Blessed (hate this word but..)

I hate the word blessed. I feel like it's overused and for whatever reason I just don't like it. I don't hate the meaning behind it and I wish there was another word for it but there really isn't.


Anyhow, how I ended up choosing the fertility clinic where I was going was because Kay had a friend, also working for the government, who is a lesbian and had children using donor sperm with this clinic. Her name is Stacy who has a wife Eve. They have 2 children a boy and a girl who are beautiful and she had them with minimal problems. So when I started on this journey, Kay called up Stacy and asked her for the info and she set me up with all of it, the sperm bank, the clinic, the whole enchilada...grateful grateful blessed.. We (Kay and me) bump into her today on our way to the parking lot going on our lunch breaks and she asks me what's up with the fertility. I explain I have an appointment in December at a new place and blah blah blah... donor eggs..blah blah... She says, you know, I have an embryo still at the clinic...she pauses and thinks...says it'd be weird for me to have a full sibling of her kids and then says...you know, if I'm not mistaken I have several eggs stored away if you want them... I say Stace...maybe you better think about this and get back to me...I mean we're outside in the parking lot while you're sitting in your hot van...she says, no, I'm fine with it, I can't do the embryo as that's too weird but the eggs would be fine..no different than using donor sperm, though I'm not sure if they're still there she says...I ask her if she'd check...Yeah, yeah...I will. Just like that. Can you imagine? That's the second offer someone gives me of their eggs. That's 2 egg donor people who in truth  don't even know me that well at all....how blessed am I? It's more than luck so it's blessed...even if I can't stand the word.

I don't know Stacy that well...at all really other than what I mentioned up above and that she hates one of the girls who I supervise who is also a lesbian...had a relationship with Eve at one point I believe...anyhow, I wanted to talk to Kay about it but as usual when I got back to the office after the break it was all balls to the wall with back to back work. Kay mentioned on our way out the door how we hadn't had a chance to talk about it, and I said I'd wanted to talk to her about it too. Kay is like the equivalent to my husband/partner at this point as she's been there for me like you wouldn't believe... a friend like no other really...couldn't get a better friend.

My thoughts are this...and yes a little negative but real..always keeping it real so I don't really hurt myself...I'll definitely take the eggs if they still exist...it'll be a bit weird as Stacy is Jewish and looks absolutely nothing like me but I know this about her; she's good people...kind and level headed...I also know that frozen eggs don't usually result in a pregnancy...but it's a shot.

As much as pregnancy hasn't happened for me I can't help but think that one of the following is true; Either, A) God is giving me all these blessings because He really wants me to have a child or B) He's giving me all these chances to show me that no matter what, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm of course hoping it's A. I suppose time will tell.

Right now my next goal is trying to get myself healthy...just vitamin level wise as all my levels are whacked and also I found a lump that I have to have checked....it's been there for several months and my doctor found it too...so mammogram it is. I really hope it's nothing. If it's the big C again I can't continue with fertility. It wouldn't be fair to a child as it would then seem to me that my chances of living long would not be good...how many times can you get C and win? I don't know. If there were a baby daddy perhaps I'd feel differently but there isn't so..

So that's that. Life never ceases to amaze me and people never cease to amaze me though I think if I had some eggs stored away and my babies were made already I could probably give them as a gift. I didn't think I could a little bit ago but now, I think so...I really do. I'm grateful today. Grateful and in awe...Just when I think people are shit...someone comes along and screams Not all of us! and ain't that the truth.

Enough for now and for tomorrow too..

This morning I looked up directions to he clinic in NY. According to mapquest, it'll take me about 49 minutes to get there from Kay's house. When I look at this clinic or look up any of the information for that matter, I get an instant headache, and instant feeling of anxiety, a shaking throughout my body...just an overall feeling of dread at starting this process again. Of being introduced to new doctors that may or may not be assholes. Of working with a new clinic that may or may not want to or be able to help me. Of just facing the music of infertility and fertility treatments again...the hustle of it all, the 'your life is going at a thousand miles an hour yet standing still' of it all. The headache encompasses my throat if that's at all possible...just a totally emotionally and physical response to the thought of going there...but I'm going. I'm going and I'm probably willing to go for broke...literally. Just wish the internal shaking would stop. I gotta build up my courage...just build up that shit that propels you to move obstacles...the thing that came so much easier to me before "the incident" at work...the shit that shook me up so much I've never been the same but I have to move past that and find the old Gem. The I can kick anybody's ass including my own, Gem. It's how I got through everything, through childhood, through school, through cancer, through that and all of the rest though I haven't been able to call it up in a long time. I have to move forward regardless of this shaking fear that brings me to tears and the feeling of being weak..weaker than I used to be though stronger than I was. Shit, that doesn't really make any sense except to me really. Okay, enough of the babble. I'm shutting down the rest of the thoughts for today as I got the directions in front of me, sent the letter to the old clinic for my records, and took inventory of the meds left in my fridge (5 boxes of menopur and 3 boxes of follistim)..not as much as I thought but still enough to help someone else.

