Smoking....

I started smoking regularly when I was about 14 years old and I loved it..absolutely loved it, though towards the end, it scared the shit out of me. I officially quit smoking, oh I'd say about 3 or 4 years ago though in the past I'd occasionally have a drag when the shit hit the fan and I thought I couldn't deal with stuff. When you smoke, or when you're a smoker I should say, it gives you something definitive to do when you're stressed, upset, or otherwise unsure what to do with a particular emotion. For me it was always an alternative to eating and I admit it helped me lost weight when I tried to diet. Tonight, at a time where I would have liked to smoke I found myself eating mac and chees...I hate fucking mac and cheese and only had it in the house as Lexie loves it and she was watching Tess for me while I was away. I ate some, Tess ate some, and finally I tossed the shit realizing I was emotionally eating shit I didn't even like. Awesome. I haven't been to WW in about a month and I don't even want to go. It feels like it's not even helping to go and I feel like what would really help me is OA though why I haven't dragged my ass to a meeting is beyond. Well, the truth is, it's not exactly like my life has been anything but smooth but then again, whose life is?

I'm scared of my doctor's appointment with the new fertilility clinic. I think my weight is going to be an issue. And no matter how many times I say I'm going to lose some weight I continue to binge eat and try to assuage my feelings of whatever with food. It's my addiction and since I quit smoking it seems like I can't get a grasp on it at all. I'm constantly looking for that feeling of relief, the exhale out, the release of the tension, and no matter what I do it doesn't come. Part of me feels like maybe I'm self sabotaging, scared to live the life I've dreamt of dreaming. Who knows?

Smoking isn't going to help me with this one and I know they say when you quit one addiction you pick up another but in my case it's really that I picked up the pace on another one of my vices. What to do? I'm certainly not going to smoke again..that's out. I gotta find my way out of this one and I'm not sure how really. My therapist seems to have little to no experience with addiction of any kind so it's really not a resource. Gonna try to hit an OA meeting at least by next week. Will let you know if I make it.

today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

One more day

The day started off in kind of a rush. I had taken D to the doctor this past week, the psychiatrist to be exact. D has a significant mental illness aside from being developmentally disabled...hence my fear of adopting...they'd told us D was perfectly healthy and physically D is..I love D like my own child..the closest I may ever come to being a mother but it's a torturous life D has led in many respects...a doll baby that child but alas and as usual..I digress. So I took D to the doctor who informed us that D's cholesterol level has gone up as has their weight and she wanted D to join Weight Watchers. D refused at first until I said we'd take Tess along and then all was well so off I went running this a.m. to get D, drop off Tess (yes and D was fine with it) and run to the meeting I've been avoiding for two weeks. It went fine...I actually didn't gain as much as I'd thought (1 lb. ) and we're on.

Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.

My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.

Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.

Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.

TGIF

I didn't hear from the girl who offered the eggs after I turned her down in an email...why email? Because we met on the Cryo site and have never spoken in person. I don't want to hurt her as I value the friendship that we've formed but I'm a painfully realistic type of person...if you can't get pg with your eggs I really can't put my money on them either. Kills me as the chick is super nice and any other time the answere would have been a quick and loud yes.

Today was an extremely difficult day at work. I had given most of my staff the day off in one of the areas I work in though thankfully had all my staff in another area (these two areas have nothing to do with each other btw so it's not like they can interchange tasks). Anyhow, I ended up doing work I haven't done in a long time and really, I don't have the patience for it any more. Aside from the patience issue, I get interrupted about a trillion times, my phone wasn't working, and the area that was staffed was having major issues. Kicked my ass today but it felt good to have my juices flowing...felt like I was still alive, that the brain was still working. I was frustrated and glad it was over but also glad to know that I still have it, that I can still do the dirty work.. My job is in human services though not what you'd typically consider human services...you have to be on your toes and guess people's moves, what they're thinking, or be able to get information from them..exhausting. Exhausting, interesting, sad,...it's a lot of things and Mattie, who really had never worked in this type of environment acts as if she finds it as juicy as a soap opera. I guess I'm somewhat jaded as I've worked with the low of the low for too long..to me it's like watching a soap episode except it's the same shit and predictable every day...sometimes the scenes are coming fast and furiously throughout the day and other times you're getting trickles of the show but it's the same fricking show, with the same cast of clowns, pulling the same bullshit move, hurting each other like crazy, using their kids to hurt each other like crazy, being shitty parents...just fucking up each other's lives in general. I'll be honest and say there is a part of my job that I'm not well versed in...that really I have only a little clue about...fucked up huh? I was kind of thrown into it and so I just kind of wing it and do the best I can...so crazy really. If I was more familiar with it, more confident in what I'm doing, I'd probably enjoy it more but it's one of those jobs with too many nuances to do by just observing and I can't really jump in and do it in a way that I'd really be able to learn it...so I'm stuck in this sort of limbo..it is what it is. I'm thankful for the job and though it's not what I wanted to be "when I grew up" it's good enough. A therapist once said to me that loving what you do for a living is a luxury and I believe that's partly true...definitely true in this economy I suppose. Anyhow....

