Okay, here we go again with my obsessiveness and craziness. I did something last night that I shouldn't have. It deterred me from falling asleep and from staying asleep. I looked up pface and asshole's baby registry and there it was. They are due next month!!! Next month!! and really, it's none of my business but it hurt any way. To me it was the closest thing to the one that got away...and the fact that he ended up with her...someone he knew I could not stand made it all that more painful. But there it is..and they're having a baby. And here I am..not having a baby next month...having a birthday instead..a torturous 41st biological clock robbing birthday. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. It's the crazy in me. Just call me crazy. But I had to get some of it out before I go to work and have to act semi-normal. How I go on I'm not sure as it seems like too many things hurt right now. Hope is what keeps me going...hope that this ain't over..that some dreams can still come true and make this all worthwhile.
Later that sleep deprived day...
I've made a promise to myself today that I'll allow myself to obsess over this for the next few days and then it's done. I'm not going to refer to Pface and Asshole anymore, no more looking their shit up. It's immature and unhealthy, and though I know too many women, and I'm sure some men, tend to do this obsessing over someone thing..for me it's gone on way too long and really..it's not who I am anymore. I'm not that quivering young woman that needed a man in my life and sacrificed personality for the benefit. Though I'd still like someone in my life that person better walk in strong and with a set on him..if you know what I mean as I can't take another weak man in my life..won't make sacrifices like that. You come in whole and strong..all grown up and no exceptions because that is what I need today though at times I'll admit I myself still have my moments of weakness....this morning was one of those moments...it happens to the best of us and I'm at a vulnerable point in my life. I accept this about myself. I'm a woman living her life alone for too long having gone through my share of shit...I'm deserving of the (sometimes more than occasional) meltdown..Not that anyone is bitching but it's hard for me to cut myself a break sometimes. Shit happens.
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