Curve Balls

I had my follow up consult with the doctor on Monday. I fully expected for her to either tell me to do donor egg or give up altogether. She told me money being no object I should do at least another 2 rounds of ivf seeing as I'm "such a good responder"....What!!??...She said Gem, there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant...she can't predict. She said the embryos looked good and my lining was "beautiful".... Heard this phrase before from Dr. B. I told her I'd been expecting to go straight to donor and I was torn and that money is an object as I'm single and not rich though I would wish of course to be a millionaire. Ha ha..joke when nervous. Now this chick is one of the top fertility specialists in the country as well as a top cancer specialist. She was actually recently on the Katie Couric show and this is what she said: "You see all of this? All of this around me (she gestures at all of her awards and there are many).....my job ...everything I worked for? This is nothing compared to my children. Nothing at all. The best thing I've ever done in my life, the greatest thing is my children. You have to keep trying if you really want them. It's something you'll never regret". I tell her how I feel that I will regret it if I don't keep trying. I tell her I think I've made up my mind to go with donor eggs. She says that that's a rational decision and that the statistics are much higher. We talk a bit more and we end the meeting. It lasted all of 10 minutes. As I'm walking to the elevator I realize that now I haven't made up my mind. Now I'm not sure that I want to go with donor eggs. Now what the fuck do I do? I think it would've been easier she just told me to go with the donor, I wouldn't  have so many questions in my mind. Now I'm just confused. If it wasn't that it would cost me so much money to try my own eggs and then donor eggs if that doesn't work out I'd be more willing to just risk it but altogether if I do two more cycles of the IVF and it doesn't work and I decide to go with donor eggs I would end up spending more than $40,000.... money that I don't have. It would mean I would have to take out mega loans, borrow against my pension, against my retirement account,  tap myself out completely financially in terms of savings, and be completely freaked out by it all. I have a significant mortgage as well as a significant amount in student loans, and I also pay a large common charge for my condo complex. If it wasn't for all those factors and I just rented a place I didn't have the student loans perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. By the same token, I know that I make decent money and that my job is relatively secure. What do I do? I don't know. I really don't. J tells me do one more, R doesn't say either way but she's married and I get the impression she's okay financially, Kay doesn't say either way either, Jo-Ann says Gem just do it. I'm torn.

I want to go with donor because I'm tired, tired of all the physical shit ivf puts you through and I believe I mentioned the illness I have that I don't talk about...it makes it worse and it hurts. I know though that there will be a part of me angry that I wasn't resilient enough....tough enough to hang in though the rational part of me says, "it's been 3 IUI's and 4 ivf how much more shit can you take"? On top of this my meds from after cancer were changed and I'm having heart palpitations....not a good time to decide but I'm not getting any younger. Fuck and ugh..

Tiny Steps forward

Today was the day I was going to call the new clinic. Actually, I was going to call their satellite office in Westchester in order to avoid city traffic but after I looked closely at the NYU clinic's site, they mentioned they were now in cahoots or what have you, with Westchester and Ct. which led me to believe that the stats weren't reflective of the Westchester clinic so I'm going to the NYC one which isn't too far..it's just a bitch to commute there in the a.m. Anyhow, as I read about the consult they explained you would need your records so I bucked up and called my clinic to request that they transfer my case to me, and they explained I needed to write a letter so it's sitting in the visor of my truck and ready to be dropped off later tonight when I go pick up the sib from the bus stop. I also asked if I could donate my meds to them and they said yes, that they use it for people with no insurance which is good as I probably have a few thousand bucks worth of meds in the fridge. Apparently, and this is one of the things I am so grateful for, my insurance allows unlimited meds....can you imagine? Last time the total on my meds came to over $10K...for one cycle!...the clinic said I have the 'Mercedes Benz of insurance'...don't I know it and it is one of many reasons I don't leave a difficult job..I'm being polite by saying difficult here.... Anyhow, I also found out this week that I do get unlimited IUI's covered by my insurance so if I tried that again (and yes I've been playing with that idea) I only have to cover the sperm which is expensive. In my fantasy, the doctor does two IUI's before proceeding to egg donor and it miraculously works. It would seem like a simple decision to try the IUI but I hesitate because of the expense of the sperm and I can't help but think, "am I just humoring myself here or is there really a chance it can work"? Who the fuck knows. I guess I won't know until I speak to the doctor and I'm not even sure they'll take me as a patient. My understanding of a lot of clinics is if they think it's too far fetched a chance they don't want their stats to drop so they don't even take you. Well, I can't waste my time worrying about this shit.