I ate like a pig today and am not looking forward to WW on Sunday as I know it's gone up. I start off the week with the best of intentions and then I fuck it all up..sucks. I'm eating less than I was before but nowhere near my points target that WW wants. Haven't called Rachel either. I don't know what holds me back...my insecurity mostly and a feeling that I won't be successful.  I want what that chick Rachel has..the clean time with the weight loss but I can't find the courage... What a wuss I am, huh?

Tomorrow is another day...tomorrow I'm back on the wagon..again.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

A Tough Week with Tough Choices

 I finally got the paperwork from Allison. I looked at it backwards and forward as I couldn't believe how simplistic it was. It asked you what race you wanted, and then you had to rate that on a scale of 1-3, 1 being very importan and 3 being not important. Then it asked you how important religion was to you but didn't ask you what religion you wanted, same went for ethnicity, then what color hair, eyes, what body frame, height and that was it. I called Allison and she quickly explained that they'll send me profiles of people that fall in between these categories, you pick, take meds to sync up to the donor and then get inseminated....all in one sentence she explained it in sort of a rush. I was upset. I said to Mattie when I hung up with her...just look how quick someone can explain to you how to make one of the most important decisions in your life...bada-bing bada-boom...done. So I checked off all the shit adding my comments on the side because that's how I roll and taped a pic of myself (as requested) on the stupid form and sent it back. I didn't want to harp on it or have it in my posession any longer. I wanted to add to just send me the shit and I'll pick out my own but I can't burn any bridges at this place and just want to hurry up and get this done with and end my relationship with these people already. I added that the person had to have some college and that art was a plus as everyone in my family is artisitc in some way and we can all sing but I'd rather they have the art bit if at all possible. Really, I felt the form said a big fat, We Really Don't Give A Shit What You Pick SOoooo, Just Pick Anybody You Infertile Loser.  You know when you get the feeling that you're done somewhere? That's how I feel. Just do what you can for me here and cut me loose...really just let me go already. I asked Allison the first time we talked if she thought I was grasping at straws because really I wanted to know, and of course she said, "not at all"...no conversation no nothing...yeah yeah, easy answers. fuck. If it wasn't that I'm at the end of all this shit I'd switch to somewhere else. fuck fuck fuck...so tired really of all of this but not tired enough to just quit already. Gotta stay in this fight til I'm completely down on my knees I guess.

I finally gave away all of the baby clothes Diana had given me...I left myself with a tiny corduroy jacket and  a pair of skechers baby shoes...both too cute to give away. That's all I've kept. The books are next and really I could just bag up my whole condo and throw it in the dumpsters...that's how I feel, like I really don't give a shit about anything. I have thrown in the towel almost completely and this next step only holds a glimmer of hope for me. I'm scared of it and I'm scared of the financial repercussions for me after this. I put about $500 on the card this weekend and another $500 this week for car repairs and a trip to the grocery...I had to send a family member another $2300 last week...this ain't monopoly money folks but what do you do? I don't know. Just tired of it all, tired of it but I have to just keep moving.

On the WW front, I'm sticking to it so far these past 4 days...journaling the shit on my WW app. We'll see if I can't hold it...can't refrain from gorging my sadness with food.

I also went online last night and looked up more ethnic donors for sperm just in case I have to pick someone outside of my race...have to spice it up a bit I suppose. Really, I don't care what the kid looks like...just give me healthy and not crazy.

Adoption

Just wanted to write a little blurb on adoption. I have a sort of connection to adopt from Haiti though I hadn't seen the chick in a while. Today she came into my office and we had an opportunity to talk. The process is difficult and it would entail a trip to Haiti...something I really don't want to do. I love Haitian people, I actually speak some Creole which always shocks people as it's not a typical language to learn but it's always intrigued me... I know that it's very dangerous there, very poor, and very dangerous, and though I won't explain how I know so much about it, suffice is to say that I do, even though I've never been there nor am I Haitian. I always wanted to visit until I learned so much about it. It is now a place that even thinking about it scares the shit out of me. We'll see what happens. I gave her some of my personal information and she gave me hers and we'll see where this leads. The one positive is that I meet all of Haiti's requirements for adoption; they ask that you be over 35, you can be single (woohoo!!), and it seems that although not absolutely necessary, they prefer that you don't have other children. This is not an absolute for me, and I'm unsure of the cost but at least I have a start to some info. I haven't given up on the egg donor thing and as a matter of fact, go next Monday to have my second HSG..fun fun. Just wanted to update.

