Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.