I finally got the paperwork from Allison. I looked at it backwards and forward as I couldn't believe how simplistic it was. It asked you what race you wanted, and then you had to rate that on a scale of 1-3, 1 being very importan and 3 being not important. Then it asked you how important religion was to you but didn't ask you what religion you wanted, same went for ethnicity, then what color hair, eyes, what body frame, height and that was it. I called Allison and she quickly explained that they'll send me profiles of people that fall in between these categories, you pick, take meds to sync up to the donor and then get inseminated....all in one sentence she explained it in sort of a rush. I was upset. I said to Mattie when I hung up with her...just look how quick someone can explain to you how to make one of the most important decisions in your life...bada-bing bada-boom...done. So I checked off all the shit adding my comments on the side because that's how I roll and taped a pic of myself (as requested) on the stupid form and sent it back. I didn't want to harp on it or have it in my posession any longer. I wanted to add to just send me the shit and I'll pick out my own but I can't burn any bridges at this place and just want to hurry up and get this done with and end my relationship with these people already. I added that the person had to have some college and that art was a plus as everyone in my family is artisitc in some way and we can all sing but I'd rather they have the art bit if at all possible. Really, I felt the form said a big fat, We Really Don't Give A Shit What You Pick SOoooo, Just Pick Anybody You Infertile Loser. You know when you get the feeling that you're done somewhere? That's how I feel. Just do what you can for me here and cut me loose...really just let me go already. I asked Allison the first time we talked if she thought I was grasping at straws because really I wanted to know, and of course she said, "not at all"...no conversation no nothing...yeah yeah, easy answers. fuck. If it wasn't that I'm at the end of all this shit I'd switch to somewhere else. fuck fuck fuck...so tired really of all of this but not tired enough to just quit already. Gotta stay in this fight til I'm completely down on my knees I guess.
I finally gave away all of the baby clothes Diana had given me...I left myself with a tiny corduroy jacket and a pair of skechers baby shoes...both too cute to give away. That's all I've kept. The books are next and really I could just bag up my whole condo and throw it in the dumpsters...that's how I feel, like I really don't give a shit about anything. I have thrown in the towel almost completely and this next step only holds a glimmer of hope for me. I'm scared of it and I'm scared of the financial repercussions for me after this. I put about $500 on the card this weekend and another $500 this week for car repairs and a trip to the grocery...I had to send a family member another $2300 last week...this ain't monopoly money folks but what do you do? I don't know. Just tired of it all, tired of it but I have to just keep moving.
On the WW front, I'm sticking to it so far these past 4 days...journaling the shit on my WW app. We'll see if I can't hold it...can't refrain from gorging my sadness with food.
I also went online last night and looked up more ethnic donors for sperm just in case I have to pick someone outside of my race...have to spice it up a bit I suppose. Really, I don't care what the kid looks like...just give me healthy and not crazy.
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