What motivated me to get moving was actually my friend Z.  She and Diana came over the other night and Z, who is never really an advice giver, said to me, Gem, forget all the extra stuff and just call...don't think about anything. She is right. You can entertain yourself and really just make excuses for reasons you can't move forward...you can sit in your shit all day long, feel like you're not ready, but the truth is you gotta move past that and just act. I know this from my past really but sometimes you just need a real caring friend to remind you and just shove you forward. Z is the friend who said she'd be my surrogate if I needed it...that's Z, generous, loving, and kind like no other...really kind...not nice, kind.

So that's where we're at. I'm hoping, but doubt that, the clinic will send me my paperwork quick so I can get this show on the road. Kay said she'd go with me into New York as long as I drove as she can't drive in NY...why I don't know but alas, I don't give a shit, I'm just grateful she'd come with me. I don't know how I'd get from A to B without my friends. At this point that's what it's like, just travelling from one letter to the next...small steps towards the goal with a little help (or a lot) from my friends...thank God.

Goodbyes

I have a friend I made from the CCB website as we'd been using the same donor sperm, or rather, her partner was using the same sperm as I was. We talk regularly and her partner had been doing IUI's...12 in total I believe. She just found out that IVF, which would be her next step,  is $26k where she lives and it's pretty much curtains for them. I received a message from her on Facebook that seemed like a goodbye to me. Just brought me down...another one bites the dust and I can't help but think that this may be me in a month or two...biting the reality dust. I felt sad for her but more sad for her partner who is understandably devastated. It's just devastating. It's a loss of your babies...the babies you pictured having as a child...real babies you imagined when you played with your baby dolls and just knew that you would eventually have along with that husband who would be just perfect...shit. Life is just an ass kicker sometimes.

I feel like sometimes my heart will surely fucking explode with the grief and the pain but it doesn't, it just goes on and on and on. Even when I think it's not possible to take another breath, another step, to live another day, it just goes on, and it's as if nothing is happening in your world, nothing horrible. It's not like when someone dies, or when you get fired, get divorced or whatever other horrific thing happens...nobody really gets it unless they have lived it. What you get is people saying, well you can adopt and when I hear this, I just want to tear their eyeballs out. That is one of the stupidest things you can fucking say. Really I can adopt? So can you you fucking ass wipe but that isn't a first choice for anybody and again, I'm so tired of people's easy answers to life tragedies. The right answer is "I'm sorry. How devastating", or something like that. That is the right answer.

Anyhow, I'm pissed tonight and I'm upset and maybe part of it is that I got my period today which is never good for me. All these periods and cramps for nothing. What a joke.

catching up...

Haven't written in quite a while as I could not remember my password and for whatever reason (mostly because I'm a spazz) I couldn't figure out the "forgot your password" thing...Story of my life. Anyhow, so I went this past Tuesday for another IUI and again on Thursday. She said the timing was perfect as were my levels..I had 5 follicles, 4 of which were mature so now I cross my fingers. I was freaked out this morning as I had to start progesterone (due to a short time between iui and period last month) and reading the side effects freaked me out to the point that I tried to call the doctor and considered not taking it but alas, I took it but not happy about it.

I spent the day watching movies on tv and finally cleaned my condo as it was tore up from the floor up. Not messy but dusty and funky and I couldn't take it any more. I've considered hiring a cleaning lady to come in regularly but with the hopes of a baby coming I decided no need to get used to a luxury that would hurt to give up. I used to give this place a thorough cleaning at least once a week but I'm not sure what has happened to me; I just feel so shitty and tired, and like not moving lately so I let it go for 2, count them 2 weeks other than the kitchen which I clean and bleach every night...gross. And I'm sure most people don't think that's super long but this place is a super dust magnet and my bathroom is white except for slate floors so....The kitchen is completely all white too so I have no choice plus I get freaked out at the thought of getting critters so I keep that immaculate. The only room that didn't get a scrub down today was my guest room/computer room and my dining room that I never use only because I'm too tired and don't feel like it..will do tomorrow. I'm hoping to go out with my sister tonight for a burger which I have no business eating but I'm craving meat big time and I hardly ever eat any which pisses my doctor off as my blood work sucks. It'd be different if I was a vegan and compensated for no meat in other ways but my main source of protien is peanut butter, chees and yogurt, and an occasional egg but I'm craving meat so .. I realize I need to up this if a baby is on the way and this week my goal is to make a chicken dish for the week in my crock pot..I bought all of the ingredients except the chicken so we'll see. Oh, I'll share the recipe since it's easy:

In crock pot put:
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
one large bag of frozen broccolli (more if you want it to have a lot)
add 2 cans of campbells healthy request condensed mushroom soup (I'm also going to add a can of healthy request cheddar cheese soup)
Use the healthy request as the regular soups are really not good for you and the healthy requests are lower in fat and sodium.
Cook this on low for 8 hourse.
Serve over brown rice (you can make your own or buy the frozen kind you steam up or go the chinese restaurant and buy or whatever..) Voila..dinner for several days if your single or for a family of 3-4 if you're not. It's total comfort food as it's a cross between a meal and a soup but not real liquidy.



Have to try and eat healthier even if I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I know the above isn't a super healthy meal but it's not terrible. I want a healthy normal weight baby. I don't want my child to struggle with food issues like me.

I went to see a new therapist on Thursday..she seemed alright...nothing special but I'll give her a try. I go again Wednesday so will see how it goes..she seems a little blah, a little disconnected but then again, she's just getting to know me. She was stuck on my degree being the same as hers..she talked about it 3 separate times during the session..funny what makes people tick..

Anyhow, that's the 411 on my life so far. Praying that this is the time for my baby..saying prayers.

Just plain ol' UGH!!!!

I am scheduled for my third, count them 3, IUI tomorrow. Not looking forward to it as I'm not feeling well. I have an illness which I have kept secret for many years and nobody, not even my best friends know, and it just occurred to me as I sit here in pain that I can finally say it somewhere...here. I have an illness that effects only 1% of the population..it's embarrassing so I have never told anyone and no, it's not sexually transmitted...I guess it's somewhat similar to psoriasis except it isn't on any exposed areas of my body. The hormones are making it worse. It's not contagious nor deadly but it's painful as all FUCK!! I say this in capitals as that's what it is and there is no cure because as my Dr. explained, it effects so few people and isn't fatal but it hurts and I've had it since I was a child..no, even as a child I never told anyone...can you imagine? But as I explained I grew up more than real quiet and I'll leave it at that. It has stopped me from doing many things in my life and I could cry at the Fates that have given me this. It is so bad, you could give me the cancer I had twice more and I'd trade it for this. About 4 Dr.'s have semi treated it (or tried to) and I of course had to tell my RE so I guess people do know but nobody outside of my medical life know. My RE said she had another patient once who had it but only knew a little bit about it..I was surprised she knew anything about it but then again..the chick went to Harvard so I'm sure she knows alot about alot. I went through the whole day at work today with this shit and finally came home to do what I can to alleviate the pain. I would normally take advil but that is out while I'm trying to get PG so... I'm sitting here trying to calm down and trying to make this shit calm down with compresses and such..pain...I could cry I tell you..hurts that much. I heard it goes away after menopause and I'm hoping that's the case...so fucked up I tell y ou..just fucked up.

Anyhow, my RE said that if this IUI doesn't take she wants me to move on to IVF. I hesitate for one reason only; I was hoping to save the IVF for when I'm 43 in case I want another one but I say to myself, Gem, don't be greedy..do what you can and you might only be able to have the one..Okay, I'd be eternally grateful for the one and only ask that it be healthy Lord. Just one sweet and healthy baby..greedy would be 2.. Two healthy babies. I could touch them it seems so real..Hope and pray for them and that I stay healthy enough to raise them. That's one of my fears..that I'll die and they won't have a parent but I've asked my older sister if that is the case would she take care of them..and she said yes. She's crazy but she's very maternal so ..

Anyway, enough happy talk..shit's killing me..praying that God alleviates some of this for me.

AF you bitch!