On the food front:

I have been hesitant to write about dieting, food, compulsive overeating, et cetera, on here because it is such a sensitive subject for me and I find that too often, people have simple answers for a complicated problem. By the same token, I have to deal with my food issues so here it is. Kay has a bowl of candy in her office and she won't get rid of it. It tortures me and I can hardly resist it. It's like leaving a glass of vodka available at any time when you have a drinker in the office but alas, I know this is not Kay's problem, it's mine. I find myself eating to assuage my stress and anxiety. I have been obsessing over Asshole and I thought I had washed the thoughts of him out of my head but apparently I haven't. I gotta get over it. I have to move on with my life and I know I will. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg; if it's that thinking of him is giving me the anxiety or it's the anxiety making me think of him....crazy. And though I find that I am having trouble controlling my food, I did begin to journal my food again and I also weighed myself (not as bad as I had thought). I am loosely following the WW program though I'm not going to meetings..will start these, God willing, on Sunday. Will continue with OA but if nobody shows up tomorrow...that's it...I'm done. I'm not doing this shit again where I go and nobody else is there..that's bullshit.

Anyhow, that's it. I'm tired and frustrated tonight and want to drink and smoke and can't write. That's where I am in this life. Just taking one step at a time trying not to walk off that proverbial bridge and just realize that this too shall pass, and that there is always a better day on the horizon. I have to believe this even when I don't believe it. Gotta keep on keeping on (though I hate that saying it fits).

Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.

The Freak Out

I was talking to Kay today about missing the opportunity to go out for drinks before it's too late and it occurred to me that if this happens for me this coming week it'll be quite a while before I can enjoy a drink or even go out with friends for that matter. Why this thought crept into my head today, I'm not sure. I didn't think of this with the last round of IVF but all of a sudden I'm a little freaked. A little freaked that this whole venture may be too much. It's not that I'm having second thoughts so much as I'm wigging a little...I guess it's comparable to what someone might feel the day before they're getting married. Yesterday, I went to Weight watchers with Diana and she cried as she talked about her life, feeling suicidal and never realizing how hard it is to be single. She said she never knew what her younger brother was going through or how I dealt with the loneliness of singlehood.. I explained that for us singles, it wasn't as hard..you get used to it gradually and it's not like something was taken from us or we were made to stand alone after having some other party as a support...we've had only us and so in that respect, we are stronger..grew stronger with time. For her, and others finding themselves suddenly single, particularly if you were married early, it's harder I think..you're expected to suddenly stand alone without that support that you've always had unlike us that experienced a gradual separation from our parents and the development of our survival skills. I think this decision is the exception..the decision to have a baby. For the most part I think us singles are hoping for Mr. Wonderful to show up eventually and then plan a family...the crunch time comes and you have to start thinking of doing this shit solo. Hard decision. Very hard. But I see people do it all the time and I refuse to live with the regret of never trying...I couldn't do this to myself as a person or as a woman...and so..onward. Freaked out but onward. My friend Ling picks me up in the morning to take me to the retrieval and I'm just hoping there are some (really hoping for plenty) in there and that this time they fertilize better and eventually implant..That's as far as I'm willing to hope for today and for this weekend. The rest of the wishing will have to wait until that part is over. Baby steps..no pun.

Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

Forward

So I'm not sure if I mentioned I bought four more vials of man puke. Today I see the telltale signs of my period coming on along which means I go in Tuesday for that pelvic penis procedure. They're closed Monday for the holiday, I checked. Anyhow, for whatever reason, self protection, or what have you, I'm not as excited as I was the first month around. I keep thinking getting pregnant seems so far fetched. I felt my ovaries give a lunge yesterday when the cutest little boy came in with his mom. She let me carry him and he was delicious. Little caramel colored boy with a big ol' fro smelled like cocoa butter..so cuddly..yeah my ovaries lurched, lunged, and twitched. So I'm trying to just stay positive. I did something else, aside from buying that maternity shirt a few months back, I bought a baby carrier on ebay. It's one of those carriers you wear on the front..got a good deal in my size and I just decided to indulge myself at the cost of $16 I thought it was worth the little treat..even if I never get to wear it..who cares. I keep praying for God's help...for a healthy baby with a p.s. of healthy girl please..lol..I'd love a boy too but..

Anyhow, I called the first therapist I went to see to ask for asecond session and she has yet to call me back. Hmmm...sign that maybe this chick isn't the one. Two days is more than the average for a therapist..they usually call you back the same day..gonna try and check another one out next week. See, this is the shit I hate about trying to find one...half of them are nut jobs themselves..Ugh!! but I need the support or would like the support..especially going through this thing. I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm going to a barbecue/picnic at my Godmom's tomorrow night..I love her to pieces as I mentioned before..she's just so good to me. I asked her if she wanted me to bring anything and she told me to bring coffee creamers..I knew she would ask me to bring them..lol.. She says with her heavy Bronx accent, "Well, I guess you could bring some of those creamers like last time..". I picked them up tonight on my way home from my mom's and will bring something else..alcoholic from my cabinet..most likely as I have tons of booze her that I've gotten as gifts..no way I'd ever get to all of it and she likes to have her cocktails. So that's my plan for this weekend...that and I was hoping to head back to WW (weight watchers) sometime too. I need to move on this shit and stop procrastinating. The goal now is to eat healthy rather than lose. I don't want probs for my baby because I'm a junk food addict who can't control herself....Anyway, I babble..

Not looking forward to the period penis pap but alas it's the price we pay for babies made solo.