I was awoken this morning by a text from my sib at the unGodly hour of 6:30 a.m. and I was in a deep sleep..finally. Of course that was it for me so here I am worrying, stressing, feeling sorry for myself. I've been looking up all kinds of stuff...for instance, this morning, caffeine and IVF? results:don't do it. So I'm making some tea which is usually something I don't drink and if I do, it's usually something I drink at night..but I need something warm though I'd love a coffee. I told myself if it doesn't happen this time I'm going to sit down with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and get my ear pierced..again..self destructive huh? Mildly but it's the best I can do. I'd get a tattoo but I'm saving that for in case I do have a child and will ink something fabulous to commemorate I'm sure..or not. I just want one to take..just one..boy or girl..anything healthy...I guess that's what we all want. I was talking to one of the girls online who has done 5 IUI (paying it out of her own pocket) and using donor sperm and she said how she wants twins...I want twins too but I won't be greedy..just send me my one baby and we'll call it a done deal. I have significant cramps today probably from the catheter. I read up on the whole business and they said right now what my body is hopefully doing is keeping the embryo warm and safe while the cells God-willing are multiplying. About 7 days post transfer they should be done and then the thing hatches (hatches?) and hopeful implantation begins. I'll admit that the last time around I didn't know that this is how it worked. I imagined that implantation was a battle that was starting as soon as they were put in but alas, that is not the case. I'm just hoping they do multiply..doctor said they were slow ones..not great...but it is what it is and miracles do happen. I have to call the clinic today as I forgot to jot down how much progesterone I'm supposed to inject myself with..duh. Thought of it last night. I think it's 2cc's but I'm not sure and I'm definitely not going to guess.
There's just so much shit running through my head..disappointments and upset with others and worry about never having babies...an idea I just can't seem to wrap my head around. Gonna try to stay positive and focused today...would love to clean out my closets though don't want to do anything that I might dwell about later..just going to chill with Tess and watch the boob tube, go online, maybe venture out a little later to the supermarket..we'll see.
Oh, P.S. Today is the 7th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis..Time flies.
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