Yes, it's more of the same

I'm probably just annoying the fuck out of myself more than anybody else but whatever. I got my medical records today from my RE's clinic. The last note said, "patient upset that more information not provided regarding donor ocyte. Pt frustrated and will call back"...I wasn't frustrated really. What I was, was hysterically crying at the unfairness of it all. But the point is, the papers, like anything else related to resuming trying, made me feel bad for lack of a more sophisticated way of describing it. My gut tells me there'll be no babies for me. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think so. The thought of that is too painful so I won't think too much on it. The other thing I thought as I read the papers was that I should have gone somewhere else....somewhere with better stats, some place fancier. Coulda Shoulda whateverthefuck...I didn't and there's nothing I can do as the time went by and the money flew away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to the girl who replaced Lexi today....she's a bit odd in a detached sort of way but nice enough and I recently found out she's older (30) than I thought. The topic of men and babies came about and she said she was single though she wanted a family and worried her time was running out. I told her hurry up. Hurry up and put yourself out there as it goes by quick and yes, you can definitely get left behind. I suggested eharmony. It was a good conversation...the kind every girl who is 30 and thinks they still have plenty of time needs to hear...you don't have any time and hustle if you want it... What I really wanted to ask her but would never in a million years and this of course is my crazy little fantasy, is, would you ever give someone an egg. The thing is she's partly what I am, she's got mad ass curly hair like me, and she is bright with my skin coloring. I would never ask her but I can secretly dream I suppose.

Anyhow, this whole topic is giving me a fucking headache.... Living in a world where you fantasize about somebody else's eggs ain't easy...sheesh..

La Familia

I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).

While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan.  I want to tell them fuck you.

But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.

I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.

Well Damn.

The other day some chick with a kid shows up at my job and I don't know how it ended up that I ended up working with her doing something that I personally don't usually do at my job. The chick has a baby and a criminal record along with the 'baby daddy' and yes it was one of those situations where you know that poor child is going to grow up all kinds of fucked up thanks to good ol' drugs. I say to Kay, "she should give me that baby".... So what crosses my desk today? A newspaper clipping, outlining how this chick and some other fool were arrested for stealing and didn't she abandon the baby trying to escape? Well, if you think they gave me the baby..of course not..it went to one of her other family who will finish fucking the poor thing up..but it was weird that I mentioned she should give it to me...I had forgotten I'd said it until I said it again today and Kay said, "you said that when she was here". I just thought it was just unbelievable. I can't get over how people have kids so easily and they just toss them aside, use them, fuck them up willy nilly...and I wonder if it'd been easy for me if maybe I would have taken it for granted...

Enough really

When I was seeing the acupuncturist, she told me about her fight with infertility and about her son who was born via donor egg. She mentioned that when she was having difficulty conceiving she had this thing where she hated Meryl Streep who was pregnant and pushing out babies with some sort of ease...any ol' way whether this was true or just her perception I find myself struggling to get through the day with all these mind fields of baby shit surrounding me. I'm just so fucking tired, and I mean fucking tired of all the fucking baby shit, baby commercials, people announcing pregnancies, announcing births, documenting milestones on fucking facebook, baby showers, baby fucking christenings, pregnant people, actual babies (who in truth I love to see any ol' way..can't help it really)....but really, I've had enough. On top of that shit I just received a text message from a cousine in Puerto Rico whose daughter wants me to be her Godmother for confirmation....4 offer to be a Godmother this month and people, I have a Godchild...haven't seen him in years and only send him checks every holiday out of guilt = I'm not a good Godparent...I just feel awkward about the whole thing..don't ask me why. In general, I'm just sick of all this shit...just want to have my own child already or adopt a baby... I'm just so tired of all these reminders of babies everywhere...and if I ever do have one...I'm not going to post that shit everywhere...just in consideration of those still trying. Anyhow, I'm tired already so I'm off...just wanted to get that off my chest.

Enough for now and for tomorrow too..