So I'm on day 10 post IUI and I'm thinking..I'm going to test tomorrow as the anticipation is killing me and I can't keep thinking I am pregnant and making this imaginary baby real. She saved me wasting a test stick as the bitch came early. I should have known as I felt mild cramping on two occasions today but I was holding onto hope for dear life and lo and behold I come home from my mom's about 15 minutes ago, go to the bathroom and voila, by the power of television, there on my pantyliner is a red mother friggin trace of that bitch. I realize I'm lucky I still get my period as there are some people with fertility issues that don't but I was so hoping not to have to do this again...yes, me and about a million other people in my same boat. I have to tell you something that really shocked me..upon seeing the blood there on the tissue, though I wasn't truly surprised, what did surprise me was how painful it was to see it. It instantly brought tears to my eyes and I'll admit as I write this that it's still painful. I have got to continue though and just move on with it. I can't imagine it not happening. If it doesn't it's on to plan B... a change of careers and a simpler life..if it's just going to be me it's not worth all of this aggravation. Sometimes I think to myself that I am sabotaging my chances with this weight or maybe it is that I'm just not supposed to get pregnant..but I know how my life has been...it's mostly been a series of things coming extremely easy or extremely hard; no in between, so I just thought it would either be crystal clear that I can't or a quick and easy fertilization. I have 2 more vials put away and someone offered to sell me 3 other vials though how I would get them to my RE safely is something to consider.

I saw my new therapist this past Wednesday and I hate to admit it but I think this is a bust. She sucks. We spend practically the whole session going over her accomplishments with some minor comments about my life. I left there pissed. I think people in practice forget that therapy is not just a conversation. Anyway, I'm not even going to get into it..suffice is to say I have to look for someone else..she is not the one. Even writing about it pisses me off.

So that's my week in a nutshell besides the bullshit that happened at work. It's been a doozy of a week which started off with me escorting Jecca out of my office...yes, that kind of week...just not my week I guess. A beginning with an ending to match though we still have Saturday..God help me.

Baby Making

I feel like I haven't written in quite some time though in reality, it's been about a week. I was inseminated on Tuesday,a surprise as the Dr. had initially stated that it would be Wednesday, but my levels were rapidly increasing so Tuesday it was and then again on Wednesday. I am very hopeful this time around as I had 4, count them 4, follicles. Last week the Dr. thought there were only 3 but lo and behold.. She was psyched as well, so I'm crossing my fingers, am excited, and trying not to imagine a million pregnancy symptoms. I feel fine except that I have (embarrassingly enough) terrible gas pain for the past 3 days. If I tell you that I never get gas, I never get gas but I'm trying not to think about it or over diagnose and yes I googled it and got my hopes up as apparently it is an early sign of pregnancy but still it could also be an early sign of eating too much broccolli.. I'm excited and scared all rolled into one.

I started seeing the new therapist this past week...not thrilled by her but she'll do in a pinch but I think eventually I'll have to switch her out. She's one of these old school tell me about your past type therapists and listen, it's all fine and good, and yes, my childhood was probably not the norm, but it's done and I'm okay with it...but she insists we go over it and tries to match up present feelings with shit from the past..fine, fine..but at the first sign of crazy, I'm out! People ask me all the time, Gem, why don't you hang a shingle? I think about it all the time and at one point I would have loved it..but the reality is that when you're a therapist (or that type of thing) you need to recognize when you yourself aren't healthy enough to work and I think too few people aren't healthy enough. Me? I'm not strong enough right now to take on a caseload of 15-20 people's issues..I can only, and that's barely, deal with mine..so no, no shingle..the world has enough crazy people practicing mental health care. So onward I go, in a field that doesn't require you to be anything in particular..just on your toes and ready to cover your ass in a minute.

Anyhow, I just wanted to catch up, and update this little adventure I'm on. My family is still not keen with this whole thing and the only person who talks to me about it with any genuine interest is my younger sibling..fine, fine..not really but it'll have to do for now..

Hope

Right now I'm feeling shitty again...just that restless crazy feeling that makes me want to eat, smoke and just search for whatever will make me feel at ease, calm me down...

Was a rough day. A good day but rough in certain respects. Had my last IUI of the month this morning waking up at the crack of ass and just feeling crazy restless, tired, but Tess won't let me sleep, and my brain doesn't make it easy either. Today, Diana's husband was sentenced...8 months...she called me hysterical but explained she wasn't upset and could care less if he rotted in jail. She was angry as she found that he hadn't paid her car insurance for several months and had lied to her about it, and that he had also stolen from other people. She explained she felt she'd been married to a complete stranger, a sociopath of sort. There definitely is something wrong with that guy. I had a meeting at the end of the day where I didn't know any of the answers and was using every ounce of strength to stay awake. All in all, it was a good day mood wise and I felt good about the insemination...I feel hopeful but anxious...on overload if you will. My body is tired, I have a headache, I have bloating, my hands are illing me, and overall feel crotchedy. But inside I feel hopeful.

