Work...

I went into the boss' office today to hand in a time off request as I wanted to leave early so I could visit my father..I have a session tonight and so wanted to make sure I could get everything in. My boss says she will begin questioning my staff as to the allegations made by the chick and her posse a few weeks back. I say, "that's really not how I would like it handled and I don't think it's going to be helpful". She is insisting. I tell her do what she wants. I spend the entire shift crying at the injustice of it all. Take a poll from any worker on their supervisor and I'm sure it's not going to be great...in my office with all the dysfunction it's going to be even worse. I am upset that she takes what they say but doesn't give any weight to what I say. I'm trying to let it go but to say I'm pissed is an understatement and I was close to losing it but gathered my wits by way of Mattie who helped talk me through it. I'm still upset. I can't help but think that all the chaos and bullshit going on has to have contributed to my lack of period. Still nothing btw.. I wish I could leave my job. I can't but I wish I could. I have too much debt and I make too much. I owe a mortgage of almost 200k, 60k in student loan debt, and my common charges on my condo are a ton as well...biggest mistake buying this place and really it's beyond modest...tiny little fixer upper that I've only managed to partially fix up..but it's home and shit happens..can't turn back time.

My goal this year is to get my license. I have an MSW...don't know if I mentioned but I never got my license to practice therapy..never took the test. I have to take a course to more than brush up on the stuff and then try and take it. It'll better equip me if I have to leave. I want to get one more year under my belt so that I'm vested in the system and then if the shit hits the fan take off....This is the plan particularly if there are no babies and it looks like if this period doesn't come back there won't be. When I got my MSW the plan had been to be a therapist but some shit happens for a reason and I'm glad it turned out differently as the agency where I had wanted to work closed down and I would have been jobless at a time when jobs are scarce. But I have to try and get it. It's security for me, or at least some security and I speak another language which would also help me. I also have an "in" at another place that I think would hire me part time.

Anyhow, that's it in a nutshell. I've had enough of these bitches bullying me...taunting me...speaking to me like I'm the shit on the bottom of their shoe. Really had enough but there's nothing I can do. Been hiding in my office...I'm ashamed even as I write it. But I didn't grow up with this type of shit...girl on girl aggression. SOooo not used to it and don't know how not to be defensive and emotional about it.

That's me. A wuss at 41...awesome.

Stolen Groove

I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.

Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.

Valium-ing it up

My life has been unbelievably crazy lately and the anxiety has been back full force. Today, after visiting my doctor and visiting my fairy Godmother in the nursing home, I came home exhausted with the thoughts of all that is going on in my life floating in my head. Feeling guilt over not visiting my father today, knowing none of the children have today, feeling bad about my Godmother, about having left Tess alone too long, and mostly obsessing about the bitch at work who acted super obnoxious during a meeting today. So I'm laying on the couch with my heart palpitating out of my chest and finally, out of fear of having a heart attack, I thankfully remembered that I had a pill of valium that Dr. B had given me to take when I was having an implanting of embryo. I ended up not being able to take it as I didn't have a ride so had to do it sans drugs. I'm not a drug person so I split the shit in half and down the hatch it went. Jumped on here right after so hopefully it does the trick. I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and I know this is in part due to my impending period... ugh. 

My doctor subtley brought up the topic of weight loss. Two doctors in a two week period. Not sure how to go about doing this really. Just feeling a bit lost.

Time will tell but had the thought this morning that I must take action in order to make change in my life. Gotta get my shit together to get my life in gear. I pray I can do it.

Trying to roll with the punches..

It's been an ass kicker of a week and I find myself with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and unable to friggin sleep. My father is not well. Not the kind of 'not well' that impairs one physically...it's all mental...hallucinating nonstop, he even looks and sounds different. The night before after we'd left the nursing home my sibs were called back as he'd become violent with the aides. My older sib ran over there to find him surrounded by aides at the reception desk, sitting there calmly and when they asked him what was wrong he answered..I'm sitting here surrounded by apes...referring to the aides.. The only saving grace is that he said this in a different language. Sheesh. My other sib came down from where they live and ended up staying until 6 a.m. as he would not go to sleep though they'd given him 4 different meds to try and knock him out. Though I offered to come down my sib refused and truthfully, I was delirious as I'd been going since early that morning non stop and had gotten home past midnight getting the call a bit after 1 a.m. I could have gone but they probably would have had to give me something as well. I've been trying to see him daily and trying not to go on the days my younger sib is able to come down though it's a crap shoot when they're coming which is a bit frustrating...I'm tired.

At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.

I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.

So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.

Coworkers...(I use that word lightly and in an effort to be p.c.)

Today was a day from hell. I came in early as I usually do on Wednesdays and Thursdays and though I've told her repeatedly not to, in comes Mattie during my only 2 quiet hours of my work week. I try to move on and I'm sitting at my desk reading an investigation and return it to Jo-ann who I've mentioned before on here. They call her crazy Jo-ann but in truth she's anything but. To say she beats to her own drum is an understatement and her story is a sad one of serious abuse. Physical and sexual but I'll leave it at that for the sake of her own privacy though of course her name has been changed. So Jo-ann is in an ultra wacky argumentative mood and debating about who she is willing to share her notes with and other such nonsense...she's snappy which is unusual for her. A short while later she comes to my office to apologize and explain she is in the process of miscarrying...what?...miscarrying...yup...at work and she's acting like it's nothing and trying to finish up several investigations that she's working on. She explains she didn't tell me she was pregnant as she didn't want to upset me considering my situation and all the shit happening with my father. I try to be supportive and tell her next time just tell me. She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time though she was going the traditional root...well, traditional for Jo-ann...she was trying with her one boyfriend last year and then when she switched boyfriends began trying with him...unbeknownst to him of course. She's 42 btw.... So she's sitting in my office in super pain and I'm flooded with questions from other coworkers as I try to listen to her and read at the same time. Finally it's 9 and Mattie comes to sit inside the office...she sits at another desk until 9 as this is the compromise for coming in before she's technically working... It sounds fucked up of me and maybe it is but I get 2 hours of quiet alone time to do work and believe me I need it so as fucked up as it is...shit happens..

The day continues...I'm reading like a fiend in my office...trying to get shit done when in comes this crazy ass biotch Brenda. Now if you want to meet crazy, Brenda is your gal...mood swings and paranoia galore. Aside from this she's the slowest gal in the North....my entire team will be hauling ass and she's in her office polishing her nails or whatever it is she does....it pisses everyone off and though I've tried to get her to haul ass and she's been confronted about her productivity by coworkers...shit doesn't seem to move her. So she comes to my office and says she's changing her plan for time off...her and her husband both work with me and yes, I'm both of their bosses...fun fun. I give her the time slips and she makes the changes though I explain you need to put the new times on a new slip. She looks at me sideways...typical and I should have known. She says okay but in that slow way people do when they're confused....ohhkaaayy.... twisting her lips...she leaves my office comes back in with the slips and says, Not to be obnoxious but if you're worried about seniority nobody in this department has more seniority then me and proceeds to flick the forms on my desk...At this point other people walk in and there's Mattie with her mouth in an O at the audacity of the chick... Long story short after people leave my office I go and confront her and doesn't the bitch tear me a new asshole? Tells me I'm mean, that I walk around with my chest puffed out, and that I'm abusive..on and on she goes not letting me speak at all...total bully tactic... Now, hold up here I'm thinking... I barely even speak to my staff because they're so abusive it's not worth my mental health. I go back and forth with her and finally have to walk away. I go speak to the director who yesses me to death and I'm sure will take Brenda's side as soon as she hauls ass over there and do everything in my power to not let this chick rent space in my head for the rest of the day. I write an account of what happened in a file folder on my desktop...saved along with other situations where these people find it completely appropriate to tell of their boss...and hey I did it once too, told off my boss so who the fuck am I...it was for a completely different and 1000% more serious reason but it is what it is and my boss has hated me since...oh well.

There are too many days ruined by my coworker and it's really my fault because I let it get to me. It hurts me, they hurt me,  though today, thankfully, it didn't hurt as much as she tried to say that I'm mean and I know this isn't true..not even a little bit...she was grasping.

Anyhow, that was the day. Jo-ann getting pregnant hurt only a teeny bit because I like her so much. She wouldn't hurt a fly though she really is different than anybody else I know.. I worry about having a baby...worry worry worry...like some crazed obsessive..but there it is...it's like my life is in limbo waiting for the baby that might never come...waiting and waiting and waiting..drowning in this life that at times seems pointlessly painful.

"D"

So Friday "D" called me and sounded super upset on the phone and when asked explained that one of the workers at the day program who is a job coach and trying to find work for "D" told "D" not to waste her time if "D" really wasn't interested....so of course "D" obsessed over it all weekend and I must have heard at least a dozen time..Gem, can you call her, you gonna call her..Monday you gonna call? So today I coincidentally get a call from "D"'s case manager and I bring up the topic with her "off the record" and she thankfully agrees that this worker seems to not only be going too fast but is a 'bad match' for "D" and said she'd call. Thank you God! but I went ahead and emailed the chick any ol' way as I had promised "D" I'd have contact and I try never to break my promises to "D". It took every ounce of my being not to tell her off but I didn't..I kindly asked her to try and collaborate with me to ensure "D" has a positive experience while trying to gain employment. I wanted to rip her a new one though...over-reaction? Perhaps.. but this is just one of many assholes "D" has had to put up with and "D" loves day program...it's the first time in their life they aren't tortured by peers and I just need this chick to get it together. I know some would say call the director but this would only inevitably lead down to some type of ostrasization of "D"...and hey,I get it..I have coworkers and clients too and coworkers, in normal work places anyway, stick together and clients come and go so instead I shut my mouth and politely ask for collaboration to work together to keep this a positive experience..BITCH! ..no I omitted the bitch but I wanted to. Chick is pregnant (of course) any way so she'll be out of there soon with her know-it-all 25 year old self. 'Wasting her time'..who really says this to a disabled person who drools, rocks, hears voices, has a severe speech impediment, can't tie their shoes or zipper themselves... really chick..I'll give you whatever $10 bucks you feel "D"'s wasted in your life..for crying out loud...don't mess with my "D"! Ugh!! Anyhow, felt the need to vent this out. I have no babies but I got my "D" which is pretty close and I've heard people say they are like a lion defending their cub when it comes to parenting but for me it's beyond that..I am a dragon when it comes to that kid..Or as one of my siblings once said to me when she saw me in action when the school was messing with "D"...they said Oh my God Gem, you're an animal! Yeah, well.. pick on someone your own size. Pissed me off this weekend and made me more angry today having the case worker agree that she'd seen the same dysfunction. Ugh.

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.

Just trying to roll but ..

Work blew today. Totally took away whatever relaxed state I'd been able to reach during the weekend. Walked in positive..talked to too many staff that fuck with you and act like idiots not recognizing that the consequences of their behavior will ultimately fall on you add a smart ass condescending biotch to the mix and voila..headache and feeling like it was a bad day. I tried not to dwell on it and really, part of the problem is I think I'm too sensitive and that others are too insensitive. I hate my job so much..I really do. Not the job, no it's not the job, it's the people I work with. A bunch of idiots who all believe they're underappreciated geniuses. Guess what asspirins!? you are just average!!! Average! I just wish they'd leave me alone and do their work and stop the bitching. I know..I'm one to talk..here I am bitching..but it's not the actual work I'm bitching about..it's the need for every single ("subordinates" mind you) questioning everything you do and then coming up with some snarky remark back...just on the cusp of disrespectful and abusive so you can't really do shit about it. Anyway, that's my rant and I had to get it out of my system. I started going through all my shit this weekend. Got rid of two garbage bags full of clothes and cleaned out all the cupboards in the kitchen. Gonna try and do the hallway closets this coming weekend along with all the paperwork shredded as soon as the heavy duty shredder I purchased is delivered. It was on sale for 120 which is stil a ton of money but I've gone through 2 shit shredders and enough is enough..I just need to put a little money into it and get a real shredder that'll do the job and get it over with. I have an accumulation of paperwork that I've allowed to amass for fear of identity theft and a bad case of carpal tunnel that doesn't allow me to just rip it up so hopefully I'll get all this crap out of my house and I can get someone to come paint and maybe list this thing and get it out of my hair. Though it pains me not to have something to deduct..this thing is holding me down and unless I have a kid, there's no reason to own really..well, that's debatable as I was raised to not believe in throwing your money away which is what renting is but..this is too much already and it's keeping me locked into my job. If I could find something cheaper I can rent, start really socking it to my student loans and within the next few years find my way outta this joint and outta my job. If there's a baby coming then that's different..that'd be a reason to sacrifice...send the kid to private school and day care and that sort of thing. Speaking of making a kid, I went online last night to cryo and it showed that my guy only had a few vials left which I thought was odd as he usually sells out quick and I thought he hadn't had anything in since December. I called today thinking..holy shit he dropped a new load and I missed it but he's out of stuff. More is coming Wednesday and I think I'll buy another vial or maybe two...they raised the price to 614 or some such number...all for some friggin sperm. Oh well..that's the price and I don't have any so..Anyhow, that's enough of my babbling...off I go to chill with Tess.