This morning I looked up directions to he clinic in NY. According to mapquest, it'll take me about 49 minutes to get there from Kay's house. When I look at this clinic or look up any of the information for that matter, I get an instant headache, and instant feeling of anxiety, a shaking throughout my body...just an overall feeling of dread at starting this process again. Of being introduced to new doctors that may or may not be assholes. Of working with a new clinic that may or may not want to or be able to help me. Of just facing the music of infertility and fertility treatments again...the hustle of it all, the 'your life is going at a thousand miles an hour yet standing still' of it all. The headache encompasses my throat if that's at all possible...just a totally emotionally and physical response to the thought of going there...but I'm going. I'm going and I'm probably willing to go for broke...literally. Just wish the internal shaking would stop. I gotta build up my courage...just build up that shit that propels you to move obstacles...the thing that came so much easier to me before "the incident" at work...the shit that shook me up so much I've never been the same but I have to move past that and find the old Gem. The I can kick anybody's ass including my own, Gem. It's how I got through everything, through childhood, through school, through cancer, through that and all of the rest though I haven't been able to call it up in a long time. I have to move forward regardless of this shaking fear that brings me to tears and the feeling of being weak..weaker than I used to be though stronger than I was. Shit, that doesn't really make any sense except to me really. Okay, enough of the babble. I'm shutting down the rest of the thoughts for today as I got the directions in front of me, sent the letter to the old clinic for my records, and took inventory of the meds left in my fridge (5 boxes of menopur and 3 boxes of follistim)..not as much as I thought but still enough to help someone else.

Tiny Steps forward

Today was the day I was going to call the new clinic. Actually, I was going to call their satellite office in Westchester in order to avoid city traffic but after I looked closely at the NYU clinic's site, they mentioned they were now in cahoots or what have you, with Westchester and Ct. which led me to believe that the stats weren't reflective of the Westchester clinic so I'm going to the NYC one which isn't too far..it's just a bitch to commute there in the a.m. Anyhow, as I read about the consult they explained you would need your records so I bucked up and called my clinic to request that they transfer my case to me, and they explained I needed to write a letter so it's sitting in the visor of my truck and ready to be dropped off later tonight when I go pick up the sib from the bus stop. I also asked if I could donate my meds to them and they said yes, that they use it for people with no insurance which is good as I probably have a few thousand bucks worth of meds in the fridge. Apparently, and this is one of the things I am so grateful for, my insurance allows unlimited meds....can you imagine? Last time the total on my meds came to over $10K...for one cycle!...the clinic said I have the 'Mercedes Benz of insurance'...don't I know it and it is one of many reasons I don't leave a difficult job..I'm being polite by saying difficult here.... Anyhow, I also found out this week that I do get unlimited IUI's covered by my insurance so if I tried that again (and yes I've been playing with that idea) I only have to cover the sperm which is expensive. In my fantasy, the doctor does two IUI's before proceeding to egg donor and it miraculously works. It would seem like a simple decision to try the IUI but I hesitate because of the expense of the sperm and I can't help but think, "am I just humoring myself here or is there really a chance it can work"? Who the fuck knows. I guess I won't know until I speak to the doctor and I'm not even sure they'll take me as a patient. My understanding of a lot of clinics is if they think it's too far fetched a chance they don't want their stats to drop so they don't even take you. Well, I can't waste my time worrying about this shit.

What motivated me to get moving was actually my friend Z.  She and Diana came over the other night and Z, who is never really an advice giver, said to me, Gem, forget all the extra stuff and just call...don't think about anything. She is right. You can entertain yourself and really just make excuses for reasons you can't move forward...you can sit in your shit all day long, feel like you're not ready, but the truth is you gotta move past that and just act. I know this from my past really but sometimes you just need a real caring friend to remind you and just shove you forward. Z is the friend who said she'd be my surrogate if I needed it...that's Z, generous, loving, and kind like no other...really kind...not nice, kind.

