Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Back to the plan

Today I went back to the IVF clinic. Kay went with me at my request because I still wasn't comfortable with the commute into NYC...and the GPS goes crazy with all the bridges and tunnels..plus I wanted the company. Kay is my angel..I swear it. Anyhow..had blood drawn. Spoke to 2 people regarding the no period..they didn't seem that concerned. And last but definitely not least..attended the IVF class even though I'd already gone to one at the old clinic they made me do it again. I met 3 ladies there. One, the youngest who I instantly didn't like was 35 but she ended up being okay. I'm giving her all my old meds as she's paying for them out of pocket which is ridiculous. The second chick is 42 though initially said she was 41..I knew she had lied as I had looked at her DOB written on her folder...she is also using donor sperm. The third, and the one I know the least is also I believe in her 40's and has never tried anything. I emailed them all to just follow up and invited them to keep in touch. Going through the class brought back all of the old feelings of dealing with all the injections and the stress of all that crap but at least it distracted me from the stress of work.

Speaking of.. I asked Kay today if she though I was getting fired. I feel like I'm being set up..I really do. There is nowhere to turn though. My boss' boss is the County Exec who is planning to exit soon and really, who goes to the country exec to bitch. There's nowhere to go. The union can't help me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to obsess but the stress is ridiculously intense. I'm thinking of applying to a job, also with the government that is posted. It's about 40,000 less a year but it's not nothing.. Gonna look at it again tomorrow when I get to work and see if I qualify for the exam (all the jobs are by examination..civil service..), and go from there. I don't want a cut in pay but at this point the stress is ridiculous. I figure if it comes down to it I'll figure shit out.

I never called the guy back. Did I mention the guy? Not sure if I did or not but never called him. My feeling is if he wanted to reach me he would have called me in the evening when he knew I'd be home instead of just leaving messages during the work day...what the fuck is that? Anyhow, I chickened out because I'm now chickenish. My therapist said I'm stronger than I think but I think she's got it wrong. I think I'm weaker than she thinks...not weaker but more emotionally vulnerable. I feel at times I'm at the precipice of insanity.

Anyhow..I go off as usual. So I'm back on track for babyville. Hoping and praying which is all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

I'm a Wuss now..sh#$

I've turned into such a chicken shit I can't even stand my sniveling self anymore. I'm freaked out at work and feeling anxious left and right. I'm super freaked about this upcoming IVF thing and even just waiting for my period (due tomorrow) is totally stressing me out, even though it's not this round I'm doing, but next round....freaked, freaked, freaked. I have to call them though the day I get my period this cycle..why? I don't know..I'm just too freaked to really think shit out. And last but not least...I'm freaked that this guy that is supposedly interested in me is calling me...at least I think it's him as someone, with his same last name, left a quick message yesterday on my machine telling me to call him but not saying why. Supposedly this dude met me at work though he was not a client and of course I can't remember him for shit because that is how I roll...I never remember anybody...just meet wayy too many people. Kay doesn't remember him either. Who the fuck knows..but I'm freaked. I feel like shit about my body and I can't go out with anybody like this. Aside from that I'm in the middle of trying to make a baby... He's actually the same mix I am and works in a sort of similar field.. If he was the one that left the message, he has a slight accent...not really my thing but who the freak am I really.

Anyhow, I'm trying to be calm as I know I have to be for this upcoming cycle but I have too many fires going at the same time and the stress is just ridiculous... Mattie tells me to pray about it and I try to pray but I'm distracted by my own thoughts..craziness really.

Any ol' way, I can't write as my hands are killing me. Wanted to just touch base and catch up, let go of some of these thoughts here on these pages.

Trying to stay cautiously hopeful about the next few months. I'm scared as it's more hopeful than cautious and I can't have another broken heart this year...

Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Pain in every corner

I usually get the weekend paper from my mother but right now she and "D" are out of the country and I stopped her subscription so I ran out yesterday just for the local Sunday. Me and the paper have a love hate relationship. My sibling always says I should be in politics as I get myself all riled up by the injustices in the world and I guess I can put up a good debate...it also makes me pissed as all hell so I always tell sib to just can it and mind their own bees wax...Anyhow, as usual, I digress. I get the paper and look for the coupon section and for whatever reason, I can't look at it. It doesn't instantly register as to why and the first two pages are not coupons at all but rather an ad for the Olympics. Today Kay brings in coupons to share and again I'm looking at the Olympic's ad...I look...wtf is bothering me...an Olympian hopeful with her mom...they look identical and I look away from it and up from my desk and find myself looking into the little stand up mirror that's on my desk purchased at the dollor store and I realize...this will never be me. I will never have someone with my curly, curly, curly, hair, or my million freckles that I really shouldn't have but that all my siblings do (we have no idea where we got these shits from), or my full lips or my "near perfect" teeth (not my opinion..my dentist's)...and yes, I also won't have a crazy kid who is hypervigilant nearing paranoia, supersensitive almost to the absurd, fightst depression, or has the overweight gene..but I will miss the frigging freckles, and I will miss the curls and I take a good look at the pic and it breaks my heart just a little and it makes me cry just a little. And I know, I have to accept, even if I don't like it or I don't want it, it's not one of those things where you can say " I don't accept" like I've done with all the things that just weren't tolerable in my life...in this case, whether I accept it emotionally or not...the choice isn't mine..I have to accept that it'll never be and that's it and Amen.

Earlier today I got a call from one of my staff (frantically mind you) asking for help with a client (child) completely nuts and out of control who finally had to be restrained by an officer. I run out of the building to where she's working, not knowing what to expect. He rolls his lower lip against the glass at me when he sees me....soooo silence of the lambs like. Ugh. I asked her, what's wrong with him...her reply? "he's adopted". Fucked up? Maybe. But too often we work with these kids that are all fucked up and out of control and too often they have that one common denominator..adopted...this was also too often true when I worked with the dually diagnosed (mentally ill/addicts), I would say 75% were adopted. D is adopted...my poor sweet D who breaks my heart, just breaks my heart with all they've suffered. This isn't always the case. I have 4 friends growing up who were adopted and are relatively normal...one is an alcoholic but that didn't happen until she was in her early 30's, and two of them are a little whacked but hey people who live in glass houses....  It still scares me this about adoption. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that what I see at work is the worst of the worst in terms of children, in terms of men, in terms of marriage, and there are happy endings. Diana always says that she doesn't know why God sent me to work where I work as I was already warped when it came to men...who the fuck knows. I know I learned that some men are good too..I learned this from some of my coworkers who are relatively good people (yes, they do exist). My one coworker Henry who was married and never cheated but was left 2 years ago by a cheating wife (he has some serious control issues but would help you if and when the shit hit the fan...good people..not marriage material though) and my other coworker who I won't even give a name, who is sweet as sugar and it appeas that his wife has recently left him after 20 plus years of marriage...nices guy but a bit effem for my taste..but good people...real good people...they do exist....and I guess this is something I've learned from working there...but the adoption thing...it's just been re-inforced.

Anyhow, I find myself babbling. I just...I just want to not look and see things that hurt me so much...I can't imagine living my life with this...living this forever. Seeing every baby ad hurt me, seeing every pregnant lady hurt me, every baby coupon, every child's toy...just facing this at every corner...I don't want this to be a forever.

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.

