Fears, worries and whining..ugh.

I'm getting closer and closer to my period coming and last night I actually had a dream that it had come and it was a Friday, the day I least want my period to show up because the clinic is closed and you have to wait til Monday to be seen. In my dream I got my period as I was getting ready for work and I looked at the clock and thought if I say fuck it to work and leave now maybe they can still see me...but it brought on a feeling of anxiety and I guess it just goes to show how fearful and anxious I am about this cycle. I was reading my insurance bill last night and they sent me another $9,000+ dollar check for the doctor and I can't help but think how fast my cap has gone..I'm not even sure I'm covered for this cycle which is a hard pill to swallow. I just put in $2500 into my car yesterday and also purchased another vial of sperm last week...just one as I know how the money situation is but then again don't want to cheap out on myself and have regrets later but where do you draw the line financially? I don't want to get myself in a situation from which I can never recover. It's all just overwhelming and scary. Did I mention that I made an appointment with the acupuncturist? I did..initial fee is $175 and though I could file it as an out of network..my deductible this year went up to $1,000...this to me sounds all like I'm playing with monopoly money. I've never been a person who spent freely and didn't budget carefully..thank God as it's saved my ass a million times..not to mention it's also saved other family member's asses..to be in a hole like this is just unbelievably scary but to not have a child is scarier so...
Aside from all the financial fears is the inevitable fear that it just might not happen. It's just a pit in my stomach thinking this just might not happen and then what do you do? A million dollars in bills, no baby and stuck in a fucked up job...too much to think about as I want to try and keep things as positive as I can...how am I doing? Awful I know..gotta keep praying. I wish there was a sign that it was all going to be alright..childish but it's how I feel.
So today I am off to take Tess to the groomers and am meeting Mattie (at her insistence) at the foot massage place...I don't want to go but I keep putting her off and I think it's upsetting to her so...It'll help me relax and it's only $28 so...but after that...watching the pennies again..Ugh.

Mood swings

The day went easier than I thought...much better than last week's day in East Jabib that's for sure. Interviewed a slew of people which really is unnecessary..we should just ask for a resume and to have them sit for 3 minutes as that's how long it takes to make up your mind...then again my boss always has ulterior motives for hiring people so ..
Anyhow, was feeling good about myself today, somewhat productive though I'll admit am concerned about my lack of energy..will try and go to the doctor for blood work as I'm sure it's all fucked up..as usual. I tell you this whole cancer shit really fucked up my body and I can't help but think it's impacting the fertility thing but who knows...what I do know is that I'm having trouble absorbing different vitamins and it's been going on for too long and I'm too tired and though I've been taking the sublingual b-12 I know I have to bite the bullet and just go in to get my shots..sucks. Anyhow I was feeling okay like I said and log onto facebook. My real reason for going online tonight was to do some research on accupuncture and it's benefits with trying to conceive but I am a get distracted type of person and of course digressed into a different area. I log on and it seems like everyone is pregnant or had a baby or some such thing...3 at one time..2 pregnancies and one baby and I am by no means one of those people with a trillion facebook friends..I have my modest 100+ that's it. So it got me down a bit. I just ..well..I think it'd be ridiculous to mention what I was..what's the focus of this blog if not to whine about not having a baby. It's not whining really and I need to cut myself a break. I think most women...want a baby..it's natural to want a baby and a family so I'm just doing what's natural and boy is it painful not to be able to do it. I'm trying again this month...going to try the accupuncture I think..don't have a positive feeling but gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my chin up, keep the faith, and all that other good stuff you're supposed to say or tell yourself or believe or whatever.