So that's where we're at. I'm hoping, but doubt that, the clinic will send me my paperwork quick so I can get this show on the road. Kay said she'd go with me into New York as long as I drove as she can't drive in NY...why I don't know but alas, I don't give a shit, I'm just grateful she'd come with me. I don't know how I'd get from A to B without my friends. At this point that's what it's like, just travelling from one letter to the next...small steps towards the goal with a little help (or a lot) from my friends...thank God.

One more day

The day started off in kind of a rush. I had taken D to the doctor this past week, the psychiatrist to be exact. D has a significant mental illness aside from being developmentally disabled...hence my fear of adopting...they'd told us D was perfectly healthy and physically D is..I love D like my own child..the closest I may ever come to being a mother but it's a torturous life D has led in many respects...a doll baby that child but alas and as usual..I digress. So I took D to the doctor who informed us that D's cholesterol level has gone up as has their weight and she wanted D to join Weight Watchers. D refused at first until I said we'd take Tess along and then all was well so off I went running this a.m. to get D, drop off Tess (yes and D was fine with it) and run to the meeting I've been avoiding for two weeks. It went fine...I actually didn't gain as much as I'd thought (1 lb. ) and we're on.

Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.

My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.

Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.

Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.

Relief

I'm going to preface this entry by saying that if you're tired of hearing me gripe, groan, moan, and basically sitting in my shit, go read something else as I'm trying to work through my life here so ...

I went to see the therapist chick last Wednesday. She was nice, professional. Unfortunately she lacked the magic wand I was looking for. I'm going back Tuesday and to the disappointment of anybody who knows my last few attempts with therapy, it seems unlikely I will stick with this chick either. The thing is, or maybe the excuse is that, I'm looking for something not available on a therapeutic couch....relief. Relief from my obsessive baby thoughts, my feelings of despair, feeling overwhelmed, but most of all feeling like just giving fucking up. Just throwing caution to the fucking wind, getting lap band surgery, going back to smoking, paying off my debt, quitting my job and joining the circus where I can drink like a fish and not have any real responsibility except to become intoxicated to the point of oblivion from this pain in my heart that I can't seem to quell at all;  A feeling of utter hopelessness from ever feeling truly happy in this life. I told the therapist chick this...not in so many words as I made sure she didn't feel the need to call in the white jackets and the gist of what she said to me, other than the typical rephrasing of all my shit, was that it appears that I know what I want and it has all been well thought out and it appears that my biggest obstacle was the actual drive into the city (this was at the end of the session where they try to round up what was discussed) and I just needed to make the call and wrap my head around the drive there. Really? Really lady. I said, "it's more than the drive. It's much more than the drive. It's the whole thing, the drive is just a part of it"...as I walked out the door and realized that the most important part of that session had ended for her...the check was handed over and she felt like a genius. Therapy, in my opinion, is so much harder to get through when you've been trained to be a therapist. You know the cheap shit...rephrase...and the ending..the summation of the topics discussed...so when someone throws this amateur night at the Apollo shit at you...it's just hard to take them seriously. I just want someone to throw technique out the window and just really talk to me. Anyhow, I'm going back for the same reason I always go back, because I have to make sure I'm not throwing something valuable out the window...I'm double checking myself. How my last therapist, who I really loved, made the cut, I'm not sure. I think it was that she just listened. Really listened and didn't give me some cheap solution. She actually saved my ass as, if you think I'm in the funky dunk now, you ain't seen nothing. Truth be told last time it wasn't so much that I was in a funk, it was more that I had suffered a trauma and was literally, as I've described before in earlier posts, scared of my own shadow...would actually jump if I saw the slightest move out of the corner of my eye and she 'restored me back to sanity' as they say in the big book. Put humpty dumpty back together again, though really, I have never been the same again but at least I'm functioning, without pills and without shaking so hard I could barely contain myself. That's how bad I was last time; I would literally shake. So that's how it went with therapy, and though I can tell you more about past bad "therapeutic" experiences I won't but I will say this, when I was in school a professor used to always say, that we weren't looking to help people and that's not why we wanted to do therapy, we were there trying to resolve issues in our own lives. They recommended we all do therapy to resolve issues before we practiced and from experience, the professor was correct; craziest most maladjusted people I've ever met was working on my degree... but whateva...  Anyhow, I always tell people when they're looking for a shrink to be wary if they seem too crazy as they'll make you crazier and this my friends is partly why I'm squeamish of therapists...I'm crazy already and don't need your crazy or you making me more crazy..well, I suppose that's really just a part of it.

