Getting poked

My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.

I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.

I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.

Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.

I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.

Anyhow, that's what's up for now...

Food and Friends

My friend Jo-ann from work asked me to take her kid home after work as she had something going on in court (personal). I agreed. Her kid is an absolute doll...one of the sweetest children I've met in a long time.. I get to my apartment and soon after Jo-ann is done and she comes to pick the kid up...her voice is weird and she explains she has a cold but can't take anything just in case. Just in case what? She says, "you know". Shit. I think she is already but if she is she won't admit to it. Jeez.

Later I find myself unable to stop eating. Is it related? Maybe. Maybe a little. But the truth is I haven't been watching my food intake or rather I've been out of control with my food intake. I can't seem to stop myself and I'm not sure what to do. Each day I resolve not to stuff my face. Even as I'm stuffing my face I'm trying not to stuff my face...I stuff my face. It's not good. I feel terrible carrying around all this extra weight. I don't feel good about myself as a person but more importantly as a woman. It just seems hopeless. My therapist is not knowledgeable about any type of eating disorders..which I'm sorry is a little weird. She asked me what OA was...come on man, really and when I bring up the food she tells me to try low carb diet such and such..man it's not the diet..they all work if you can stick to it. It's the stick to it part..that's my problem here.

Anyhow, enough of my lip.

today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

TGIF

I didn't hear from the girl who offered the eggs after I turned her down in an email...why email? Because we met on the Cryo site and have never spoken in person. I don't want to hurt her as I value the friendship that we've formed but I'm a painfully realistic type of person...if you can't get pg with your eggs I really can't put my money on them either. Kills me as the chick is super nice and any other time the answere would have been a quick and loud yes.

Today was an extremely difficult day at work. I had given most of my staff the day off in one of the areas I work in though thankfully had all my staff in another area (these two areas have nothing to do with each other btw so it's not like they can interchange tasks). Anyhow, I ended up doing work I haven't done in a long time and really, I don't have the patience for it any more. Aside from the patience issue, I get interrupted about a trillion times, my phone wasn't working, and the area that was staffed was having major issues. Kicked my ass today but it felt good to have my juices flowing...felt like I was still alive, that the brain was still working. I was frustrated and glad it was over but also glad to know that I still have it, that I can still do the dirty work.. My job is in human services though not what you'd typically consider human services...you have to be on your toes and guess people's moves, what they're thinking, or be able to get information from them..exhausting. Exhausting, interesting, sad,...it's a lot of things and Mattie, who really had never worked in this type of environment acts as if she finds it as juicy as a soap opera. I guess I'm somewhat jaded as I've worked with the low of the low for too long..to me it's like watching a soap episode except it's the same shit and predictable every day...sometimes the scenes are coming fast and furiously throughout the day and other times you're getting trickles of the show but it's the same fricking show, with the same cast of clowns, pulling the same bullshit move, hurting each other like crazy, using their kids to hurt each other like crazy, being shitty parents...just fucking up each other's lives in general. I'll be honest and say there is a part of my job that I'm not well versed in...that really I have only a little clue about...fucked up huh? I was kind of thrown into it and so I just kind of wing it and do the best I can...so crazy really. If I was more familiar with it, more confident in what I'm doing, I'd probably enjoy it more but it's one of those jobs with too many nuances to do by just observing and I can't really jump in and do it in a way that I'd really be able to learn it...so I'm stuck in this sort of limbo..it is what it is. I'm thankful for the job and though it's not what I wanted to be "when I grew up" it's good enough. A therapist once said to me that loving what you do for a living is a luxury and I believe that's partly true...definitely true in this economy I suppose. Anyhow....

I ate like a pig today and am not looking forward to WW on Sunday as I know it's gone up. I start off the week with the best of intentions and then I fuck it all up..sucks. I'm eating less than I was before but nowhere near my points target that WW wants. Haven't called Rachel either. I don't know what holds me back...my insecurity mostly and a feeling that I won't be successful.  I want what that chick Rachel has..the clean time with the weight loss but I can't find the courage... What a wuss I am, huh?

