Feeling cranky from all the meds and having muscle pain galore. I remember the muscle pain from last time though perhaps not as intense as it is now. The crankiness is almos humorous it's so absurd. I was walking from my mother's house to my father's. They live in one of the shittiest towns here in this county and as I'm walking in the dark..alone...someone comes up behind me and gets so close they actually touched me. Mind you I had my hood up as it was drizzling. I turned around quickly and fucking blew them a new asshole. I think he intentionally intended to scare me...no, truthfully he probably planned to try and steal from me but I blew his ass up. 10 years ago I probably could have physically defended myself somewhat but the truth is after the big C I don't have even a third of the physical strength I used to. So I cursed his ass out, actually came up behind him and asked him how he liked it. Yup, that cranky. I grew up in this neighborhood though I admit it wasn't quite as shitty as it is now but I'm only a bit nervous at night. The crankiness gave me super balls it appears. Crazy....crazy.
Anyhow, one of the other girls J, that I met during IVF orientation had her transfer yesterday. She's 42 and they transferred 2 though she wasn't hopeful as they didn't develop as far as she'd hoped.
I have to tell you that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I might have some hope that this will work even against all odds...this is a set up for disappointment and it scares the shit out of me. I'm still knocking around the dreaded idea of stopping after this. I could scream with the agony of this process. It's just so fucking crazy painful and so crazy what we do to ourselves mentally. I see these other girls; K, R, and J. All of us hoping against hope for a baby. I could cry with the desperation we are all feeling and I see mothers and father everywhere taking their children for fucking granted...they don't seem to realize how lucky they've been...how fucking blessed...they don't seem to realize. I see them yelling at them or tugging on them. Today I saw some guy with the little toddler trailing behind in the parking lot with all this traffic. The kid had to be all of 2...WTF dude..pay attention... but the phone or what have you was way more important...shit.
I went back and read some of my old posts to remember what the fuck had been happening. I had completely forgotten that 7 had fertilized last time but 5 were put in. 9 mature. Those are good numbers. Those are good fucking numbers..and I don't understand why they don't stay in. I want to hope. I really do. I wish I could let myself go like in the beginning and really fantasize about how awesome it would be. I can't. I can't do that to myself..can't open up myself to that hurt. I figure if I get pregnant I'll have plenty of time to do all that. Breaks my friggin heart this whole thing. My sibs are again not interested though I didn't tell them I'm trying it'd clear that I am but not a peep, not a question..fuck it. I have to just do this for me and my life. Me and my hopes and dreams. wow...life is painful sometimes..too often. I still believe it's good though. I really do. Crazy.
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