8DP3D ET

So today was officially my 8th day post 3 day embryo transfer. I tested this morning and I tested again tonight..both negatives. I was going to post a pic of the pee stick but I figured if you're reading this you're all too familiar with what a negative pee stick looks like...it looks sad..it looks like it could cry all by itself sitting there on your bathroom vanity with just that one lonely line waiting for a mate that'll never show up. Ahhh, well, c'est la vie I suppose. I'll test again in the a.m. and then I'm off to the doctor and I am seriously considering just calling out. I'm tired. I cried all morning, cried all evening and spent the hours in between stressed by the drama of the bitches at work that can't seem to get along. I missed OA tonight..completely forgot about it except that "D", that sweet thing knows Tuesdays are meetings nights and called me to tell me it was time for me to go..cute that "D" always remembers...love "D" to pieces, like a child I've never had. Anyhow, one of the Canadians called me right before the meeting to say they were running late and I told them I wasn't going..they asked me about being pregnant and I told them...supportive as usual. I could cry from how sweet people have been..Lexi at work and the Canadians..sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet..people that show you kindness. Anyhow, I'm sitting here crying and feeling guilty and Tess has been bored out of her skin. I've tried to play with her as much as possible but when you're down and out it ain't easy. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and I gotta wake up at the crack of ass to go to the doctors.

A Quiet Desperation

All week I've been obsessing with the thought that I hope I get pregnant..ever since I spoke to the RE on Monday. I have to keep things in perspective and keep myself hopeful but not so hopeful that I set myself up for a devastation. I have two things that are better or different happening than last time; one, my fibroid was cut back, and two, I'm using a different sperm..one that I really want to take. I'm just worried that it won't happen and then wonder what I'll do with my life really...what plans I will have. I spoke to Kay about that fact that I now have to replace my car due to the tranny problem and explained that if I do indeed get pregnant then that would effect what type of car I get and I'd get something more conventional...if it's not in the cars then I'll rebuy what I drive now which is ridiculously unconventional by any stretch of the imagination particularly for a woman my age (ugh the sound of that..ugh, but true). She asked me if it didn't work, wasn't I planning to adopt? Well, I guess I'd have to cross that road but that would be down the pike as this has been emotionally exhausting and I can't continue on a race like thi; have it not work and jump into another battle in an effort to find my baby..I would need time to just collect myself and my disappointment. The thought makes me want to cry. I have two more shots at this left which isn't bad and the RE said she thought my chances were not bad...she didn't say they were good but when I asked her if they were bad, she said absolutely not..made me feel a lot better. So we'll see where it goes. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll do if it doesn't happen. A part of me gets so crazed at the idea that I think I'd sell my place, quit my job and just live a simple bullshit, hippy, go back to art life...just feels I'd need to shut down and just get away from all my coworkers who are mothers or wives or both and just so fucking proud of it all that they have to talk about it nonstop..Yes, I realize I'd do the same but it hurts nonetheless. I keep looking up shit to up your chances of conceiving..really not that helpful though they keep mentioning reduce stress..difficult though I'm trying to disengage myself from the bitches at work or I should say, continuing to try..I'm listening to my meditation CD on my breaks there which is somewhat helpful but not always and just trying to keep or needing to try to keep a low profile while there. The work has been relentless this week but I'm trying to just do it and shut up about it. I've been feeling cramping lately indicating my period is coming and the start of this rat race of injections again. I'm ready..I think I'm ready. Going to take some time off when the time comes and just be better to myself. Not always such an easy task.

Keeping on..

I believe I mentioned I had gotten my period after work Monday. I was glad to get it as the Dr. mentioned I was to have gotten it over the weekend and when it hadn't come I was worried that perhaps it never would again. Monday and yesterday it was pretty light but today it came in normally except with excruciating cramps. So bad in fact, that I took 3 advil this morning, had to leave work early as I was in real pain, came home and slept for a bit over an hour and had to take 3 more advils..pain. I found myself tearful again today, not so much while I'm at work but when I'm alone. I came home and got to watch some of those shows on TLC where they show people having babies or bringing them home or what have you..I cried..cried when I was happy for them and cried when I was sad for me.

I went to see the Canadians last night and my two regular friends did not come. Some other Canadians whom I'd never met before came and was a total bitch. I shared with the people on the phone and broke down crying in front of the bitch..I didn't care. I find myself caring less about mundane things which is good though I'm still obsessive about work. I have to be careful at work as that one chick Horseface is very angry at me..she is a very dangerous person and therefore my hackles are up and on guard..we'll see what happens..and there's a part of me that doesn't care about that either. The part that cares is the one where hope lives and I'm still hoping for that baby so I need my job more than ever.

Well, that's it in a nutshell and just wanted to touch base briefly before I hit the hay. Life continues but there's a little piece of me that doesn't want to. I know that the beat goes on and I've got to roll with the punches, and all those other motivating cliches but I'm getting tired..I've been tired and I'm getting more tired..two more tries and then I'm pretty much I don't know where.

Killer Colleagues!!

Today was a whirlwind of a day. I've been trying to keep a low profile...lower than usual, at work as I've been feeling emotionally shaky...just an inner jitter that I can't seem to shake and so I have to keep stress (a/k/a coworkers) away. Well today it starts off like shit. I have some hard decisions to make that will result in people getting very angry at me..then I have this twirp reception kid come into my office screaming and cursing about my staff..biotches you say? Yeah, no fucking kidding..welcome to my world..but I'll be damned if I'm doing your job. So he goes off, and this kid is a spoiled punk whose mom is a bigwig in another area and so my boss of course buried her nose in thos cheeks, and the kid really belongs working at a pizza hut..that's the truth..lazy. So he goes crazy, I calm him down, he upsets a client, I calm the staff who now has to deal with the client down, then he pulls some cocka mamie thing where rather than do his job he forwards the work to me..so I told him..listen..don't talk to clients..take their name and pass it on to a staff..don't make any decisions for them or explain jack to them..just pass their name to a staff..that's it. Doesn't the little shit get pissed off starts slamming crap around and then go running to my boss? And here comes Ms. Power-Trip to reprimand me and tell me to march myself and go do the work and that we'll talk about my treating a reception staff a certain way tomorrow. I insisted we speak on it now and pulled her into a coworker's office. Long story short she initially defended the kid but unfortunately for his sorry ass there were too many witnesses including (thank you Lord), Mattie, who had returned to work this week and was in my office when the little shit exploded..mouth agape at his behavior mind you. Whew..he was reprimanded and cried. Tried to throw me under the bus the little shit..took his ass down with me..we'll see what tomorrow brings..it's not easy I tell you. All this friggin stress and it is extremely stressful as aside from all this crap I had a mountain of work to do and serious legal issues (work) that I was trying to juggle...while sitting on the fact that I'm trying to get pregnant, have taken a ton of drugs so I'm super emotional, and waiting to hear that it's once again a BFN!! Now I don't know this for sure but I'm preparing myself for the disappointment. The kid upset me so much my stomach was in knots and I had to run to find a bathroom...I do not like to do this at work and yes it's TMI but it is what it is. Hoping tomorrow is better. It's the last day before the weekend thanks to Veteran's day. Ugh..need some good news Friday but have a feeling it's not gonna be what I wanna hear. I'll live but it'll hurt.

Jabs to the Gut

I sat in my RE's office this morning at about 7 a.m. watching all the beautiful people and not so beautiful people sit with their significant others. A lesbian couple, a black woman with her red headed white husband (who bTw was cuuuute..I'm not dead), the pretty couple who I thought were already finished with this as it'd been a while since they'd been there, and the hispanic couple with the husband who is quite obviously a controlling dick.. I sat there thinking shit Gem, what the heck are you doing? You're alone..you're doing this alone..how can you possibly pull this off emotionally..the pain of being alone has been magnified for whatever reason after finding out about Asshole and Pface..I've prayed on it and prayed on it, to liberate me from these thoughts and really, I don't even think it's jealousy as the thought of him repulses me now as much as the thought of her..too gross to even consider but not alone..though to me a lonely life any ol' how. I don't know what it is I want or what I'm looking for. Well maybe I do. I explained it pretty well to my friend Kay last night on the phone..I want someone in my life who can make me feel like a woman..just look at me like I'm a woman as at times I feel so discounted in this way. I don't even think marriage is something that I would want..but someone to take me out once in a while, treat me like a lady, and love me the same way once in a while. I don't think I could handle more than this but to find someone I can trust..I don't know..that's the hard part.

I went today to a conference that was talking about trauma, victimization, re-victimization by agencies, et cetera...and the incident from work popped into my head and I got so angry....just so fucking angry that my boss didn't protect me but instead protected herself and that fucking asshole..the fact that they twisted the story in a way that made me look like I was nuts..I take my share of the blame..I do, as I shouldn't have gotten angry..but to be manhandled..too much..I didn't deserve that..traumatized by that still today and that's all I'll say on that though I get flashbacks and I'll share that as well. Reinforced my distrust of men even more..made me weak in a way I didn't even know I was..fucked me up. I hate that fucking bitch and I don't want to feel any different about it..I feel the need to hang on to that in order to protect myself..fucking coward of a woman..coward of a man too..fucking cowards.

Just feeling hurt and vulnerable these days. I picked a new donor though I'm not happy with him. I'll admit to my superficiality as the reason I don't like him is he's not cute enough..he'll take though I have a feeling. Feeling on the edge of wild or edge of something..not insanity but of some deep sadness that's not depression just an exhaustion from all the emotions in my life. It hasn't been easy but it's been easier than a starving man's and many others.

All of these things, are little jabs to my gut and to my heart..trying to break me and I hang on to what's around me..been hanging onto Kay for dear life..Kay who is always my faithful friend..a gift I tell you. A blessing.

Goodbye Sanity

Well, I guess that headline isn't really accurate. It's really goodbye to my therapist. I had my last session on Thursday with her and I feel like I'm free floating out here. I explained to her my feelings like this; I know I don't need a weekly therapy session , but it feels like a good safety net to have one just in case. She reminds me I'm not the person who walked in there early last year, falling apart and I'm stronger than I think. I know I'm not who I was when I walked in there. I was at a point where I would literally and I mean literally, jump when I saw my own shadow..I was that freaked out, and believe me walking out of her building in the early evening there was more than one occasion where I saw my shadow and gasped. Someone would walk behind me and I'd jump. I was scared. But I'm not there anymore. Am I stronger than I think? Well, I think I made that mistake before; overestimating my strength both physically and mentally. I used to think I was a rock, a boulder really and I found out real quick that I'm just an ordinary stone, easily kicked, so I've gained weight, made myself even bigger, put the shield up even higher and still sometimes it seems it's not enough..actually the weight thing is not even what it once was. I used to be heavy and felt shielded now I am acutely aware that I am less nimble and more vulnerable with this weight at this age. I walked into work Friday after Thursday's debacle and Thursday night's goodbye to the shrink lady, shaken and beaten. I literally walked in holding back tears, went straight to my corner office, shut the door and tried to breathe. I sat there thinking about what my therapist (Arlene) said to me. That this was abuse, what the staff did to me, I knew this. I am only too aware of the signs of domestic violence (work experience not personal thank God) and though this isn't d.v. this is definitely abuse..verbal and emotional, though I am at somewhat of a loss as to how to stop it. If I trusted the head honcho, I would talk to her but I can't, I don't trust her at all to help me and I am pretty sure it would backfire on me in some way. Just talking about all of this leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut. The chick who went off on me on Thursday, ignored me on Friday, and I don't know if this is due to her being embarassed by her behavior or feeling anger still. I wish I had recorded her rant as it was so out there. Who the heck tells their boss, "I will reprimand you!" or "I'll do what I want when you're not here"...crazy shit. Shook my ass up and I don't need this stress. This coming month, I'm trying again for a baby and I certainly can't deal with this shit trying for my baby. Gotta find my inner peace.