One more day

The day started off in kind of a rush. I had taken D to the doctor this past week, the psychiatrist to be exact. D has a significant mental illness aside from being developmentally disabled...hence my fear of adopting...they'd told us D was perfectly healthy and physically D is..I love D like my own child..the closest I may ever come to being a mother but it's a torturous life D has led in many respects...a doll baby that child but alas and as usual..I digress. So I took D to the doctor who informed us that D's cholesterol level has gone up as has their weight and she wanted D to join Weight Watchers. D refused at first until I said we'd take Tess along and then all was well so off I went running this a.m. to get D, drop off Tess (yes and D was fine with it) and run to the meeting I've been avoiding for two weeks. It went fine...I actually didn't gain as much as I'd thought (1 lb. ) and we're on.

Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.

My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.

Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.

Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm struggling again and I can't really blame it on PMS as my period was over 5 days ago. It's this sadness man that has settled and been sitting on my chest. The kind that makes it difficult to breathe, difficult to swallow really; it's just a lump there and it takes everything I have to make it through every minute of my day. I want to hide from life; hide from all the babies, the pregnant ladies, the everything and anything related to kids, to motherhood to fatherhood to any type of hood that I don't belong to. Just that quiet desperation again killing me.

 I go for my HSG test (again) for the 3rd time this Monday and I want to hurry up and just get it over with, get to the last chapter of the book I guess you could say; just want to know how this all ends. I'm scared too though, as there is a very big part of me that doesn't want to know...just doesn't want to know. It's going to kill me I feel. I tell Kay this, and I tell Diana this, and I tell Z and Mattie this but they don't seem to understand what I mean. I think this ending might kill me if not literally than emotionally. It's just too sad for me, too sad, too sad, too painful. And really how much can one person endure in one life?

Someone havnig a bad day wrote on facebook today (a site that is no longer the place I once loved to visit), how God never gives you more than you can endure and I think,.. I don't know about that. I once read, and I think it's a valid point, that if that were true there would be nobody in psych wards as aren't too many people in wards those that couldn't handle what they were given? I try not to think of the never having a baby thing as it's too scary and for me, it's one of those, "I don't think I can handle situations". I can go on but it would be a bitter person moving forward...I feel I'm turning into that already, into a bitter person, something I've always dreaded becoming and in fact, Diana and I, when we worked together used to talk about people who went around life with a frown; we called them "People who sucked on lemons"..we still call them this..childish but whateva. Shit, who knew. I am trying to keep the faith...trying trying trying to just trust in God, that he's got my back but there's a very big part of me that has some doubts...fucked up but there it is. I keep praying, keep hoping there is someone hearing me, hearing my desperate prayers.

My life is half over already, more than half probably, considering my history (ex-smoker, obese, with a history of cancer), and I wonder, could I get through the rest with just me? Could I get through the rest just for me, just for little ol' me? There is a woman at work, Jecca, that I've mentioned before. She's 56 or there abouts and getting ready to retire this year. She's been married twice...the first time for a short period and the second to someone about 20 some odd years older who died several years back...no children...she has one sister, also no children and that's it. She's spent some Thanksgivings at a shelter feeding the homeless for lack of somewhere to go on Thanksgiving...fucked up huh? Last year her sister arranged for her a place to go. She spends her nights drinking wine in her huge house and smoking cigarettes. I was tight with her at one time, even invited her to spend Thanksgiving with my family when she had nowhere but she's dicked me a few times and I no longer trust her...that's the one difference between her and I, I have tight friends and I don't dick them, thank God...but I digress... My point is, I don't want that life...that life with no real family of my own...nobody to really love....nobody to cook for, to take care of, to come home to even if it's only on holidays, nobody to make your house a home for. If you came to my home, you would see that it looks like a home. I always imagined that I would be bringing babies here, feeding children here and Diane especially always comments about how cute I've made the place and how warm and inviting it is. It's a very modest home but I've done what I can to make it comfy ( it was a dump when I bought it which is how I was able to afford it at the time). Anyhow, that's what I want. I want children to cook for, to love, to help with their homework, to tuck in, to wash their little clothes and take care of them...that's what I want. I want to be old and have them visit once in a while and have them ask me to bake cookies for them, or whatever becomes their favorite thing that I cook for them. The bottom line is, I want to be a mom. What do you do when that's what you want for your life and it doesn't happen? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other? I don't know.

