15

They were able to get 15 follicles out today. Though it's my lowest number I was okay with it. One of the nurses said it was a great number and said...this is better than having more as usually more eggs means many are not mature. A second nurse said the same thing at a different time today so maybe it's the truth. It was a beyond uncomfortable experience. This clinic is nothing if not efficient and there are times where you feel like you are on an assembly line...a very efficient fast moving assembly line. I didn't realize my doctor was not going to perform the procedure...they take turns according to day of the week. I never even met the doctor who did it as he came in while I was knocked out and left before I came to...like a thief in the night. They have you lay on a cot where you have to swing your legs over the stirrups...the stirrups are not for your feet but rather for you to swing your knees over and they hang from there...arms spread to the side. The anesthesiologist who was not nice is the person doing most of the talking...there are a bunch of other people in the room..maybe 5 or 6. My last place the doctor speaks to you and walks you in...it's just you the doctor anesthesiologist and the nurse...3 people...My last doctor also knew I didn't want my privates on display and kept them covered whereas here it was like come'on everybody here is The Vagina...mortifying. I make a joke for the anesthesiologist about feeling like Jesus on the cross..jokes being my specialty..and he actually laughed as I tried to hold back tears at the fucked up situation I was in and just hoped for a quick trip to unconsciousness...bless the frigging drugs. Woke up in a different room in sufficient pain and did my very best to fight to the top of lucidity so I can hightail it out of there. Ling was great and just waited out in the waiting room..thankfully they don't encourage visitors in the recovery area...very different from my old place...just wasn't in the mood.

We had something to eat after leaving the city, came home and knocked out on the couch..woke up several hours later. Was just tired. I have an amazing feeling of bloatedness...like gas except it's not really gas..you can't expel it and sorry if that's TMI but it is what it is...

Anyhow so I wait until tomorrow for a call to see if any of them fertilized.. I'm just hoping and praying and trying to stay chilled.

4th Retrieval

I go in for my retrieval tomorrow. It's my 4th and final IVF...the next anything, if there is anything, is donor eggs. My friend Ling is taking me which I really didn't want to have to go with her because she is not the emotionally healthiest person but I was hard up and it's the only one of my friends who doesn't work and that I'm tight enough to ask. You see what a bitch I am...yes, I am. Love Ling..but I have to guard myself around her as she tends to be one of those people that subtly puts you down.. Anyhow, she's taking me and I am grateful. I'm driving in as she doesn't really drive in NYC and she's supposed to drive back with me guiding her but if I'm well enough I'll drive. Kay couldn't do it as the thought of driving to NYC was too much for her..she's petrified which I don't really understand but whatever..I appreciate having people to ask when you can't ask your family.

Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.

Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.

So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg...or some such crazy thing

I don't know if everyone has had this experience growing up, though I imagine some people have...When I was I'd say in about the 5th grade, we learned about incubators and how to incubate an egg and make it a chick. Well, in my class the teacher agreed to carry the experiment out, rather than just explain it, if someone agreed to take the chicks home...of course someone did..the guy's name was John and his parents were the kind of parents that volunteered for everything..so we got the eggs (not sure where as I'm pretty sure it wasn't the supermarket) and lo and behold..chicks. I don't know why that seemed so easy really. It wasn't like I had an Einstein as a teacher or special magic eggs. If memory serves me correctly, the incubator was really some hay and a lightbulb or some such thing. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this..why? Why is it so easy to make a chick and get good eggs but so difficult to make a person? Had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday..sounds good right? Well, only 5 were mature and only 4 fertilized. I got the call today. So now we wait and see if they survive and the cells multiply the way they should for implantation. I'm praying for 2...just 2 to be okay. I need this time to be my time. I know most people seem to get it on the 4th and I know I'm not special but I'm alone and I need this time to happen for me. It just makes sense that if it usually happens on the 4th try for couples trying with IVF (or so it seems to me) then it should be half that time for me. Not real sense but fair is square kind of sense...childish but that's how I feel right now.

I took my friend Ling with me yesterday or I should say Ling took me. Word to the wise, when you're doing something so intimate and private, only take a best friend...(By the way, you can apply this rule to a million other areas of your life). Shouldn't have taken her. She was fine, nice, supportive, et cetera but it was just one of a million things on her day's agenda.....interesting but not the big deal it is to me (of course)..someone not involved in my every day life like Kay or Diana...even Lexi would have been a better choice but Ling kept asking to help and I feel like I'm relying too heavily on Kay and so I chose Ling..Next time..definitely Kay.

Anyhow, I call on Monday for the implantation day which they explained was most likely Monday.

Feelling not as optimistic, as I'd hoped for at least 8.....Greedy huh?.. but it's the truth so...

P.S.Started meds of Doxycycline yesterday (antibiotic) and Medrol (steroid).

