Goodbye Sanity

Well, I guess that headline isn't really accurate. It's really goodbye to my therapist. I had my last session on Thursday with her and I feel like I'm free floating out here. I explained to her my feelings like this; I know I don't need a weekly therapy session , but it feels like a good safety net to have one just in case. She reminds me I'm not the person who walked in there early last year, falling apart and I'm stronger than I think. I know I'm not who I was when I walked in there. I was at a point where I would literally and I mean literally, jump when I saw my own shadow..I was that freaked out, and believe me walking out of her building in the early evening there was more than one occasion where I saw my shadow and gasped. Someone would walk behind me and I'd jump. I was scared. But I'm not there anymore. Am I stronger than I think? Well, I think I made that mistake before; overestimating my strength both physically and mentally. I used to think I was a rock, a boulder really and I found out real quick that I'm just an ordinary stone, easily kicked, so I've gained weight, made myself even bigger, put the shield up even higher and still sometimes it seems it's not enough..actually the weight thing is not even what it once was. I used to be heavy and felt shielded now I am acutely aware that I am less nimble and more vulnerable with this weight at this age. I walked into work Friday after Thursday's debacle and Thursday night's goodbye to the shrink lady, shaken and beaten. I literally walked in holding back tears, went straight to my corner office, shut the door and tried to breathe. I sat there thinking about what my therapist (Arlene) said to me. That this was abuse, what the staff did to me, I knew this. I am only too aware of the signs of domestic violence (work experience not personal thank God) and though this isn't d.v. this is definitely abuse..verbal and emotional, though I am at somewhat of a loss as to how to stop it. If I trusted the head honcho, I would talk to her but I can't, I don't trust her at all to help me and I am pretty sure it would backfire on me in some way. Just talking about all of this leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut. The chick who went off on me on Thursday, ignored me on Friday, and I don't know if this is due to her being embarassed by her behavior or feeling anger still. I wish I had recorded her rant as it was so out there. Who the heck tells their boss, "I will reprimand you!" or "I'll do what I want when you're not here"...crazy shit. Shook my ass up and I don't need this stress. This coming month, I'm trying again for a baby and I certainly can't deal with this shit trying for my baby. Gotta find my inner peace.

On that note, I called up the cryobank regading my donor who is all out of juice. They told me he had indeed come in for blood work and new vials would be available this upcoming Friday. This dude sold out in one day last time so I have to hustle. His I.D. number only shows up on one tiny little post on the CCB (calif cryo bank) bulletin board as it seems like only a small handful of people had a chance. He seems too good to be true but I'm going for it. I find it interesting that my sisters haven't asked me for a description of what he looks like. I find it interesting that the topic has become a nontopic..I broke the news and flash! reaction! and then nothing. I can't let this permeate my thoughts though, as I don't want any more negativity than what already exists in my life to interfere with my emotions...not when I need to be at my emotional best. Speaking of, I saw a new therapist on Wednesday, one recommended to me by my therapist. Older woman, lesbian, her and her partner adopted 2 kids from foreign county. She seems okay but a little too..I don't know..loud? She kept saying how good she was at what she does, and listen, I'm only too aware of how often a therapist is in need of therapy so my antenna went straight up. There was one thing she did that gave me a little hope that maybe she is okay...she actually asked for details of what happened to me as a child (I had never shared this before) and when I concluded with all the other stuff in my life she said, "holy shit, really Gem, that too. You've been through hell". Made me feel better as sometimes I think I'm just a wimp maybe or something..a whiner..so when someone acknowledges that it's a lot it makes me feel more sane. I'm seeing a different one this week and am doing this kind of thing..interviewing therapist and dropping the ones I think are too nutsy for me. I'm not saying I'm not gonna see this one again..I'm just seeing what's out there...interviewing, if you will.

So, I move onward into the week. Today, I clean my condo, dye my hair and take a brief ride into the city and then the week from hell begins. I spoke to my Godmother the other day who is a doll and always the giver of sound advice and observations (and extremely religious) who said, Gem, you work in purgatory..give up your sufferings to God in the morning, it'll earn you credits in heaven when you die. If this is purgatory, it must be the basement level cause I swear I can feel the flames of hell at my feet. I'm lucky to be working, blessed to be making what I make, but it's not easy and I guess it's not supposed to be. But still I'm luckier than most. Have to remind myself of that.

P.S. I can't seem to leave a comment for anybody's comments but someone asked if my subordinates were younger...you would think right? No, all older than me. Some old enough to be my mother. One of them, age 60 actually said to me that I am like the old lady who lived in the shoe with too many children and they were all vying for my attention..yes she said it with a straight face.