Mood swings

The day went easier than I thought...much better than last week's day in East Jabib that's for sure. Interviewed a slew of people which really is unnecessary..we should just ask for a resume and to have them sit for 3 minutes as that's how long it takes to make up your mind...then again my boss always has ulterior motives for hiring people so ..
Anyhow, was feeling good about myself today, somewhat productive though I'll admit am concerned about my lack of energy..will try and go to the doctor for blood work as I'm sure it's all fucked up..as usual. I tell you this whole cancer shit really fucked up my body and I can't help but think it's impacting the fertility thing but who knows...what I do know is that I'm having trouble absorbing different vitamins and it's been going on for too long and I'm too tired and though I've been taking the sublingual b-12 I know I have to bite the bullet and just go in to get my shots..sucks. Anyhow I was feeling okay like I said and log onto facebook. My real reason for going online tonight was to do some research on accupuncture and it's benefits with trying to conceive but I am a get distracted type of person and of course digressed into a different area. I log on and it seems like everyone is pregnant or had a baby or some such thing...3 at one time..2 pregnancies and one baby and I am by no means one of those people with a trillion facebook friends..I have my modest 100+ that's it. So it got me down a bit. I just ..well..I think it'd be ridiculous to mention what I was..what's the focus of this blog if not to whine about not having a baby. It's not whining really and I need to cut myself a break. I think most women...want a baby..it's natural to want a baby and a family so I'm just doing what's natural and boy is it painful not to be able to do it. I'm trying again this month...going to try the accupuncture I think..don't have a positive feeling but gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my chin up, keep the faith, and all that other good stuff you're supposed to say or tell yourself or believe or whatever.

Who's your daddy?

Went to the RE's today which went fine. She's a doll come to life really...sweeter would be impossible. So I ask her, "Doc, do you think my chances are still good"? She says, "Just as good as last time". Now, I've spent about the last 8 years going to doctors and clinics and the like at least once a month if not weekly and know what that means. That's the "I don't want to answer that or give you an opinion" answer. Last week someone asked me at work if the sonogrammer will tell you if they see something when they're scanning and I explained, that if they tell you they don't see anything but you need to speak to your doctor you can be pretty sure that's the truth..if they say, I'm only the sonogrammer, I cannot or am not allowed to give you an opinion..yeah, you're most likely in danger of being fucked. So I got that answer and was feeling shitty as I got my underwears on and the rest of my clothes. As I'm opening the door to leave she stops me and says, "Gem, listen, are you using the same donor"? I say, "Yes, but last time it really wasn't my same donor as he ran out so I'm going back to the original one"..."Great" she says and proceeds to explain that when talking with the lab person they said that those sperm did not thaw well nor did they fertilize well and another donor would be better. Now aren't I lucky that this dude isn't someone I'm married to? It's such an odd situation to be in to just be able to switch off. I bumped into the receptionist from my general practioners office in the parking lot, which is always weird to see her there as it's not like it's near where we live...but I digress...she'd told me last time her eggs and her husbands sperm were not compatible and they suggested either donor eggs or donor sperm...neither of which she is willing to do so she's just taking her chances even though they are less than 10%. She's there and she's doing it. I say that takes courage, faith, and emotional strength. Was just talking to one of my friends who I met through my sperm bank line who believes she is PG but from a guy she had a brief relationship with but no longer wants in her life. She asked me what I thought of her not telling him and I told her I was against it...baby needs to know who their father is. When I think about all of us "girls" who are dreaming of our babies and how we go about it and what's important to us, it makes me feel less alone..all of us going about it in a different way with different values and different lives but wanting to be mom's or mom's again. It really is something..it really is beautiful in a way. Hoping all of our dreams come true.