On that note, I called up the cryobank regading my donor who is all out of juice. They told me he had indeed come in for blood work and new vials would be available this upcoming Friday. This dude sold out in one day last time so I have to hustle. His I.D. number only shows up on one tiny little post on the CCB (calif cryo bank) bulletin board as it seems like only a small handful of people had a chance. He seems too good to be true but I'm going for it. I find it interesting that my sisters haven't asked me for a description of what he looks like. I find it interesting that the topic has become a nontopic..I broke the news and flash! reaction! and then nothing. I can't let this permeate my thoughts though, as I don't want any more negativity than what already exists in my life to interfere with my emotions...not when I need to be at my emotional best. Speaking of, I saw a new therapist on Wednesday, one recommended to me by my therapist. Older woman, lesbian, her and her partner adopted 2 kids from foreign county. She seems okay but a little too..I don't know..loud? She kept saying how good she was at what she does, and listen, I'm only too aware of how often a therapist is in need of therapy so my antenna went straight up. There was one thing she did that gave me a little hope that maybe she is okay...she actually asked for details of what happened to me as a child (I had never shared this before) and when I concluded with all the other stuff in my life she said, "holy shit, really Gem, that too. You've been through hell". Made me feel better as sometimes I think I'm just a wimp maybe or something..a whiner..so when someone acknowledges that it's a lot it makes me feel more sane. I'm seeing a different one this week and am doing this kind of thing..interviewing therapist and dropping the ones I think are too nutsy for me. I'm not saying I'm not gonna see this one again..I'm just seeing what's out there...interviewing, if you will.

So, I move onward into the week. Today, I clean my condo, dye my hair and take a brief ride into the city and then the week from hell begins. I spoke to my Godmother the other day who is a doll and always the giver of sound advice and observations (and extremely religious) who said, Gem, you work in purgatory..give up your sufferings to God in the morning, it'll earn you credits in heaven when you die. If this is purgatory, it must be the basement level cause I swear I can feel the flames of hell at my feet. I'm lucky to be working, blessed to be making what I make, but it's not easy and I guess it's not supposed to be. But still I'm luckier than most. Have to remind myself of that.

P.S. I can't seem to leave a comment for anybody's comments but someone asked if my subordinates were younger...you would think right? No, all older than me. Some old enough to be my mother. One of them, age 60 actually said to me that I am like the old lady who lived in the shoe with too many children and they were all vying for my attention..yes she said it with a straight face.

Bitches

I have so had enough with these chicks at work. This week I have had two subordinates tell me off, making accusations against me and all kinds of shit. Of course after they upset me and leave me shaking they apologize.. what the fuck is wrong with these bitches!!! What is wrong with these people? I don't know. I came home early today thank God and was just waiting to get inside to friggin cry. I get so mad at myself as I wish I could do a better job of telling them off. I go back at them I do but not enough to really make me feel satisfied as I can't. I've decided I'm going to start documenting this shit. If it accumulates I'm going to write them up even if my supervisor isn't supportive..I can't take it any more. So sick of them. Just have had enough.

Work

I promised myself a while back that I would stop obsessing about work. I pulled away from all of the staff and tried to stay in the background, thinking maybe this is what they want. Today I found out that one of the staff called me a "nightmare". This from a person who used to be my friend and who I've been nothing but kind to through all of the difficult times she has had these past few years going through a divorce and the diagnosis of mental illness for her son. This really hurt me...really hurts me still. I know I shouldn't give them the time of day, let them rent space in my head for free, but I can't seem to let it go. I want to cry but realize it's not worth it. There are so many people that hate me at work for various reasons that I have to examine my own behavior to see where my part in all of this is. I realize I have control issues but other than requiring for people to accurately document the time they're working, I've let the rest of the things go, let everyone do their own thing...I'm so angry at all of this. These bitches...just pissed that this is where I've ended up in my life. I have to be grateful for the job but really wish I'd had the balls to study something big.. Anyway, this isn't suppose to be a place for me to vent but there it is.. I just needed to get it off my chest. Hate my coworkers...not all of them but quite a few...