Day 1

Today really isn't day one, but it was day one in disappointment on my way towards parenthood. Like everybody else, I thought the journey would be different...Married, the job, the house, the dog, the baby, the friggin white pickett fence. I have the condo, the job (sux), the dog, and the aging eggs. So I'm on this journey at 40 and solo.

Today I had that procedure called an HSG where they squirt dye through your fallopian tubes to see if they're clear and I think I'm still in shock to find one of them was clogged. Well, my attitude is that... the beat goes on, so I ran over to my RE's office (repoductive endocrinologist) to drop off the films, ran to get my blood work done, fought with the lab tech (oh yeah baby) and ran home to wallow in my misery with Tess (dog). I can't even put in words how I feel as right now I guess I just feel numb. First off going to a lab to open your crotch wide enough to park a VW in between your legs to total strangers is enough for one day... I mean really..that's not enough? But to have to hear that the crap's not going through is just whatever! and then to have a smart asspirin lab tech give you a 'tude is just icing. He messed with the wrong person. I may be a lot of things but a person who puts up with BS??? yeah, that girl died a long time ago when I was dealing with cancer and putting up with crap when I didn't know better. So here I am waiting for my RE to call me to see what she says.

Monday, I bought 2 vials of spunk from a cryobank. Picking someone was a lot harder than I thought and when I finally chose who I was going with I found that his stuff was selling like hot cakes and there was only 2 vials left. He is supposed to have more come September so my plan is inseminate next month (July "11) skip August, and see if more is available in time for September's cycle. With today's news we'll see if my careful plans are for naught.

I'm scared overall but I've never been gutless person...I have to try as I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would live my life the way I wanted it to be as much as I was able. I'm not going to lie and say I've just marched through scarless, like a fearless warrior battling life's obstacles; life has kicked my asspirin these past 6 years and more than a few people have wondered how I've made it through including myself. I never thought I'd feel as vulnerable as I do now emotionally, and physically, but spiritually I've grown and maybe that's what this battle has been all about...Learning I'm not enough all by myself and it's not all about me.. It's about me, God, family, friends, and giving a crap about other people...