I went to see the Canadians today. There was a new chick there..just as heavy as me but shorter..married..a little odd or at least it seemed to me. Had a talk with one of them afterwards regarding the whole fertility thing and food thing and she said perhaps the hormones are making me eat more...it's possible. I know that I haven't felt this crazy in a long time. And on that note: I told my therapist that I didn't want to see her any more. She emailed me to say she was puzzled...This statement, though brief, infuriates me, and I'll tell you why (rational or irrational). I just feel that as a therapist, whatever it is you're feeling is your problem..period! So you tell me you're puzzled and what do you want me to do with that as your client because I most certainly am not your peer in this relationship.. you're puzzled? well, that in a nutshell says it all. I'm puzzled too and when I find a shrink that can figure out this puzzle, I'll give you her number. Fucking crazy ass therapists..give me a sane therapist..a thing that apparently doesn't exist unless that person has worked on themselves for years and years, and continues to work on attaining a semblance of sanity to spread to those of us less fortunate folks. Shit! I wrote her back and just said "Thank you (name). I appreciate you having seen me". Really I wanted to write "I know you're puzzled..duh" but I can't..that's the bitch in me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the food, the two years sans cigarettes that to this day haunts and taunts, whatever it is, I'm cranky and irritable and not in the mood for shit. Weird that my old therapist recommended her as they couldn't be more different and the only thing I can see they had in common is that they were both lesbians..other than that..nothing. I called some other chick today who called me back pretty quickly thought there seemed to be a note of disinterest in her message. Will make an appointment and try her out. I know what I'm looking for..I'm looking for someone calm and reliable..someone who calls you when you call them and lets me talk. I wanted to say so much in my last session and I ended up being able to squeeze two words in and left pissed. Still pissed. Puzzled.
I had to inject myself twice tonight as I only had 300 iu left in the cartridge and needed to take 375 iu and I certainly wasn't going to toss the 300 iu I had left..I heard that stuff cost a fortune..thank God for government insurance. I did it but it adds to the irritation of it all. It's hard for me to explain why injecting myself upsets me so much but it just does. I really can't stand it and just want to feel normal again. I'll have to hang in as the only way to get off the hormones is to get pregnant and then my hormones really kick in..Shit.
So that's that for tonight..I got a barrel full of feelings and nothing to do with them. Nobody to listen to them or nobody I care to burden with them so I'm throwing them out to the universe. Enjoy!
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