Timing is everything

I went in for my first IUI yesterday. A rather unpleasant experience as it seemed like it was take your partner to the RE's office day. There was one lesbian couple and about 20 hetero couples and I don't know how it is in other RE offices but there are times where patients are streaming out into the hall and this was definitely one of those days. So I'm sitting there by myself next to the only other person there alone and of course I hear reception talking on the phone and they say "Mandinga? Mandinga? your husband is on the phone". Yes, I'm sitting next to Mandinga (not her real name but can't remember it). I'm sitting there with my purse, my huge work bag overflowing with my shit that helps me survive the day and the Ovidrel injection I had picked up from CVS the day before trying with all my might not to cry and texting my friend Kay who thankfully told me I could text away while she got ready to go to work. So I finally go in, she tells me she can't find my little ol' follicle but will do IUI anyway as it could be hiding and inserts the catheter with the quarter inch of stuff I paid close to $600 dollars for and bada-bing bada-boom, I'm inseminated and 45 minutes late to work. I got a phone call later in the day telling me that my bloodwork showed I wasn't ovulating and take the Ovidrel Saturday between 7 and 9... I was admittedly a little freaked at the thought of giving myself an injection, texted my friend who is studying to be a nurse to call me, finally called Ollie who I remembered injected himself regularly when he was going through the big C who told me just do it really fast and it'll be fine. So, I got online, 'you tubed' giving yourself ovidrel and rushed into the kitchen to do it..then rushed to the bathroom to do it as it just didn't seem like a kitchen thing to do. I pinched an inch of flesh under my belly button like the chick on the video, jabbed it in quick like Ollie said and voila..not bad at all..actually super easy nothingness to it. Go in Monday for my last insemination of the month. Feels good..taking care of business. Wishing, hoping, and praying for a little someone...not that Tess isn't a little someone but I have a lot more love to give so...

IUI #1

Tomorrow morning I go in for my first IUI. I'm a little nervous and a little confused. I picked up my injection of Ovidrel which they told me to bring with me however, everything I have read states you need to take it 12-36 hours before you are inseminated. I'm trying to let go of that obsessive thought and move on. Also, it says if you have a thyroid condition you should consult Dr/Phx. Ugh!! So I've said my prayers and just have to let go and let God and hope for the best.

Shi#%!

Tomorrow I go for my sonogram which leads up to Friday's insemination..my first IUI. I didn't think I'd be this nervous but alas here I am pretty shitting. I had a fit of crying this past weekend that wouldn't stop. I blogged about it but there was too much to say and I never did finish that thought..maybe sometime this week I'll bang it out. I think it was the clomid that made me so hysterical. When I tell you I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. It was right before I had to go out with my siblings including "D" so I had to call Kay to help me pull myself together. I sobbed and sobbed and in retrospect, though I blamed it all on the meds and hormones, I think it's the last remnants of mourning for the kind of life I dreamt of maybe just a little. I never was a big one for fairy tales but in my secret life, the one where I didn't have to be so tough and so brave, I did dream of one day finding my knight; someone who could protect me from the too many demons coursing through my brain and walking nearby. Still, when I'm looking at men, I look for the big ones. The ones that can really protect me, not only physically, but with enough balls to do the job. Not the ruffins (as my Godmom calls them) but just the one's that know not to take any shit and that a woman is not their mom, their buddy, or their physical equal. I don't share with everyone that this is how I feel. I have a thing about showing vulnerability; it scares me to let anyone know what my achilles heel may be..but I'll tell you that most of the time I walk around petrified that someone will do something to hurt me physically..men really...hence the life of a spinster here. Oh well. I do hope that somewhere down the line..when the baby or babies are a little older maybe, I can find someone. I real man, not this sorry excuse you see nowadays. I know I sound jaded..I am...I talk about it in therapy and I'm more open to it than I used to be. Trust issues that I don't want to pass down to whatever child ends up in my life. Speaking of...