Tomorrow is another day...tomorrow I'm back on the wagon..again.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

A Tough Week with Tough Choices

 I finally got the paperwork from Allison. I looked at it backwards and forward as I couldn't believe how simplistic it was. It asked you what race you wanted, and then you had to rate that on a scale of 1-3, 1 being very importan and 3 being not important. Then it asked you how important religion was to you but didn't ask you what religion you wanted, same went for ethnicity, then what color hair, eyes, what body frame, height and that was it. I called Allison and she quickly explained that they'll send me profiles of people that fall in between these categories, you pick, take meds to sync up to the donor and then get inseminated....all in one sentence she explained it in sort of a rush. I was upset. I said to Mattie when I hung up with her...just look how quick someone can explain to you how to make one of the most important decisions in your life...bada-bing bada-boom...done. So I checked off all the shit adding my comments on the side because that's how I roll and taped a pic of myself (as requested) on the stupid form and sent it back. I didn't want to harp on it or have it in my posession any longer. I wanted to add to just send me the shit and I'll pick out my own but I can't burn any bridges at this place and just want to hurry up and get this done with and end my relationship with these people already. I added that the person had to have some college and that art was a plus as everyone in my family is artisitc in some way and we can all sing but I'd rather they have the art bit if at all possible. Really, I felt the form said a big fat, We Really Don't Give A Shit What You Pick SOoooo, Just Pick Anybody You Infertile Loser.  You know when you get the feeling that you're done somewhere? That's how I feel. Just do what you can for me here and cut me loose...really just let me go already. I asked Allison the first time we talked if she thought I was grasping at straws because really I wanted to know, and of course she said, "not at all"...no conversation no nothing...yeah yeah, easy answers. fuck. If it wasn't that I'm at the end of all this shit I'd switch to somewhere else. fuck fuck fuck...so tired really of all of this but not tired enough to just quit already. Gotta stay in this fight til I'm completely down on my knees I guess.

I finally gave away all of the baby clothes Diana had given me...I left myself with a tiny corduroy jacket and  a pair of skechers baby shoes...both too cute to give away. That's all I've kept. The books are next and really I could just bag up my whole condo and throw it in the dumpsters...that's how I feel, like I really don't give a shit about anything. I have thrown in the towel almost completely and this next step only holds a glimmer of hope for me. I'm scared of it and I'm scared of the financial repercussions for me after this. I put about $500 on the card this weekend and another $500 this week for car repairs and a trip to the grocery...I had to send a family member another $2300 last week...this ain't monopoly money folks but what do you do? I don't know. Just tired of it all, tired of it but I have to just keep moving.

On the WW front, I'm sticking to it so far these past 4 days...journaling the shit on my WW app. We'll see if I can't hold it...can't refrain from gorging my sadness with food.

I also went online last night and looked up more ethnic donors for sperm just in case I have to pick someone outside of my race...have to spice it up a bit I suppose. Really, I don't care what the kid looks like...just give me healthy and not crazy.

Adoption

Just wanted to write a little blurb on adoption. I have a sort of connection to adopt from Haiti though I hadn't seen the chick in a while. Today she came into my office and we had an opportunity to talk. The process is difficult and it would entail a trip to Haiti...something I really don't want to do. I love Haitian people, I actually speak some Creole which always shocks people as it's not a typical language to learn but it's always intrigued me... I know that it's very dangerous there, very poor, and very dangerous, and though I won't explain how I know so much about it, suffice is to say that I do, even though I've never been there nor am I Haitian. I always wanted to visit until I learned so much about it. It is now a place that even thinking about it scares the shit out of me. We'll see what happens. I gave her some of my personal information and she gave me hers and we'll see where this leads. The one positive is that I meet all of Haiti's requirements for adoption; they ask that you be over 35, you can be single (woohoo!!), and it seems that although not absolutely necessary, they prefer that you don't have other children. This is not an absolute for me, and I'm unsure of the cost but at least I have a start to some info. I haven't given up on the egg donor thing and as a matter of fact, go next Monday to have my second HSG..fun fun. Just wanted to update.

On the food front:

I have been hesitant to write about dieting, food, compulsive overeating, et cetera, on here because it is such a sensitive subject for me and I find that too often, people have simple answers for a complicated problem. By the same token, I have to deal with my food issues so here it is. Kay has a bowl of candy in her office and she won't get rid of it. It tortures me and I can hardly resist it. It's like leaving a glass of vodka available at any time when you have a drinker in the office but alas, I know this is not Kay's problem, it's mine. I find myself eating to assuage my stress and anxiety. I have been obsessing over Asshole and I thought I had washed the thoughts of him out of my head but apparently I haven't. I gotta get over it. I have to move on with my life and I know I will. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg; if it's that thinking of him is giving me the anxiety or it's the anxiety making me think of him....crazy. And though I find that I am having trouble controlling my food, I did begin to journal my food again and I also weighed myself (not as bad as I had thought). I am loosely following the WW program though I'm not going to meetings..will start these, God willing, on Sunday. Will continue with OA but if nobody shows up tomorrow...that's it...I'm done. I'm not doing this shit again where I go and nobody else is there..that's bullshit.