I digress as usual. So today I actually slept in and woke up at 10... I find that the longer I sleep the less thinking I have to do. I woke up made a complex tuna salad that was horrendous and ended up eating PB & J instead and have stayed quiet except for the fits of crying or telling Tess to hush it as I can't deal with her demands right now...guilt guilt guilt.. And just wondering where I go, what do I do to make myself feel better?  I don't know. It's the quiet that's killing me really...that sadness that makes you want to just curl inside yourself and become mute. That's where I'm at. And I keep looking for some relief and it's nothing that a cigarette, a cookie, or a glass of wine can seem to even begin to touch. I want to run, run, run and actually played with the idea of going to visit Ollie in Fla. but he's in the middle of a new relationship and really it's not what I need. I just feel like I need someone to help me but I can't seem to find that person. I'm looking something to assuage all these feelings and just give me some inner peace...some feeling of hope...a feeling that things will really get better, will become tolerable, will be worth living. Relief, relief, relief..that doesn't seem to come.

Nowhere to run

You ever have that feeling you wanted to just run out of your skin? Like it was just to tight and uncomfortable and you didn't know what to do with yourself? I had a cigarette...well, half a cig...and am on my second glass of wine...had 4, count them, 4, oreos....a Weight watchers ice cream bar and a lean cuisine...still in my skin, can't run from myself it seems. Even this, this outlet seems like it's not helping.

I went to an OA thing this morning and struggled to haul my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. Usually, it wouldn't be such a biggie for me but I was tired from yesterday and just tired..I've been exhausted to the point of immobility. So I went and it ran from 9:30 until 1 but I stayed until 12...only because I became very uncomfortable. There was a speaker there who went contrary to what I know of OA saying that you really don't need a sponsor (not that I have one) and that you really don't need a food plan. That as long as you have a solid relationship with good normal eating will come and blah blah blah blah blah....listen, if I wanted religion I would have gone to church. I wasn't the only one having a hard time following this type of shit and get this...chick was heavy... Listen, at this point in my life, where I am today, I don't want to hear crazy talk. You're crazy, think you have magic powers...tell it to your shrink...I need to hang out with a crazy person like I need to gain 10 pounds...I'm already feeling nuts thank you...just leave me the fuck alone.  A guy there said what I felt and said... I don't come here for spirituality, I come here to lose weight and get healthy. What surprised me is the lady in front of me and the chick next to me both thought the chick had discovered the wheel...that is until everyone got a little crazy on the chick. Needless to say I hightailed it out of there but in retro I wish I had stayed. Why? Because the whole thing left a bad taste about OA in my mouth..no pun...and I wish I'd stayed long enough to have a different perspective. Oh well...that's my MO it seems...when the going gets uncomfortable, the uncomfortable get going.

Anyhow, that was it for the weekend. I am exhausted, still feel like shit, and on top of that misplaced my phone. I don't care though. Right now I feel like I don't care about anything. I just want to hide and sleep and cry and if it wasn't for Tess, and for D and for that little voice in my head propelling me forward, warning me that I can't let myself fall too deep into this funk, I'd give in to my urge and just sleep. Sleep, smoke, drink, and eat...that's what I'd like to do. But alas, tomorrow is a work day. Kay won't be in but that's okay as she's in a funk for no reason that I could see, and no reason she can see according to her but it's hard to be in a funk with someone else who is but can't locate why when I know exactly why I am and yet they keep comparing their situation to yours...

