I'm ending my day with an uneasy feeling in the middle of my chest. There were several minor interactions with others that left me feeling angry, shitty, paranoid, unsure. I also recognize that I'm ovulating today or thereabouts so it could just be that I'm being sensitive.
Tonight was my night with the Canadians and it wasn't the usual crew. The girl who was there setting up is someone who hadn't been there in a while and I get the impression she is looking down her nose at me..not friendly at all. I was getting myself upset in the beginning of the meeting whereas usually as soon as I get to this meeting I feel somewhat peaceful and calm. Anyhow as the meeting progressed, she loosened up. My friend Rivfka was there which was good..she's the one who gave me the food plan, and she's cool people even though she doesn't think so. She puts herself down all the time meanwhile, she's adorable. She must be all of 5' tall and maybe 115-120lbs. with beautiful blue eyes and she keeps herself real nice for an older lady. She has a dark brown wig that doesn't suit her but otherwise she looks like a doll. Anyhow, she kind of softened the other chick up on me, explaining I've been helping the meeting out. I actually committed to taking care of all the paperwork which is a big deal for me as I don't like to be tied down to any type of thing. Thing is I need this meeting. You know when you quit smokes or booze, you never have to go back to it..food you do, so though it's a similar feeling of withdrawal, I am doubly tempted to cheat and just eat what I want. Rifka told me I can call her daily and 'commit to abstinence'. So weird to hear her say that as it feels like such an ominous word to me...'commit to abstinence'..shit.
On the work front,a colleague of mine,Jecca, who was once a close friend, has befriended my boss. They're so close in fact they now go out after work and the like. I recognize one of their commonalities to be that they are both in their own way social climbers though one for work reasons, and another for the prestige of being seen with these bigwigs. Anyhow, though my colleague and I still talk I'm ashamed to say that I don't trust her..I still talk to her but I don't trust her. Our relationship changed when she posted something on facebook that was an untruth and could have negatively impacted my career. She explained to another co-worker that she'd been drunk and didn't know what she had written, and also tried to explain this to me, but I told her to let's just move on, and forget about it. The thing is, I haven't exactly forgotten about it. I didn't want an explanation because I didn't want to hear her lie to me and tell me she was drunk because I had spoken to her a few minutes prior and she appeared to be quite sober. Anyhow, so today she came to my office and began to describe what a great time she had while hanging out with the boss...Really? I need to hear this shit? I managed to push her out and tell her I couldn't talk at that moment, that I had shit I needed to get done. Also bothering me with this chick is that because I've been using larger than usual amounts of sick time ( I never usually use any) she asked me point blank if I was trying to have a kid. See that's the shit crap and they know how you roll. So, caught off guard, I told her I was thinking about it but a few days later when she bought up the topic again, explained I didn't think I could try as my levels are off, (I have issues with vitamin absorption and with my thyroid hormone levels). I don't think she fully believed me. Tonight she sent me a text with pics of twins and stated, this is going to be you. I texted her back that maybe in a year or two. Two things bother me about this situation; one: the fact that I am lying, and two: the fact that I tend to pride myself on not being two-faced...and hello I'm faking a friendship. I'm stuck though as it would be career suicide to end the "friendship" as she knows too much about me. I'm doing that paranoid thing where you examine every detail of what this person may know about you. It's can't be much I'm thinking because I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person and also tend to do shit by the books but nevertheless, I'm still scared. There's another part of me that feels bad for this chick. She has no real friends, no children (she's in her 50's) and is widowed from her husband (he was 24 years older). She complains all the time about her situation, about feeling lonely and that she is alone but she hasn't nurtured any friendships. And let me tell you, she really is aware of being alone. She is representative to me of all the things I never want to be. Nonetheless and the bottom line is that this situation is uncomfortable and really leaves me feeling not good. Not sure what to do with this stuff.
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