Money

Tess was sick today. Sick that she wouldn't eat and this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time I believe the grand total for a weekend of vet bills was about $4K..yes that's $4,000..so today when Tess ignored her food, ignored her favorite..peanut butter and other faves..I began to sweat...no peeing, no pooping, no eating and I thought to myself.. please Tess, please don't get sick right now when I have the car repair guaranteed to be at least $2,400 and I've got medical bills coming and I almost emptied my savings..please Tess. At around 8:30 I gave her a pill that helps with nausea and stimulates her appetite..the last of the pills left over from when she was sick...she ate..thank God. She is now happily chewing on a bully stick and acting normal. The worst part of having a teeny tiny dog is that they're so fragile...I didn't know she'd be teeny tiny when I got her...figured she'd be about 10 pounds...nope...half of that with a super sensitive stomach and an allergy to certian meat..can you imagine!? Ugh...that was another $6k to figure out..I've in total spent approximately $12k just getting this dog healthy and she's not even healthy she's just okay for now...but I love her so..what's a girl to do and she's all I've got for now so..
I took my other baby..my truck ..to the shop tonight and dropped her off..had the "check blah blah blah" light go on last night on top of whatever is wrong with her and the signal also just broke...the poor thing is falling apart but alas I've ridden her hard. She's been my sad car...a car I purchased getting over asshole; a poor attempt to cheer myself up and one I couldn't quite afford at the time...a car that saw me through all my cancer treatments, and going back and forth to graduate school when I should have been laying in bed, and getting lost when my memory was affected and all the trauma with "D" and now this..my long drives to the fertility clinics in the morning at the crack of ass ..the car has seen me through some of the worst parts of my life as an adult and it's taken a licking and kept on ticking..a good rough truck..who by the way my sibling informed me last night I was too "old" to be driving...yeah yeah so says the person who's never purchased their own car in their life and still drives one purchased by their Pappy! please. Anyhow, am hoping they can really fix it and that I don't have to buy another car..I can't buy another car right now..just want to focus on getting pregnant and I need all my pennies for that. Just read somewhere tonight that I can deduct the sperm purchases on my taxes though I think it's only if it equals a certain amount of what you earn per year...I'm going to try and look into it though as every bit counts.
Anyhow, in for a long day tomorrow as there are a slew of interviews we are doing back to back tomorrow...fun fun...and whoever gets the job will probably still be employed while the lot of us hauling ass get lay offs..hope not but time will tell. Truthfully, there's a part of me that doesn't even care about that..just give me my baby..I'll work at Mickey Dees and make it work just give me my baby..

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.

Just a bit more

I wrote today but it was really just a rant and I find myself here at a little past 11 just feeling wired, anxious, and scared after more looking up pregnancy crap, obsessing about work and just plain driving myself crazy. I was looking up the med menopur that my doctor is switching me to from Luveris and ganirelix...just seeing what the big difference was and it appears that very little is different other than one is synthetic and menopur is natural and according to what I've read, some people respond better to one than the other. I just have to have hope but I'm find that it's one of the hardest things to have when you've tried and tried and haven't been successful. I find myself just doing the counts and I can't help but realize that it's been about 10 months since I started the process with the RE...had it worked the first time my due date would've been mid-April and I remember thinking what a coincidence this was as it would fall right next to my mother's and my birthday. Alas it wasn't to be..not the 2 IUI's after that or the 2 IVF's after that. I'm 41 next month and the clock is tick tick ticking away..It seems I can hear it with every inhalation and exhalation of my breath..tick fucking tock..time just slipping from me. I used to see a therapist who referred to my life at one point as "the unlived life"..I realize now that statement was not true and I had a different type of life than perhaps she had experienced where things move slower but I should have hustled things up. It seems though when I take a retrospective of my life, that there was always some crisis or some tragedy or some hurdle to get over in my life..with myself or my family or even with just my emotions. Not so much an unlived life but more of a lonely life..a life where there was struggle..normal struggles and sometimes not so normal but it's what I lived and there it is. I didn't come into my own where I could juggle shit until I came to earn a little money.. money makes everything easier, makes things possible especially if you have to do everything alone..not whining just saying and I'm grateful. I'm hoping that I can just get this one thing done..make my life feel like it was worth some of the struggle as otherwise..who cares really? I don't know. Anyhow, tomorrow I have to drive to E. Jabib and it turns out my coworker is going on her own so I'm taking my car on my own and hoping for the best in terms of the transmission..sure it'll be fine but gotta wake up at the crack to get there. Just feeling down tonight, stressed and somewhat overwhelmed by things. You know you hear about people wanting to run away from their lives and sometimes I wish I could just drive and drive and drive and end up nowhere..just away from myself and my thoughts and my crazy mind and this crazy life that's just too much for me..with this crazy job that pays great but is going to shorten my life...gotta hang in..have that hope that everyone talks about and just try to straighten shit out so either I can stay and live with it or go and breathe.