Dreaming

I had several nightmares last night..real nightmares with monsters and the like. The last thing I remember hearing was my sibling saying to me, you know what that symbol around your neck means don't you? Referring to the new turtle necklace that I'm wearing. My coworker Lexi, told me how in her culture a turtle represents fertility and her mom told me I should find one and wear it at all times and didn't I go to Kohls and find about 5 different pendants with a turtle on it? Coincidence? I think not. Anyhow, I haven't written in a bit and I guess I just needed time to get my brains back together and I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. The weekend was particularly difficult. I spent about 15 minutes talking to a visibly pregnant person I was introduced to...all of 23 years old and you know what, really, I think that's about how old you really probably are supposed to be when you start trying..for your body to be most receptive so who the heck am I to judge and I didn't. Not like I normally would anyway. I don't see young people who are pregnant as a disgrace, or a person making a detrimental mistake in their lives..I feel, if anything, people like me, who wait for the career and that elusive prince Charming, are perhaps the fools. Someone should tell you, Hey, he sometimes doesn't make it and don't wait til the last minute and girl, you don't need to have a man..you can be your own woman! But alas, that's not how life is so here I am on the cusp of 40-fucking-one trying to have a baby and desperately hoping that I can just squeeze one out..that I'm wrong in thinking that I did in fact wait just a bit too long. Someone, Oprah or whoever the fuck, should have done a show at some point saying girls, those actresses having babies at 46: they are using donor eggs my friends- so don't think scientist have a magic wand..the eggs do not stay fresh forever! Nobody ever says that...I don't understand why that is. I have a sister who still believes it's possible to have babies older..even though I've explained that the doctor says after 43 it's near to impossible..I say near because there is always that freak occurrence but people seem to think you go to a fertility specialist, and voila! Poof!! they can get it done. I thought this myself..you live and learn. So I just wanted to touch base after once again perusing the online plus size maternity sections in the stores that have them and planning my imaginary wardrobe if it were to ever happen. Dreaming as usual. I have to keep dreaming as it'd be too painful to face the other..the thought that it won't happen. I told myself I'd spend up to 30k of my own money, not including sperm..after my insurance runs out. I think this is about the price of a decent car and something that I would regret not doing..not taking every opportunity to do. I spoke to someone today about how it works that I can borrow against my pension and it's fairly easy so...
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.

Loooooooonnnngggg weeekend

I decided after my first negative HPT to continue testing on a daily basis...it just so happened I had just enough HPT tests to do one daily until day after tomorrow, Wednesday, when I go in to see the doctor for a real test. So far they've all been negative and no matter how long they sat out they stayed negative. Thankfully, though not good for me, I was dealing with serious work stress..I mean serious work stress..no sleep Friday night..calls to attorneys, police, and other people you don't want to need to call in the middle of the night...and they were all called in the middle of the night..I'm talking wake an attorney up at 3:45 a.m. This went into Saturday and finished off today, Monday morning into Monday afternoon. It's over for now. I might get my ass chewed out tomorrow but we'll deal. Cleaned my entire condo, except for the guest room that only got vacuumed, from top to bottom today in between calls and fits of crying. I secretly have a fake feeling I'm pregnant. I say fake because I don't want to hope..this two week wait, which really isn't two weeks at all, is really sucky, enough to drive someone crazy. I went nuts and had a cup of coffee today..well, half a cup and it's half calf/half decaf..what a rebel I am. I just needed to feel normal for a minute and it was either that or a smoke so I chose the lesser of two evils. I'm having all kinds of progesterone symptoms that I so wish were signs of pregnancy but the reality is what it is. Tomorrow, according to all the charts I've read, is the real start of any HCG being produced and probably the only pregnancy test out of all the ones that I'll be taking, that I can in any way rely on. I'm giving it a shot and trying to just psyche myself up to do this again as I can't help but feel that this is inevitable. I don't know why I'm so torn between feeling that I am and knowing that I'm not. Me who is usually a trust your gut kind of person. I wish I had jotted down what my instincts were last time so I can compare notes but alas...
Well, I'll know for sure by Wednesday (that's only 2 short days from now)..so crazy this whole thing. So crazy that I might end up childless, husbandless, and overweight..that is so not the life I dreamt of when I was growing up. Wow...talk about thinking good thoughts. Well, I tell myself it aint over and even if there are no babies..I'm not done.