The Doc

I love my doctor..my RE that is..have I mentioned this? She's beautiful inside and out and just the nicest person you can ever imagine..seems unreal sometimes. I'm at times a very nosey person..I say at times as there are others where you'd think I would want to know something and I really couldn't care less. So yesterday when I'm sitting with Kay for countless hours she asks me about my doctor..how old is she..does she have kids..where does she live? How the frick should I know. I never thought about it..never thought about her and you know what, sometimes you're better off not knowing. I think if it wasn't for the nature of my job, where you receive more information about people than you would ever want to know..their deepest, darkest and dirtiest, I'd probably be more inquisitive in general but well, it kind of changes stuff for me but when Kay asked, I quickly got to work digging...wish I hadn't. Ended up seeing a pic of her in an intimate pic with her family of her after giving birth. She has 2 children btw, both boys, and a handsome husband who is from the same country as her though his job is not nearly as prestigious as hers...she's early 30's and he's late 30's...I know exact ages but really what I found was too much information. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing that some people are indeed ..just human...lost some of that ethereal quality she had about her though she still is a sweety! You ever meet someone that you wish you could be even a little like? I think..how do you grow up to be a person like this..so nice, caring, loving and beautiful to boot? Don't know..something to strive towards emulating I suppose..(good luck with that one Gem)!

She called me today regarding the plans. She said continue with meds..blah blah and she was thinking..this is what she says..she was thinking I could probably remove these tubes myself..oh lawd!..will be removing them Monday night..myself! sheesh! I figure if I can inject myself in the rear..this should be a cinch..at least I can reach and use a mirror (her suggestion, the mirror).

Went to a meeting for "D" this morning as they are signing "D" up for a work program. They explained "D" felt 12 hours a week would be fine..I said, you know "D" has no concept of what 12 hours is right?..."really?"...yes, really...how bout we start with 8 hours as last time "D" tried working it was 2 hours a week and poor "D" was terminated..poor kid..terminated and devestated. Went to Walmart afterwards..a big trip as it's not that nearby..love that store! can't get over how cheap everything is there...you can buy Jeans for $20..sometimes even cheaper!! Bought a whole bunch of men's long sleeved t's for the weekends...comfy and I don't give a shit what they look like really as I feel gross about my body right now so don't want to spend tons on clothes. Went home and took a walk with Tess but really I think I try to do too much..I have to try and rest more.

Next embryo transplant..I have to take it easy..Doc implied it might not happen until February..that's fine too. Can't stress. I didn't mention that one of my facebook friends..my age...just announced yesterday that she's expecting again..her *cough..6th! She was looking for hand-me-downs...interesting..as I would have never thought to post a request..sometimes I think I'm a bit of a snob that way..expecting everything to be new for a new baby... Got a text today from an ex-coworker (who I don't particularly care for) saying one of her children (2 are currently pregnant..AGAIN!!) is expecting a girl! It's a girl! I really want to write back..who gives a shit you bragging moron??!!! but I can't so instead I just don't reply...can't anymore. Kay says, just think how great it'll be when you can announce yours..I suppose...you know you're a grump when Kay is seeing the glass as half full as opposed to you..Gonna try to stay positive. I do feel hopeful. Felt hopeful after hanging up with the doctor. She told me they had to remove more of the fibroid than they thought..it isn't a separate fibroid like Kay said, it's actually the one on the outside that's growing into the inside...lovely..whatever. I hope that if I do get pregnant I can ask the ob/gyn to do a c-section and remove the fibroid at the same time. My thinking is my chances of a c-section are high because of my weight...might as well kill two birds with one stone as the fibroid is too large for laproscopic surgery..it's actually larger than my uterus..scary so I want it out..don't need anything in me that might in any way be cancer. Waiting for pathology on the D&C which scares me...the word pathology itself scares me now..don't find anything please! So that's that..Monday tubes come out which I can't wait as it's beyond even describable of what it's like though not the worse thing I've ever had..thank God..just want to be able to feel like I don't have to walk gingerly with something hanging between my legs.

Oh, my sister called me today...surprising..but it was good to connect. Have to accept was is given rather than be disappointed that the connection didn't have what I was looking for. It is what it is and I have to be grateful as I need my family..disfunctional as it may be..

3a.m. and all's well (for lack of something catchier)

So tomorrow I go for IVF..shitting a little hence the 3 a.m. blog. Anyhow, my friend Kay is taking me of course as who the hell else would do it. I'm supposed to have stopped eating and drinking at midnight and of course,,thirsty as all hell..ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous..I guess it all started Friday when I couldn't pick out a new donor and then found out I needed to order ASAP or I'd be fucked. Kay called me this morning to tell me the road to the RE's office is closed on account of this freak snow storm we had yesterday so I had to pull an alternate route up on mapquest so I'm pretty set. Gonna get up at about 7:15 and Kay is coming at about 9..gotta be there at 10. Scared..not scared more that I'm not looking forward to this whole thing..I'm really not. After the big C I just kinda feel like please stop poking me people and I don't like being under..makes me feel too vulnerable..feel like they'll be talking about my disgusting body..they will..oh well.

