Time

It's been what seems like a million years since I've written anything here, in what used to seem like a part of me. So much has happened since after my dads death that it would take a million posts and I still think I wouldn't be able to describe it all. I'm feeling some kind of way today and with nowhere else to go with it, or at least nowhere satisfying, here I am. I've wanted to write so many times but for various reasons...

Today, one of the girls I met at the fertility center is pregnant with twins girls. Out of the three of us, I am the last to have nothing. I am thrilled for her but quite naturally so sad for me. If that is self indulgent, babyish or what have you...fine..I accept. It hurts me and I don't want it to and I'm genuinely happy for her as she by no means had it easy...she struggled as much as the rest of us who have undergone countless ivf cycles. I keep in the forefront of my mind the fact that I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to even try the ivf. I'm doing ivf one more time and I'm doing donor eggs. I'm keeping that on the down low generally..for now. All my money will be going towards this and I don't care..it's my last try. I've gotta give this my best shot. I met with the doctor last month who told me it was a 50/50 shot...better odds by tons than if I used my own eggs. I've saved enough that I can cover   most of it and I am grateful to God, I really am. I'm just feeling tired of it all. Of all these babies everywhere and none for me...no husband, not even a significant other, and no babies.. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I am, but I'm entitled a little.

The past year has been very difficult but that is nothing new. If you've been reading along it'll come as no surprise as life has never been easy for me, for anyone really and this fact is fine. I still believe life is good...maybe unfair at times but overall good and I've been luckier in many respects than most. I say this also for myself, as I need to always remember this.

 My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer early last year , actually about 10 months after my dad passed and shortly after my sibling D moved into a group home. One of the women who worked as an aide for my dad moved in with my mom to just keep an eye on her and so she wouldn't be alone..it really worked out thankfully. The group home thing happened fast too as I pressured the case manager to hustle it up...shit was getting bad at my moms and it was not a healthy place for D. D is living 1/2 hour from me in a gorgeous house and although it has not been perfect, D more or less likes it though there has been some things that weren't great..we're working with what we have.

On the weight thing, I finally, finally, finally, got an OA sponsor and began "working the program" starting with completely giving up,sugar. If you've never given it up take it from me...holy shit its hard.I went through very bad withdrawals and had to call out one day like a typical junkie! It was no joke. I've lost 20 lbs and I would love to lose 50 more...more if I could but I'm grateful for what I've done so far...it's been 4 months and maybe 20 isn't much for that time but I haven't gone up and for me that's good enough. My sponsor is a self described bitch and exactly what I need. She calls it like she sees it and so far so good.

I'm going to try and stay writing and I also plan to go back to art. It's been years but this is my year. I feel it in my bones. The reality of it is, I'm not the same person that I once was and this isn't new for me. It seems every few years I have an awakening of sorts and life takes me in a new direction or motivates me to move in a new direction and here I am again...onward.

So Life Goes On

I'm back at work and its the same shit different day though I certainly don't feel like the same person.

My relatives from my moms side are visiting and it's bittersweet as they're still grieving over my uncles death but the trip had been planned for a while , my aunt hasn't been to the U.S. in over 20 years and so the visit happened and I'm glad as I know we still have our lives to live so we're doing some fun things for my cousin who is here and young and her and I actually took a cake decorating class (that's her thing) and because I used to be a sculptor (not sure if I ever mentioned..) it wasn't such a stretch...it was fun...made me miss art so much though I now know cake decorating, the icing part, is not for me.... whatever... I digress.

Today I received a message from my friend Ollie about his wedding in November. I've known him since I was 15 or so and he knew my father well....My father actually invited him to live with him when Ollie was down and out.....I got one line from him when my dad died...not a call not a card and for every tragedy in his life I've flown out to help him. It bothers me and I'm not replying to his stupid wedding bullshit. I'm pissed. But that's it...life goes on and nobody seems to stop when it feels like your life has stopped...it's natural I suppose.

It's hard.

My fairy Godmother

I went to go visit with my fairy Godmother on Wednesday. She was completely unresponsive and had been so since the previous day when she'd been admitted by ambulance. I cried the whole time there...I've been strong but really how much can someone take. The nurse was eager to speak to me as she said they had no info as no family had stopped by. Heartbreaking. Two nuns had stopped by earlier and I explained that she'd been a nun for over 20 years. I gave them what information I knew and stayed for about 2 hours just talking to someone who appeared to be in a deep sleep. Thursday morning I called the hospital and they explained she'd finally awoken but could not speak though at times could not yes. I went to see her later that day and it was not good. Better than Wednesday but still a far cry from my usually feisty Godmother. I felt awful as I couldn't stop crying and she just stared at me but really, it was the straw that broke the camel's back...just way to much and even as I write this I can't help but feel a deep and guttural sorrow in my chest; feeling too much loss in such a short time.