Thanksgiving

I woke up today around 6:30 a.m. feeling grateful and thankful for all that I have; A family, friends, a good job, my Tess...and too many blessings to really count. This week one of my coworkers let me in to the fact that she had nowhere to go for Thanksgivng..this is a real crazy lady and she really doesn't work for us per se but near us and so she comes in daily to water my plants, get a little free therapy as she is going through something, help me with my mail, and just shoot the shit. People stay away from her but all in all she's not terrible though I've had my share of bad experiences with her. So she's got nowhere to go and reluctantly I invited her to visit the disfunction junction though she declined and it made me think how lucky I was to have a family to spend the holiday with. Onward moved the day, I finished making what I was bringing with and for whatever reason I terrible sense of sadness has come in to swoop over me. Thinking about Pussyface and Asshole...not having my own family..my own baby..a partner of any kind...just made me sad. So here I am putting this down here before I had out to face la familia and try not to destroy a holiday with my craziness. I don't know what it'll take to make me feel some sort of serenity in my life...not happiness per se but just serenity..always feeling like I am not enough in some way or harping on the past. Have to move forward in a more positive light. I have faith that this is possible but I have to make some changes in my life beginning with myself to see this happen...beginning with feeling more grateful...more glass half full.

Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.

Run run running from the Pussy (cat) and the (Jack) Ass

I didn't know where to go with this. I really didn't. Talking to Kay and Diana didn't help much..really it didn't. I knew one day it was coming and so here it is..the day I found out Pussy face and Asshole were pregnant. Not quite as painful as finding out they were dating..or that they were engaged..or that they got married ..but painful nonetheless. So here I am with this information and really feeling nothing but shocked, confused, and I won't lie, in some pain. Not pain like I would have felt 5 or 6 years ago but pain. Wondering what did I do in my life that was so fucking terrible that I didn't deserve to meet someone too. I know asshole wasn't for me really though at one point I did think we'd end up together (delusional thinking), but in restrospect, I can see he's not healthy and it wouldn't have been good, but isn't unhealthy better than nothing? Is it? I'm really asking because I'm not sure. So no husband, or even significant someone, and no baby..yet. I want to scream with the unfairness of it all but the truth is, I know it's plenty fair. The reality of it is, that she did things, like the song says, that I wouldn't or couldn't do. And the forces that be kept us apart. He wasn't strong enough for me, strong enough to be the person I needed/need in my life and that's just the fact of it all. I needed a person who would fight for me and be a man for me and that's not who he is..so he's there and I'm here fighting for my baby..but not fighting for my man (whoever that may be)because like Asshole, that's something I can't seem to do either..too alike the both of us I guess, in that way anyway.

Speaking of babies, I went to the RE today but didn't see my regular chick, I had to see the gay guy Dr. L...I really like him and feel comfortable with him..it's the gay thing..makes me feel comfortable and taken care of..(past experiences) so it was good. He found about 14, count them, 14 follicles!!...good huh?

Bitter sweet getting pregnant this way I tell you. It's so precious but it makes not having a partner so crystal clear..magnifies any feelings of loneliness...but not trying is not an option here. It really isn't.

One thing I learned from having cancer and from realizing late in life that you really have to make an effort to attain your goals and dreams, is that life is very short. Now, I know people say this all the time but it really is the truth in terms of time. I do this thing every once in a while when I'm doing something mundane like climbing the stairs or sitting in a diner with my family or friends where I consciously remember the scene and think to myself, one day you'll look back and remember this. I remember doing this in high school all the time and let me tell you..it feels like that was just a year or two ago the scenes are so clear..white moccasins climbing the stairs up to the second floor. Life really is very brief so every day has to really count. I'm not saying I do fantastical things daily but I'm always, every single day, moving towards bettering myself in some way, or moving towards a goal. I feel at 40 that I'm running out of time..I know it may sound silly but I'm half way through and it doesn't seem like it'll be enough.It's the reason I go to bed late and wake up early on the weekends..don't want to miss anything..yes, yes, it's not good for me I know..constant sleep deprivation.

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll cry again today, peruse the registrant section of babies-r-us to see if there's a pussy face registered..but today is really the end of something for me. Why it took me so long to get here I'm not sure but I'm here.

Like a thief in the night

So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.

One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.

This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.