Under the Strain

No heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling, nothing where you need to exert yourself. That's what it says. Well how the fuck does one accomplish that really? Can you tell me? I don't know. I get home after what seems like the longest fucking day...I'm exhausted. I get a phone call from one of my dad's tenants that such and such has not been fixed. I think...fuck off lady..I don't really care as it's on order and there's not much I can do about it. Really. That's what I think even if it is fucked up. This is the tenant I had to tell off a month ago for calling me every day on a repair she very well knew was being taken care of. I actually asked her if she thought I had a fucking magic wand that I can make things just appear as the guy had been there to measure the night before for her repair and he had told her he would buy the part and install them that week...wtf really. So I go about my business and get another call from another tenant about another repair. This one a legit emergency that needs immediate attention. My repair guy is of course on vacation though I have a few back up people up my sleeve. I tell the dude I'll have someone there pronto. I call my guy he goes down there, calls me, I need a new water tank....$500 that I don't have. Okay I say. I'll drive down there in a bit and get you the money. He'll install it tomorrow. I go to my mom's and get some money. Go to my dad's where D is also visiting. I walk in to find my father half on and half off the floor...the aide trying to get D to help her. I go over but he has completely no strength...he's fucking falling. I tell him dad make an effort but he doesn't. My phone is ringing which I'm sure is the guy to fix the water tank. I tell D get the phone. D is too slow. D get the phone, get the phone. D answer the fucking phone already. I have my dad's knees braced against mine and he's reclining on the bed ass not supported by anything slipping. My father is screaming at D to help. Poor fucking D has the face of pain on. You can't yell at D...it traumatizes D. It's not good. I strain under the weight of my father and ask the aide why in the frick would you get him up....he wanted to. I tell her if he has no strength you don't get him up.  She tells me he screams if you don't and I tell her to let him scream....wtf. All I can think is there goes my babies. I fucking strained like a mother fucker and I'm tired. I'm just tired of it all. I say UNCLE universe...fucking Uncle...I give the fuck up.

D is beside themselves with upset and I give them a hug and say it's not you. I'm sorry that we yelled it's not you but it's too late and D is all fucked up too. We sit for a while in silence, everyone upset for one reason or another and D goes home which normally I would not allow D to go alone but I know D needs to go. I sit and wait for the water tank guy. I start to cry because really how much can one person take? The water tank guy comes and I ask him to help us put my father to bed and he says of course he will. I pay him and say goodbye. My father asks if I don't want to take care of him. The aide explains "she has to work in the morning". My father asks the aide if she'll take care of him. Yes, yes.

It's all fucked up and I go to my mom's to pick up Tess and she starts with her b.s. and I feel guilty because I can't take it even though she's been so helpful and I tell her I gotta go.

I get home.

Last but not least

I went in for the embryo transfer and the doctor..a new one yet again...told me I had 3 "very good" embryo all with the possibility of becoming a baby. I was thrilled...I was thrilled that even one of them made it. He said my primary doctor put in her notes we were to "proceed aggressively" which I took to mean put everything and the kitchen sink in so all 3 went in. Now I'm just praying one of them hangs in there. I spoke to the embryologist afterwards as I wanted to clarify if they had actually made it to blasto and the embryologist stated they had. I wish I had paid attention to the grading of each but really that part is a foreign language to me and I'll know soon enough what I've got or haven't got here. Just trying to stay emotionally neutral.

I'm exhausted as I had a meeting before my transfer appointment and another late night meeting way across the county tonight after the transfer so I ran around today like a fiend but I was surprisingly not my rushed rushed self. I took it slow and just said fuck it if I'm late to whatever. I took Tess over to my mom's after my appointment so she wouldn't be alone for too long, picked her up after the last meeting, came home to a phone call regarding plumbing issues at my dad's, took care of that, another call regarding father issues, will take care of that tomorrow and now it's time to hit the hay as it's an early day tomorrow.

All in all if nothing else I can say I've tried everything. I tried 3 IUI, 3 IVF at the old clinic and one at this creme de la creme clinic. It's all I could do to give my eggs a chance.