The Freak Out

I was talking to Kay today about missing the opportunity to go out for drinks before it's too late and it occurred to me that if this happens for me this coming week it'll be quite a while before I can enjoy a drink or even go out with friends for that matter. Why this thought crept into my head today, I'm not sure. I didn't think of this with the last round of IVF but all of a sudden I'm a little freaked. A little freaked that this whole venture may be too much. It's not that I'm having second thoughts so much as I'm wigging a little...I guess it's comparable to what someone might feel the day before they're getting married. Yesterday, I went to Weight watchers with Diana and she cried as she talked about her life, feeling suicidal and never realizing how hard it is to be single. She said she never knew what her younger brother was going through or how I dealt with the loneliness of singlehood.. I explained that for us singles, it wasn't as hard..you get used to it gradually and it's not like something was taken from us or we were made to stand alone after having some other party as a support...we've had only us and so in that respect, we are stronger..grew stronger with time. For her, and others finding themselves suddenly single, particularly if you were married early, it's harder I think..you're expected to suddenly stand alone without that support that you've always had unlike us that experienced a gradual separation from our parents and the development of our survival skills. I think this decision is the exception..the decision to have a baby. For the most part I think us singles are hoping for Mr. Wonderful to show up eventually and then plan a family...the crunch time comes and you have to start thinking of doing this shit solo. Hard decision. Very hard. But I see people do it all the time and I refuse to live with the regret of never trying...I couldn't do this to myself as a person or as a woman...and so..onward. Freaked out but onward. My friend Ling picks me up in the morning to take me to the retrieval and I'm just hoping there are some (really hoping for plenty) in there and that this time they fertilize better and eventually implant..That's as far as I'm willing to hope for today and for this weekend. The rest of the wishing will have to wait until that part is over. Baby steps..no pun.

Full of Embryos

My doctor explained to me why we were up in the air as to whether it was today or tomorrow for insemination; it turns out 2 more eggs fertilized and they wanted to wait and see how they progressed to be able to pick the best of the bunch..they didn't progress and so I found myself rush rush rushing from work to the RE's office for my implantation..no ride, no valium, and in the end, no biggie. Four went in; 1 excellent, 2 very good ones, and 1 good enough..so now we wait. I was started on injectible progesteron which my doctor explained was old fashioned but for me she'd like it as a back up and the progesterone suppositories at night. The injections are in the ass..both the nurse and doctor doubted I'd be able to pull it off myself but I managed to do one in their office though the test will be if I can manage to do it on the other side of my butt..one side is easier to access for me than the other..this should be fun.

The closer I get to this as a reality the more scared I become. I have doubts on my ability to be a good parent. My fears I think are not the traditional..it's more my fear of being able to be active enough for a child. I'm giving myself 5 months after the baby is born to lose some weight and if not then I'm going to have to look into lap band..enough is enough and I have to either shit or get off the pot. I have to do everything I can to be the best parent as it'll just be me fucking up this kid..and she/he will have nobody to immediately run to so.. I went for a walk early today with Willa and am trying to get back into the habit of doing that. Getting harder with the weather as it's freezing. The other day Tess refused to walk and I had to carry her the whole way..crazy dog. I'm hoping I can keep it up even if I have to put her in a bag to come with me.

Just trying to do my best here.

I went out with my friend Ling today and she asked about my sibs and family. She's known me for about 18 years and my family. She was upset to hear they weren't supportive at all. It got me upset a little to just talk about it but it is what it is. I can't stay sick with them..have to make my life and move on.

Just waiting

So at around 3 p.m. I called the RE's office as my doctor had said they'd be contacting me with instructions as to when I was doing the implantation, saying most likely Thursday. The nurse told me I'd have to call tomorrow between 8:30 and 9 to see if I was actually going Thursday or Friday. I explained that my shift starts at 8 and this makes it difficult. She explained the embryos may or may not be ready and they'd have to check on them in the morning...Oh. Well that trumps it's going to be difficult for me to leave work, right? I called my friend Ling who had said she could take me tomorrow to explain and she said didn't think it'd be a problem. I was going to ask Kay again but she's been super stressed and high voltage and right now I need peace and serenity. Ling is not the healthiest emotionally but she's someone who usually does well when dealing with sick people so.. and she was more than willing. I helped her with her children when they were little and still they come over for major homework assignments regularly so she is always saying she owes me which so isn't true..though at one time I saved one of her kid's lives..we joke about this. Those were our days of afternoon cocktails every day and working nights..back when neither of us had any and I mean any money. We had lost contact for a while and upon reconnecting she let me know she had developed a drinkig problem. I always look back and think..thank God I walked away when I did with just the smoking habit and the food issue..alcohol on top of it would have sent me over the edge. She struggles with the alcohol at night mostly..mostly wine. If worse comes to worse, I can drive myself but can't take the valium they suggest you take before the procedure..I really want the valium..so unlike me but I've had enough already. If you saw my body, I have bruises all over my arms, my stomach and one so large on my hand from the IV, a coworker actually gasped today when she saw it..yes..it's been semi-torturous so..valium please!

Anyhow so I'm in a sort of limbo waiting to see and the kind of fucked up part of it is that I had changed my entire calendar tomorrow in preparation for the insemination..rearranged a fairly large meeting and here I am waiting..In truth, I really don't give a shit..I hate meetings...I'm sure the guy who had to rearrange all this feels differently. Speaking of meetings, this morning I went to one as a matter of fact..one of those here's breakfast long meetings. I bumped into a police officer..cute!..who struck up a conversation..when I introduced myself he said he knew me already and recalled 'the incident" that had occurred at work with me. He asked me if things had gotten any better and commented that someone should have taken a bat to my coworker..so of course I fell in love and also fell apart..had to walk away and haven't been right all day..it's just too much still..too painful the whole incident. Waiting for the day when it's little more than a memory.. Made me feel good that the cop felt this way though..like there are still men out there willing to put up their dukes for you..you know? I know this is so anti-women's independance and blah blah blah but sometimes..you need a Knight..even if it's just long enough to take a swing or say he'd take a swing..a girl needs a knight. Anyhow, trying to just keep my eye on the prize here, what's really important..my baby.