Curve Balls

I had my follow up consult with the doctor on Monday. I fully expected for her to either tell me to do donor egg or give up altogether. She told me money being no object I should do at least another 2 rounds of ivf seeing as I'm "such a good responder"....What!!??...She said Gem, there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant...she can't predict. She said the embryos looked good and my lining was "beautiful".... Heard this phrase before from Dr. B. I told her I'd been expecting to go straight to donor and I was torn and that money is an object as I'm single and not rich though I would wish of course to be a millionaire. Ha ha..joke when nervous. Now this chick is one of the top fertility specialists in the country as well as a top cancer specialist. She was actually recently on the Katie Couric show and this is what she said: "You see all of this? All of this around me (she gestures at all of her awards and there are many).....my job ...everything I worked for? This is nothing compared to my children. Nothing at all. The best thing I've ever done in my life, the greatest thing is my children. You have to keep trying if you really want them. It's something you'll never regret". I tell her how I feel that I will regret it if I don't keep trying. I tell her I think I've made up my mind to go with donor eggs. She says that that's a rational decision and that the statistics are much higher. We talk a bit more and we end the meeting. It lasted all of 10 minutes. As I'm walking to the elevator I realize that now I haven't made up my mind. Now I'm not sure that I want to go with donor eggs. Now what the fuck do I do? I think it would've been easier she just told me to go with the donor, I wouldn't  have so many questions in my mind. Now I'm just confused. If it wasn't that it would cost me so much money to try my own eggs and then donor eggs if that doesn't work out I'd be more willing to just risk it but altogether if I do two more cycles of the IVF and it doesn't work and I decide to go with donor eggs I would end up spending more than $40,000.... money that I don't have. It would mean I would have to take out mega loans, borrow against my pension, against my retirement account,  tap myself out completely financially in terms of savings, and be completely freaked out by it all. I have a significant mortgage as well as a significant amount in student loans, and I also pay a large common charge for my condo complex. If it wasn't for all those factors and I just rented a place I didn't have the student loans perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. By the same token, I know that I make decent money and that my job is relatively secure. What do I do? I don't know. I really don't. J tells me do one more, R doesn't say either way but she's married and I get the impression she's okay financially, Kay doesn't say either way either, Jo-Ann says Gem just do it. I'm torn.

I want to go with donor because I'm tired, tired of all the physical shit ivf puts you through and I believe I mentioned the illness I have that I don't talk about...it makes it worse and it hurts. I know though that there will be a part of me angry that I wasn't resilient enough....tough enough to hang in though the rational part of me says, "it's been 3 IUI's and 4 ivf how much more shit can you take"? On top of this my meds from after cancer were changed and I'm having heart palpitations....not a good time to decide but I'm not getting any younger. Fuck and ugh..

