My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.
I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.
I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.
Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.
I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.
Anyhow, that's what's up for now...
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