Heavy

Tonight we went out to the movies. Older sibling and I convinced D to go. D never wants to go for fear of people, of noise, of darkness. I don't know. Anyhow, we went to go see that movie Identity Thief...don't waste your money but it was fine time really. We left there and it was still early enough to go see my father. D had not drank any of their $5.50 drink and Older sib insisted they take it with them. We go to my dad's and he is cranky as shit. He screams at us to put him to bed though the aide explained she'd just put him in the chair. We put him to bed after he yells at us a second time. He's uncomfortable and wants to sit up. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit up. He wants to get up though we convince him to just sit. He wants to lay down. Yelling at us each time. He's hot, he's hot...fan him. We stand there with one of those hand held fans waving at him. After an hour of this I tell Older sib let's go. Older sib says he's not calm yet. He's nowhere nears calm. I tell her this is every night...we'll be there til morning as he doesn't get calm..it just continues...we go back and forth...we stay a bit longer and D is falling asleep on the chair not having had their meds yet, their shower yet. I again tell Older sib let's go. My father screams don't you leave me here like this. I ask him what he wants. I need to be more comfortable he says. I go help him straining with his weight that I'm not supposed to be lifting having just had my retrieval 2 days ago. He doesn't help. I say you have to make an effort to move or you're staying there...losing any patience I may have had. I haul him over and up and finally have him straight in the bed. I feel the pressure in my neck, my back, my already aching groins. Take the sheets and blankets off and ask are you more comfortable? Yes he says. Okay we're leaving. He yells not to leave him like this. He's hot and wants more fanning. I tell him Teresa will fan him. He yells no and I say we'll see you tomorrw, D says goodbye, I tell older sib say goodbye. Older sib is in the kitchen rummaging around. What are you looking for? Let's go. I'm looking for D's drink. Are you out of your mind I say...come on...who cares about the drink..let's go. Older sib says they'll walk, pissed off now. Get in the car I say, let's just go. We're in the middle of the hood dude. Older sib is sometimes off their rocker...wanted D to walk to my mom's for a fan. Alone down the street where I was almost mugged last week...can you imagine? Did I mention I was almost mugged? This is my life and my back is killing me and I"m thinking...what the fuck am I planning to bring someone into this hell for? What the fuck?

P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.

10

The nurse from the clinic called today and I have 10 embryo. We go in Tuesday to see what's left of them and how many if any go in. I almost cried I was so thrilled ...the most I've ever had though only 1 more than last time. Well, only time can tell what'll happen. I'm hoping and praying...just hoping and praying as that's all I got.

15

They were able to get 15 follicles out today. Though it's my lowest number I was okay with it. One of the nurses said it was a great number and said...this is better than having more as usually more eggs means many are not mature. A second nurse said the same thing at a different time today so maybe it's the truth. It was a beyond uncomfortable experience. This clinic is nothing if not efficient and there are times where you feel like you are on an assembly line...a very efficient fast moving assembly line. I didn't realize my doctor was not going to perform the procedure...they take turns according to day of the week. I never even met the doctor who did it as he came in while I was knocked out and left before I came to...like a thief in the night. They have you lay on a cot where you have to swing your legs over the stirrups...the stirrups are not for your feet but rather for you to swing your knees over and they hang from there...arms spread to the side. The anesthesiologist who was not nice is the person doing most of the talking...there are a bunch of other people in the room..maybe 5 or 6. My last place the doctor speaks to you and walks you in...it's just you the doctor anesthesiologist and the nurse...3 people...My last doctor also knew I didn't want my privates on display and kept them covered whereas here it was like come'on everybody here is The Vagina...mortifying. I make a joke for the anesthesiologist about feeling like Jesus on the cross..jokes being my specialty..and he actually laughed as I tried to hold back tears at the fucked up situation I was in and just hoped for a quick trip to unconsciousness...bless the frigging drugs. Woke up in a different room in sufficient pain and did my very best to fight to the top of lucidity so I can hightail it out of there. Ling was great and just waited out in the waiting room..thankfully they don't encourage visitors in the recovery area...very different from my old place...just wasn't in the mood.

We had something to eat after leaving the city, came home and knocked out on the couch..woke up several hours later. Was just tired. I have an amazing feeling of bloatedness...like gas except it's not really gas..you can't expel it and sorry if that's TMI but it is what it is...

Anyhow so I wait until tomorrow for a call to see if any of them fertilized.. I'm just hoping and praying and trying to stay chilled.

4th Retrieval

I go in for my retrieval tomorrow. It's my 4th and final IVF...the next anything, if there is anything, is donor eggs. My friend Ling is taking me which I really didn't want to have to go with her because she is not the emotionally healthiest person but I was hard up and it's the only one of my friends who doesn't work and that I'm tight enough to ask. You see what a bitch I am...yes, I am. Love Ling..but I have to guard myself around her as she tends to be one of those people that subtly puts you down.. Anyhow, she's taking me and I am grateful. I'm driving in as she doesn't really drive in NYC and she's supposed to drive back with me guiding her but if I'm well enough I'll drive. Kay couldn't do it as the thought of driving to NYC was too much for her..she's petrified which I don't really understand but whatever..I appreciate having people to ask when you can't ask your family.

Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.

Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.

So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.

One down

J wrote emailed me. She got her period. I go in tomorrow for another blood and ultrasound. Everyone keeps saying you have to be positive but I can't help but feel like this isn't going to work. I went onto Sart.com again to look at the stats. They finally have the 2011 stats and my old clinic did surprisingly well. Not as well as my new clinic but in some areas it was close which just reinforces for me the fact that it's not the clinic, the skills of the doctor, the experience, it's me and my ol' hard boiled rotten eggs. Well, there's nothing I can do about it at this point. The truth is I was hoping it wouldn't come to donor eggs but it appears it will unless a miracle happens.

I'm scared. Freaked really. I so want this to work but my brain doesn't allow me to think it will as I can't take the grief. The inevitable grief that will come either way I know.

Ugh.

This is your brain on drugs

I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.

Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.


Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.