Enough. Letting the wine do too much talking. That's it for now. Looking forward to Wednesday (shrink) and really, I think I'm giving it too much weight really as she has no magic wand but I do hope she can help me. Just help me get my wits about me, get my bearings, and get my momentum to propel forward and stop crying.

Second round of clean up

A few months back, when it looked like the shit had hit the fan, I went through my house and removed most of the baby shit...the clothes Diana had given me and that sort of thing. I came back from the vet today, from taking my Tess and as I sat in my guest room at the computer, I looked up on the shelves to see one too many baby books left and I realized it was time to really clean house. Get rid of all the pregnancy books, and magazines...all the bullshit around. I have one pair of sneakers Diana had given me that are just too cute to part with. I also have a maternity shirt..the first thing I bought when I started trying, that I found on sale at the Gap...I kept that too...though I have a lump in my throat about it....not sure really. Anyhow...purging all this shit in my life. I figure if I ever do have a baby, I can buy anything I really need that'd been given to me. I want to shut down this blog and start a new one though I would like to link them somehow and I'm not sure how that works. Will have to take a look at how to do it.

I still have not received a call from the new "doctor/nurse practitioner" I went to though I've called 3 times and she said she was going to call me by last Saturday...here we are a week later. I left her a message...basically it said mail me my test results. I can't talk to her as she's a nice girl and I'll rip her a new asshole the like she's never experienced before and really for what? Just makes me angry. This on top of it all...just makes me angry.

So that's where I'm at. Still brokenhearted, still crying, still coming to terms with life. Angry at God, at the world really, and unable to pray and I'm fine with it for now though like any good Catholic, the guilt is there. I've tried to pray but end up telling God off and really, what kind of prayer is that? So I've cut it down to a few words, "dear God, thank you for your blessings, please continue to bless me and all those that I care about and need your blessings. Amen". I can utter that at least. Right now my goal is to just make it to Wednesday when I see the shrink lady and I'm just hoping that helps...if nothing else that it brings me some relief. I have my moments. Today I have to do a second birthday celebration for "D" and this one is out at a restaurant/arcade type atmosphere...so not anywhere able to handle th is but there it is. I'll dow hat I can to try and get through it. I smoked again. I keep smoking. It doesn't help but it's my version of self-mutilation I suppose...my fuck you to the world but really I'm just hurting myself...it's all so grown up really. Anyhow, this post, this fucked up post that is probably such a downer, is just for me...just to get shit off my chest really. Shits still on my chest but...fuck.

Sitting in my shit and I really don't effin care

I finally spoke to one of the embryo clinics today. I've been so out of it I just thought the girl was gonna be a total asshole but it turns out she was very helpful. Turns out it'll be about $30,000 using them. Her suggestion was that I might want to change to a larger fertility clinic where they would have a larger selection of in house donors. She even went as far as to look some up, give me their stats, and the telephone numbers. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off emotionally..I really don't. I feel like I'm falling to pieces really. I made an appointment with a shrink for next week. She seems decent when I googled her. Time will tell. I have to give her a chance as my m.o. is usually to just run at the first sign of weakness but the truth is I need help to get through this. I've never felt this alone in my life and so discouraged really. I can't believe still that this is almost over for me. It's too painful to even believe but there it is. Just going through the motions of life right now doing my damnedest not to smoke too much and get back on that stuff which probably contributed to my current situation...who knows really. I'm just so sad about all of this and even that sounds like it's not enough to describe exactly what it is I feel. If I had money, real money, perhaps I wouldn't feel that this is all so final. I don't know. I really don't. Who the fuck knows.

She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.

So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.

Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.

Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is.  But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life,  nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.

