I don't know what it is about the weekends that drives me crazy but it happens each and every time. I think it's a combination of having too much time to think about my own shit and too much time spent with the crazy familia. Today was fine though I woke up at the crack of ass. I really don't understand how people sleep in every weekend though I envy them as it must feel blissful. It just never happens for me...well...once a few weeks back I slept until 11 but not straight sleep of course but it was still good. Other than that it's crack of ass every day. Anyhow, it went fine until around noon when my sibling, who was going to come use the pool in my complex was texting, texting , and texting me. Fine. They says they're bringing my mother with them. Fine. They say that most likely the mother would be in and out of my house a trillion times for the bathroom...ummm..yeah, No. There's a bathroom in the clubhouse I say. They call me a few minutes later angry saying listen, there's no bathroom in the clubhouse, they're standing right there and there's nothing. Now I'm fucking pissed because this immediately upsets me...their tone I mean. So I say, "of course there's a fucking bathroom as I've been in it so don't tell me there isn't one". Why are you cursing at me they say? "Because you have an attitude and I don't need my whole fucking day ruined with it just because you decide to bring mom. Look to the right, there's a staircase going down, exactly where I told you it was and there's the bathroom". Oh, okay. I see it. Now this is typical of this sibling. Any little hiccup and they cop an attitude and the whole world has to be miserable with them. This is the same sibling who can't stand my mother, can't stand to be with her for a minute so gives her an attitude and everybody else falls in line. It's a weird phenomena that happens whenver this sib is around..they can be poison and you have to limit your time with them and beware of how they may influence you. Anyhow, I had offered all of the sibs to use the pool though I realize this too often comes with a price. Not so much my younger sib but the older one is trouble. The younger one makes themselves scarce...can't really say I blame them... It ruined my afternoon.
I've been funking all weekend over the baby thing. Whenever it feels like I have it under some semblance of control, some small thing upset the apple cart. The whole egg donor thing did it for me. I've been sad about it and anxious about it. I have a feeling it's going to just be a huge financial disaster for me that will yield me nothing, and I'm not much of a gambler..but alas, I have no choice really. I would kick myself if I didn't try it. If there's anything to freeze..I'll have to see how I feel but for now I'm leaning that the frozens will have to be for Z to try out in her uterus for size..that is if there are any. That's the plan today anyway. When the time comes we'll see where I'm at. If there are none to freeze, I'll save my money and pay down my debt as quickly as I can and start again. Shit.
Anyhow, it's killing me this baby thing. It was interesting that when I went to the doctor this pay week she asked me if perhaps the pain was psychosomatic; that perhaps it was a result of trying so hard for a baby. I considered this for a second but no, the pain isn't psychsomatic...it's real unfortunately..she determined what it was at the end but it was an interesting thought nonetheless; that all this pain was a result of infertility. Now the pain in my heart...the crazies running through my head..those, yes, are a result of no babies.
I wrote this in two part by the way and earlier when I'd started I felt like shit...just a bit obsessive and heartsore but I feel a little better after having a nice conversation with my mother... A nice conversation with my mother is always an accomplishment; always a blessing of sorts as they're so rare. But it happened and I needed it and I'm grateful. We talked about nothing really. The gossip about town. Gossip about the family on my father's side, gossip about whoever the fuck she'd talk about. Safe topics that didn't hurt and I left feeling like I got away before I hurt her feelings and before she hurt mine. It was good.
And now the week begins and we'll see what it brings. Oh, I got nothing in the mail from the doctor though I'd anticipated that it would have arrived by Saturday. I was disappointed and relieved all at once. It should be here tomorrow and we'll see exactly what it brings..
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