So I have a good feeling about this. I had a hunch and I could be wrong, that when I changed donors it would happen. I picked a donor I'm not thrilled with and after the fact I realized too late, that it was an Asshole lookalike..I didn't mean to do that. It must have been subconscious or maybe just coincidence but I"m not happy about it but at this point there's nothing I can do.

I'll be straight and say I've been thinking about them a ton lately and I say them because it's not him, it's them, it's an obsession that comes and goes in my life..I hate it and pray that it goes away all the time but it pops into my head and I can't seem to shake it. I'm trying to just focus on my own life..the reality of what it is..sometimes it seems so insignificant and that I'm grasping at straws here trying to make a life for myself against the flow here. My family. I don't even know what to say about them..you'd think they'd be like..how's it going, any news, so exciting, are you worried..instead..nothing..absolutely nothing. It hurts but I decided I'm not bringing it up again at all even if I get pregnant I'm not bringing it up. I think sometimes it's my fault that they're like this as I haven't exactly been a great sister or daughter..I've pushed them away. It's too painful for me and perhaps I'm a coward but that's how I feel..like it's just too much. I love them but it's a defensive love..you have to be careful because that love will kill you. It will emotionally kill you.

Run run running from the Pussy (cat) and the (Jack) Ass

I didn't know where to go with this. I really didn't. Talking to Kay and Diana didn't help much..really it didn't. I knew one day it was coming and so here it is..the day I found out Pussy face and Asshole were pregnant. Not quite as painful as finding out they were dating..or that they were engaged..or that they got married ..but painful nonetheless. So here I am with this information and really feeling nothing but shocked, confused, and I won't lie, in some pain. Not pain like I would have felt 5 or 6 years ago but pain. Wondering what did I do in my life that was so fucking terrible that I didn't deserve to meet someone too. I know asshole wasn't for me really though at one point I did think we'd end up together (delusional thinking), but in restrospect, I can see he's not healthy and it wouldn't have been good, but isn't unhealthy better than nothing? Is it? I'm really asking because I'm not sure. So no husband, or even significant someone, and no baby..yet. I want to scream with the unfairness of it all but the truth is, I know it's plenty fair. The reality of it is, that she did things, like the song says, that I wouldn't or couldn't do. And the forces that be kept us apart. He wasn't strong enough for me, strong enough to be the person I needed/need in my life and that's just the fact of it all. I needed a person who would fight for me and be a man for me and that's not who he is..so he's there and I'm here fighting for my baby..but not fighting for my man (whoever that may be)because like Asshole, that's something I can't seem to do either..too alike the both of us I guess, in that way anyway.

Speaking of babies, I went to the RE today but didn't see my regular chick, I had to see the gay guy Dr. L...I really like him and feel comfortable with him..it's the gay thing..makes me feel comfortable and taken care of..(past experiences) so it was good. He found about 14, count them, 14 follicles!!...good huh?

Bitter sweet getting pregnant this way I tell you. It's so precious but it makes not having a partner so crystal clear..magnifies any feelings of loneliness...but not trying is not an option here. It really isn't.

One thing I learned from having cancer and from realizing late in life that you really have to make an effort to attain your goals and dreams, is that life is very short. Now, I know people say this all the time but it really is the truth in terms of time. I do this thing every once in a while when I'm doing something mundane like climbing the stairs or sitting in a diner with my family or friends where I consciously remember the scene and think to myself, one day you'll look back and remember this. I remember doing this in high school all the time and let me tell you..it feels like that was just a year or two ago the scenes are so clear..white moccasins climbing the stairs up to the second floor. Life really is very brief so every day has to really count. I'm not saying I do fantastical things daily but I'm always, every single day, moving towards bettering myself in some way, or moving towards a goal. I feel at 40 that I'm running out of time..I know it may sound silly but I'm half way through and it doesn't seem like it'll be enough.It's the reason I go to bed late and wake up early on the weekends..don't want to miss anything..yes, yes, it's not good for me I know..constant sleep deprivation.

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll cry again today, peruse the registrant section of babies-r-us to see if there's a pussy face registered..but today is really the end of something for me. Why it took me so long to get here I'm not sure but I'm here.

Just plain ol' UGH!!!!