Meltdown

I lost it today. Just completely broke down in tears and really, I don't even know where I'm going from here. I called the chick Allison at the clinic who returned my call. I explained how upset I was about the information provided. She said that really, what more did I want to know. Are you fucking kidding? I mean..I'm outta touch about some things but what more do I want to know? I want to know everything but I'll settle for some information. Not just the abc's. I explain, not for nothing (and that phrase, not for nothing, is not one you want to hear from my mouth as it's usually followed by something so brutally honest it should never be uttered aloud..but I held back), I said, not for nothing but I got more information when I adopted my dog. I say, Allison, I'll be frank (really?) and say that I was more than a little upset. She says she'll try to see if there's more they can share but it's doubtful. I say I don't think this is the one for me asI know nothing about Colombia. She says, it's the only hispanic we had. I say, listen don't limit me to hispanics. I'll consider Italian or other similar backgrounds but I need to know more. She says, well we got someone from Hungary last week but she's really tall if you want I can try to see if she wants to give again. Is it really just you'll give me any old eggs and because mine suck I have to deal? Really that's what I've come to? I don't say this though. We go back and forth and finally she says there's only a handful of people to choose from. I ask her what are some clinics she can recommend me to for egg donors and she gives me two names and when I ask she says it's significantly more money. She asks me something and I go blank. I go blank because I'm so upset I can't even hear her and I tell her I'll have to call her back. I shut down my computer, call my boss and tell her I'm leaving, email my staff and tell them the same and I'm out of there. I'm so upset I can't think, I can't breathe and really, even now, hours later, I'm just numb. The thought of starting over, of spending more money than I have, of no children, of all the shit that you can and can't imagine shooting through my brain is just floating in front of me, blinding me. I'm angry at the universe for a million reason really. I just can't seem to make any headway here..in this life here. I am stumped as to why, why, why, God is so unhappy with me, or what the fuck I did in my previous life, that I have to have a beatdown in this one. And yes, other people have it way worse, I realize there are starving people and brutalized people and they don't deserve that either but I am just thinking of me, feeling selfish and angry and self indulgent I suppose...I'm not sure. Do I have a right to feel what I feel? I don't care. I feel it anyway.

I'm just exhausted. Exhuasted by this whole process. Exhausted by life. I am calling a shrink tomorrow as I just feel like I can't handle this alone. I'm done really. For now I'm done.

Upset and insulted

I got the donor profile today from the clinic I use. I knew as soon as I saw the envelope it wasn't going to be good. It was one sheet. It tells you their race, height weight skin color blood type...nothing personal. A basic outline of family health history. Mine just said 59 year old mother has arthritis and high blood pressure. That's it. That's what you get. I"m fucking pissed. I'm pissed that they think it's okay to just give me a tiny fucking smidgen of information and that's enough. I got tons more from the sperm donor. I don't understand. I don't understand why it's so brief. Like it doesn't fucking matter. I"m just upset by the whole thing. I really have had enough of this shit. Really really.

Gonna look at other clinics which I can't even believe I'm doing. I'm just pissed.

whacked out on the weekend as usual

I don't know what it is about the weekends that drives me crazy but it happens each and every time. I think it's a combination of having too much time to think about my own shit and too much time spent with the crazy familia. Today was fine though I woke up at the crack of ass. I really don't understand how people sleep in every weekend though I envy them as it must feel blissful. It just never happens for me...well...once a few weeks back I slept until 11 but not straight sleep of course but it was still good. Other than that it's crack of ass every day. Anyhow, it went fine until around noon when my sibling, who was going to come use the pool in my complex was texting, texting , and texting me. Fine. They says they're bringing my mother with them. Fine. They say that most likely the mother would be in and out of my house a trillion times for the bathroom...ummm..yeah, No. There's a bathroom in the clubhouse I say. They call me a few minutes later angry saying listen, there's no bathroom in the clubhouse, they're standing right there and there's nothing. Now I'm fucking pissed because this immediately upsets me...their tone I mean. So I say, "of course there's a fucking bathroom as I've been in it so don't tell me there isn't one". Why are you cursing at me they say? "Because you have an attitude and I don't need my whole fucking day ruined with it just because you decide to bring mom. Look to the right, there's a staircase going down, exactly where I told you it was and there's the bathroom". Oh, okay. I see it. Now this is typical of this sibling. Any little hiccup and they cop an attitude and the whole world has to be miserable with them. This is the same sibling who can't stand my mother, can't stand to be with her for a minute so gives her an attitude and everybody else falls in line. It's a weird phenomena that happens whenver this sib is around..they can be poison and you have to limit your time with them and beware of how they may influence you. Anyhow, I had offered all of the sibs to use the pool though I realize this too often comes with a price.  Not so much my younger sib but the older one is trouble. The younger one makes themselves scarce...can't really say I blame them... It ruined my afternoon.