Anyhow, that's it. I'm tired and frustrated tonight and want to drink and smoke and can't write. That's where I am in this life. Just taking one step at a time trying not to walk off that proverbial bridge and just realize that this too shall pass, and that there is always a better day on the horizon. I have to believe this even when I don't believe it. Gotta keep on keeping on (though I hate that saying it fits).

Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.

enough really

One of the girls that I went to high school with just had a baby and two others are expecting theirs any day now. Am I totally jealous? No. It's not jealousy, it's something else that I can't describe. Something that''s sitting in the pit of my stomach, like when you find out your ex-boyfriend, who you're still not over, is getting married or having a baby or some other devastating shit. Not jealousy, just a dull and fearful pain. Yes, it almost feels like fear this sensation.

 I went to the acupuncturist today and when I explained where I was in the process she said to me, "I'm going to tell you a secret that I never told anybody else. My second son is from an egg donor. Even he doesn't know". Is this a small world or what? Any ol' how, it made me feel a little better to actually meet someone who's gone through it. But really, I've come to terms with the egg donor thing for the most part but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't going to happen. The acupuncturist, Dr. G, told me maybe I should take some time off to lose weight, get healthy, and mourn this experience but the truth is I just want to go forward, I just want to get this over with. And I know she was really saying why don't you lose some weight. While I was laying on the table with a zillion needles poking out of me the thought occurred to me that perhaps I can wait a year but really, I don't think I can. I spoke to Kay about it and she agreed that it was something that needed to just move forward. I'm doing my best to not overeat and control my food intake and try to drop a few though weekends are never easy for me for various reasons. I'm trying though which is more than I've been doing the last few months. I just don't want to wait. Partly because I know Dr. B has a limited time before going on maternity leave and I don't want to use another doctor. I like Dr. G but there's no connection, it's like there's something missing there and sometimes I want to just get up and get out of there. I didn't make an appointment for next week. I figured I'll play it by ear. I'm not sure if I'll go back.

Today is not a good day. Like yesterday I have this melancholic feeling hanging over me. This desperation. The feeling of wanting the world to stop for me until this pain subsides kind of like that technique they do for heroin addicts where they put them out until they finish going through withdrawals. That's what I'd like. Put me out until I no longer feel this sadness, this desperation, this feeling that my life is for shit. On top of this I have this anger at my family that I can't shake. I just feel like enough is enough with ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I just got a call from D that one of my siblings needs to go to the hospital due to a migraine. I went off on D which I feel bad about as it's not their fault. I just feel sick and tired of having to be available for them and they're never available for me. I feel like right now I am trying to mourn this and my family has not been there and still they can't even see that I'm in pain or even ask me what the fuck is going on with the pregnancy thing. I won't bring it up as they've blown me off too many times. I'm just tired of everything I suppose. Tired of pretending. Just tired. I feel guilt at ignoring their pain but enough is enough with their sick games. You're sick, do what I do, take care of it yourself. They don't even know that I had surgery in December or anything really. They don't ask so I don't tell. I'm just angry at them, angry at God, and angry at myself.  There are times I want to scream in frustration, just scream with the bullshit of it all but I can't without appearing completely off my rocker. But I want to. I want to scream and I want to smoke and I even want to drink...self destructive I know but it's what I want.

