Sanity

Sometimes, no,... most of the time, I think there is no such thing as sanity.I'm sitting here at 2 a.m. upset over something that I'd like to mention but don't for fear that I'll look crazy, not only to those reading here, but to those writing here; myself that is. So as I sit in my shit feeling miserable over another imaginary Asshole and PFace situation, thinking should I write or should I go, I come across a post from another blogger talking about the turmoils of their sanity and think to myself, Shit! we are all soooooo putting up a front. It's the shit that people don't say but want to say, that's their true self but I think,most of us hold back for fear of looking crazy, angry, stupid, et cetera. So I say, Gem, you're a little crazy but not by much my friend, and at least you know it. So I'll dare to talk a little bit about Asshole and PFace, two characters I've mentioned in a post in the past. Asshole broke my heart even though we had nothing together he broke my friggin heart and PFace, well, she was just there, an accessory to the crime so to speak. Anyhow, I found out tonight that they bought a house. A real pretty house and I'll put it out there not only for you but mostly for me,.. I'm jealous. Now..that's a hard one for me as I'm not a materialist person and jealousy is not something that I usually feel. I had to think about this really. I guess the jealousy comes from not having what I expressed in the first post I wrote here ever some time ago; the white pickett fence, the 2.5 kids, cars, dog, the husband...the whole shit and caboodle. I'm jealous, and trust me, I recognize that most of the time, the grass is always greener until you walk on that shit and realize that it's all a fucked up illusion, a facade, but still..... I'd like to live there for a minute...in that world that looks so pink..a world I've rarely visited but have seen countless times from afar. It makes me sad you know? I don't know...don't know if I'll ever be over that loss. When I first thought about starting a family, I bought a book on single motherhood and the author expressed the need to grieve over the loss of that picture book family. For me, that is so true, so real, so my life. This experience has proven to be a bitter sweet one for me as though it's a journey towards a dream, this isn't exactly how the dream should go you know? It scares me being a single mother in that I am in essence alone in this. Scares me.I look at people sometimes who have everything, pickett fence and all, and I think, why not me God? Why didn't I get a chance at that? I know for me there may be other plans He has in store, but it hurts a little. Makes me feel not good enough sometimes for love..from a man that is; though in truth, I'm scared as hell of them and what they can do to me..pain-wise that is..physically, emotionally, et cetera. But still,I'd like some romance in my life..maybe I couldn't do the living together or marriage thing but I could do the love thing..... Men... They have so fucked me up. And women too. It's all been so much at times though I don't usually dwell on that..it slips in sometimes..my little demons mostly from childhood/adolescents.