I'm Up!

I got a call from my RE today. I was supposed to have called this week and had every intention of calling yesterday when I left work early but really couldn't bring myself to do it, emotionally. She calls me today and says she's reviewed my chart and wants to do a study of my uterus..she explains my insurance pays for it and she sees on the films she has there is a tiny flap which she wants to look at more closely and shave down if she can..she doesn't think it's a big deal but wants to cover all angles. She calls in a script to my pharmacy for birth control to stop the thickening of my uterine lining which I have to start immediately she says...I have to go to a hospital not her clinic for a procedure though she'll be the one doing it..it's either Tuesday next week (doubtful) or the Tuesday the following week. I nod, say yes, agree, hang up and want to break into tears. This means I again have to go for xrays, ekg, and all that crap I just finished last month. Have to take time off from work, find someone to drive me, and just get my shit together when emotionally I'm just tired but I gotta do what I gotta do. If the hospital was local it wouldn't be so bad but of course it's in the next state and about an hour away..making it more difficult. I had someone at work today tell me that I'm lucky I don't have children as they really do tire you out..said like a person who had no problems having kids, got married at the right age, and life is just ho-hos and bon bons.. To these people I would like to say, "fuck you idiot!"...but you can't. Anyhow, this round I'm going to take time off and do things the right way. The girl who'd made the comment that she felt I should have taken it easy last time and I did too much, talked to me today and apologized for saying it. I told her next time tell me as I'm doing it as this is my base M.O. it's how I've always done things full steam ahead and it really is my base line..I'm constantly running, constantly stressed, constantly rushing and pushing myself until I can't anymore and I don't realize I do it until I'm falling on my face. I explained that until she said it I didn't even realize I was doing it and I was so glad she said it as it didn't even occur to me..the only thought in my head was that after the insemination I had gone out to lunch with a friend..thinking maybe I shouldn't have been sitting up..never realized I'd been running around..!!!!!I'm such a moron sometimes.... I'll be getting more Personal time in January which is good as it's time where they can't ask you what you're doing or deny you...unlike sick whereas if you use 3 days in a row you need a doctor's note with an explanation..I'm going to use my time and make sure I'm relaxed even if it cuts into my maternity leave time..I'll have to save more money and just pay my own way if I don't have the time..shit happens...and I have to stop being so greedy..just have to cut my expenses and pinch pennies and watch my Christmas shopping.

Getting back to the conversation with the Doc, she said that she wants me to keep trying as she thinks my chances are good. I'm scared that she's wrong but know I'll use every last cent to try and when that's gone...I don't know. Just hoping this next one takes..please God. I have to get away from the stress at work and it's so intense. I walk out of there on a regular basis with a pit in my stomach and it's really from the bitches not from the actual work...today it even included one of the guys..soo fucking arrogant. He was pissed that I told him I didn't want him speaking to the opposing's attorney without our attorney or the client..at all! no sharing of information..he thought it was because I didn't feel comfortable speaking to attorneys but he explained to me this is something he was quite comfortable with and had experience doing..I had to explain that it had to do with confidentiality...fucking idiot big dick penis head!! and told him that any fool could speak to an attorney..idiot. I spoke to the boss today about the shit going on with my staff and just briefly let her know that there is trouble with horse-face who is very pissed at me right now and that she might hear some shit come down the pike..she said she appreciates being warned but the truth is you know if the shit hits the fan she'll take pleasure in frying my ass...oh well...can't keep thinking about that place and the drama there. Have to think about me-Gem! and my hopes and dreams and how if I don't relax..it's not going to happen..I wish I knew how to relax...if you asked me the most relaxing thing for me I'd tell you a cigarette with a glass of wine but for whatever reason..I don't think that's the answer in this situation (joke).