Back in the swing

I was supposed to have gotten my HSG exam yesterday, that's the test where they shoot the dye through your fallopian tubes...anyhow, I had called them on Friday to make the appointment and specifically requested a female which they assured me would be the case but I've dealt with these clowns before so yesterday, before I requested the time from the boss, I called them. Yeah, they said not only did I cancel my appointment but it's scheduled with a male...they put me on hold to double check as they are utterly confused and the manager comes on..."Is there a problem with your appointment"..Ummm, yeah they told me I cancelled and that I was scheduled with a male. "No, it's not cancelled but you're scheduled with a male"...I go over the whole thing how I'd requested a female she tries to put it on me saying perhaps I didn't explain good enough...a female...the thing with a vagina between her legs..that's a female..it's who I want performing the test...No, we have doctor so and so...yeah I say, I've met that dick wad...he's an ass...and this sounds like an inside problem to me not something I need to hear about so do you have an appointment with a female for me or not? No. Thank you and good bye...fucker...but I didn't say fucker..I cried instead because it's just too frustrating this process and I've really had enough...I call the other radiology place near me explain I need a female she puts me on hold forever and says she has an availability for me. I say "with a female"? She says no, no female. I say, (and I did say this) "are you guys all fucking retarded or are you just trained to act fucking stupid"...I hang up and make a note to never go there...I finally find a place about an hour from me and the next state over who has a female..I take the appointment for 12 though I know I have an appointment for "D" this morning at 10 and hope that I can hustle and make it on time.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.

To test or not to test ..that is the question?

As I explained I bought a 3 pack of pregnancy tests yesterday though I had thought to myself I would only do one the day before I go to the doctor to kind of burst that bubble of hope and begin the grieving process if that is the process that needs to be begun.. I want to test. I want to test so bad. I went to acupuncture today and my doctor was shocked that 5 were put back in. Both of her kids were born via IVF after 40 is that a coincidence or what...yes it's a coincidence as I don't believe in signs any more. So she did her thing over me and I fell into a semi sleep. Today she put 3 needles in my head...a first as it's usually just one in my head, one in the forehead and other's scattered about...she said she needed me to get rid of all the crazy thinking swimming through my head and the proccupation and I dont' know if it's just psychosomatic but I actually felt so much clearer and at rest emotionally leaving there..I'm grateful though the one thing that continues to swim through my head is that I do want to test. She asked if I wanted an appointment for Saturday but seeing as I go to the doctor on Friday and will probably be a wreck on Saturday I told her next Wednesday same bat time same bat channel was fine.
I went to work today and I was feeling so scattered and crazy and even when Mattie came in, who usually grounds me in certain respects, I still felt scattered and unfocused so I called up my doctor to see if I could come in earlier which was fine and I left work early for the day. Of course as I'm walking into the building of my doctor's office I get a call from work that made my blood boil but whateva....better blood boiling out on my own than in that hell hole. I came home and made myself an early dinner as I was starving and slept for a little interrupted by a few panicked phone calls from "D" and scratching at my legs from Tess who did not want me to sleep...I want to sleep people!!! Can't seem to ever sleep uninterrupted either by others or by my own demons swimming in my head. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I'm not a sleeper. I think it contributes to many of my problems in my life, my grouchiness, my overeating, my constant fatigue. I have always wished to be one of those people who can go down for 7 or 8 hours straight....I will occasionally get 6 but it's never straight through....Anyhow, I'm tired all the time and naps don't seem to fare any better for me. I'm babbling now. I think I'll test in the morning and then once after work tomorrow. I'll tell you the truth though...I don't think I am. I don't think I'll ever be but that's our little secret I suppose. I don't even want the best part of myself to know that. It's too sad really and the best part of me deserves a little hope.

Regrouping

I have been in a serious funk. A serious funk I tell you. Some deep shit of sadness and I can't for the life of me recall if this happened the last time IVF failed. It's taking a toll and my fucking job and asshole boss don't help. I can't seem to make myself feel any better no matter what I do so I'm allowing myself to wallow a little but then I have to find a way to regroup. Have to find a way to get my spirits up before the next IVF as I think it'll effect the outcome. I want to feel calm, at peace and just semi-happy at least. I made myself a deal. If there is no baby I'm out. I'm going to finish up with my credentials, sell the condo, pay off as much as I can on my student loans, and get the fuck out. I can find an apartment for less than a grand because really, who needs luxury. Talking to a friend at work about it, she balked and said you'll never make this much, but really, who needs money if you have no kids? You just need enough to live and make sure you're covered for when you retire..that's it. There would be no college loans or any such thing to worry about and I figure I sock enough away monthly now that I can apply to some of my student loans and the like to get me out of debt and outta this job pronto. That's if there is no baby and I hope that there is..I don't care if I'm stuck working in hell forever but please give me my baby God. I also am seriously thinking that after the baby I'm doing lap band. I just can't take the weight anymore. I don't want to get heavier than I am as I'll be entering the morbidly obese category and it's not even that..it's that I'm ashamed of myself and what I look like..ashamed. So after the baby or after if there is no baby..lap band. Hate to do it and I never thought I would but there it is.

