I'm just waiting to be able to find out if this worked or not and though I know the odds are not in my favor there is always that annoying bit of hope waving it's hands in the back of your head, psyching you up for a let down. I have to prepare myself for this not working or maybe I don't. I don't know. R, one of the girls I met at the clinic is so positive this is going to work even though she's done several IVF's and IUI's before. I wish I could just abandon myself to hope like that but I'm a chicken shit. I've been waiting for the inplantation bleeding and it never came though I thought I saw an imaginary smudge of something last night. It just feels like my period is coming and rightfully so as it would have been calculated to come tomorrow. I so wish this would work which I know goes without saying. I can see how people do IVF over and over again. It's like sitting at the casino tables, losing but you keep throwing your money down thinking you'll maybe win one. That's really what it feels like except it seems to take forever for that roullette wheel to fucking finally stop and it's never on your number or even on your color..it's just a big fat loss.
I used to read a blog called Just Nesting. For whatever she privatized the thing so you can't read it any more...I had read her for years religiously. I don't know why but I just felt a connection. Actually my ceiling in my dining room is painted a color she suggested to me. Anyhow she was married and couldn't conceive...it wasn't the reason she started the blog as it had started way before that with another blog until she got married and did Just Nesting. Anyhow, I remember her wanting to do IVF and wishing her mom would help her pay for it. I think to myself now, little did she know it's not the magic bullet everyone thinks it is. I often wonder about her and if she ever got her baby. Heart breaking when you don't, really.
On the father front, they changed his meds and he seemed so much more alert yesterday. I think if they finally get his meds straight, his therapy straight, his eyes straight, he'll be able to pull all this shit together...not to the way he was of course but to a point where he might be able to function semi-normally. I was going to say to a point where he doesn't need 24 hour care but I don't know how true that would be.
Anyhow so that's that. I confess that I gave myself a home pregnancy test yesterday even though I know I'm not secreting any HCG or whatever it's called yet....I just had to get it out of my system and I used one from the dollar store...negative of course but it was 4 days after transfer. You hear that...that "but"...it's hope. Hope scares me. But there it is. When I used to work with addicts they used to say, "everything after 'but' is bullshit"...a double entendre there...but/butt. Yeah, classy I know.
P.S.: I'm adding this later as I just found her blog and am now following...psyched!
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