P.S. As I was signing off I heard about someone else (celebrity) who is pregnant..I never thought something could really just stab me in the heart when it had nothing to do with me but really, I can't hear about anybody else having a baby...really it's tearing at me..just killing me and I really just wish people would shut up with the whole pregnancy thing...Shut the fuck up people some of us have nothing!!! just shut the fuck up already. Shit.

Just trying to roll but ..

Work blew today. Totally took away whatever relaxed state I'd been able to reach during the weekend. Walked in positive..talked to too many staff that fuck with you and act like idiots not recognizing that the consequences of their behavior will ultimately fall on you add a smart ass condescending biotch to the mix and voila..headache and feeling like it was a bad day. I tried not to dwell on it and really, part of the problem is I think I'm too sensitive and that others are too insensitive. I hate my job so much..I really do. Not the job, no it's not the job, it's the people I work with. A bunch of idiots who all believe they're underappreciated geniuses. Guess what asspirins!? you are just average!!! Average! I just wish they'd leave me alone and do their work and stop the bitching. I know..I'm one to talk..here I am bitching..but it's not the actual work I'm bitching about..it's the need for every single ("subordinates" mind you) questioning everything you do and then coming up with some snarky remark back...just on the cusp of disrespectful and abusive so you can't really do shit about it. Anyway, that's my rant and I had to get it out of my system. I started going through all my shit this weekend. Got rid of two garbage bags full of clothes and cleaned out all the cupboards in the kitchen. Gonna try and do the hallway closets this coming weekend along with all the paperwork shredded as soon as the heavy duty shredder I purchased is delivered. It was on sale for 120 which is stil a ton of money but I've gone through 2 shit shredders and enough is enough..I just need to put a little money into it and get a real shredder that'll do the job and get it over with. I have an accumulation of paperwork that I've allowed to amass for fear of identity theft and a bad case of carpal tunnel that doesn't allow me to just rip it up so hopefully I'll get all this crap out of my house and I can get someone to come paint and maybe list this thing and get it out of my hair. Though it pains me not to have something to deduct..this thing is holding me down and unless I have a kid, there's no reason to own really..well, that's debatable as I was raised to not believe in throwing your money away which is what renting is but..this is too much already and it's keeping me locked into my job. If I could find something cheaper I can rent, start really socking it to my student loans and within the next few years find my way outta this joint and outta my job. If there's a baby coming then that's different..that'd be a reason to sacrifice...send the kid to private school and day care and that sort of thing. Speaking of making a kid, I went online last night to cryo and it showed that my guy only had a few vials left which I thought was odd as he usually sells out quick and I thought he hadn't had anything in since December. I called today thinking..holy shit he dropped a new load and I missed it but he's out of stuff. More is coming Wednesday and I think I'll buy another vial or maybe two...they raised the price to 614 or some such number...all for some friggin sperm. Oh well..that's the price and I don't have any so..Anyhow, that's enough of my babbling...off I go to chill with Tess.