Beyond the Irritables

When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.

Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.

Canada

I went to see the Canadians today. Only Robby was there which was fine and we also had a couple of people on the phone bridge. When the meeting ended Robby asked me about the baby making thing, the food thing, and in general how am I holding up. I told her the whole baby making fiasco story and also how my eating is out of control and I can't seem to get a grip...the worst it's been in a long time. She made me promise to go to another meeting this week and I'm going to try and really do it not just say it or make an excuse. We had a nice long talk and basically she told me I needed more meetings and to just get 3 days in and I would start from there. On the baby making topic, she told me to not give up, to try and lose some weight to make it easier to carry and shared how she never tried and now at 60-something has major regrets...even tried to adopt when she was in her 50's but realized she was just too old...said it was the biggest regret of her life. I left there feeling hopeful..more hopeful than I had in a long time. I set up a meeting with a new therapist yesterday for next week..don't believe I mentioned it. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to really try with this chick unless she's a complete psycho freak...have to get my mental affairs in order.

It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.

Full of Embryos

My doctor explained to me why we were up in the air as to whether it was today or tomorrow for insemination; it turns out 2 more eggs fertilized and they wanted to wait and see how they progressed to be able to pick the best of the bunch..they didn't progress and so I found myself rush rush rushing from work to the RE's office for my implantation..no ride, no valium, and in the end, no biggie. Four went in; 1 excellent, 2 very good ones, and 1 good enough..so now we wait. I was started on injectible progesteron which my doctor explained was old fashioned but for me she'd like it as a back up and the progesterone suppositories at night. The injections are in the ass..both the nurse and doctor doubted I'd be able to pull it off myself but I managed to do one in their office though the test will be if I can manage to do it on the other side of my butt..one side is easier to access for me than the other..this should be fun.

The closer I get to this as a reality the more scared I become. I have doubts on my ability to be a good parent. My fears I think are not the traditional..it's more my fear of being able to be active enough for a child. I'm giving myself 5 months after the baby is born to lose some weight and if not then I'm going to have to look into lap band..enough is enough and I have to either shit or get off the pot. I have to do everything I can to be the best parent as it'll just be me fucking up this kid..and she/he will have nobody to immediately run to so.. I went for a walk early today with Willa and am trying to get back into the habit of doing that. Getting harder with the weather as it's freezing. The other day Tess refused to walk and I had to carry her the whole way..crazy dog. I'm hoping I can keep it up even if I have to put her in a bag to come with me.

Just trying to do my best here.

I went out with my friend Ling today and she asked about my sibs and family. She's known me for about 18 years and my family. She was upset to hear they weren't supportive at all. It got me upset a little to just talk about it but it is what it is. I can't stay sick with them..have to make my life and move on.

I Piss on Canada!!

I went to see the Canadians (OA mtg) tonight and nobody showed up...again. I was pissed. I was throwing up all night and have been sick to my stomach all day and dragged my ass the whole half hour there in the dark through the frigging woods and nobody. There was 2 people on the phone line at least so we did a quick 1/2 hour meeting with all 3 of us sharing. Came home and Tess and I took a long walk though in reality it was a little scary as it really is friggin dark around this complex. Came back in to find a phone message from one of the Canadians explaining she couldn't come because she was exhausted and so on...fine fine...this meeting seems to be going to shit...I'd be surprised if it hangs on without disbanding as it just gets no play...it seems Tuesday night is not a good night for compulsive overeaters...maybe they're all home watching the biggest loser...Who TF knows?

Anyhow, went to the IVF class this morning. It was very informative and made me feel positive that there could possibly be more than the 3 tries depending on how many eggs are harvested. Harvest? Is that the right term? Anyhow I came back and googled the percentage rate of women my age (40) becoming pregnant with IVF...15% which isn't fooling anybody. That statistic sucks. I didn't realize it was that low and for IUI it is only 5%...who knew. Well, I'm gonna try and if it's not in the cards, it's not in the cards and I have to move forward with possibly adopting or doing whatever...I don't know what. I had a frank talk with God and told him I'm not sure what is going on with him and I ...what he wants me to do in this life but I pray he shows me the way. As sacrilegious as this may sound, I'm going to see a psychic tomorrow...hoping she can shed some light..it's cheating but I'm hard up right now plus I don't 100% believe..it's fun though and gives me hope that some day my prince may indeed come on a white horse and everything while sitting outside on a picnic bench..no?

Oh, I failed to mention I got my fucking period today...while taking progesterone mind you even though the doctor told me I wouldn't get it..I did...period is stronger than iron I tell you...bitch just keeps coming to rain on my parade..

Well, I've got Tess here munching away on a bullystick..she'll have to do as my child for now..she really is such a sweetheart. Love her to pieces. She sat so still today as I brushed her hair just enjoying it..so sweet that little princess..like a little angel from heaven. I swear God sent her special for me to love as she's been a joy even in times of real sadness for me..

Babies, Babies, everywhere, and not a drop to drink

I just got finished doing a home pregnancy test and of course..negative. It didn't hurt as much as last month but it hurts still. I finally talked to my mother again about the topic (lightly) and she responded with her usual "why don't you forget about that already?"..crazy woman. I think, if a crazy woman like her..someone with only the tiniest microscopic maternal instinct in her (and I'm giving this to her as really I don't think it's there but.., can have 4 children then why can't I, who wants one so bad and babies little Tess as if she were a human that sprouted from my loins? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to have one and my life is just supposed to be about coping with a disfunctional family and a fucked up job with fucked up coworkers and emotional tortures about food..... Really? That's it? I refuse to believe that, and if that's the case I need to change some of the above as that's just not enough. I remember a therapist suggesting that perhaps a hobby...okay a fucking hobby! Why is it that people with children look at us with no children and think that throwing us some crumb will do? A hobby, a dog (though I love Tess to pieces), babysitting for theirs (that's a good one), all those little nothings (except for the dog because I'm sorry dogs are close in my humble)..but what do I know!? Anyhow, I'm just venting. I just feel like I've been prodded and poked enough in my life...this too has to be a scientific exploration..really? And in the end what will I have? I can't help but think that it won't happen and in the end, I'll have nothing. Perhaps I'm a pessimist...though I don't normall think so..not really , more like a realist. Just feeling emotionally exhausted from this. I was talking to some chick who is using the same sperm donor as I am, a reall nice lady but it's her partner getting inseminated, and she told me they're on like try number 9...try number fucking 9...and she sounded okay with it. I guess maybe if you're with a partner it may be a little easier to get through it or if maybe your family was supportive or a combination of the two..again, what do I know? I don't. Maybe it's just as hard. Four follicles and a combined total of 20 million sperm and nothing. Am I crying, yes I am. Crying and blaming myself, my age, my weight, et cetera and yes yes, it'd probably be easier if I was thin though I know people in my boat..normal weight so who knows.

Anyhow, dropped the shrink this week which feels right and flying solo right now which also feels right. Going to IVF class Tuesday morning to sit with all the beautiful couples and not so beautiful couples and stew in my own shit.

Onwards and upwards or however that saying goes. Maybe if this doesn't happen, I just need something else in my life. I'm not sure what that could possibly be. I have 2 more years until I'm vested in the government insurance and then I can jet and still get it at retirement I believe. So changing careers is always an option though it requires more school...something that the thought of doesn't sound delicious. I also have my MSW degree I can fall back on though that doesn't call me the way it once did. I suppose we'll have to wait and see where the road leads.

catching up...

Haven't written in quite a while as I could not remember my password and for whatever reason (mostly because I'm a spazz) I couldn't figure out the "forgot your password" thing...Story of my life. Anyhow, so I went this past Tuesday for another IUI and again on Thursday. She said the timing was perfect as were my levels..I had 5 follicles, 4 of which were mature so now I cross my fingers. I was freaked out this morning as I had to start progesterone (due to a short time between iui and period last month) and reading the side effects freaked me out to the point that I tried to call the doctor and considered not taking it but alas, I took it but not happy about it.

