Here we go again

Sunday night and the anxiety sets in and I wonder when this feeling will finally stop. Every Sunday it starts at the pit of my stomach knowing what's coming the next day.... Monday. I think the hardest part of Monday is that you have so long to go. They say whenever something is difficult to take it one day at a time and if that's too much, take it one hour at a time, and you break it down from there until it's down to what you can manage. I use this technique at work. I do intervals of time and cross them off. 9 to 10:30, whew nothing, 10:30 to 12, nothing, and so on.

My first day of work in this joint should have clued me off. They had bought in a mediator to try to resolve some of the conflicts within the department. The guy, after trying to come off like a buddy to the workers, got clobbered and after a few weeks of this shit, he abandoned ship and joined the opposing team. Smart dude...asshole! but smart dude. During this guys "seminar" someone stood up and spoke of feeling that he had to wear armor when he walked into work each day and I thought, 'how thin skinned can you be?'...well, here I am every Sunday thinking should I take a pill to sleep? Should I call out? Running scared like a person I never thought I'd be. When I'm in there and it gets ugly and one of those biotches decides it's give it to Gem day, I fight back, but it leaves me tired. I'm tired of doing it. I've taken to shutting my door half way. I use my 15 minute breaks to close my door completely and listen to relaxation tapes to get me through...it's like that. Using anything I can think of to get me through..keeping conversation with people to a minimum...answering my bosses email with one word "okay" or "yes" to avoid anything that may open a space for her to jump in and play her games. I'm not the only one she does this to which makes me feel better...sick but true...it makes me feel better because I know it's not in my head. She does the opposite of what I call a bop and burp. I used to work with addicts and any time you had to say something bad to them or that would upset them we'd tell them the negative thing and then you say something nice...bop and burp. My boss does the burp and bop....she acts nice and asks for help and then when you give it to her she gives you a reprimand. She did it to her secretary Ann when Ann left her a note trying to help her out... the boss thanked her and then reprimanded her....the secretary was so upset she took the note home to show her husband and then showed it to me..and she did it to one of the other guys..Ridiculous. So I now keep conversation to an absolute minimum. She needs help, I give her the bare minimum. I give everyone there except for a few who've proven to be friends, the bare minimum.

You know what's weird is that as soon as I get there the anxiety shifts; it doesn't go away but it changes. My attitude changes. I'm in protective mode when I'm there. You wouldn't even recognize me I'm so different..stiff, quiet, feeling-less, a shell. It doesn't always stay this way though and there are too many days when, by the end of the day, I feel like I'm physically vibrating. I can't jump in my car fast enought, and the feeling of wanting to be home is at times one of overwhelming desperation, of wanting to feel safe in my little place. As soon as I see Tess some of that goes away. If it's really bad I hug her until I'm back, until I can exhale and leave it behind me.

My friend Diana said to me the other day, when she met me in the parking lot to drop something off for me, that when I turned around to go back in the building she felt she didn't know how I could walk in. She said she felt scared for me. I found that funny for whatever reason.

I wanted to talk a little about my friend Diana but I'm suddenly exhausted..Another time I suppose.