To Be or not To Be...that is the Question...

So, last night I mentioned that I got the negative HPT...devastated..crying fit..feeling bad for myself and sat in my own shit for the rest of the evening except for the long walk me and Tess took cause really, why should she sit in it with me? So today I go to the RE's office, say to the nurse, "I don't think I"m pregnant"..'why, did you take a home pregnancy test?'.."yes, and it was negative"..'ohhhh'..okay so I'm like confirmation, this dance is done, nail in the coffin, pack it up and move on. See the Dr. and we have the same exchange except, 'well, it could be too low to show up on an HPT'..oh, I think..Hope?..so she sticks the penis probe inside and looks around and says, "Gemma if you hadn't told me you got a negative I would say you look pregnant. Your mucus is right..ovaries swollen as occurs in pregnancy..it looks good. I don't want to get your hopes up though but I don't want you to be discouraged." I of course break down balling..I mean..what kind of yo-yo hormone crap is this..do I stay or do I go here? So I cry the entire way back to New York..am hysterical as I fill up on cheap Jersey gas..and haul my ass over to the department store..call Diana..who really is drowning in her own stuff but when you can't call family you pick whoever comes to your mind..I buy an overly expensive sweater (which by the way will be returned as I just found a coupon for that store 30% off) while bumping into every pregnant woman, and newborn infant on the planet, ...rush home, set up the crock pot all the while holding in my pee and go take another HPT...guess what it said? Why,.. negative...of course. Have to just keep the faith.