Friday

I look forward to my Fridays more than I would guess the normal person would or at least, it feels that way to me. Friday is my lifesaver in a sea of shit! My "I can finally friggin breathe" after what feels like a week of suffocating torture,  in a place full of dysfunction, anger, undermining, and back stabbing. I go there daily and at one point, it was like tearing little pieces of my soul off of me, bit by bit. I learned to block out all feeling, or almost all feeling. I no longer cry when people are so mean but call you their friend. It was unbelievably shocking to me that this was actually an adult place of business, full of professional well educated people, beginning with the head honcho, who have no problems lying, cheating and stealing. I grew up thinking people..grownups..."respectable" grownups were all honest (yes really).When people that know where I work hear about this stuff, they can't believe it, but alas, it's true. Think of any institution that you grew up to respect and learned that it was full of the good guys, only to find that it's full of bull shit...well voila..that's what my short career there has been...a shock that this is our America.  Anyhow, it is what it is, at least for now, but I have hope that it will get better. Just biding my time until someone notices what is really going on.You'd think that with all this silly idealistic thinking I grew up with the Cleevers but in reality I grew up in the 'hood. It's just that, at least it was this way for me, when you grow up in the hood, you think educated people don't do sheisty shit...au contraire ma'cherie! Today was today...fine and glad it's over.

I kept thinking today of the fallopian tube issue discovered yesterday. I just couldn't get it out of my head. Not obsessive like, just annoyed like, tired like, make this easy for me God like. I'll do what I gotta do to address this but I'll be honest and say I won't like it. Look, it's not that I feel like my life has been terrible so I shouldn't have to suffer anymore; I had some great stuff in my life so far....I am extremely well educated especially considering my background...nobody would have guessed I would have gotten this far in school. I have a great paying job (that I hate but great paying nonetheless), and I have great and I mean great friends. I have a friend that is so great, she offered to give me an egg and carry the doggone baby for me that's how great my friends are. I have a good family though the epitome of dysfunction, it's a family. But there is a part of me that feels like I've been through "enough". I have had several years of life seriously kicking my ass and I mean kicking my ass left and right, down and up, where my friends who've gone through shit claim I've been through more, and though it's changed me, wounded me, humbled me, and bought me to a point of near madness (yes totally thought I was seriously going to have to be locked up ), I know I've had a pretty good life but that other side of me says, listen Gem, you had your share it's okay to have something easy. That's the thing..I've struggled for all I have and I mean struggled, mostly emotionally and physically, and I pay the piper every day for every juicy red cent in my big fat check..it's blood money and the blood all over it is mine. So this pregnancy thing, I just thought, no, this isn't going to be one of those..and who knows maybe it won't..time will tell. Like everything else I'll roll with the punches and if it doesn't happen, I'll deal. But I hope it happens and I'm greedy enough to want two and I accept I'm being greedy..who cares.

I'm going to mention something here on the topic of feeling like I'm losing my mind and it's just to clarify this in my head...I was in a depression so deep (bought on by a traumatizing event), I felt like I would literally drown in the bile that piles up in your throat from crying. It was something so raw, I felt like a wild animal with nowhere to turn and though it lasted only a short while, it was something so profound that when I woke up and walked down the other path of that trail, I found I was a completely different person. All the attributes of my personality that I at one time considered strong, were now weak rags of uselessness that I couldn't flex to save my life. But I found I had new muscles, quieter muscles, damaged and wounded but strong enough to carry me the rest of the way towards today where I have hope for a child and the life I can give it. It changed my perspective of life and the things that I perceived as important and to this day that fight continues to teach me something about myself and show me who the hell I am. I thought I knew...but I didn't even a little bit.  I'm learning and I've found that I'm not as good as I thought I was, though I'm not so bad either...I'm in between but I'm trying to be a better person every day and for me that's enough..that at least I'm aiming towards being better.