Jabs to the Gut

I sat in my RE's office this morning at about 7 a.m. watching all the beautiful people and not so beautiful people sit with their significant others. A lesbian couple, a black woman with her red headed white husband (who bTw was cuuuute..I'm not dead), the pretty couple who I thought were already finished with this as it'd been a while since they'd been there, and the hispanic couple with the husband who is quite obviously a controlling dick.. I sat there thinking shit Gem, what the heck are you doing? You're alone..you're doing this alone..how can you possibly pull this off emotionally..the pain of being alone has been magnified for whatever reason after finding out about Asshole and Pface..I've prayed on it and prayed on it, to liberate me from these thoughts and really, I don't even think it's jealousy as the thought of him repulses me now as much as the thought of her..too gross to even consider but not alone..though to me a lonely life any ol' how. I don't know what it is I want or what I'm looking for. Well maybe I do. I explained it pretty well to my friend Kay last night on the phone..I want someone in my life who can make me feel like a woman..just look at me like I'm a woman as at times I feel so discounted in this way. I don't even think marriage is something that I would want..but someone to take me out once in a while, treat me like a lady, and love me the same way once in a while. I don't think I could handle more than this but to find someone I can trust..I don't know..that's the hard part.

I went today to a conference that was talking about trauma, victimization, re-victimization by agencies, et cetera...and the incident from work popped into my head and I got so angry....just so fucking angry that my boss didn't protect me but instead protected herself and that fucking asshole..the fact that they twisted the story in a way that made me look like I was nuts..I take my share of the blame..I do, as I shouldn't have gotten angry..but to be manhandled..too much..I didn't deserve that..traumatized by that still today and that's all I'll say on that though I get flashbacks and I'll share that as well. Reinforced my distrust of men even more..made me weak in a way I didn't even know I was..fucked me up. I hate that fucking bitch and I don't want to feel any different about it..I feel the need to hang on to that in order to protect myself..fucking coward of a woman..coward of a man too..fucking cowards.

Just feeling hurt and vulnerable these days. I picked a new donor though I'm not happy with him. I'll admit to my superficiality as the reason I don't like him is he's not cute enough..he'll take though I have a feeling. Feeling on the edge of wild or edge of something..not insanity but of some deep sadness that's not depression just an exhaustion from all the emotions in my life. It hasn't been easy but it's been easier than a starving man's and many others.

All of these things, are little jabs to my gut and to my heart..trying to break me and I hang on to what's around me..been hanging onto Kay for dear life..Kay who is always my faithful friend..a gift I tell you. A blessing.