I've been funking all weekend over the baby thing. Whenever it feels like I have it under some semblance of control, some small thing upset the apple cart. The whole egg donor thing did it for me. I've been sad about it and anxious about it. I have a feeling it's going to just be a huge financial disaster for me that will yield me nothing, and I'm not much of a gambler..but alas, I have no choice really. I would kick myself if I didn't try it. If there's anything to freeze..I'll have to see how I feel but for now I'm leaning that the frozens will have to be for Z to try out in her uterus for size..that is if there are any. That's the plan today anyway. When the time comes we'll see where I'm at. If there are none to freeze, I'll save my money and pay down my debt as quickly as I can and start again. Shit.

Anyhow, it's killing me this baby thing. It was interesting that when I went to the doctor this pay week she asked me if perhaps the pain was psychosomatic; that perhaps it was a result of trying so hard for a baby. I considered this for a second but no, the pain isn't psychsomatic...it's real unfortunately..she determined what it was at the end but it was an interesting thought nonetheless; that all this pain was a result of infertility. Now the pain in my heart...the crazies running through my head..those, yes, are a result of no babies.

I wrote this in two part by the way and earlier when I'd started I felt like shit...just a bit obsessive and heartsore but I feel a little better after having a nice conversation with my mother... A nice conversation with my mother is always an accomplishment; always a blessing of sorts as they're so rare. But it happened and I needed it and I'm grateful. We talked about nothing really. The gossip about town. Gossip about the family on my father's side, gossip about whoever the fuck she'd talk about. Safe topics that didn't hurt and I left feeling like I got away before I hurt her feelings and before she hurt mine. It was good.

And now the week begins and we'll see what it brings. Oh, I got nothing in the mail from the doctor though I'd anticipated that it would have arrived by Saturday. I was disappointed and relieved all at once. It should be here tomorrow and we'll see exactly what it brings..

Some answers

I went to see my new GP today. Actually, she's a nurse practitioner...super nice...super young. Told her all my symptoms...B12 anemia is her guess and it kind of pisses me off. Not with her. She was super cool. Last time I went to my doctor I saw one of the other docs as I couldn't get an appointment with mine. Now, each time I go I usually get a b12 shot and at one point, not sure if I mentioned I had to get them every day...it was kind of crazy but I did it and felt better. I forgot all about how it felt at the time but it all makes sense now. Not being able to move my joints, collect my thoughts, focus, and all the pain. As I was saying, I saw a different doctor last time, the one who gave me the religion lecture regarding the IVF as she ate the Cinnabon...all after I sat close to 2 hours in the waitng room...she refused to give me the B!2..said I can OD... you kidding lady...whateva. Anyhow, here I am with this shit now.

Oh, almost forgot my biggest news...Allison called. They found a donor for me to review. Am I thrilled? No. No I'm not. It's just that I'm still not over it. I know most people may be thinking that I should be over this already and in truth, I'm sick of not being over it. But alas, I feel what I feel and I feel a bit sick over it.

Anyhow, I'd love to write and write and express myself but alas, the hands won't let me as they are screaming in protest at this short entry.