I spent the day watching movies on tv and finally cleaned my condo as it was tore up from the floor up. Not messy but dusty and funky and I couldn't take it any more. I've considered hiring a cleaning lady to come in regularly but with the hopes of a baby coming I decided no need to get used to a luxury that would hurt to give up. I used to give this place a thorough cleaning at least once a week but I'm not sure what has happened to me; I just feel so shitty and tired, and like not moving lately so I let it go for 2, count them 2 weeks other than the kitchen which I clean and bleach every night...gross. And I'm sure most people don't think that's super long but this place is a super dust magnet and my bathroom is white except for slate floors so....The kitchen is completely all white too so I have no choice plus I get freaked out at the thought of getting critters so I keep that immaculate. The only room that didn't get a scrub down today was my guest room/computer room and my dining room that I never use only because I'm too tired and don't feel like it..will do tomorrow. I'm hoping to go out with my sister tonight for a burger which I have no business eating but I'm craving meat big time and I hardly ever eat any which pisses my doctor off as my blood work sucks. It'd be different if I was a vegan and compensated for no meat in other ways but my main source of protien is peanut butter, chees and yogurt, and an occasional egg but I'm craving meat so .. I realize I need to up this if a baby is on the way and this week my goal is to make a chicken dish for the week in my crock pot..I bought all of the ingredients except the chicken so we'll see. Oh, I'll share the recipe since it's easy:

In crock pot put:
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
one large bag of frozen broccolli (more if you want it to have a lot)
add 2 cans of campbells healthy request condensed mushroom soup (I'm also going to add a can of healthy request cheddar cheese soup)
Use the healthy request as the regular soups are really not good for you and the healthy requests are lower in fat and sodium.
Cook this on low for 8 hourse.
Serve over brown rice (you can make your own or buy the frozen kind you steam up or go the chinese restaurant and buy or whatever..) Voila..dinner for several days if your single or for a family of 3-4 if you're not. It's total comfort food as it's a cross between a meal and a soup but not real liquidy.



Have to try and eat healthier even if I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I know the above isn't a super healthy meal but it's not terrible. I want a healthy normal weight baby. I don't want my child to struggle with food issues like me.

I went to see a new therapist on Thursday..she seemed alright...nothing special but I'll give her a try. I go again Wednesday so will see how it goes..she seems a little blah, a little disconnected but then again, she's just getting to know me. She was stuck on my degree being the same as hers..she talked about it 3 separate times during the session..funny what makes people tick..

Anyhow, that's the 411 on my life so far. Praying that this is the time for my baby..saying prayers.

What do I do with all of this?

I went to see the Canadians today. There was a new chick there..just as heavy as me but shorter..married..a little odd or at least it seemed to me. Had a talk with one of them afterwards regarding the whole fertility thing and food thing and she said perhaps the hormones are making me eat more...it's possible. I know that I haven't felt this crazy in a long time. And on that note: I told my therapist that I didn't want to see her any more. She emailed me to say she was puzzled...This statement, though brief, infuriates me, and I'll tell you why (rational or irrational). I just feel that as a therapist, whatever it is you're feeling is your problem..period! So you tell me you're puzzled and what do you want me to do with that as your client because I most certainly am not your peer in this relationship.. you're puzzled? well, that in a nutshell says it all. I'm puzzled too and when I find a shrink that can figure out this puzzle, I'll give you her number. Fucking crazy ass therapists..give me a sane therapist..a thing that apparently doesn't exist unless that person has worked on themselves for years and years, and continues to work on attaining a semblance of sanity to spread to those of us less fortunate folks. Shit! I wrote her back and just said "Thank you (name). I appreciate you having seen me". Really I wanted to write "I know you're puzzled..duh" but I can't..that's the bitch in me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the food, the two years sans cigarettes that to this day haunts and taunts, whatever it is, I'm cranky and irritable and not in the mood for shit. Weird that my old therapist recommended her as they couldn't be more different and the only thing I can see they had in common is that they were both lesbians..other than that..nothing. I called some other chick today who called me back pretty quickly thought there seemed to be a note of disinterest in her message. Will make an appointment and try her out. I know what I'm looking for..I'm looking for someone calm and reliable..someone who calls you when you call them and lets me talk. I wanted to say so much in my last session and I ended up being able to squeeze two words in and left pissed. Still pissed. Puzzled.

I had to inject myself twice tonight as I only had 300 iu left in the cartridge and needed to take 375 iu and I certainly wasn't going to toss the 300 iu I had left..I heard that stuff cost a fortune..thank God for government insurance. I did it but it adds to the irritation of it all. It's hard for me to explain why injecting myself upsets me so much but it just does. I really can't stand it and just want to feel normal again. I'll have to hang in as the only way to get off the hormones is to get pregnant and then my hormones really kick in..Shit.

So that's that for tonight..I got a barrel full of feelings and nothing to do with them. Nobody to listen to them or nobody I care to burden with them so I'm throwing them out to the universe. Enjoy!

Like a thief in the night

So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.

One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.

This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.