Smoking, joking, and other things that aren't so funny

I smoked a cigarette today...well..took 3 drags from a cigarette I should say and of course now I want to smoke. That's how it works..duh to me. Anyhow, went to my mother's and actually had a good time with my siblings..made one of them (who rarely ever really laughs) choke they laughed so hard giving my mother, who insists we are stealing all of her stuff, a hard time. She is accusing us of having stolen a huge bible she had, a bed spread, and a black and white flowered jacked that she later found in one of her 4 closets..she's a clothes mongrel. Yes mom, we stole your bible..as if..that's like a one way ticket to hell. Anyhow, we died laughing about it. Talked to Kay and Diana today...spoke to Diana to just let her know I'm okay as I think I scared her a bit yesterday as I was a mess. Anyhow, feeling better today and just trying to keep the faith that this is all gonna happen for me. And though I don't really believe this, I'm trying to tell myself that I believe this. Honestly can't picture this happening for me. Wish I was rich and then I'd just try and try and try. I logged onto Cryobank to see if my guy had any stuff available and it looks like he'd submitted another batch and there is little if anything left. Gonna try and remember to call tomorrow and also call the pharmacy to refill meds as well as remember to have someone gas up a work car to take to East Jabib on Tuesday..did I mention I have to go to East Jabib on Tuesday? Really it's upstate New York and one of the other heads asked if I was taking a company car could she tag along..I explained I'm taking my truck..then changed my mind when I remembered my tranny is going and the ride is 3 hours round trip so I'm going with her. The goal is not to disclose too much as I tend to be chatty and social even when I don't want to be...annoy the hell out of myself as I tend to say too much. So that's that. Refill meds, gas for the car, and order sperm..weird how that's not so weird anymore. So getting ready for Monday and hoping that the week flies by. Have another meeting with a big wig from another agency along with an attorney over that incident that I had to deal with the other night..I don't think I mentioned it here. Anyhow, it all makes for a lovely month of stress that I'm hoping just cools off and turns to nothing. I want to call the accupuncturist and see if they take my insurance..hoping the answer is yes though I'm not sure if that would kick into my $50K fertility cap with the insurance. Money really does make the world go round. I so wish I hadn't bought this condo as it swallows all my money and if I was in a modest apartment I'd had a lot more to play with ...Gonna see if maybe I unload this shit this year...time will tell what the future holds..don't care what that is just hope it's a baby too...just saying.

Meds

Just came from my mother's house and I had completely forgotten that a new shipment of meds had come in. I opened her refrigerator to find the entire bottom shelf full of boxes, needles and the like. Interestingly enough she mentions not a word about them other than the one call I received earlier this week to tell me I had some packages that had arrived and that she'd refrigerated them. Weird or what but that's my family..don't discuss it and it doesn't exist. I had them sent to her house as someone needed to sign due to the fact that the meds totalled over $10K this month...meds that I hope are covered by my insurance for a procedure that I'm not sure is still covered by my insurance. I have one of those plans that gives you a cap as to how much you can spend rather than tell you what fertility procedures you are allowed to have done. For me the cap is $50K and I can't imagine that I haven't reached that yet though I'm unsure if that includes fertility meds. Nonetheless, if it doesn't..I have to give myself this opportunity. I want at least 2 more after this if this next one doesn't work..the thought of that makes me physically sick..I literally got a stomach ache just writing that thought down. The meds are a little different this time. I'm still on the follistim but instead of the Luveris and the Ganirelix..I'm taking something called menopur. It's supposed to help your eggs mature and help deliver a better quality embryo which I pray to sweet Jesus it does. I have a hole in my heart and I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's tearing me apart...the thought that I might live this life and never have children is just unbearable though I know it's entirely possible. I'm not sure if I mentioned the chick at work who can't have kids that's about my age. She was married about 2 to 3 years ago and was trying to have kids and couldn't..went for fertility treatment and still couldn't..she actually took my spot in the foster care training as I was supposed to sign up for that and didn't..long story which I believed I touched upon briefly in an entry some time ago...anyhow, foster parenting has also been a heartbreaking experience..they gave her a baby..took it away, returned it to her and are waiting to have it taken away again. I found out a little more this week about her infertility status. Apparently it's something genetic that her and her sister have and the chick who told me said it had something to do with her tubes...sounded a little weird to me as I'm pretty sure they can circumvent the tube thing with IVF....she apparently tried IUI3-4 times and one round of IVF which I found odd she didn't try more but again I don't have the details. This chick and I aren't friends..she's a mean girl who has softened up to me only due to the fact that a)I gave her my foster care spot saving her from waiting another 6 months to sign up and b)because I speak another language which she needs help with more than just occasionally so... whatever the case, I think she is one of those people who would be a great mother and is deprived of the fact..now a crackhead..they get a baby every time. Life isn't supposed to be fair and I know this ..I know this all too well and it doesn't just apply to me..it applies to too many..to everyone I would guess. So I go again at the end of this month and tonight putting away box after box of a car's value of medication I couldn't help but cry at both the frustration of the whole ordeal and the relief that I have the opportunity again..truly a bitter sweet experience that though I don't want to go through again am thankful that I get to try again. Thank you God.