It's been hard. My younger sib is having a very difficult time. They also had the awful experience of having a long time love who'd they recently broke up with find a new person and tell them it was serious. My sib is very close to a breakdown and I'm seriously worried.

At times it feels as if there's a curse over our family though there have been many blessings there seems to be just a bit too much heartache and troubles throughout our lives. I don't get it but have to think it's some kind of test from God or the fates or what have you.

Just trying to hang in.

I spoke to the girls who are trying. R just had a disappointment and J is going for a retrieval today. I'm hoping to get my application for the donor thing filled out sometime this coming month.

Sadness and heartache

On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.

Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...

Just Shut Up Already

My work involves a ton of talking with a ton of different people who are usually in crisis of some sort. We end up meeting about 15 people a day if not more, hearing the most intimate details of their lives, and that's not including people we speak to on the phone. There is a saturation point, at least for me and times where yes, I ignore my phone calls, texts, and emails; really it feels as if I don't want to hear or talk to one more person not about my shit or theirs...I wanna just tell people to leave me the fuck alone. Today is one of those days. Aside from feeling this way, I've mentioned before I have an illness that I don't talk about which is flaring up this week and just killing me so I'm especially grouchy. In comes my mother with dementia and my sib who is M.R. .....ugh! It's very frustrating my plan was to take the to go see my father. But of course my mother has to call saying she wants to tagalong which is just annoying as hell because it's time for us to spend with our father not for her to spend with her ex-husband but if you tell her this she'll flip the hell out.

On top of all this the handyman continues to call me regarding repairs he's working on, the other handyman isn't calling me because he's pissed I don't approve of his ridiculous ideas for repairs (dude! It's fa fucking rental...I'm not putting in top quality shit so the dirty chick who lives there can fuck it up) and I'm just exhausted...near tears exhausted...and my siblings are nowhere to be found!

Fuck I could cry...I could cry cause sometimes its just too hard...feels just too hard.

The one positive note was that after receiving a long lists of shit I needed to get done from the fertility clinic, it turns out I don't have to hunt for a GYN to do them and my regular GP was able to get them all done today...the highlight of my day...the one easy thing I got this week.

So that's that people, a bitch session and I feel a little better. Thanks

Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Scars

Maybe it's a moment of clarity when the crazy goes away and you can see through all the clouds and smog that have been choking you for too long. I caught just a glimpse in my memory of who I was and how I was when this whole thing started; when the baby making started. I had walked into this with no weapons, no armor, and in my naiveté was almost slaughtered, or so it seems emotionally to me. Like with any storm or in any battle there are scars and these past two years are no different; I'm standing here a different woman in too many ways. I have to remind myself not to let myself be taken, taken by the emotional pain. At the end of all of this there has to be something left of me; something  left to either raise a child or pick up the pieces of myself emotionally.......or both.

feeling shitty a/k/a Sunday

I totally lost it today at my mom's ..not screaming kind of lost it but bailed on everyone kind of lost it.   I couldn't take being with them any more and it's like I explained to my older sib when they asked me why I was suddenly pissed, I just felt like I was being held hostage. We had gone out to dinner for my mother's birthday which was fine but long and afterwards my sib says we're going to the supermarket to buy shit for my father. I didn't want to go but it was either go with them or drive the car home and pick them up and then, after spending what seemed like an eternity at the supermarket walking on eggshells because younger sib was grouchy,  we had to stop somewhere else and then go to my dads.... My sibling and my mother ended up staying at my fathers house. This normally would not be a problem however we still have not celebrated my mother's birthday meaning opening gifts and cutting a cake. It was already 7 o'clock. I go to my mothers house and I'm trying to sort through the huge mess of shit that we have left to do and finally I just lost my cool. It felt like I was never going to get out of there. Of course there was more to it than that but the gist..
It's my fault really because I find myself stressed over the amount of times spend with my family but I have choices. And really, if we delve a little deeper I'm harboring resentments against my two sibs to begin with and though I try to just ignore that piece of it all it's not easy. I need to do more to limit my time with them but then I feel like I spend too much time alone as it is....shit.
I hate when shit like this happens; when I feel like I can't take them any more, I act out, feel guilty, beat myself up, feel confused....ugh...it's too much.

On Hold

Just a quick update as I haven't written since my last meltdown. I've done nothing to work towards pregnancy. Haven't called Ms. Autumn to get the donor egg going. I've had too much with my dad, his business and work and am waiting for a bit of a lull where I can catch my breath just a little. Aside from that I guess I'm just waiting for myself to settle down emotionally.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.

It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.

Hypersensitive?

I understand when my siblings don't want to talk to me about my trying to have a baby. At least I try to understand. I don't understand why they have to bring each time another person gets pregnant. I just got an email from one of my fucking asshole siblings announcing someone else's pregnancy??!! Sometimes I think my whole fucking family has to be out of their minds because who would do that to somebody? Even somebody you hate you don't do that to.