I have periods of time where I'm feeling fine and periods that I feel I'm back down on my knees asking for some mercy. I have a lot to be thankful for. They are laying off left and right where I work and at this point I'm safe. Safe and grateful as I know there won't be another job coming along in some time that comes with this salary...not with a degree in something related to human services anyway. Asshole is getting laid off. Am I happy? Satisfied? Smug? None of the above. I feel a deep sadness at the things I am lacking in my life compared to what I have. I guess it all evens out as some of us have these huge luscious families and others have these huge fucked up careers...very rarely do we get both at least not where I come from. I'm grateful and I hate to say but...buttttttt...Today I was minding my business, doing some grocery shopping as Diana and Z are coming over. I'm on line and I hear someone say, "Gemma? Gemma So-and-So?" I turn around and search the person's face. That this happens to me a lot is an understatement as I live in a small area and I've been around for a while and most people have either met me or heard of me and rarely do I ever remember their names...fucked up but true and really, on a regular basis, I meet an average of about 10 people so... Anyhow, I remembered her...grade school. And there she is pretty as a picture with her red hair and her baby with flaming red hair and it was nice to see her but she asked the dreaded.."Kids"? ..."No, no kids, I wish" I say, and then the awkward.."You can have mine" comment/joke/what the fuck do I respond to that. In my head I think, ..really? Can I really have yours? Because I might just take you up on it. But of course I say the polite, "Oh is that your little girl?.. She's lovely. Too cute really". And I do all I can to bag all my shit and haul ass before I start crying. I make it to my car, feel the tears well and manage to pull it all together and finish my crazy lunch break itinerary of running from the grocery, to the bank, to the post office, to the gas station, and finally find my way back to the office. God is good and puts my neighbor, who also went to graduate school with me and interned with me in the office and I bring her in and we shoot the shit til just about time for me to hightail it out of there and I'm home to vacuum and wash out the wine glasses, pack up the groceries and wait for Diana and Z.
I haven't written in a bit as really, what was there to say? I'm waiting as we speak for my period and there's a part of me that doesn't want it...doesn't want it to come. I need to just get on with my life and I can't seem to manage that feeling like I'm constantly in limbo with this fertility thing. I'm just exhausted by it, emotionally and even physically exhausted by it, and I secretly think it's just not going to happen but the thought of that is so painful, so agonizingly painful that I can't fully allow it to play out in my head. You know what I mean? I can't think outside of the simpleness of just that statement "maybe it won't happen"...outside of that I need to shut out any other thought on the topic. So for now...I wait. As soon as I get it I have to call the lab to schedule an HSG test and then call my doctor to tell her when it's scheduled...as I write it my body goes numb..that's how much I hate the thought...the thought that I'm getting closer and closer to perhaps the biggest disappointment or the biggest joy in my life. Fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment