No news is No news

I haven't written because really nothing has been happening on the baby making front, the dieting front, or any other front taking up space in my brain and body. Tonight I finally finished the medication prescribed to me after having had my uterine study last month and I have my period..or what appears to be my period. Went for blood work this morning for my thyroid levels and iron levels which are both all fucked up as usual..at least the iron thing is as usual. My uncle is here from wherever he's from which is great as it seems that we never see family from wherever they're from as much as we'd like. His wife is due to fly in next week. He's fixing crap up in my condo which is awesome. Upon his arrival, my other uncle, who really isn't my uncle, came over with his wife. The wife told me my mother told her I was trying, told her she's not happy about it, and of course nobody could understand why she isn't...duh..anyhow my uncles wife told me she's praying that it happens for me and she'd be happy to help me when the time comes with babysitting and such..cool huh? I thought it was very nice of her. Anyhow, not gonna bore you with the rest of the b.s. but wanted to touch base to say I'm still out here fighting the fight, or at least preparing to fight it, rolling with the punches, and trying to make life happen for myself. We'll see how it turns out.

Faeries, Thieves, and Showers

I was invited by my fairy godmother to the babyshower of her grandson who is all of 21 and his girlfriend who is about that age as well, is pregnant with her 3rd, count them, 3rd child (by different guys mind you). Anyhow, I was scared to go for a million different reason but I mustered up my courage Friday night and took "D" with me shopping which ended up being just okay and not as heartbreaking as I thought.. Really, I just chose several of the on sale outfits and shoved them in a gift bag...fine. Saturday I dropped Tess off at my mom's to stay with my sibs two dogs and off I went. I was greeted by my godmother's husband Jules who is a show-off but like my Godmom..honest to a fault. I come into the house and he promptly tells me that I better lock my purse in my car as his Grandson is going to be at the party and it won't be safe inside. Right off the bat I know I'll be fine..I mingle, I help clean, I help serve, I get buzzed, it's all good. Her presents were simple gifts really and even though I was unusually conservative with my gift, it was one of the more generous bags. The highlight of my evening was when my Godmother announced in her high pitched voice how I'm trying but due to the fact that I'm single will be getting inseminated! I wanted to ring her neck..I jabbed her in her 80 year old ribs instead and told her to hush it. And that my friends was another lovely weekend!

Emotional Ass Whoopings

Tomorrow I see the doctor. It's been a while since I've been to the clinic and I'm trying to prepare myself for another bout of emotional ass whoopings. I used to walk in there smiling and walk out of there euphoric but alas, reality has reared it's ugly head one too many times to give me negative news related to that joint... so I go in tomorrow with a heavy heart and a fear that I won't recognize anyone; that everyone would have gotten their little piece of heaven and I'm still at the starting gate waiting, just waiting and hoping that there's a little piece left for me. We all sit there together and you get to know your group...there's the orthodox couple where the woman is a teeny tiny young beautiful thing and the guy is gross and mistreats her...the other couple with the beautiful tiny wife and big ugly dude who treats her like a princess...the yuppy couple who speak in nods and eye movements not daring to move their lips..and the list goes on..we all notice each other, raise our brows to each other but never speak to each other...weird really. I imagine that I'm the "woman who is never there with her partner"..if they labeled the way I labeled, I imagine that's who I'd be..the "no partner is ever with her" woman. I'm cool with that in theory, but at times it is, I'll admit, an emotional bummer. So I go in tomorrow to see my beautiful, inside and out, doctor who I imagine has the perfect life with her beautiful husband and two boys..(yes, I think I mentioned I looked her up and found out, regrettably in retrospect, too much information about her...uh, I'm a total nosey stalker)..I don't resent her blessings as she's that nice..too nice to even be jealous about..like a lovely angel really. This is how I see her..ethereal..and I'm not alone..Kay says the same thing, that there's something ethereal and almost glowing like about her..weird, huh? That's my doctor. I'll see her and she'll pump me up with hope and then soothe me with her gentle words when my world comes crashing down. Hoping that tomorrow doesn't bring any bad news..she said she was waiting for the pathology report and historyically, this hasn't been a good thing for me, these pathology reports....Don't even want to go there but the brain goes where it goes. I imagine if it was horrible news I'd of gotten a phone call so..that's good. Going to try and go in with some semblance of a positive outlook..it'll work this next time I'm sure..God willing..please God..

Oh, ..my fairy Godmother called to invite me to....drum roll please...a fucking baby shower! Yes, yes, no fucking applause at my luck but it's all good. It's her fucked up grandson's girlfriend who is having a baby and I don't think there's one person happy about it. I'm totally fine with it really...it just hurts the teeniest tiniest little bit..totally tolerable pain. I even get to go baby shopping for a nice gift..now that, yes that'll hurt.

She couldn't have been raised by this woman

I went to my mother's house today with a sense of relief as I knew she was gone for the day. Off to Atlantic city to play the slots which she does on occasion. So the younger sibling was home as they had agreed to spend the day caring for "D". It went surprisingly well...we went shopping and had a pretty decent conversation about where we were going in our lives. As soon as my mother arrived my hackles went up...she was home earlier than I'd thought and I immediately began to scramble getting my belongings together...she named a million things she'd left to be done, rattling off the list asking if they'd been done, and I called up to my younger sib to be on the watch as she was on a roll. I'd almost made it out when I said the unthinkable..."mom, keep in mind that this is {sibling's} weekend too and don't ask for too much tomorrow". Yeah,.. wrong thing to say. Went off on a tirade of what do I ever do for her...what does sibling do for her..she insisted I tell her so I did...pissed her the fuck off. Gave her the laundry list: go to the supermarket, go to the pharmacy, write out her checks, take her to church, pick her up, do her hair, call her doctors, read this letter, et cetera et fucking cetera... She stone walled me. As I try to explain that my goal isn't to upset her but just have her try to keep in mind that we get tired too. She tells me we have no consideration for her and what is my problem with her. We have no consideration of you? I ask..are you out of your mind?! She stopped talking to me...completely stone walled me. That's usually my father's move to stop speaking. I told her that I always seem to upset her but the truth is I'm the only one who'll say something to her. I tried to say it all calmly and conversation like. I told her maybe it's better that I don't visit any more...Nothing. She won't answer. I left. I feel bad and think it is me. It must be me as even she, who has whatever it is she has, dementia?, has noticed that it's me...point blank said.."I don't know what your problem is with me". It must be me. I think to myself that it's probably better that I don't go back there...too much stress and I wonder where did this anger come from. I feel a definite anger towards her and it comes out.. I won't lie about that. I call her on all her shit and won't let one slip by though each day that I drive to her house I pray on my way there that I don't upset anyone and that I don't get upset. I wonder sometimes who this lady is...why she isn't the mother that I want..not why she can't be..why I can't accept her...I'm not sure...I don't know what it is about me that expects her to be more than she is..maybe more than she can be or could've been..where did this come from. I am an angry bitter person I think to myself. I am an angry hostile person. I think of my doctor...Dr. B who is all things good and sweet...beautiful inside and out and I wonder how her mom was towards her. What surrounded her to make her so sweet or was it just how she was meant to be. I think of that show...19 kids and counting and how the mother on the show explained that she consciously makes an effort to speak to them sweetly as that's what type of mother she wants to be and what she wants her kids to experience and her husband explains that if they don't speak to them with respect there'll be no trust and respect reflected back and I think..Is this my problem, what went wrong with me? Why can't I be a sweet warm person, what made me this hard angry hypersensitive person? And what did I want from them..what exactly did they do that made me so angry at them? Just annoy me really...maybe I am magnifying her deficits more than the average person..maybe... I'm not even sure of anything any more. All I know is that when I leave there, I feel like a bad person. When I'm there I just want to eat and eat and eat..I want to yell and yell and yell and argue argue argue and I always leave upset..can't recall a time that I left there feeling adequate or sane..always a bad feeling. I have nowhere to run..no sanctuary outside of my home where I can go to tell someone. The new therapist doesn't seem like a resource, at least not yet..probably not ever though I don't want to be such a pessimist..Not sure. What I do know is that something needs to give..something needs to change..I need to change my reaction to her. She had me list anything I do for her...I'm listing laundry fucking detergent puchases for crying outloud. Fuck. Fuck, I tell you. Fuck. Grocery shopping trips. Listing shit I do for "D". Since when do I have to qualify what I do for her. I asked her, what do you do for me? Can you list something? Just one thing? Fuck. How petty. How motherfucking petty.

You know, mother's are so important. It's our refuge I think and when you don't have one you're lost. My mother never had one and in turn she could never be our refuge..MY refuge as I have to learn to keep it in the "I" and not speak for my siblings. I've felt lost for as long as I can remember though we all try and go back to the house to find our peace...the missing piece..I wonder what type of mother I would be if given the opportunity. Would I be supportive, argumentative, angry? Would I love enough? Would it be enough to satisfy a child..with my broken self? I think yes at times as I think I love Tess too much..smother her, overdress her for the weather, baby her. Is this good mothering? Does anyone really know what it is? Not sure.

Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

A fix for crazy in brief

I'm a big fan of the show, the Mentalist. If you've never watched it I'd say take a look when you get a chance. For a large part of my early life, I lived my life observing everything that went on around me. I was quiet to the extreme as I'm sure I mentioned at some point in this long story. I mention this because the main character figures shit out by just being super observant noticing shit you might not have paid any mind to...so interesting.. Anyhow, I digress...in one of the first shows the main character makes a comment that has stuck with me and I think about all too often, " a therapist is a disease posing as a cure"...I went to see the new therapist. She's bright which is good...she is a teensy bit judgmental and I don't think she's too keen on us having the same degree from the same University and knowing almost all of the same people. Every time I mentioned someone she would fill in their last name...hmmm...given it a chance. Gonna try and do the 10 first sessions allotted by my insurance and see what happens. I left there feeling worse than when I went in so that being said, at the first hint that I am regressing..it's all balls to the wall and I'm outta there but I have to give it a chance. It can't be that every therapist sucks..sometimes it's gotta be that I'm just super sensitive. The shit is, if you're therapist has issues..you're fucked. The number one thing I remember from grad school was a professor mentioning that all of us were studying to do therapy not because we wanted to help people but because of our own issues that needed to be resolved. I totally agree though I'm sure most therapist might not..but the truth is, most of the therapists I've met are fucked in the head. It's like the fact that the majority of drug counselors have a history...coincidence? don't thin so..crazy fixers have their own experiences as well. So I tread carefully.

BTW, the friggin antenna up my crotch..bitch and a half...just thought I'd mention it.