My friend Jo-ann from work asked me to take her kid home after work as she had something going on in court (personal). I agreed. Her kid is an absolute doll...one of the sweetest children I've met in a long time.. I get to my apartment and soon after Jo-ann is done and she comes to pick the kid up...her voice is weird and she explains she has a cold but can't take anything just in case. Just in case what? She says, "you know". Shit. I think she is already but if she is she won't admit to it. Jeez.
Later I find myself unable to stop eating. Is it related? Maybe. Maybe a little. But the truth is I haven't been watching my food intake or rather I've been out of control with my food intake. I can't seem to stop myself and I'm not sure what to do. Each day I resolve not to stuff my face. Even as I'm stuffing my face I'm trying not to stuff my face...I stuff my face. It's not good. I feel terrible carrying around all this extra weight. I don't feel good about myself as a person but more importantly as a woman. It just seems hopeless. My therapist is not knowledgeable about any type of eating disorders..which I'm sorry is a little weird. She asked me what OA was...come on man, really and when I bring up the food she tells me to try low carb diet such and such..man it's not the diet..they all work if you can stick to it. It's the stick to it part..that's my problem here.
Anyhow, enough of my lip.
Showing posts with label Jo-ann. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jo-ann. Show all posts
Monday, January 28, 2013
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Coworkers...(I use that word lightly and in an effort to be p.c.)
Today was a day from hell. I came in early as I usually do on Wednesdays and Thursdays and though I've told her repeatedly not to, in comes Mattie during my only 2 quiet hours of my work week. I try to move on and I'm sitting at my desk reading an investigation and return it to Jo-ann who I've mentioned before on here. They call her crazy Jo-ann but in truth she's anything but. To say she beats to her own drum is an understatement and her story is a sad one of serious abuse. Physical and sexual but I'll leave it at that for the sake of her own privacy though of course her name has been changed. So Jo-ann is in an ultra wacky argumentative mood and debating about who she is willing to share her notes with and other such nonsense...she's snappy which is unusual for her. A short while later she comes to my office to apologize and explain she is in the process of miscarrying...what?...miscarrying...yup...at work and she's acting like it's nothing and trying to finish up several investigations that she's working on. She explains she didn't tell me she was pregnant as she didn't want to upset me considering my situation and all the shit happening with my father. I try to be supportive and tell her next time just tell me. She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time though she was going the traditional root...well, traditional for Jo-ann...she was trying with her one boyfriend last year and then when she switched boyfriends began trying with him...unbeknownst to him of course. She's 42 btw.... So she's sitting in my office in super pain and I'm flooded with questions from other coworkers as I try to listen to her and read at the same time. Finally it's 9 and Mattie comes to sit inside the office...she sits at another desk until 9 as this is the compromise for coming in before she's technically working... It sounds fucked up of me and maybe it is but I get 2 hours of quiet alone time to do work and believe me I need it so as fucked up as it is...shit happens..
The day continues...I'm reading like a fiend in my office...trying to get shit done when in comes this crazy ass biotch Brenda. Now if you want to meet crazy, Brenda is your gal...mood swings and paranoia galore. Aside from this she's the slowest gal in the North....my entire team will be hauling ass and she's in her office polishing her nails or whatever it is she does....it pisses everyone off and though I've tried to get her to haul ass and she's been confronted about her productivity by coworkers...shit doesn't seem to move her. So she comes to my office and says she's changing her plan for time off...her and her husband both work with me and yes, I'm both of their bosses...fun fun. I give her the time slips and she makes the changes though I explain you need to put the new times on a new slip. She looks at me sideways...typical and I should have known. She says okay but in that slow way people do when they're confused....ohhkaaayy.... twisting her lips...she leaves my office comes back in with the slips and says, Not to be obnoxious but if you're worried about seniority nobody in this department has more seniority then me and proceeds to flick the forms on my desk...At this point other people walk in and there's Mattie with her mouth in an O at the audacity of the chick... Long story short after people leave my office I go and confront her and doesn't the bitch tear me a new asshole? Tells me I'm mean, that I walk around with my chest puffed out, and that I'm abusive..on and on she goes not letting me speak at all...total bully tactic... Now, hold up here I'm thinking... I barely even speak to my staff because they're so abusive it's not worth my mental health. I go back and forth with her and finally have to walk away. I go speak to the director who yesses me to death and I'm sure will take Brenda's side as soon as she hauls ass over there and do everything in my power to not let this chick rent space in my head for the rest of the day. I write an account of what happened in a file folder on my desktop...saved along with other situations where these people find it completely appropriate to tell of their boss...and hey I did it once too, told off my boss so who the fuck am I...it was for a completely different and 1000% more serious reason but it is what it is and my boss has hated me since...oh well.
There are too many days ruined by my coworker and it's really my fault because I let it get to me. It hurts me, they hurt me, though today, thankfully, it didn't hurt as much as she tried to say that I'm mean and I know this isn't true..not even a little bit...she was grasping.
Anyhow, that was the day. Jo-ann getting pregnant hurt only a teeny bit because I like her so much. She wouldn't hurt a fly though she really is different than anybody else I know.. I worry about having a baby...worry worry worry...like some crazed obsessive..but there it is...it's like my life is in limbo waiting for the baby that might never come...waiting and waiting and waiting..drowning in this life that at times seems pointlessly painful.
The day continues...I'm reading like a fiend in my office...trying to get shit done when in comes this crazy ass biotch Brenda. Now if you want to meet crazy, Brenda is your gal...mood swings and paranoia galore. Aside from this she's the slowest gal in the North....my entire team will be hauling ass and she's in her office polishing her nails or whatever it is she does....it pisses everyone off and though I've tried to get her to haul ass and she's been confronted about her productivity by coworkers...shit doesn't seem to move her. So she comes to my office and says she's changing her plan for time off...her and her husband both work with me and yes, I'm both of their bosses...fun fun. I give her the time slips and she makes the changes though I explain you need to put the new times on a new slip. She looks at me sideways...typical and I should have known. She says okay but in that slow way people do when they're confused....ohhkaaayy.... twisting her lips...she leaves my office comes back in with the slips and says, Not to be obnoxious but if you're worried about seniority nobody in this department has more seniority then me and proceeds to flick the forms on my desk...At this point other people walk in and there's Mattie with her mouth in an O at the audacity of the chick... Long story short after people leave my office I go and confront her and doesn't the bitch tear me a new asshole? Tells me I'm mean, that I walk around with my chest puffed out, and that I'm abusive..on and on she goes not letting me speak at all...total bully tactic... Now, hold up here I'm thinking... I barely even speak to my staff because they're so abusive it's not worth my mental health. I go back and forth with her and finally have to walk away. I go speak to the director who yesses me to death and I'm sure will take Brenda's side as soon as she hauls ass over there and do everything in my power to not let this chick rent space in my head for the rest of the day. I write an account of what happened in a file folder on my desktop...saved along with other situations where these people find it completely appropriate to tell of their boss...and hey I did it once too, told off my boss so who the fuck am I...it was for a completely different and 1000% more serious reason but it is what it is and my boss has hated me since...oh well.
There are too many days ruined by my coworker and it's really my fault because I let it get to me. It hurts me, they hurt me, though today, thankfully, it didn't hurt as much as she tried to say that I'm mean and I know this isn't true..not even a little bit...she was grasping.
Anyhow, that was the day. Jo-ann getting pregnant hurt only a teeny bit because I like her so much. She wouldn't hurt a fly though she really is different than anybody else I know.. I worry about having a baby...worry worry worry...like some crazed obsessive..but there it is...it's like my life is in limbo waiting for the baby that might never come...waiting and waiting and waiting..drowning in this life that at times seems pointlessly painful.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Food
So this new food plan I'm trying is sort of kicking my ass and sort of getting me in line. This feels very similar to when I quit smoking two years ago and you get that irritable feeling where you know if you just took one hit of a smoke you'd be okay. I sort of changed the food plan slightly only because my body can't tolerate the quantity of vegetables it's suggesting and I wouldn't be able to make it through the work day comfortably.
This is what I had today:
Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.
Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).
(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)
coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)
Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple
This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.
I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.
I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..
Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.
I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.
Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.
Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.
.
This is what I had today:
Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.
Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).
(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)
coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)
Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple
This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.
I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.
I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..
Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.
I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.
Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.
Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.
.
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