Time

It's been what seems like a million years since I've written anything here, in what used to seem like a part of me. So much has happened since after my dads death that it would take a million posts and I still think I wouldn't be able to describe it all. I'm feeling some kind of way today and with nowhere else to go with it, or at least nowhere satisfying, here I am. I've wanted to write so many times but for various reasons...

Today, one of the girls I met at the fertility center is pregnant with twins girls. Out of the three of us, I am the last to have nothing. I am thrilled for her but quite naturally so sad for me. If that is self indulgent, babyish or what have you...fine..I accept. It hurts me and I don't want it to and I'm genuinely happy for her as she by no means had it easy...she struggled as much as the rest of us who have undergone countless ivf cycles. I keep in the forefront of my mind the fact that I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to even try the ivf. I'm doing ivf one more time and I'm doing donor eggs. I'm keeping that on the down low generally..for now. All my money will be going towards this and I don't care..it's my last try. I've gotta give this my best shot. I met with the doctor last month who told me it was a 50/50 shot...better odds by tons than if I used my own eggs. I've saved enough that I can cover   most of it and I am grateful to God, I really am. I'm just feeling tired of it all. Of all these babies everywhere and none for me...no husband, not even a significant other, and no babies.. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I am, but I'm entitled a little.

The past year has been very difficult but that is nothing new. If you've been reading along it'll come as no surprise as life has never been easy for me, for anyone really and this fact is fine. I still believe life is good...maybe unfair at times but overall good and I've been luckier in many respects than most. I say this also for myself, as I need to always remember this.

 My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer early last year , actually about 10 months after my dad passed and shortly after my sibling D moved into a group home. One of the women who worked as an aide for my dad moved in with my mom to just keep an eye on her and so she wouldn't be alone..it really worked out thankfully. The group home thing happened fast too as I pressured the case manager to hustle it up...shit was getting bad at my moms and it was not a healthy place for D. D is living 1/2 hour from me in a gorgeous house and although it has not been perfect, D more or less likes it though there has been some things that weren't great..we're working with what we have.

On the weight thing, I finally, finally, finally, got an OA sponsor and began "working the program" starting with completely giving up,sugar. If you've never given it up take it from me...holy shit its hard.I went through very bad withdrawals and had to call out one day like a typical junkie! It was no joke. I've lost 20 lbs and I would love to lose 50 more...more if I could but I'm grateful for what I've done so far...it's been 4 months and maybe 20 isn't much for that time but I haven't gone up and for me that's good enough. My sponsor is a self described bitch and exactly what I need. She calls it like she sees it and so far so good.

I'm going to try and stay writing and I also plan to go back to art. It's been years but this is my year. I feel it in my bones. The reality of it is, I'm not the same person that I once was and this isn't new for me. It seems every few years I have an awakening of sorts and life takes me in a new direction or motivates me to move in a new direction and here I am again...onward.