Wow upside down

"Wow upside down" is the code name we use for my mother when she's within earshot(genius I know..sigh). I was just there and I can't remember a time whenever I've come back from there when I felt good about myself. Today was no different.  There've been times when I thought it was me and my fault and I'll admit I contribute as I won't let shit just go...but I know it's mostly the insanity of what is my family. This weekend my youngest sibling, the one with th history of a breakdown decided that they couldn't come....it was just too much for them as they'd been traumatized from last weekend but last minute decided to change their mind....shortly regretted it...when I tell you the situation ain't easy it ain't.  The thing is my mother...she's not your typical mother and never has been really...had a bad childhood .....a fact we were (or I should say are) reminded of on a regular basis growing up and until this day it is a main topic of conversation for her....can't see that anyone else has suffered...just her...will dismiss anybody else's pain saying hers is or was worse. You bring up that you went to the doctor and are having such and such a problem...she will only acknowledge to say she went and hers is worse...always whatever she is going through, went through is worse...is a miser and would like you to pay for everything..never mind that not a one of us is married and has someone to share the bills with and any opportunity she has is trying to get you to do something for her... every. opportunity. every. single. one. And this applies to anyone. Has lost contact with many people who no longer wish to speak to her as she will squeeze the life from you ....never asks how you are..nothing. My older sib explains it like this...if it has nothing to do with her..it's not important. Sadly this is about 99%  true. I love her but it ain't easy and she's one of those people that if you try and sit down to talk to them about it gets so defensive that she ends up making you feel like you are the lowest piece of shit ever. I find I am similar to her in some respects which scares the shit out of me. I acknowledge but don't accept and have to make a conscious effort to be aware. I do care about others and definitely don't think my life has been the worst and am told I'm a pretty good listening so it's none of those things..but I tend to be a bit argumentative (maybe more than a bit) and can at times be a bit of a know it all not including anything at work of course (duh and shit). Anyhow, I left there telling her a joke to make myself feel better and run run running to the safety of my own place, wtih my own things, done my own way, with nobody asking me to do anything except for Tess who seems to always want me to play play play and I just really don't feel like it lately. The reality of it is, that my mother will drive you crazy and we as the twisted "children" who are full of resentments make the situation worse. She can't help herself as she can't see her behavior but we can see our but for some reason can't seem to be able to control ourselves...I know I'm not explaining it right it's just a weird family phenomenon that happens when we're with her and everyone ends up miserable including her...very frigging healthy.
Anyhow, on the IVF front, I have been feeling no different than any other day, actually less symptomatic than the last two week wait and I can't help but think this is a failure...positive thinking I know but it's honest if nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned that the anesthesiologist was quite intrigued by my job and for whatever reason as it was somewhat of a stretch, related it to the movie the Shawshak redemption....would not stop talking about the friggin movie and I couldn't help but think back to that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe (if you know the show) is having triplets and the OBGYN keeps referring back to episodes of Happy Days and the Fonz...I mean the guy would not get off of Shawshank Redemption..even Kay thought it was weird. He was nice though so he was forgiven...so of course after my lovely time at my mother's I come home flick on the boob and sure enough...Hello Morgan Freeman! Shawshank..of course. It's not a sign though it's just a coincidence. Last time I was in the 2 week waiting period I kept bumping into picks of Bradley Cooper...significant because my donor supposedly resembles Bradley Cooper...I kept thinking maybe it was a sign but obvioulsy it meant nothing other than Mr. Copper sure is popular...same thing with Shawshank but when I spoke to Kay we laughed like idiots...you gotta ask yourself...what the fuck man? Really? So that's that. So yes, my donor looks like Bradley Copper and also supposedly looks like the blonde guy with the long hair from Lost...not the hobbit guy the other hot one. This is normally not my taste of men and initially I had picked someone completely different...average looking but then I said hell, if I'm going to pick from all these choices..I'm picking the creme de la creme...someone who would never sleep with me in real life and the truth is looks matter so if I have to give this kid no father, at least let me give the kid a fighting chance in the looks department...Kay who helped me agreed..pick the most gorgeous one you can find and Bradley Cooper was it (truthfully, I had to look him up as I'm not a celebrity drooler). Don't know what the combo of me and him would look like but I'm sure it would beat me picking someone that looks like Howdie Doodie (my first choice was red haired and I later learned incedibly freckled, which combined with my freckles would be a Hell No!).
I had Sunday night anxiety tonight which I don't think I've had in a while....all because I gotta go back tomorrow. I just don't like work right now as I'm dealing with too many statistical shit and it always throws me for a loop...should have been an accountant with all the number shit I have to do and I'm not good at it at all. Sucks. I wish I knew the job better...I know this must sounds strange that I supervise people doing a job I know very little about but it is what it is...it's the effed up position I'm in right now and have been for a few years. I've learned a ton about it since taking over but if you've never actually had to do the work then it's all just theory really..sucks..did I mention that? sucks.