My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.

Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.

Feeling a little of everything

Feeling cranky from all the meds and having muscle pain galore. I remember the muscle pain from last time though perhaps not as intense as it is now. The crankiness is almos humorous it's so absurd. I was walking from my mother's house to my father's. They live in one of the shittiest towns here in this county and as I'm walking in the dark..alone...someone comes up behind me and gets so close they actually touched me. Mind you I had my hood up as it was drizzling. I turned around quickly and fucking blew them a new asshole. I think he intentionally intended to scare me...no, truthfully he probably planned to try and steal from me but I blew his ass up. 10 years ago I probably could have physically defended myself somewhat but the truth is after the big C I don't have even a third of the physical strength I used to. So I cursed his ass out, actually came up behind him and asked him how he liked it. Yup, that cranky. I grew up in this neighborhood though I admit it wasn't quite as shitty as it is now but I'm only a bit nervous at night. The crankiness gave me super balls it appears. Crazy....crazy.

Anyhow, one of the other girls J, that I met during IVF orientation had her transfer yesterday. She's 42 and they transferred 2 though she wasn't hopeful as they didn't develop as far as she'd hoped.

I have to tell you that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I might have some hope that this will work even against all odds...this is a set up for disappointment and it scares the shit out of me. I'm still knocking around the dreaded idea of stopping after this. I could scream with the agony of this process. It's just so fucking crazy painful and so crazy what we do to ourselves mentally. I see these other girls; K, R, and J. All of us hoping against hope for a baby. I could cry with the desperation we are all feeling and I see mothers and father everywhere taking their children for fucking granted...they don't seem to realize how lucky they've been...how fucking blessed...they don't seem to realize. I see them yelling at them or tugging on them. Today I saw some guy with the little toddler trailing behind in the parking lot with all this traffic. The kid had to be all of 2...WTF dude..pay attention... but the phone or what have you was way more important...shit.

I went back and read some of my old posts to remember what the fuck had been happening. I had completely forgotten that 7 had fertilized last time but 5 were put in. 9 mature. Those are good numbers. Those are good fucking numbers..and I don't understand why they don't stay in. I want to hope. I really do. I wish I could let myself go like in the beginning and really fantasize about how awesome it would be. I can't. I can't do that to myself..can't open up myself to that hurt. I figure if I get pregnant I'll have plenty of time to do all that. Breaks my friggin heart this whole thing. My sibs are again not interested though I didn't tell them I'm trying it'd clear that I am but not a peep, not a question..fuck it. I have to just do this for me and my life. Me and my hopes and dreams. wow...life is painful sometimes..too often. I still believe it's good though. I really do. Crazy.

The Pressure

So I get a call Thursday after running around like a fiend...like a fiend I tell you. I had to get to the clinic by 7a.m. as I had an all day conference that I could not reschedule at 9...ugh. I get there...they can't find my chart..my fault as I didn't call the day before, can't find a vein because my scar tissue from cancer has made it so the phlebotomist jokes, "you have no blood"..I wish I say then maybe I could rest..ha ha. Then, I can't open the bathroom door in the exam room which makes it so I can't remove my friggin tampon (girl problems..ugh), doctor leaves and comes back late late later...I run run run back to the work site..make it just in time. Pick up Tess during lunch and drop her off at my mom's as she's been alone way too long...run back to work site. We get out early...I'm delirious with lack of sleep as of course the insomnia kicked into the 3 hours I had allotted myself so I run back home sleep for half hour then run to pick up D for D's doctor appointment...D is hearing voices terribly..poor thing..love D....We drive home happy with the doctor pick up stuff for my dad. I get to my mom's to drop D off...where is my phone? Oh no..lost it..don't care for a minute except older sib calls on mom's line that she needs to be picked up. D's doctor calls, she'll be there for another hour and guess what she found? Phone.  I take Tess to my dad's to drop off the food for him...stay with him for 1/2 hour..he's not good..I explain I can't stay as I lost my phone have to pick it up and pick sib up..Dad's unhappy...slumped in his wheelchair a sight nobody ever wants to see...worst nightmare sight you ever want to have of your parents. I go pick up phone, go home make myself a grilled cheese. In the middle of this chaos the clinic calls...my sperm is not there and they can't proceed until I have sperm there.. I'll order it today I promis..yeah, when the frick will I have the time..and who exactly am I picking. Run pick up the sib, get home after 10 conk out on the couch and awaken at 1:30a.m. to realize I took none of my fertility drugs....take them half delirious. Ever try to measure out needles of shit half asleep?...meds I'd never taken before?...yikes.

Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.

I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.

+1

I open my facebook page to a picture of a baby. Yes, another person my age just had a baby...naturally...with a husband. Mattie at work insists that if I just afforded myself a good romp it would happen. Whatever..not my style no matter what. I have to draw the line somewhere and I know no one that I'd like to romp with...sad but true. This really shouldn't be so hard.

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry at the absurdity of it all...really. Think I'll just go to bed.

Getting poked

My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.

I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.

I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.

Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.

I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.

Anyhow, that's what's up for now...