3a.m. and all's well (for lack of something catchier)

So tomorrow I go for IVF..shitting a little hence the 3 a.m. blog. Anyhow, my friend Kay is taking me of course as who the hell else would do it. I'm supposed to have stopped eating and drinking at midnight and of course,,thirsty as all hell..ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous..I guess it all started Friday when I couldn't pick out a new donor and then found out I needed to order ASAP or I'd be fucked. Kay called me this morning to tell me the road to the RE's office is closed on account of this freak snow storm we had yesterday so I had to pull an alternate route up on mapquest so I'm pretty set. Gonna get up at about 7:15 and Kay is coming at about 9..gotta be there at 10. Scared..not scared more that I'm not looking forward to this whole thing..I'm really not. After the big C I just kinda feel like please stop poking me people and I don't like being under..makes me feel too vulnerable..feel like they'll be talking about my disgusting body..they will..oh well.

So I have a good feeling about this. I had a hunch and I could be wrong, that when I changed donors it would happen. I picked a donor I'm not thrilled with and after the fact I realized too late, that it was an Asshole lookalike..I didn't mean to do that. It must have been subconscious or maybe just coincidence but I"m not happy about it but at this point there's nothing I can do.

I'll be straight and say I've been thinking about them a ton lately and I say them because it's not him, it's them, it's an obsession that comes and goes in my life..I hate it and pray that it goes away all the time but it pops into my head and I can't seem to shake it. I'm trying to just focus on my own life..the reality of what it is..sometimes it seems so insignificant and that I'm grasping at straws here trying to make a life for myself against the flow here. My family. I don't even know what to say about them..you'd think they'd be like..how's it going, any news, so exciting, are you worried..instead..nothing..absolutely nothing. It hurts but I decided I'm not bringing it up again at all even if I get pregnant I'm not bringing it up. I think sometimes it's my fault that they're like this as I haven't exactly been a great sister or daughter..I've pushed them away. It's too painful for me and perhaps I'm a coward but that's how I feel..like it's just too much. I love them but it's a defensive love..you have to be careful because that love will kill you. It will emotionally kill you.