Side effects

I just wanted to mention as I forgot in my previous post that this cycle the most severe side effect is a feeling of complete exhaustion. Exhaustion like I experienced when working two jobs and doing my masters, or when I worked graveyard and went to school during the day..that kind of exhaustion....except I'm not young anymore! The worst part is that when I do go to sleep, I can't seem to stay asleep so I sit in bed for hours knowing I'll be suffering all day for not having slept. It's crazy really. I think it's the Lupron or the Menopur as the follistim I'd taken before without consequences such as this. It's so bad that it's an effort to walk and lift my arms...not good.

Sheesh!!

My schedule is kicking my ass!! This morning I went to go see Dr. B...had to be there at 7 in order to try to get to work on time which meant getting up at 5:15 a.m. and of course, I was late to work any ol' way as the doctor's office took extra long..can't win. So I go in, bloodwork, vaginal sonogram (yes perhaps TMI but alas that's what the blog's about) and she says retrieval probably Saturday or Sunday...Hoping for Sunday because my schedule sucks and I have a friggin meeting Tuesday afternoon that I really should not miss as they've been planning it for what seems like forever. Go to work...I'm dying as I haven't been able to sleep on the Lupron and I'm wiped. Decide I'm going home early and when I'm just about home I get a call from the doctor's office..."she wants to see you tomorrow at 8:30"...yeah, I start work at 8...nobody cares...they'll see me at 8:30..call the boss as I'm aware we have a meeting in the a.m. who says "but I wanted to discuss the (bullshit bullshit) tomorrow'..she catches herself and says Oh, well it's medical..we'll be here when you get in..yeah thought so...and in the house I go to say hi to Tess and try to chill for a minute but it's off to the races again tomorrow and I'm beat! Meds were decreased at least for tomorrow. They'd changed my meds on Monday from Lupron 20cc BID, Follistim 300 AM, and Menopur 150 HS to Lupron BID and all other meds AM and today they canged them again omitting the Menopur in the AM until the doctor sees me. My abdomen looks like a globe as it is all blue and green and I'm running out of areas to inject that don't hurt..I'm also bruised from the acupuncture and my carpal tunnel sydnrome is killing me...Don't even care!...just hoping hoping hoping... I was also hoping to schedule acupuncture for after the embryo transfer but I have to cut myself a break as I can't get everything synchronized perfectly and stress about it...This weekend I also have a groomer's appointment for Tess and I also told my (fairy) Godmother (she's 81 and can't do it) that I would take her dog. My groomer squeezed that dog in so I can't back out as, if you have a dog that needs grooming, you know that appointments are extremely hard to come by last minute especially if you have a good groomer so ..onward. Worse comes to worse I'll have to ask my sibling to jump in and help me..Fuck! That'll go over like a lead pipe...gotta rest but can't seem to stop the madness and with work there's only so far I can push it. I took off Wednesday and Thursday of next week as if I call out 3 days in a row I need a note from my doctor and I don't want them knowing my shit so I figured take these two days off as vacation days and if you have to call out sick.....you get the picture..Anyhow, that's it..I'm going to try and catch some ZZZZ's today with Tess and just chill...hope Tess isn't a pain and let's me actually rest. If I could drink I would as it helps me snooze but alas... Anyhow, that's it for now..just wanted to update.

Loooooooonnnngggg weeekend

I decided after my first negative HPT to continue testing on a daily basis...it just so happened I had just enough HPT tests to do one daily until day after tomorrow, Wednesday, when I go in to see the doctor for a real test. So far they've all been negative and no matter how long they sat out they stayed negative. Thankfully, though not good for me, I was dealing with serious work stress..I mean serious work stress..no sleep Friday night..calls to attorneys, police, and other people you don't want to need to call in the middle of the night...and they were all called in the middle of the night..I'm talking wake an attorney up at 3:45 a.m. This went into Saturday and finished off today, Monday morning into Monday afternoon. It's over for now. I might get my ass chewed out tomorrow but we'll deal. Cleaned my entire condo, except for the guest room that only got vacuumed, from top to bottom today in between calls and fits of crying. I secretly have a fake feeling I'm pregnant. I say fake because I don't want to hope..this two week wait, which really isn't two weeks at all, is really sucky, enough to drive someone crazy. I went nuts and had a cup of coffee today..well, half a cup and it's half calf/half decaf..what a rebel I am. I just needed to feel normal for a minute and it was either that or a smoke so I chose the lesser of two evils. I'm having all kinds of progesterone symptoms that I so wish were signs of pregnancy but the reality is what it is. Tomorrow, according to all the charts I've read, is the real start of any HCG being produced and probably the only pregnancy test out of all the ones that I'll be taking, that I can in any way rely on. I'm giving it a shot and trying to just psyche myself up to do this again as I can't help but feel that this is inevitable. I don't know why I'm so torn between feeling that I am and knowing that I'm not. Me who is usually a trust your gut kind of person. I wish I had jotted down what my instincts were last time so I can compare notes but alas...
Well, I'll know for sure by Wednesday (that's only 2 short days from now)..so crazy this whole thing. So crazy that I might end up childless, husbandless, and overweight..that is so not the life I dreamt of when I was growing up. Wow...talk about thinking good thoughts. Well, I tell myself it aint over and even if there are no babies..I'm not done.

catching up...

Haven't written in quite a while as I could not remember my password and for whatever reason (mostly because I'm a spazz) I couldn't figure out the "forgot your password" thing...Story of my life. Anyhow, so I went this past Tuesday for another IUI and again on Thursday. She said the timing was perfect as were my levels..I had 5 follicles, 4 of which were mature so now I cross my fingers. I was freaked out this morning as I had to start progesterone (due to a short time between iui and period last month) and reading the side effects freaked me out to the point that I tried to call the doctor and considered not taking it but alas, I took it but not happy about it.

I spent the day watching movies on tv and finally cleaned my condo as it was tore up from the floor up. Not messy but dusty and funky and I couldn't take it any more. I've considered hiring a cleaning lady to come in regularly but with the hopes of a baby coming I decided no need to get used to a luxury that would hurt to give up. I used to give this place a thorough cleaning at least once a week but I'm not sure what has happened to me; I just feel so shitty and tired, and like not moving lately so I let it go for 2, count them 2 weeks other than the kitchen which I clean and bleach every night...gross. And I'm sure most people don't think that's super long but this place is a super dust magnet and my bathroom is white except for slate floors so....The kitchen is completely all white too so I have no choice plus I get freaked out at the thought of getting critters so I keep that immaculate. The only room that didn't get a scrub down today was my guest room/computer room and my dining room that I never use only because I'm too tired and don't feel like it..will do tomorrow. I'm hoping to go out with my sister tonight for a burger which I have no business eating but I'm craving meat big time and I hardly ever eat any which pisses my doctor off as my blood work sucks. It'd be different if I was a vegan and compensated for no meat in other ways but my main source of protien is peanut butter, chees and yogurt, and an occasional egg but I'm craving meat so .. I realize I need to up this if a baby is on the way and this week my goal is to make a chicken dish for the week in my crock pot..I bought all of the ingredients except the chicken so we'll see. Oh, I'll share the recipe since it's easy:

In crock pot put:
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
one large bag of frozen broccolli (more if you want it to have a lot)
add 2 cans of campbells healthy request condensed mushroom soup (I'm also going to add a can of healthy request cheddar cheese soup)
Use the healthy request as the regular soups are really not good for you and the healthy requests are lower in fat and sodium.
Cook this on low for 8 hourse.
Serve over brown rice (you can make your own or buy the frozen kind you steam up or go the chinese restaurant and buy or whatever..) Voila..dinner for several days if your single or for a family of 3-4 if you're not. It's total comfort food as it's a cross between a meal and a soup but not real liquidy.



Have to try and eat healthier even if I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I know the above isn't a super healthy meal but it's not terrible. I want a healthy normal weight baby. I don't want my child to struggle with food issues like me.

I went to see a new therapist on Thursday..she seemed alright...nothing special but I'll give her a try. I go again Wednesday so will see how it goes..she seems a little blah, a little disconnected but then again, she's just getting to know me. She was stuck on my degree being the same as hers..she talked about it 3 separate times during the session..funny what makes people tick..

Anyhow, that's the 411 on my life so far. Praying that this is the time for my baby..saying prayers.

RE visit

Just a short note:
Today I went to see the RE in the morning as I got my period on Saturday as I mentioned and I should have gone in day 1 but they weren't open and this weekend was the holiday..blah blah blah... She is so super nice. When she saw me she said she'd been thinking about me all last month and had given my situation with the blocked fallopian some thought and wanted to change what I was doing. I was shocked really. She said that clomid is good but follisitim would be more effective and wanted me to start injecting tonight. She gave me a sample (can you imagine..I heard this stuff cost a fortune) as I had to leave for work and couldn't stop by a pharmacy to pick it up. I'm taking 300 units? or whatever each night and go back to the office on Friday. Getting excited. Hoping I don't develop drastic mood swings or emotional melt downs with these shots. Here goes nothing...

Side Effects?

I don't write as much as I'd like because of my horrible carpel tunnel syndrome that as soon as I have my baby, I have to address. I've been putting it off for years..ever since I used to seriously do art, I've had trouble. Did I mention anything here about art? ...I don't think so. I have a degree in fine arts..sculpture specifically. I have never used the degree except for a very brief stint teaching children but, I used to lose myself in art for hours, and from years of using a hammer and chisel..and add in other factors (weight), I developed terrible carpel tunnel. Have difficulty using my hands for more than a few minutes at a time though typing is easier than actual writing.. but I digress...

Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Mind you, I've taken myself off all caffeine now but, I'm prone to sleeplessness. Well last night, I was conked, so expected to hit the bed like a ton of bricks and be out. I had to use the ladies room before bed and I heard this crackling noise, almost like electricity, and I called to Tess to come, as I wasn't sure at that point where she was, and became nervous thinking the worst. I call her and here she comes but, what looks like a gigantic bee, is coming with her, I mean the thing was huge..flying full tilt. I grab a towel and swat it, getting it onto the ground but the towel was one of my fluffies so wasn't sure if it was dead..kept pressing on it..I look and it looks like, and is about the size of, half a walnut shell..Long story..flushed it down the toilet but later was feeling woozy, and it almost felt like I'd hallucinated the whole thing. I've never hallucinated except as a child when given Nyquil on two occasions (have never touched that shit since). So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep realizing my brain is in overdrive and I'm getting these vivid images flashing through my head..scary stuff freaking me out, playing like someone is flipping down playing cards. I think 'okay, here comes crazy'... I managed to do some breathing excercises, though I was really beat, and mercifully passed out and awoke to hear myself say, "What?" out loud..I had distincly heard my mother's voice call to me..so weird. Okay so that may have been the Ovidrel that I injected myself with or the fact that getting up to go to the RE then work, not to mentioned the emotional rollercoaster I've been going through, is taking a toll on me. I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight as I have to go to the RE in the morning. I hate all the side effects from these meds. I've never been one for drugs and such and only take my one pill that keeps me alive daily and that's only because I'd literally be dead otherwise but even through all the surgeries and crap from cancer I never filled a one of those pain pill prescriptions. I just don't like to put crap in me and figured with the cigarettes I used to smoke, and the food I shouldn't be having, not to mention the cancer crap that was pumped into me, my body has really had enough..I don't need pills..or another addiction for that matter. I just want to have my baby and stop putting all this crap in me.

I'm fearful it won't happen and I'll have to go through this shit for months and months. My fear is twofold as not only do I fear that it will bankrupt me financially, I also recognize that it can bankrupt me emotionally, and I have to preserve that for when my child comes...try to maintain my emotional wellbeing as fully intact as possible. The fact that this is a concern is still somewhat shocking to me, and two years ago, I would have plowed through it no prob. I have to adjust to this new idea of the more emotional and vulnerable me and that, I suppose, has been a life lesson for me.. that sometimes I am weak. A word that I would never, and I mean never, would have connected with myself in the past.