1,001 ways to torture yourself

Okay, here we go again with my obsessiveness and craziness. I did something last night that I shouldn't have. It deterred me from falling asleep and from staying asleep. I looked up pface and asshole's baby registry and there it was. They are due next month!!! Next month!! and really, it's none of my business but it hurt any way. To me it was the closest thing to the one that got away...and the fact that he ended up with her...someone he knew I could not stand made it all that more painful. But there it is..and they're having a baby. And here I am..not having a baby next month...having a birthday instead..a torturous 41st biological clock robbing birthday. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. It's the crazy in me. Just call me crazy. But I had to get some of it out before I go to work and have to act semi-normal. How I go on I'm not sure as it seems like too many things hurt right now. Hope is what keeps me going...hope that this ain't over..that some dreams can still come true and make this all worthwhile.

Later that sleep deprived day...

I've made a promise to myself today that I'll allow myself to obsess over this for the next few days and then it's done. I'm not going to refer to Pface and Asshole anymore, no more looking their shit up. It's immature and unhealthy, and though I know too many women, and I'm sure some men, tend to do this obsessing over someone thing..for me it's gone on way too long and really..it's not who I am anymore. I'm not that quivering young woman that needed a man in my life and sacrificed personality for the benefit. Though I'd still like someone in my life that person better walk in strong and with a set on him..if you know what I mean as I can't take another weak man in my life..won't make sacrifices like that. You come in whole and strong..all grown up and no exceptions because that is what I need today though at times I'll admit I myself still have my moments of weakness....this morning was one of those moments...it happens to the best of us and I'm at a vulnerable point in my life. I accept this about myself. I'm a woman living her life alone for too long having gone through my share of shit...I'm deserving of the (sometimes more than occasional) meltdown..Not that anyone is bitching but it's hard for me to cut myself a break sometimes. Shit happens.

Regrouping

I have been in a serious funk. A serious funk I tell you. Some deep shit of sadness and I can't for the life of me recall if this happened the last time IVF failed. It's taking a toll and my fucking job and asshole boss don't help. I can't seem to make myself feel any better no matter what I do so I'm allowing myself to wallow a little but then I have to find a way to regroup. Have to find a way to get my spirits up before the next IVF as I think it'll effect the outcome. I want to feel calm, at peace and just semi-happy at least. I made myself a deal. If there is no baby I'm out. I'm going to finish up with my credentials, sell the condo, pay off as much as I can on my student loans, and get the fuck out. I can find an apartment for less than a grand because really, who needs luxury. Talking to a friend at work about it, she balked and said you'll never make this much, but really, who needs money if you have no kids? You just need enough to live and make sure you're covered for when you retire..that's it. There would be no college loans or any such thing to worry about and I figure I sock enough away monthly now that I can apply to some of my student loans and the like to get me out of debt and outta this job pronto. That's if there is no baby and I hope that there is..I don't care if I'm stuck working in hell forever but please give me my baby God. I also am seriously thinking that after the baby I'm doing lap band. I just can't take the weight anymore. I don't want to get heavier than I am as I'll be entering the morbidly obese category and it's not even that..it's that I'm ashamed of myself and what I look like..ashamed. So after the baby or after if there is no baby..lap band. Hate to do it and I never thought I would but there it is.