I am scheduled for my third, count them 3, IUI tomorrow. Not looking forward to it as I'm not feeling well. I have an illness which I have kept secret for many years and nobody, not even my best friends know, and it just occurred to me as I sit here in pain that I can finally say it somewhere...here. I have an illness that effects only 1% of the population..it's embarrassing so I have never told anyone and no, it's not sexually transmitted...I guess it's somewhat similar to psoriasis except it isn't on any exposed areas of my body. The hormones are making it worse. It's not contagious nor deadly but it's painful as all FUCK!! I say this in capitals as that's what it is and there is no cure because as my Dr. explained, it effects so few people and isn't fatal but it hurts and I've had it since I was a child..no, even as a child I never told anyone...can you imagine? But as I explained I grew up more than real quiet and I'll leave it at that. It has stopped me from doing many things in my life and I could cry at the Fates that have given me this. It is so bad, you could give me the cancer I had twice more and I'd trade it for this. About 4 Dr.'s have semi treated it (or tried to) and I of course had to tell my RE so I guess people do know but nobody outside of my medical life know. My RE said she had another patient once who had it but only knew a little bit about it..I was surprised she knew anything about it but then again..the chick went to Harvard so I'm sure she knows alot about alot. I went through the whole day at work today with this shit and finally came home to do what I can to alleviate the pain. I would normally take advil but that is out while I'm trying to get PG so... I'm sitting here trying to calm down and trying to make this shit calm down with compresses and such..pain...I could cry I tell you..hurts that much. I heard it goes away after menopause and I'm hoping that's the case...so fucked up I tell y ou..just fucked up.

Anyhow, my RE said that if this IUI doesn't take she wants me to move on to IVF. I hesitate for one reason only; I was hoping to save the IVF for when I'm 43 in case I want another one but I say to myself, Gem, don't be greedy..do what you can and you might only be able to have the one..Okay, I'd be eternally grateful for the one and only ask that it be healthy Lord. Just one sweet and healthy baby..greedy would be 2.. Two healthy babies. I could touch them it seems so real..Hope and pray for them and that I stay healthy enough to raise them. That's one of my fears..that I'll die and they won't have a parent but I've asked my older sister if that is the case would she take care of them..and she said yes. She's crazy but she's very maternal so ..

Anyway, enough happy talk..shit's killing me..praying that God alleviates some of this for me.

Follisitim or is it me? More Ramblings...

Today I gave myself my second injection of the follisitim 300 mgs/? I'm not feeling so hot today emotionally and I'm not sure if this is due to the meds or due to me. I had a very stressful day at work trying to decipher greek that the boss gave me..blows my mind that she gives me shit she should be doing and I have no idea about. If I worked at a regular company it'd be one thing but I work for the government so this shit is important but oh well, I do what I can. I called up another head Government worker in charge of the project my boss gave me and she was stunned that I was working on it let alone working on it by myself..sho the fuck knows..this is just a crazy place to work but I'm grateful for the job. Tomorrow I'm calling out..something I hardly ever do...maybe 2 to 3 times a year...it makes me feel guilty so I don't like to do it. I just need a day to relax and catch up with myself so to speak. I feel extremely emotional, though in truth, I was feeling this way earlier in the week but my period is over and today it's worse than ever. So I was wondering if it was the injections or the fact that I'm feeling incredibly lonely this week particularly at work...not sure. Kay has been out and thankfully Mattie came in this week...(this is the older lady who is from an outside agency assigned to help me). She's a doll and not your typical grandma (she's in recovery over 20 years from hard street drugs) but she has good words of wisdom though at times she's talking out of her ass and makes the shit up, but I like her. She asked me today why I find it easier when she's there as she doesn't do too much and I explained that the staff behave differently when she's there. I'm not sure if it's because she's older or if it's because there's a witness but they don't go off on me and aren't mean to me..they really don't confront me on shit so I like it as I really can't stand when they do that..it's hurtful to me as I really do try and be nice to them.

Right now, when I'm trying to have a baby, I really need to stay as stress free as possible and my job makes that very difficult. Between the staff and my asshole boss it'd be bad enough but add that the job itself is demanding and stressful and it can send anyone over the edge. So I was glad for Mattie this week and it just so happens that tomorrow she won't be there so me being out works out.

Aside from Mattie, I really didn't talk to anyone today. I had a conversation with Ollie who is on his way to Florida from Texas with all of his belongings but it was all about him..rightfully so, as he is going through something major and his sister was also listening in so it's not like I want to say anything personal for her to hear but I felt like I just needed to talk to someone. I tried to call Diana but she wasn't working tonight and wasn't picking up her cell. The fact that she wasn't at work makes me believe some shit must have hit the fan as she never calls out. Her brother has stage 4 cancer and her mom is also just recovering from cancer. It's such a fucked up situation on top of what she's already going through. She has had a rough life. She had another brother who jumped off a bridge and killed himself..heart breaking stuff. Kay comes back tomorrow and I'm glad though she doesn't have shit easy right now either as her son, the military vet, is going through some serious shit..not good. It's hard when everyone is going through something to find with whom to vent shit. The crazy therapist called me back finally..seeing her next week..thank God. So that's it in a nut shell.

