrinologist) to drop off the films, ran to get my blood work done, fought with the lab tech (oh yeah baby) and ran home to wallow in my misery with Tess (dog). I can't even put in words how I feel as right now I guess I just feel numb. First off going to a lab to open your crotch wide enough to park a VW in between your legs to total strangers is enough for one day... I mean really..that's not enough? But to have to hear that the crap's not going through is just whatever! and then to have a smart asspirin lab tech give you a 'tude is just icing. He messed with the wrong person. I may be a lot of things but a person who puts up with BS??? yeah, that girl died a long time ago when I was dealing with cancer and putting up with crap when I didn't know better. So here I am waiting for my RE to call me to see what she says.

Monday, I bought 2 vials of spunk from a cryobank. Picking someone was a lot harder than I thought and when I finally chose who I was going with I found that his stuff was selling like hot cakes and there was only 2 vials left. He is supposed to have more come September so my plan is inseminate next month (July "11) skip August, and see if more is available in time for September's cycle. With today's news we'll see if my careful plans are for naught.

I'm scared overall but I've never been gutless person...I have to try as I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would live my life the way I wanted it to be as much as I was able. I'm not going to lie and say I've just marched through scarless, like a fearless warrior battling life's obstacles; life has kicked my asspirin these past 6 years and more than a few people have wondered how I've made it through including myself. I never thought I'd feel as vulnerable as I do now emotionally, and physically, but spiritually I've grown and maybe that's what this battle has been all about...Learning I'm not enough all by myself and it's not all about me.. It's about me, God, family, friends, and giving a crap about other people...