Full of Embryos

My doctor explained to me why we were up in the air as to whether it was today or tomorrow for insemination; it turns out 2 more eggs fertilized and they wanted to wait and see how they progressed to be able to pick the best of the bunch..they didn't progress and so I found myself rush rush rushing from work to the RE's office for my implantation..no ride, no valium, and in the end, no biggie. Four went in; 1 excellent, 2 very good ones, and 1 good enough..so now we wait. I was started on injectible progesteron which my doctor explained was old fashioned but for me she'd like it as a back up and the progesterone suppositories at night. The injections are in the ass..both the nurse and doctor doubted I'd be able to pull it off myself but I managed to do one in their office though the test will be if I can manage to do it on the other side of my butt..one side is easier to access for me than the other..this should be fun.

The closer I get to this as a reality the more scared I become. I have doubts on my ability to be a good parent. My fears I think are not the traditional..it's more my fear of being able to be active enough for a child. I'm giving myself 5 months after the baby is born to lose some weight and if not then I'm going to have to look into lap band..enough is enough and I have to either shit or get off the pot. I have to do everything I can to be the best parent as it'll just be me fucking up this kid..and she/he will have nobody to immediately run to so.. I went for a walk early today with Willa and am trying to get back into the habit of doing that. Getting harder with the weather as it's freezing. The other day Tess refused to walk and I had to carry her the whole way..crazy dog. I'm hoping I can keep it up even if I have to put her in a bag to come with me.

Just trying to do my best here.

I went out with my friend Ling today and she asked about my sibs and family. She's known me for about 18 years and my family. She was upset to hear they weren't supportive at all. It got me upset a little to just talk about it but it is what it is. I can't stay sick with them..have to make my life and move on.