Tess is still not 100%...puked Sunday, ate Monday and Tuesday and puked today.

Hormonal Babbling

So, I got my period this morning which I was expecting. Glad it comes every month, cramps and all as it means there is hope. Along with it comes the PMS that for whatever reason seems to be lasting through the first day of this cycle. I just feel shitty..lonely..alone really and I am though I'm supposed to be leaving for a picnic at my Godmom's..I don't want to go. Isn't that silly? I feel alone but don't want to go to a picnic to be with people? But I'm sure you know what I mean..that's not the company I want..looking for a more intimate type of companionship right now..Not sexual, just a friend really. My friends are all emotionally fucked right now. Did I tell you Ollie broke up with his partner? No. Well he did. He's moving back to Florida which I think is better for him anyway as that's where his family is. I'm not sure if I wrote about that here.. a big disappointment really as the plan was for him to move here to N.Y. and help when the kid(s)came (his idea not mine) but alas it's not to be and really he needs to be with his family where he has the most support. He has a house there too so he'll be okay. He had cancer a few years back too but his kicked his ass back and forth and left and right..that shit wasn't playing with him...he got a good ass whooping from that mean ol' cancer..everyone usually does but his was unusually brutal. He's also positive.....don't think I mentioned that.. so his immune system is beyond compromised..yeah, he needs to be with his family. But as usual I digress, so he's in his shit right now and I try to be there, Diana is dealing with the 2 boys alone while the hubby is in jail situation (which still sounds so beyond unbelievable it's not even funny..jail??? come'on), and Kay is dealing with the legal repercussions of her son the pothead and her other son who is a veteran and dealing with PTSD, and on top of that last night she learned he is drinking heavily and told her he thinks he has a problem...right before she's heading off for visit with her parents one of whom has alzheimers...love them all but needless to say, I can't go to them with my trivial shit while their fighting for their own sanity. So I came here. Truth be told I'd use this more but as I've mentioned my hands can't take the typing but I do what I can. Anyhow, off to the picnic..alone!! to be with people I don't want to be with except for my Godmom who I love. Gotta bring those creamers!

Funk

I'm feeling a little down at the thought of not trying this month but realistically, buying anything right now would be downright ridiculous. I have a little in savings, maybe 7k which really isn't much and my goal is to have a nice hefty reserve in there for maternity leave as I will probably have to fund at least 2 months of leave completely out of pocket and I don't want to start this journey off already in a state of financial struggle, well, more financial struggle than it will be. I've estimated I would need about 1k a month for child care at least and will have to live very frugally for several years. That's fine but I can't start off owing thousands of dollars. Like I said, I wanted to cap off my spending at 5k so I have to bring this vet bill down a bit before I try again. Shit!! Thank God I was able to make a little extra this month at work. But still, I'm disappointed. Will have to live with that disappointment I suppose. It just seems like a month is a long time to wait now and I just want to start this journey already....the more I wait the more the fear that it will never happen penetrates my thoughts.

Oh,I never mentioned I told my mother yesterday I was trying. She shakes her head in disapproval, and says, "well that's your problem"...LOL!!! that is so my mother it's laughable. I guess that's why I never mentioned it..it was a typical shrug off from her. When I had cancer and broke the news to her, she had been watching television. I told her and she just raised her eyebrows and went back to watching. She's a good one for ignoring crap she doesn't want to hear, think about, or doesn't affect her. I don't take it as an "I don't care", I take it as an "I can't deal"..you have to think of it this way or drive yourself crazy. She's my mother and I love her but she really doesn't make it easy.

So everyone that needed to know now knows. I haven't told my father because I don't talk to him about such things. I think he'll be thrilled though but will tell him when it actually happens.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Tomorrow my Tess comes home if all goes well. I'm feeling so alone without her and never thought I'd feel so lost. Hope she's okay. The vet called me this morning and said they still aren't sure what is wrong but think it may be a blockage in her intestine and they're waiting for her to pass something. I'm worried as my work week is a bit hectic and Tuesday in particular is going to be hard. I don't want to leave her alone. I have the OA meeting but the Canadians will not be there so I have to go it alone. I'm thinking of sneaking Tess in with me. The meeting is in a hospital though so...not sure how that will go. I guess we'll see.