Did I ever tell you I almost adopted two children? It was a little over a year ago and it was something that literally fell in my lap. The children were 3 and 4 years old. I was able to pull the history on them though and realized that they were from a seriously disturbed mother and changed my mind. I think sometimes maybe it was a mistake, maybe that was my chance. But in all fairness to myself and them I was not in a position mentally to take them. I had just had my "incident" at work, had left my therapist, and was hanging on for dear life. You want to hear weird? Last week the two children came in close proximity to me. I had never met them before but had seen pics and let me tell you....adorable. Not conventionally adorable but adorable. The person who has them seems to be taking good care of them so...but still at times I think what could have been. Maybe in another life I would have been able to cope but after "D" I don't think I could knowingly enter into caring for someone else that was severely disabled. If it was fate and a child of my own, I guess I'd have to find the strength from within, but to knowingly bring one into my life..no. This may sound selfish but any parent of a disabled child would probably tell you the same thing...though they wouldn't change a thing, they wouldn't volunteer to take one on. It's a heartbreaking experience...it still is and things are good with "D"...couldn't love them more..the best part of my life..the person I love the most..but it has caused me pain like I've never known or never thought to know. One of the girls at work who has a child with Autism and I always talk about this...how much you love them but how painful, not hard, as hard is a different topic altogehter, but painful, the situation is. Anyhow, another one of my coworkers is seeking to adopt through the state. It's mostly children who have either mentally incompetent mothers or else drug addicted mothers that the state has available. She was recently hoping to get one she knew had been taken away from it's crack addicted mother. Me, I dont' think I could do this.

So I go in tomorrow for my pelvic sono with an RE (male) that I've never gone to before and I'm shitting. I just hope I'm on the right path..have been asking God to lead me to the right path because I'm frightened and this experience has made me feel more alone or has magnified how single I really am. It has also surpsingly enough made me feel like so much more of a woman..I can't explain it. Just made me feel whole and happy with myself in a way I never have before. Overweight body and all I feel like I really am a whole person, missing nothing..It's a feeling I've never had before; that I am enough. It's good.

Clomid

So I've been on Clomid 4 days now...I find myself extremely tearful and somewhat depressed in the evenings. Also deep sleeping?.. I've also been in a lot of carpel tunnel pain with this heat. Anyhow, tomorrow is my last dose until next month and can't wait to get this out of my system. Next week is my first IUI...!!! I would like to say that I'm feeling nothing but excited but truth be told, I'm scared. I'm scared of doing this alone but I'm more scared of not doing it at all...so.

My friend Ollie called today and it looks like he'll definitely be moving over here. I can't help but wonder if it isn't God helping me out..I hope so. I'm just praying I can do this, physically and mentally and financially. Right now I staff away in my saving about $350 a month. I get a substantial pay increase in two months, God willing and will add that to the monthly pot. This way when I have to fork money over for day care I'll already have gotten used to the idea of living with less. I know this isn't 100% of what it'll cost as from what I see it's about $1000 per month but I figure I'll find a way.

Anyhow dying here of sleep deprivation so..

Hope

Just a brief update:
I went to see my RE today as today was day 2 of my little friend, aunt F, et cetera. As usual, the RE was super nice. She showed me films of my uterus and fallopians and boy is that one tube blocked...no chance of anything getting through there..there's not even a tube..the whole thing is surrounded by mass. But she wants to go on and try the clomid and IUI so tonight is my first night of clomid. I'm going to be honest and say I'm scared to take it. I've never been one for pills and even with all the surgeries and crap I've had throughout my life I've never once taken a pain pill given to me by prescription. The only non-life perserving pill I've taken is a half milligram pill of Ativan for anxiety and I was prescribed those about 2 years ago and have more than 3/4 of the bottle still. I'm not a "drugs" kind of person and my drug of choice has always been food. Anyway I took them..she put me on 150 mg which, if I'm comparing notes seems a tad high but I'm glad as I've gotta give it a good shot. I'm scared of the side effects one of which is nightmares. The shit is, at times, I end up with nightmares already. Last night I dreamt I had cancer again, was locked in the oncology ward with all old people, and one of them had bitten me. I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and had to calm poor Tess down. Any old how, I'm taking this for five days, and on the 19th going in for a sono with another RE as mine will be away on vacay (shit!) and of course it'll be a man (fukc!) but you do what you have to do and on the 22nd I'm scheduled for my first IUI. I am so excited, I can cry thought don't want to get my hopes up.

Ollie came for the visit and though it was brief it was good. He definitely wants to move back to NY and said he'll be my "Manny"...I'm not banking on that and realize I have to be prepared to care for this baby solo (yes I'm already in the mindset that it's definitely happening..praying that pregnancy becomes my reality..squeezing away any doubts that it won't) but it's nice to know he wants to help...it's nice to know I'm not alone. Anyhow, have to hit the hay as I've been up for about 19 hours straight now and this weekend I probably slept a cumulative 12 hours all together from Fri to Sunday..if that so off I go...happy and hopeful to bed and praying for no nightmares or weird side effects.