2 a.m. and all's well

Feeling restless and not ready to go to sleep. I have had this crush on this guy for a really long time and haven't done shit about it mostly because of issues with this body. I have gained 60lbs in the last few years thanks to cancer and giving up the smokes (yeah, you give up smokes when the big C scares the crap out of you). So I went from feeling insecure about my overweight body to feeling complete disgust for my now ridiculous size body. I am currently failing miserably at weight watchers and am also trying OA. One of the chicks at OA just gave me this diet to follow which asks that you abstain from all sugar (including all artificial sweeteners..Yikes!), wheat, caffeine, dried fruits, and deli meats. I want to do it though I'm scared I won't be able to stick to it. This is how it goes.... Breakfast: plain oatmeal (or some other grain), one fruit serving, and one protien. Lunch: one grain, one  oil, one protien, two vegetable. Dinner: same as lunch. Nothing in between meals and that's it. Grains are oatmeal, brown rice, bulgar, and that sort of thing..no pasta which is fine. I tried plain oatmeal today to see if I could even give this a shot and it was palatable though I had to put a pinch of ground cinnamon..shit was somewhat nasty...but I've had worse. Gonna aim for Sunday as I have to buy protien. I'm not a vegetarian but eat very little meat...it grosses me out a little, plus cooking really isn't my strongest suit and really...why the frig should I cook for one person?? You end up throwing half the crap out. I usually do sandwich or some such thing. Anyhow, I digress, so thoughts of my crush popped into my head (were pushed into my head but that's TMI for this site) and made me a little sad. This baby thing signals the end of something for me and though I've made my peace with it, it's still once in a while pops into my head..... that I won't have the all american family that everyone expects to have. Why at the age of 40 am I still thinking about the all American family dream? If you have to ask you've never been 40 and single....that's the way the shit is...you don't have it, you may have wanted it, and though you realize you aint getting it...you still think hmmmm..would have been nice and that dream is over. Yes, I can still find someone but the dream of school, job, marriage, house, and family (and in that order) has to go away and I have to wake up to reality. Oh well...I can roll with it...but it is painful. I see the girls at work though that didn't have children and I don't want that for me... I can deal with no husband or man in my life but no children? That would be a devestating blow for me...something I don't even want to imagine. I have prepared myself though with the idea that if that were to happen, I would throw all my energy into rebuilding a new career for myself..either med school or vet school..one of the two. I'm older but I can still find the energy to give it a go...I can't not have children and stay at the dump where I work...I can have a child and stay but I can't have nothing in all areas of my life...We'll see I suppose.

Day 1

Today really isn't day one, but it was day one in disappointment on my way towards parenthood. Like everybody else, I thought the journey would be different...Married, the job, the house, the dog, the baby, the friggin white pickett fence. I have the condo, the job (sux), the dog, and the aging eggs. So I'm on this journey at 40 and solo.

Today I had that procedure called an HSG where they squirt dye through your fallopian tubes to see if they're clear and I think I'm still in shock to find one of them was clogged. Well, my attitude is that... the beat goes on, so I ran over to my RE's office (repoductive endocrinologist) to drop off the films, ran to get my blood work done, fought with the lab tech (oh yeah baby) and ran home to wallow in my misery with Tess (dog). I can't even put in words how I feel as right now I guess I just feel numb. First off going to a lab to open your crotch wide enough to park a VW in between your legs to total strangers is enough for one day... I mean really..that's not enough? But to have to hear that the crap's not going through is just whatever! and then to have a smart asspirin lab tech give you a 'tude is just icing. He messed with the wrong person. I may be a lot of things but a person who puts up with BS??? yeah, that girl died a long time ago when I was dealing with cancer and putting up with crap when I didn't know better. So here I am waiting for my RE to call me to see what she says.

Monday, I bought 2 vials of spunk from a cryobank. Picking someone was a lot harder than I thought and when I finally chose who I was going with I found that his stuff was selling like hot cakes and there was only 2 vials left. He is supposed to have more come September so my plan is inseminate next month (July "11) skip August, and see if more is available in time for September's cycle. With today's news we'll see if my careful plans are for naught.

I'm scared overall but I've never been gutless person...I have to try as I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would live my life the way I wanted it to be as much as I was able. I'm not going to lie and say I've just marched through scarless, like a fearless warrior battling life's obstacles; life has kicked my asspirin these past 6 years and more than a few people have wondered how I've made it through including myself. I never thought I'd feel as vulnerable as I do now emotionally, and physically, but spiritually I've grown and maybe that's what this battle has been all about...Learning I'm not enough all by myself and it's not all about me.. It's about me, God, family, friends, and giving a crap about other people...